I feel stuck, purposeless and confused

[manitou]

Just now, Yonkon said:

 

I started to work with the book "how to forgive when you can't" by Dincalci. It's a powerful book with great exercises, mainly writing letters from your perspective and the perspective from the one you want to forgive. I highly recommend it to anyone who is open to the idea of forgivene

 

It is so easy to forget!  That's why it's so important. Thanks for the reminder.

 

This sounds like a very good start and could be very effective.  Try to find the situation(s) in your very young life that first caused the walking on eggs situation.  Did you have to walk on eggs around your dad, mom, anyone in the home?

[Yonkon]

4 minutes ago, Stosh said:

Actions write the story in stone , mental gyrations evaporate into the ether.

 

Some mental gyrations can help to act, don't you think? But it can and will become quickly to a to form of distraction, so you are right. 

[Stosh]

Just now, Yonkon said:

 

Some mental gyrations can help to act, don't you think? But it can and will become quickly to a to form of distraction, so you are right. 

Both true ,

ones mind can be the sneakiest of adversaries 

Take my word on this , I know what I am talking about,  when it comes to dysfunction  

[Yonkon]

3 minutes ago, manitou said:

 

This sounds like a very good start and could be very effective.  Try to find the situation(s) in your very young life that first caused the walking on eggs situation.  Did you have to walk on eggs around your dad, mom, anyone in the home?

 

Yes, i had a short tempered dad. I worked a lot to get over the trauma, and now we can talk more or less respectfully with each other. But the relationship is still tense. 

[Yonkon]

2 minutes ago, Stosh said:

ones mind can be the sneakiest of adversaries 

Take my word on this , I know what I am talking about,  when it comes to dysfunction  

 

Can you tell me how i can bring myself to act while being frozen with fear? I feel like the right action can not be forced, but how do i get there? Thanks for the help.

[manitou]

Just now, Yonkon said:

 

Yes, i had a short tempered dad. I worked a lot to get over the trauma, and now we can talk more or less respectfully with each other. But the relationship is still tense. 

 

No doubt that's where it started.  And the thing to remember when going back through childhood is that your dad was brought up exactly the same way by his father, and his father the same way.  It's the gift that just keeps on giving.  Once we make the shift from blame to understanding, this removes a big road block.  Do give some thought to the relationships you've had in your life and see if they didn't all end pretty much the same way.

 

When I was real young, maybe 8, I remember walking home from school and suddenly stopping on the sidewalk.  An awareness hit me (incorrect awareness, by the way).  I couldn't believe that I was that 'bad'.  I had been walloped the night before.  But those beatings did confirm to me over and over that I was somehow 'bad' in some way.  And the boys I was always attracted to were Bad Boys.  That's all I thought I deserved.  This is how I would set up the inevitable, each and every time.

[Yonkon]

4 minutes ago, manitou said:

And the thing to remember when going back through childhood is that your dad was brought up exactly the same way by his father, and his father the same way.  It's the gift that just keeps on giving.

 

I often thought about this dynamic. He got his pain from his uprising and so on. I imagine it like a wave that travels forward in time, uninterrupted till someone shines awareness on this occurrence and ends the cycle. I have this big question, where did the wave come from? Where do i get when i travel all the way back to the beginning of the wave? I call this the "Urschmerz" or primal pain. The big bang of suffering that now wanders outwards and creates all kinds of ripples. Maybe this is what the story of adam and eve is all about? 

[Stosh]

15 minutes ago, Yonkon said:

 

Can you tell me how i can bring myself to act while being frozen with fear? I feel like the right action can not be forced, but how do i get there? Thanks for the help.

Fake it till you make it,

take the action and live with the emotions later. 

burn the bridges 

 

On D- day the backs of those Higgins boats would open up ,

those big ol ramps would bang down , and the entire thing was exposed 

with the Germans firing right down the throats of them ,

there was no place to go but forward , and those that didn't ..... didn't. 

American command knew this would be so , as did Tsun Tsu ... you should read his stuff. 

 

Not every situation has a happy ending

many would-be heroes fail - or never had the chance 

 

 

 

Edited June 20, 2019 by Stosh

[manitou]

3 hours ago, Yonkon said:

 

Can you tell me how i can bring myself to act while being frozen with fear? I feel like the right action can not be forced, but how do i get there? Thanks for the help.

 

Figure out what first kicked off the initial fear, long ago.  This fear is a duplication.

[Yonkon]

4 hours ago, Stosh said:

American command knew this would be so , as did Tsun Tsu ... you should read his stuff. 

 

My gf bought the war of art, maybe i will give it a go 

 

4 hours ago, Stosh said:

take the action and live with the emotions later. 

 

This is a radical advice. 

 

1 hour ago, manitou said:

 

Figure out what first kicked off the initial fear, long ago.  This fear is a duplication.

 

I have the feeling that if i would immediately confront the root issue, it would completely knock me down and crush me. This fear is probably only a smoke screen, but yet again, it feels so real that it freezes me.  

[Stosh]

4 minutes ago, Yonkon said:

 

My gf bought the war of art, maybe i will give it a go 

 

 

This is a radical advice. 

 

 

I have the feeling that if i would immediately confront the root issue, it would completely knock me down and crush me. This fear is probably only a smoke screen, but yet again, it feels so real that it freezes me.  

Too bad , so sad .. you've decided you're a wet noodle ,, but notice

this is now , about you being weak ,

not ....... You -being a caregiver with your abundant excess energies. 

 

I doubt there is a magic answer , ....

you know ,.....It's the one where you say , 

" Oh! is that all I have to do ? piece of cake! All I have to do is click my heels together! " 

But in the end ,

You're going to have to decide to act , with intent , to do something you do not want to do OR , you close your eyes and

'Get out the back , Jack'.

  It will indeed suck.

[Nungali]

Ahhhh ... freedom !   

 

Some love it, some fear it , so me have been in a situation so long they have forgotten about it , they just 'slog along' .

 

On a VERY simplistic level, a simple thing but an eye opener  ;   I had this bossy GF - live in, for a while .  I finally got rid of her .    Then  the next time I was shopping at the supermarket ;  <reaches for an item >  - Oh, I better not get that , too much .... or not enough ... or the wrong color ... or  blah blah blah ... wait !  What the hell am I doing ? I want that !  ... and that ... and some of these and ....

 

hmmm   ...  might need a bigger trolley ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Nungali]

I have been watching a little 3 year old girl manipulate , control and take over the life of her mother masterfully . Boy is she good at it !

 

Nothing like emotional attachment, a bit of insecurity and guilt to cement that in .    Of course, it would never have happened if the mother had not allowed it right at the beginning . But, surprising to me , MANY people are not aware of these processes - they just 'play them out' .

 

We get into all sorts of problems ourselves  - depending on our level and area of unawareness or imbalance  .

Edited June 20, 2019 by Nungali

[Yonkon]

7 hours ago, Stosh said:

Too bad , so sad .. you've decided you're a wet noodle ,, but notice

this is now , about you being weak ,

not ....... You -being a caregiver with your abundant excess energies. 

 

man, i don't want to be a wet noodle anymore. I see that i'm the enabler, and frankly i'm sick of it myself. Time to confront some demons. The decision is made. 

 

6 hours ago, Nungali said:

Nothing like emotional attachment, a bit of insecurity and guilt to cement that in .    Of course, it would never have happened if the mother had not allowed it right at the beginning .

 

I drag a lot of shame with me, thus i'm very easily manipulated through guilt and shaming. (maybe that's why @Stosh called me a wet noodle  ) It's quite shocking when i think about it. This is the pattern i have to stop. 

Edited June 21, 2019 by Yonkon

[Yonkon]

I'm currently reading "Thick Face, Black Heart" by Chin-Ning Chu and the passage that i read this morning striked me as fitting:

 

"As William Shakespeare said in Hamlet, "I must be cruel, only to be kind." You should never stop exercising your compassion. Have love in your heart, but be smart and express your compassion with restraint and detachment. 

At times, we wish to reward others with an abundance beyond their possible expectations, so we share  our resources with the needy beyond our reasonable capacity. .... Through experience, we see our compassionate generosity often abused. It seems to some, the more you give, the more you should give. These people act as if you owe them. Out of your desire to be kind, you expose yourself without a protective shield. Compassion is a state of mind, not a blind competition over how much you can do for others. Often, in order to be kind, we have to control our desire to do too much. Along the same lines, good parents learn the importance of controlling their urge to overly indulge and pamper their children. They know that they must be cruel, only to be kind."

 

As i write this down i realize how much this applies to my situation..

[Rara]

I would love to read more, but I must leave my thoughts here in case I run out of time.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you say and I would break this into two parts:

 

1. Purpose: The thing is, we all need a purpose. And we all have one, but it's hard to see it until you realise it and say it out loud.

 

I know a teacher has been recommended, but if this is tough due to location, I cannot stress enough how good counselling is.

 

Funnily enough, the last time I was feeling lost, I ended up speaking with a priest. Never done that before and it's bizarre how I ended up in that situation, but I must admit, he opened my eyes to a lot.

 

Who knows who is out there to help. But your legs will carry you to the right place, if you're able to get that far...

 

2. The girlfriend.

 

You have a couple of things to look at here. Do you love her enough to be by her side no matter what? If so, sticking by her to ensure she gets better is your path right now. But for this to happen, you need to tactfully explain how you need to live your life, but give her reassurance that you are there. If you need to go out, you will be back at such and such a time. Explain your circumstances and needs diplomatically, but always reassure her.

 

Girls are delicate, and it's taken me 31 years of constantly fucking it up to realise that you need to yield, but be clear and assertive at the same time.

 

If you aren't in the mindset for the above, I'm afraid to say it's exit strategy time. There is a fair amount of accountability on her part to ensure the relationship works, and if she isn't emotionally available, or you feel that this is a general clingy, attention-seeking problem that is draining your energy...you need to find your way out. Again, this would need to be tactful, but a firm decision. Don't fear the consequences...work to ensure that there are as little as possible.

[Rara]

On 19/06/2019 at 12:14 AM, Nungali said:

 

Also, reading your first post I thought you might need to take a little trip , change the view - so to speak.

 

In the 'old system'   a young man would begin his initiation as an apprentice, learning off a master. The trade or art would show stages and analogies related to his own spiritual development . hence he had practical demonstration of the analogies everyday.

 

After a while he would 'get his ticket'  , be a 'tradesman'  - a 'man and brother' this would lead to the next stage ; 'Journeyman' - he was expected to travel and ply his trade, encounter and learn from other places and cultures , how what he does fits in with that and what he learns 'abroad' could be adapted for himself . next stage he would be Master (of his craft and himself)  and it would be his duty to take on an apprentice and  continue the cycle . Also, back then this was often done father to son further cementing development .

 

That all got messed up by the industrial revolution.

 

I know it might not be practical to travel, but sometimes you gotta just break the bottle you are in and do it .. and  dash the consequences !

 

A student asked his Sufi teacher how to attain and he told him " Go jump in the river ! "

 

(well, obviously the guy was at that stage - I doubt the teacher told everyone that ) 

 

So he did, he went and jumped in the river ... and got swept downstream. Eventually he became tired so he hung onto a log. Eventually that got harder and he started to go under . A fisherman in a boat picked him up  and asked him what happened . Thinking he must be an idiot, he took him home, gave him some food and a warm spot by the fire to dry out . The next day, he got him to repair some nets to pay for the food he had eaten . he did a pretty good job so the fisherman let him stay , now he had a helper fisherman. The student fished everyday with him and began to become known in that area . Sometimes he would give poor people fish that couldnt pay.  After many years he became well known and liked . But after a while he got bored again, that was not really the life for him, so he continued downstream , now in his own boat he had earned by his own work.

 

He eventually saw some people waiting by the river looking agitated and waving to him so he went over and asked them what was wrong .  " The ferryman's boat has sunk, we have no way to get across, can you take us?"  So he did. On the otherside they offered him a few coins .  He stayed there and did that for a while, also doing other jobs and still some fishing. He supplied transport and food to the needy and accrued a tidy little sum of money as he lived frugally.  Ocassionally he would visit the poor and sick and help where he could, people started to say they felt better after after his visits  Then he  started moving bricks and lumbar downstream for a man who was building a house. It seems a fascinating project and he helped the man a bit. It was noticed that he was a quick learner so the man gave him a job as a building assistant .  The student really liked that work, so he sold his boat and concentrated on that. he still visited the sick and poor and helped when he could. people still claimed they felt better after his visits - some even came to visit him, and claimed they had been 'healed' .

 

Eventually the student became a Sufi saint , renowned for his healing and ' spiritual grace ' .  Eventually he too got some students. They would ask how he got his powers and under what great teachers he studied . He told them he didnt ... he jut jumped in a river one day and all this stuff happened to him .

 

Of course, these new students  didnt believe that, so they concocted their own magnificent story of magic,  wonder , exotic teaches and practices that gave special powers .  That  made up t story still exists today and describes the life of one of the great Sufi saints . 

 

But it be BS 

 

(Hmmm ... the last guy here I told to  'go jump in a river'    had a 'foxy' icon too        )

 

This.

[Rara]

6 hours ago, Yonkon said:

 

man, i don't want to be a wet noodle anymore. I see that i'm the enabler, and frankly i'm sick of it myself. Time to confront some demons. The decision is made. 

 

Good martial arts, bro. Tough if you're broke and unable to get anywhere but it's the biggest character builder.

 

By "good", I mean something grounding that isn't going tonhave you tearing heads off for enjoyment, but also, not too floaty that it puts your head in the clouds.

[Yonkon]

50 minutes ago, Rara said:

 

Good martial arts, bro. Tough if you're broke and unable to get anywhere but it's the biggest character builder.

 

By "good", I mean something grounding that isn't going tonhave you tearing heads off for enjoyment, but also, not too floaty that it puts your head in the clouds.

 

I want to do martial arts since i was a little boy, i think the time has finally come. Here is whats possible for me based on my location:  

• Judo
• Ju-Jutsu
• Brasilian Ju-Jutsu
• Tai Jitsu
• Karate
• Kung-Fu
• Wing Chun
• Qi-Qong
• Aikido
• Taekwondo
• Fencing

 

This is pretty overwhelming. What would be the most "good" one? And is there another style that isn't on the list but is still worth checking out?

Edited June 21, 2019 by Yonkon

[Fa Xin]

7 minutes ago, Yonkon said:

 

I want to do martial arts since i was a little boy, i think the time has finally come. Here is whats possible for me based on my location:  

• Judo
• Ju-Jutsu
• Brasilian Ju-Jutsu
• Tai Jitsu
• Karate
• Kung-Fu
• Wing Chun
• Qi-Qong
• Aikido
• Taekwondo
• Fencing

 

This is pretty overwhelming. What would be the most "good" one? And is there another style that isn't on the list but is still worth checking out?

 

They are all pretty good. Maybe pick out your top 3 and visit the schools. 

 

Its going to have more to do with the teachers than the style Ive found. Two people can teach the same style and it has the potential to be vastly different. 

[escott]

Did you look to see if there is any Krav Maga near you? If I wanted to learn modern self defense that is what I would choose. For spiritual/internal development I do Tai Chi and Qigong.

[Yonkon]

1 hour ago, escott said:

Did you look to see if there is any Krav Maga near you? If I wanted to learn modern self defense that is what I would choose. For spiritual/internal development I do Tai Chi and Qigong.

 

indeed, i can do krav maga here. But I'm looking for a more "flowing" practice, becoming like water, stuff like that...

Edited June 21, 2019 by Yonkon

[manitou]

18 hours ago, Yonkon said:

 

My gf bought the war of art, maybe i will give it a go 

 

Have you read the Dao de Jing?  Lao Tzu uses the same wisdom as Sun Tzu in the Art of War, but it translates better to everyday life.  The work is a short one, but deep with wisdom.  There are many different translations; all wonderful, but contingent on the spiritual development of the translator.  If you've not read or studied it, I would recommend Stephen Mitchell's translation for a first reading.  This (or any translation, really) will show you the mind of the Sage, which is a good template to keep in mind as we go throughout the day.  The Dao Bums is full of people who have followed different paths, but found ourselves in a place where all paths seem to meet.  And the Dao de Jing is the commonality between many of us.  What an incredible work.

 

18 hours ago, Yonkon said:

 

 

This is a radical advice. 

 

 

I have the feeling that if i would immediately confront the root issue, it would completely knock me down and crush me. This fear is probably only a smoke screen, but yet again, it feels so real that it freezes me.  

 

 

Let the thaw begin.  It's most likely a huge blockage for you.

[Fa Xin]

1 hour ago, Yonkon said:

 

indeed, i can do krav maga here. But I'm looking for a more "flowing" practice, becoming like water, stuff like that...

 

I’d suggest Kung fu, then. 

 

I mean, they all have an element of flow to them (except maybe Karate, at least at first...) but kung Fu seems to fit this. 

 

Tai chi would be closest, but won’t provide a cardio workout like Kung fu does. 

Edited June 21, 2019 by Fa Xin

[silent thunder]

I'd recommend Bagua Circle Walking or Aikido.

But you'll find what resonates with you. 

I find Martial Arts to be a top notch pursuit that will bring confindence, health, flexibility, resilience and vitality

 

5 hours ago, Yonkon said:

Compassion is a state of mind, not a blind competition over how much you can do for others.

 

Potent wisdom.  Thanks for sharing.