My Journey (A request for guidance)

[vismundcygnus34]

Hello Daobums,

 

I'm new to posting on this forum but I've come across, and perused, this website for over 10 years or so.  This forum seems unique in that there are a lot of highly informed minds all on a seemingly similar journey, and the conversations that take place here are fantastic!  I've learned a ton, and found great repositories of inspiration and knowledge, so thank you all.  

 

I'm posting now to tell my story, and to ask the gathered minds for some assistance.  Pardon the forthcoming wall of text

 

About 10 years ago I had a profound spiritual awakening (or something else?) that profoundly altered my life in many different ways.  I'm not even exactly sure what happened to this day, although I've spent many years researching to try to figure it out and have some ideas.  The consequences of it still haunt, and mesmerize, me and I'm still searching for answers.  So here's what happened, let me know what you think.  

 

I was sitting on my couch at home on Christmas night, after having left my families house for christmas festivities.  I'll leave out most of the details, but I was at a very difficult in my life after a series of difficulties in about 2 years (mother dying of cancer, graduating from college, hired and fired from job across the country, moved back, broke up with longterm girlfriend, family strife after mothers death, money and economic problems etc).  This particular holiday was very difficult for a variety of reasons.  While on the the couch, I was going over the day in my mind, dealing with how difficult it was, (full disclosure I was drinking alcohol) when (****BAM****).........I see a bright explosive light in my field of vision, and felt like hot wonderful gold liquid was running through my body (particularly my back which had been in pain for weeks prior).  I began to laugh, cry, and felt a sort of ecstasy that I had never experienced.  My mind was swimming in bewilderment, as if a bunch of ideas clicked together simultaneously, like a floodgate had been opened in my mind.  And I felt a presence in the room, a"being" i guess, although it had no form other than flickering bright light, and if felt like flowing unconditional love.  I recall never looking directly at it, but more like it was in my periphery and I knew it was there.  I felt an amazing rush of gratitude, almost like I felt that something this extraordinary couldn't happen to me and the fact that it did was too good to be true.  This is how powerful this feeling and experience was at the time.  I then went "black" and went to sleep immediately.  Upon waking up, my first though was "I hope whatever has happened to me stays like this for the rest of my life".  I felt like a completely new person when I woke up, invigorated, pulsating with energy and excitement.  My mind felt, and still does, feel different in a variety of ways.   And I had a very strong sense of being connected to the "divine" or "god" for lack of better words.  Previous to this I had been a very hard agnostic, bordering on atheist.  There were times when I was obnoxiously antispiritual/religious.   I told my best friend the next day what I experienced and said "I think I was wrong about the no god thing".  He knows me well, and that story and my behavior, freaked him out good because he believed that I believed what I was saying.  

 

There were many other changes after that day, some of which I will keep to myself since this is a public forum, that took a while to accept and made me think that I was going insane for periods of time.   My mind moved more fluidly than it ever had.  Sometimes I would find myself doing or saying just the "right" thing in situations.  I felt more creative, I felt ecstatically alive, full of energy.  I began to have extremely vivid dreams, some lucid, some precognitive.  I had the feeling of meeting "beings" in dreams.  I began to see a color behind my closed eyelids, that had not been there previous to this experience.  And a Strong urge to research in the spiritual realm.  I made it a mission to consume as much knowledge as I could on a topic I had dismissed as ridiculous previously.  I also no longer feared death like I had before.  To this day I just have a peace about what comes after.  I began meditating daily, spurned most of my material things and had a strong urge to be of service.  I became celibate (no ejaculation) for over 2 years at one point.  The thing that stands out the most is the experience of synchronicity that became a common occurrence in my life.  There would be days where it would be a long string of synchronicities and events lining up with my thoughts.  It was jarring and it was so much at one point I thought I was either crazy, or had died and this is what limbo must be like.   

 

The other negatives of the experience were feelings of isolation and confusion.  Delusions of grandeur, a feeling of being chosen, "special" etc.  A strong increase in addictive behaviours (especially alcohol).  Very high and low emotional peaks.  Lowkey trouble with  friends and family due to change in personality and interests.  It was a lot to handle for the people around me to believe that I was now some spiritual guy who had seen a light and was having seemingly supernatural stuff happen from time to time.  Some people thought I was a little nuts.  Sometimes I thought I was nuts, but could not deny my experiences.  I also had some experiences with "negative" spirits.  In my research I studied occult knowledge of all kinds, from the bible to the baghvad gita  to alchemy to plato to crowley to daoism and so on.  I began to "manifest" people with this interest seemingly all of the time, to the point where it made me afraid of it.  I would sit at a coffeeshop writing about esoteric ideas and synchronicities and a group of new age "wizards" would plop down next to me and begin talking about the occult and synchronicities.  Things like that.  

There are lots of other little things like this, and some crazy stories but this is the general idea.  It felt alot like what Dorothy must have felt in Oz. 

 

After a few years of this, and putting my life back together I reached cliff and have been falling ever since.  I entered a toxic relationship, lost my job, went deep into debt, found a new job that was the most abusive toxic environment I had ever experienced.  My addictive habits slowly took over until I went through two rehabs for alcohol, and I tested the loyalty of my friends and family with crazy erratic behavior.  Lots of other difficulties that I won't get into.  I've gotten through all of those things, and am now a fully functioning member of society.  Since arriving at this point of stability that I haven't had in probably 12 years or so, I still find myself constantly reading, and researching trying to absolutely "know" what happened to me.  I'm still confused and have a hard time reconciling the me that felt invincible and enamored with what it means to be a "good", peaceful person, with the absolute madman that I became after a while.  A part of me wishes I had sought out some sort of teacher, but the only ones I came across in real life had a very christian bent, and wouldn't go near some of the things I was talking about other than saying it's the devil.  

I certainly made a lot of mistakes, and I sometimes think I let a beautiful experience create an egoic monster inside of me without realizing.  It's all very confusing still.  I can't talk about it with anyone because the people around me either don't want to listen, or just think I'm crazy.  It has been very lonely to want to speak about, and understand this amazing thing that happened only to find people almost instinctively hostile towards it.  So I find myself here :).   

 

Any ideas as to what happened?  I have some ideas, but I don't want to sway any opinions but would be happy to discuss it with anyone.  Also, where should I go from here in regards to this experience?  In my guts I feel that it has some major meaning for me and what I'm supposed to do with my life, but 10 years later I find myself way behind my peers in most ways (except at esoteric trivia night).   I realize it will be hard for anyone to give me a right answer, but I think I've just always wanted to tell people who might understand.  So thanks for reading, any feedback would be great.  

Sincerely,

Vismund

[rideforever]

I had two such experiences.

One was on day 3 of a 10 vipassana retreat at the IMC in the UK (it is not Goenka style thank god), and it's mostly Shamatha based breathing at the nostrils .... anyway, massive energy shock, huge trumpets of energy going into my nostrils like a dragon, mind full of golden flower essence or something, and then breathing stopped and sad in perfect peace.

Another was on an "enlightenment intensive", 3.5 days of 11hrs/day dyad work "tell me who you are".

It was another massive energy shock shared with the girl opposite, body shacking uncontrollably, then a big orange light as Buddha appeared to me, then a white light Mary Magdalane, then the girl opposite has Jesus appear.   After that one I realised the universe is a mechanistic clock.   And I had two voices in my head and kept "waking up" (shifting consciousness) every 20-30secs.  It was quite worrying ... but eventually calmed down, until I returned to being "really normal" as I am.

Anyway ... as usual I prepared hard doing about 4-5 hrs sitting before arriving at the retreat.

What does it all mean ?
I don't know.

Possibly some patron is helping you, or your higher self, or some work from a previous life is returning, but clearly it's not integrated into your current life.

Anyway best to have a good sitting practice and do the work progressively. 

I would stay away from the occult / esoteric / magick stuff ... you are beyond that, what you experienced is not occult ... it is spiritual, meaning of the path of truth.

Edited June 24, 2019 by rideforever

[Stosh]

Your peers will play the cards dealt to them ,just as we will. 

 

Few, if any,of us washes up on the shores we were swimming for. 

 

The better message of Daoism is not to Enact being spiritual or driving after the label, to please ourselves with one,, but to learn to make an ally of the way things work , and understand virtue enough ,to live well. 

 

If You do not do the 'living well', you missed the point, didn't get the hang of it, or so forth.

 

Nobody is perfect.

 

 

[Starjumper]

1 hour ago, vismundcygnus34 said:

Any ideas as to what happened? 

 

You had an enlightenment experience.  Probably via shaktipat from the being in the room.  You are born a shaman but have failed the calling.  You are still an enlightened shaman though but apparently sidetracked, temporarily or permanently.  You can get back on your path, if you can find your purpose in life..  I wrote a detailed explanation of the experience in my book, as well as some things to do about it.

[Rara]

Hey...

 

So...

 

Don't worry, you're not alone. I don't really want to reply with a wall of text so in short, I just have to say that I went through this as well. Obviously, not image for image, but every feeling you describe (words don't do it justice, do they?) that internal explosion, lucid dreams/nightmares, erratic behaviour and feeling above everything because of it. It too, all came at a time of extreme stress and trauma. It also came a few days into dropping weed and alcohol....so here's what I think went on:

 

The tension rose so much that something "popped" inside.

 

I am absolutely convinced that the connection you had with the Dao/God/Universe was very real, and this was the wake up call.

 

The only problem is that we didn't handle ourselves very well.

 

Then, I lost it all voluntarily, because I wanted a normal life again. To have a job. To not scare my friends and family anymore...you know the story.

 

However, a few months ago, I remembered one message...follow the signs.

 

You spoke about sychronicity and things just working out. My friend, I have realised recently that this is the Way.

 

So take what you have learnt and remember to follow the signs. Remember to ground yourself...I will always say, martial arts, martial arts, martial arts.

 

Otherwise, fate will look after you. Just go with it, just remember to stay grounded and look out for your loved ones and the path will unfold for you around all that.

Edited June 24, 2019 by Rara

[Rara]

6 hours ago, rideforever said:

Buddha appeared to me, then a white light Mary Magdalane, then the girl opposite has Jesus appear

 

Ah yeah, I had the Buddha images. He came and cured a migraine once I had to take the "kill Buddha" advice though...I really was beginning to get delusional.

 

6 hours ago, rideforever said:

Anyway best to have a good sitting practice and do the work progressively. 

I would stay away from the occult / esoteric / magick stuff ... you are beyond that, what you experienced is not occult ... it is spiritual, meaning of the path of truth.

 

Great advice. But I only say meditate if the OP can find a good teacher, which I believe they are finding hard right now.

[Apech]

Hi Vismund,

 

Thanks for your account of what happened to you.  Very interesting.  And I'm not going to say I understand fully what has been going on with you - but its clear that you had a spontaneous spiritual experience.  Many people yearn for such things but I think your story illustrates how confusing they can be.  They change the direction of your life and you are not always ready for that.  I think it shows why a lot of systems like Buddhism and Daoism spend quite a long time in preparation and have various stages - which a bit like growing up as a child - you need the time and space to assimilate.  If you haven't got the ideas and tools to do that - interpret your own experiences to yourself then you can get in a mess.  The synchronicity of events is interesting because it means that the energy is guiding you even if you don't know what it's up to.  You've studied a lot of occult stuff which is great.  But I think where you may need to concentrate is your own emotions.  Humans are 90% about emotions - even though, especially men, we tend to deny this.  And I don't mean indulge your emotions by the way, I mean learn to understand them and ... I want to say smooth them out - but I mean extract the negative patterns and routines that they contain.  Also just basic stuff like good healthy eating, try to reduce alcohol intake (!), physical exercise, attend to fixable things in your daily life, attend to your relationships and so on.  Try to become rounded and integrated enough to allow that experience reemerge and settle in a wholesome way.  That kind of thing.  You'll be great.  Anyway - hope this makes some sense and not too rambling.

[vismundcygnus34]

6 hours ago, Starjumper said:

 

You had an enlightenment experience.  Probably via shaktipat from the being in the room.  You are born a shaman but have failed the calling.  You are still an enlightened shaman though but apparently sidetracked, temporarily or permanently.  You can get back on your path, if you can find your purpose in life..  I wrote a detailed explanation of the experience in my book, as well as some things to do about it.

 

When I came across the idea of shaktipat I immediately thought "that sounds a lot like what happened to me.   Only, I'm not a shaman apprentice."  Another point of confusion for me.  If you are right, I hope I can get back on track.  I'll check your book out as well, thanks.  

[vismundcygnus34]

7 hours ago, Stosh said:

 

The better message of Daoism is not to Enact being spiritual or driving after the label, to please ourselves with one,, but to learn to make an ally of the way things work , and understand virtue enough ,to live well. 

 

If You do not do the 'living well', you missed the point, didn't get the hang of it, or so forth.

 

Nobody is perfect.

 

 

 

This makes a lot of sense to me, and there are times when I to work with nature and life in this way.  I really enjoy reading daoism, especially the tao te ching, because it points out what you are saying as well.  Thanks.

[vismundcygnus34]

1 hour ago, Rara said:

Hey...

 

So...

 

Don't worry, you're not alone. I don't really want to reply with a wall of text so in short, I just have to say that I went through this as well. Obviously, not image for image, but every feeling you describe (words don't do it justice, do they?) that internal explosion, lucid dreams/nightmares, erratic behaviour and feeling above everything because of it. It too, all came at a time of extreme stress and trauma. It also came a few days into dropping weed and alcohol....so here's what I think went on:

 

The tension rose so much that something "popped" inside.

 

 

Words definitely don't do it justice.  Interesting that both of our experiences stemmed from stress and trauma, and addictive behaviors.  The idea of "popping" is also very interesting to me, as that's how I described it a lot as well.  I've read others stories here and elsewhere also describe its similarly.  Like a switch is flipped etc.  

 

1 hour ago, Rara said:

The only problem is that we didn't handle ourselves very well.

 

Then, I lost it all voluntarily, because I wanted a normal life again. To have a job. To not scare my friends and family anymore...you know the story.

 

However, a few months ago, I remembered one message...follow the signs.

 

You spoke about sychronicity and things just working out. My friend, I have realised recently that this is the Way.

 

 

I suppose we didn't handle ourselves well.  And yes, I identify with the second sentence to the T.  I think since we were unprepared for such an experience, it became very difficult to live in a modern society and understand this sudden change and it's consequences.  

 

Fortunately, like you, I've always tried to follow the signs and listen to my dreams as well.  They never fail me, even when they "fail" me, and it is a precious gift of experience that I am forever grateful for.  

I feel like we have very similar life experiences.  Thanks for making it a little less alone in this regard.

[vismundcygnus34]

1 hour ago, Apech said:

Hi Vismund,

 

Thanks for your account of what happened to you.  Very interesting.  And I'm not going to say I understand fully what has been going on with you - but its clear that you had a spontaneous spiritual experience.  Many people yearn for such things but I think your story illustrates how confusing they can be.  They change the direction of your life and you are not always ready for that.  I think it shows why a lot of systems like Buddhism and Daoism spend quite a long time in preparation and have various stages - which a bit like growing up as a child - you need the time and space to assimilate.  If you haven't got the ideas and tools to do that - interpret your own experiences to yourself then you can get in a mess.  The synchronicity of events is interesting because it means that the energy is guiding you even if you don't know what it's up to.  You've studied a lot of occult stuff which is great.  But I think where you may need to concentrate is your own emotions.  Humans are 90% about emotions - even though, especially men, we tend to deny this.  And I don't mean indulge your emotions by the way, I mean learn to understand them and ... I want to say smooth them out - but I mean extract the negative patterns and routines that they contain.  Also just basic stuff like good healthy eating, try to reduce alcohol intake (!), physical exercise, attend to fixable things in your daily life, attend to your relationships and so on.  Try to become rounded and integrated enough to allow that experience reemerge and settle in a wholesome way.  That kind of thing.  You'll be great.  Anyway - hope this makes some sense and not too rambling.

 

I feel very lucky for having the experience, because I realize it's something people work towards.  In a way I feel guilty as I did nothing to "earn" it.  I think you are right on why the systems like daoism etc exist, it would have been ideal for such an experience.  Furthermore, for me, it has made me realize that since I have experienced "something" described in things like buddhism, daoism etc, then much of the other writings and experiences of advanced sages who understand what is happening must be true is well.  This has been a major revelation for me.  It has always sent my mind on flights of fancy as to what human beings are capable of.  I digress.  

 

Yes, the synchronistic experiences were blatantly guiding at the beginning, as if to send the message "yup this is happening pay attention."  They can still be that way, which is funny and makes me pay attention lol.  

 

Thank you for the advice.  I was thinking yesterday that I may go see a therapist and work on some of the negative patterns I have that you refer to.  I'll think about the emotional part you speak of also, I'm a very emotional person and I have trouble reigning it in sometimes.  I'm happy to say I no longer drink alcohol, nor desire to.  I've also spent a couple of years trying to normalize my relationships, and I just don't talk about this kind of thing anymore which helps.  Also, they have accepted some of the "weird" things around me.  It still is uncomfortable though, as some of the strange occurrences can beg some questions.  But the relationships are generally better now.  Thanks for the response

[vismundcygnus34]

8 hours ago, rideforever said:

Possibly some patron is helping you, or your higher self, or some work from a previous life is returning, but clearly it's not integrated into your current life.

Anyway best to have a good sitting practice and do the work progressively. 

I would stay away from the occult / esoteric / magick stuff ... you are beyond that, what you experienced is not occult ... it is spiritual, meaning of the path of truth.

 

I'm wondering if my next goal after becoming healthier and more grounded is to integrate these things into my life better.  I don't really mess with occult or magick stuff, although I studied a lot of it for a while.  While interesting, it seemed more dangerous than anything.  In fact while studying early on I am almost certain some "dark" entities or energies were present in my life in various ways.  And as I said earlier, people who were on the "dark" side of such things gravitated towards me.  It was very strange, and made me realize there is some truth to much of these things.  Makes me wonder what kind of things the Spanish inquisition destroyed, and what europeans destroyed when they colonized the Americas.  I digress again lol.  Thank you for the response.  

 

 

[Fa Xin]

2 hours ago, vismundcygnus34 said:

 

I'm wondering if my next goal after becoming healthier and more grounded is to integrate these things into my life better.  I don't really mess with occult or magick stuff, although I studied a lot of it for a while.  While interesting, it seemed more dangerous than anything.  In fact while studying early on I am almost certain some "dark" entities or energies were present in my life in various ways.  And as I said earlier, people who were on the "dark" side of such things gravitated towards me.  It was very strange, and made me realize there is some truth to much of these things.  Makes me wonder what kind of things the Spanish inquisition destroyed, and what europeans destroyed when they colonized the Americas.  I digress again lol.  Thank you for the response.  

 

 

 

Sounds like your clarity is increasing, and many times we become aware of our negative habits or patterns.  The light of awareness shines on... Enjoy your newfound experiences.

[Starjumper]

3 hours ago, vismundcygnus34 said:

 

When I came across the idea of shaktipat I immediately thought "that sounds a lot like what happened to me.   Only, I'm not a shaman apprentice."  Another point of confusion for me.  If you are right, I hope I can get back on track.  I'll check your book out as well, thanks.  

 

I was lucky, because I was the student of a shaman (Nei kung master) when I had my experience, so I was already set on a path.  But still, I had a lot of things to figure out, and I'm still finding my way.

 

You were having a lot of negative experiences, but you toughed it out, stiff upper lip and all that.  Those are the ingredients necessary to have an enlightenment experience.  The experience probably triggered a high level of internal self honesty, that's important so stick with that.

 

I've got to run to town now, which is not so near, to buy some eggs for dog food,  5 cents each.  I'll finish this later.

 

Edited June 24, 2019 by Starjumper

[Rara]

3 hours ago, vismundcygnus34 said:

it became very difficult to live in a modern society and understand this sudden change and it's consequences. 

 

There's a moral somewhere in the book of Zhuangzi that reiterates how a sage walks among the rest of us and blends in. The best thing about these experiences is having the choice to do so. I don't know if you're finding this already, but the more you follow said signs, and go with the flow...because life becomes intuitive, you remain at peace.

 

Being at peace is useful in society. Everyone else is pretty damn all over the place, so you'll be a pleasant guy to hang around.

 

3 hours ago, vismundcygnus34 said:

I feel like we have very similar life experiences.  Thanks for making it a little less alone in this regard.

 

You're very welcome. Maybe one day we will sit with a nice pot of tea and ramble more about this all. You never know.

[kyoji]

I came to this forum in a very similar predicament my friend.

 

I think you've showed up to the right place to try  and hash out some of the confusion you have.  Our fellow bums are rather helpful and filled with insight, I have benefited immensely from joining.

 

I came here after a very intense psychedelic experience in which I was not ready for,  that you can compare with your own experience if you want to read my long winded intro post. I think a lot of people have joined this forum in very similar situations! It was really nice to engage with people who didn't think I was bonkers. I have had to learn to keep my mouth shut about these affairs with my family and friends, so it is very lovely that I get to share conversations here with people who pick up what I put down. 

 

 Community is important, and as much as it pains me to admit sometimes... no man is an island  Cheers to all the future discussions you're bound to take place in, and welcome home !!

 

Your brother in Dao,

 

Kyoji

 

 @vismundcygnus34

 

 

[Starjumper]

5 hours ago, vismundcygnus34 said:

When I came across the idea of shaktipat I immediately thought "that sounds a lot like what happened to me.   Only, I'm not a shaman apprentice."  Another point of confusion for me.  If you are right, I hope I can get back on track.  I'll check your book out as well, thanks.  

 

This guy named Glen Morris had a kundalini experience (similar to enlightenment) when he was on his own, I think.  After that he met the Ninja grandmaster and got into Ninjitsu.  Real ninjitsu is definitely a strong shaman path, but of course it depends on who you learn it from.  I think a lot of the teachers focus on combat methods and not so much on the mystical side, but some do.  Later he started teaching Ninjitsu and some kind of chi kung, which I hear was pretty good (students got results).

 

You may also want to read his book "Path notes of an American Ninja Master", it was very good and can give you some ideas.

 

In any case, what I think is required of you is to find a shamanic teacher in person, to spend quality time with, to learn a path, and then try to teach.  I say try, because it's really tough to get students if you have depth and sincerity, most seekers go for the glitz and the BS, so teachers cater to that.  Don't go down that path.

 

There are different levels of shaman, from pathetic weenie shamans ( hot, naked, beer, yoga teachers), to mid level, to high level shamans.  You want to find a high level guy of course, and if you wish for it there is a good chance you will bump into one, synchronistically, because of your experience.  Another thing is that a lot of shamans have been exterminated and a lot of the high level (native style) shamans are quite isolated.  Like for example, to get to a real Amazon Indian shaman usually takes a two day canoe ride down some river somewhere.  Other shamans, the ones that have all the Ayahuasca parties, are easy to get to, but they are either fakes or weenies.

 

I think ideally you want to kind of bump into your future teacher by semi-accident.  This is because the good ones keep a real low profile.  The ones that go the publicity route invariably cater to the kindergarten level.

 

 

 

 

Edited June 24, 2019 by Starjumper

[Lost in Translation]

15 hours ago, vismundcygnus34 said:

I see a bright explosive light in my field of vision, and felt like hot wonderful gold liquid was running through my body (particularly my back which had been in pain for weeks prior).  I began to laugh, cry, and felt a sort of ecstasy that I had never experienced.  My mind was swimming in bewilderment, as if a bunch of ideas clicked together simultaneously, like a floodgate had been opened in my mind.  And I felt a presence in the room, a"being" i guess, although it had no form other than flickering bright light, and if felt like flowing unconditional love.  I recall never looking directly at it, but more like it was in my periphery and I knew it was there.  I felt an amazing rush of gratitude, almost like I felt that something this extraordinary couldn't happen to me and the fact that it did was too good to be true.  This is how powerful this feeling and experience was at the time.

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

To be blunt, you have been in the presence of God. All the excuses you have ever made to protect your fragile sense of self are falling away, at least they are if you allow them to. The choice is always yours.

 

I had a similar experience, including the golden light and the supernatural presence. Others here have also felt this.

 

Spoiler

This is what I experienced, if you are interested.

 

 

 

 

Edited June 24, 2019 by Lost in Translation

[vismundcygnus34]

2 hours ago, Rara said:

 

There's a moral somewhere in the book of Zhuangzi that reiterates how a sage walks among the rest of us and blends in. The best thing about these experiences is having the choice to do so. I don't know if you're finding this already, but the more you follow said signs, and go with the flow...because life becomes intuitive, you remain at peace.

 

Being at peace is useful in society. Everyone else is pretty damn all over the place, so you'll be a pleasant guy to hang around.

 

 

You're very welcome. Maybe one day we will sit with a nice pot of tea and ramble more about this all. You never know.

 

I will keep this in mind, although I'm no sage.  More the fool lol.  I agree though, and being that pleasant peaceful guy sounds good to me.  I'm always interested in rambling, although I'm more of a coffee guy

[vismundcygnus34]

1 hour ago, kyoji said:

I came to this forum in a very similar predicament my friend.

 

I think you've showed up to the right place to try  and hash out some of the confusion you have.  Our fellow bums are rather helpful and filled with insight, I have benefited immensely from joining.

 

I came here after a very intense psychedelic experience in which I was not ready for,  that you can compare with your own experience if you want to read my long winded intro post. I think a lot of people have joined this forum in very similar situations! It was really nice to engage with people who didn't think I was bonkers. I have had to learn to keep my mouth shut about these affairs with my family and friends, so it is very lovely that I get to share conversations here with people who pick up what I put down. 

 

 Community is important, and as much as it pains me to admit sometimes... no man is an island  Cheers to all the future discussions you're bound to take place in, and welcome home !!

 

Your brother in Dao,

 

Kyoji

 

 @vismundcygnus34

 

 

 

Hi, 

 

It seems this forum is a meeting place for people with this type of experience :).  I read your experience, that is amazing!  I can definitely see some parallels between ours, and others, experiences.  

 

It is quite a predicament to have an experience that necessitates silence, while making the need for connection very crucial.  And I agree, no man is island

 

Thanks for the welcome, cheers

 

[vismundcygnus34]

1 hour ago, Starjumper said:

 

This guy named Glen Morris had a kundalini experience (similar to enlightenment) when he was on his own, I think.  After that he met the Ninja grandmaster and got into Ninjitsu.  Real ninjitsu is definitely a strong shaman path, but of course it depends on who you learn it from.  I think a lot of the teachers focus on combat methods and not so much on the mystical side, but some do.  Later he started teaching Ninjitsu and some kind of chi kung, which I hear was pretty good (students got results).

 

You may also want to read his book "Path notes of an American Ninja Master", it was very good and can give you some ideas.

 

In any case, what I think is required of you is to find a shamanic teacher in person, to spend quality time with, to learn a path, and then try to teach.  I say try, because it's really tough to get students if you have depth and sincerity, most seekers go for the glitz and the BS, so teachers cater to that.  Don't go down that path.

 

There are different levels of shaman, from pathetic weenie shamans ( hot, naked, beer, yoga teachers), to mid level, to high level shamans.  You want to find a high level guy of course, and if you wish for it there is a good chance you will bump into one, synchronistically, because of your experience.  Another thing is that a lot of shamans have been exterminated and a lot of the high level (native style) shamans are quite isolated.  Like for example, to get to a real Amazon Indian shaman usually takes a two day canoe ride down some river somewhere.  Other shamans, the ones that have all the Ayahuasca parties, are easy to get to, but they are either fakes or weenies.

 

I think ideally you want to kind of bump into your future teacher by semi-accident.  This is because the good ones keep a real low profile.  The ones that go the publicity route invariably cater to the kindergarten level.

 

 

 

 

 

I was wondering if anyone would mention Kundalini.  In the beginning of my research I came upon the concept and it sounds extremely similar, in some ways I haven't elucidated on in my first passage.  However, I can not be sure of course.  My experience differed from, say, Gopi Krishna for example.  

 

My hope throughout the years has been just what you described.  That I would happen upon the correct teacher at the correct time.  Thus far it hasn't happened (except in my dreams.  I have a couple of dream figures that seem to guide me).  

 

It's funny you mention ayahuasca ceremonies.  I planned to go to the Amazon to take ayahuasca and try to speak with a shaman about my experience.  I had the plans ready, and all I need was the passport.  Passport came back misspelled.  Had to change my plans, and eventually I was unable to go.  Something similar happened a second time recently as well.  The signs have been clear about that thus far :).  

My greatest hope would be for a high level shaman/sage etc.  would at the very least give me some specific insight into the big picture meaning of this experience.  (if any other than a divine present of sorts)

 

Do you think it is possible to be taught purely from dreams?  

 

 

Edited June 25, 2019 by vismundcygnus34
spelling

[vismundcygnus34]

1 hour ago, Lost in Translation said:

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

To be blunt, you have been in the presence of God. All the excuses you have ever made to protect your fragile sense of self are falling away, at least they are if you allow them to. The choice is always yours.

 

I had a similar experience, including the golden light and the supernatural presence. Others here have also felt this.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

This is what I experienced, if you are interested.

 

 

 

 

 

What a fascinating experience.  We used similar language, and imagery to describe it as well.  

 

I must say, it certainly felt like a brush with the Divine.  I'm afraid my sense of self still holds a lot of sway with me.  However, I still feel very humbled by it.  I've never doubted the feeling of something greater than me since that day.  

 

Thank you for sharing your experience.  I'd love to one day see a compendium of such experiences available to compare and contrast.  

[Rara]

7 hours ago, vismundcygnus34 said:

 

I will keep this in mind, although I'm no sage.  More the fool lol

 

Arguably just two sides of the same coin. Either way, better to be one of these than completely unaware

[gendao]

7 hours ago, vismundcygnus34 said:

I was wondering if anyone would mention Kundalini.  In the beginning of my research I came upon the concept and it sounds extremely similar, in some ways I haven't elucidated on in my first passage.  However, I can not be sure of course.  My experience differed from, say, Gopi Krishna for example. 

Yes, the white flashbulb light seems indicative of a Kundalini awakening.  Welcome to your jungle, hehe...

I have a feeling mine might be on the way to pop sometime in the near future too...had some unusual kriyas this afternoon after some stretching.

[dwai]

Hi Vismund, as I was reading your post, I felt like there were parts of my own life experiences that were being described, starting with a similar peak experience that your awakening started with.

 

I would suggest, as some others have, that you had an awakening experience, but due to karma from your previous lifetimes, wherein you must have had put in sufficient spiritual work.

 

Even your issues with addiction, suffering etc are a result of past life karma being unfolded.  Many of us go through these. Consider them as opportunities to cleanse the conditioned mind so that you can allow the awakening to fully shine through. 

 

If you don't mind me asking, Are you looking for a teacher or are you looking for someone to confirm what you have known/suspected all along?

 

If it is the former, I'd recommend you identify one tradition that resonates with you most and finding a bonafide teacher in it (given the you seem to have done extensive studying across various spiritual traditions). 

 

You might have to start from scratch, as a beginner. But it is good to have a beginner's mind. 

 

If it is the latter,  many here will confirm what you already know. But that won't help you much in "owning your awakening". For that, you have to do some work in this lifetime. Otherwise, you might have to come back again one more time. 

 

As to what that work entails, only your selected teacher will be able to tell you. My advise to you is, once you find a good teacher (and you will know when you do so), dedicate yourself to following his/her teachings. Be sincere in your practices, and genuine in your desire to fully manifest your awakening. If you do so, you might attain liberation in this lifetime.