Jokes

[moment]

How many Tai Chi Players does it take to change a lightbulb?  Answer: ten, one to change the bulb and nine to tell you how they do it differently.

[moment]

Thus, as Sufi-Zen poet Thomas Burns says: “May you be ridiculously happy!”—or, if you prefer, happily ridiculous!

 

One Buddhist monk leaned over to another and quietly asked, “Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?”

[moment]

GEORGE CARLIN, ON REVERSING LIFE’S SEQUENCE

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then…
You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

[moment]

The Yogi walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor and said: “Make me one with everything.” When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said “Don’t I get any change?” The proprietor said, “Change must come from within".

Edited August 1, 2019 by moment

[moment]

A new monk arrives at the old Italian monastery for his celibate life of shared poverty and prayer, and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying, and muttering between tears: “There’s an R! There’s an R!” He asks the old monk what’s wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, “The original word isn’t “celibate” but “celebrate.”

Edited August 1, 2019 by moment

[moment]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew their art. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to where one little girl was working diligently, the teacher asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But honey, no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

[Pavel Karavaev]

9 hours ago, moment said:

GEORGE CARLIN, ON REVERSING LIFE’S SEQUENCE

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then…
You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

 

It is amazing how many intersections with the Taoist path in this sequence!  

[moment]

52 minutes ago, Pavel Karavaev said:

 

It is amazing how many intersections with the Taoist path in this sequence!  

 

Yes!

[moment]

My computer produces error messages in haiku: 

The Web site you seek 
cannot be located 
but endless others exist. 

***** 
Chaos reigns within. 
Reflect, repent, and reboot. 
Order shall return. 
 
***** 
With searching comes loss 
and the presence of absence: 
''my thesis'' not found. 

***** 
The Tao that is seen 
is not the true Tao, until 
You bring fresh toner. 

Edited August 1, 2019 by moment

[Nungali]

Rabbi and priest are fishing   ( apparently this happens a lot, although I have never seen it    

 

R;  " So, this Priest caper ,  you do alright with that ?"

 

P; " Caper  ?   Alright ...  "  "

 

R;  "  Yes,  do they look after you, do you get enough allowance , is their room for advancement ? "

 

P;  "  Advancement ?"

 

R; ' Yes,  you are a priest .....  but then what ?

 

P;  " Oh, I see , well, I suppose I could become a Bishop some time in the future ."

 

R;  " I see ..... and then what ?"

 

P ;  "  Well, after Bishop is Cardinal, if I became a Bishop, thn I could become a Cardinal. "

 

R; "  Ooooo   Cardinal !    And then what ? "

 

P;  "  Well,  if I did become a Cardinal and I wanted to get involved in politics  and all that, its not impossible that one day I could be elected Pope . "

 

R;   "  Oooooo     Pope !  ... and then what ?"

 

P;  "Look, what's with the sarcastic attitude ?   There is no  'and then what ' after Pope !  Thats it !  What ? ... you expect me to become Jesius Christ ! "

 

R; "  Well   ......   one of our boys did it . "

[silent thunder]

 

13 hours ago, Pavel Karavaev said:

 

It is amazing how many intersections with the Taoist path in this sequence!  

George reminds me of a modern version of Chuang Tzu in how he lampoons social oddities with razor sharp observations and reveals their inherent absurdities with humorous high skill.

[Pavel Karavaev]

On 02.08.2019 at 6:33 AM, silent thunder said:

George reminds me of a modern version of Chuang Tzu in how he lampoons social oddities with razor sharp observations and reveals their inherent absurdities with humorous high skill.

Yes, I also thought this way. George Carlin was a mighty artist.
But I think if someone would told him about Taoism, he would laugh on it too 

[Earl Grey]

Two altar boys decided to have some fun after finding a dead horse on the road not far from the monastery. 

 

Removing its phallus, they toss it in the middle of the garden where the nuns have their afternoon walk. 

 

Observing from behind the trees, they watch two puzzled young nuns unable to figure out what this strange, cylinder-like object that looked like a snake was. So they called in the Abbess.

 

The Abbess comes, looks, and cries out in sorrow, "Oh no! The Archbishop is dead!"

[Nungali]

A Nun decides to  jump the convent wall for a night out on the town to see what others get up to. She goes down to the basement and rifles through the  charity stuff for an outfit, gets some sheets and ties them together , over the wall and gone .

 

She sees a sign 'Singles  Bar '    and thinks ' I am single, so I will go in here. '   and takes a stool at the bar. Immediately a guy appears next to her and '

 

" Hi Sister, can I buy you a drink? "

 

" Yes please, that would be nice, but how did you know I was a Nun . "

 

" What ? "

 

"  You called me sister .... "  and she explains her story.

 

" Oh I see .... I tell you  what sister , I can show you exactly what people get up to, and at the same time, you will be doing me a 'little favour ' .

 

" Okay then, that sounds good, but you know all about me now,  what about you, what do you do ? "

 

"I am a radio DJ, I have a show on  KGY  . "

 

" Oh really !  My dear old Mum listens to that station everyday .  I would really love to do a surprise appearance on your show and say hello to my mum, she would be so surprised and just love that ."

 

" Well, I can do you that favour, if you can do me my little favour - and at the same time, you will get to see what we do for fun, outside the convent . "

 

" Okay, what do I have to do . "

 

" Come back to my place and I will show you how to do everything . "

 

- so they go back to his place, he takes her into his bedroom, sits her  on the bed and stands in front of her .

 

he gets  ' it '  out and  thrusts it towards her ;

 

" Well Sis, do you what to do with this ?'

 

"Oh boy! I sure do ! :  She grabs it with her hand and leans  forward ;

 

"  Hello !   Mum ? This is your daughter Sister Mary Teresa   ..... Surprise  !   " 

 

[moment]

A christian, a jew, a muslim, a buddhist, and an atheist walk into a bar and the bartender says what is this, some kind of a joke?

[Nungali]

How far can you walk into a forest ?

 

( think about it before opening )

 

Spoiler

 Half way ... after that you are walking OUT of the forest .

 

[Earl Grey]

1 hour ago, Nungali said:

How far can you walk into a forest ?

 

( think about it before opening )

 

  Hide contents

 Half way ... after that you are walking OUT of the forest .

 

 

More of a riddle there, but here’s one from me. Where can you see farther, in light or dark, and why?

 

Spoiler

Dark, because you can see the the stars at night, millions of light years away. 

 

And a joke: Trump, Putin, Erdogan, Modi, Duterte, Bolsonaro, and Xi all jump off a cliff to see who lands first. Who wins?

 

Spoiler

Society.

 

[Nungali]

- Aussie joke

 

Ivan Millat    (infamous  back packer murderer that  buried people in state forests  )    is walking through the forest with his GF late at night ;

 

GF ; " Oh Ivan ... I'm so scared ."

 

Ivan :   " Why ? "

 

GF  ;  'Well, out here, in the middle of nowhere, at night . "

 

Ivan ;  " You're   scared !   ...    I'm the one that has to walk all the way back to the car by myself  ! "

[moment]

The world’s oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today.

 

It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

[moment]

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh,  — “How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.”

[moment]

One of the oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons — “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before? Answer: A key.”

[moment]

Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.-- Ronnie Barker