New member - long introduction (sorry)

[Nier]

Hey everyone,

 

Not sure where to begin. Seems like anywhere I do will imply a false priority from me. I guess chronologically is the best. I grew up in a Christian home. Heavily studied the Bible from a young age, and competed in competitions. I tended to ask a lot of uncomfortable questions that the adults and leaders around me couldn't answer and that sent me off looking for answers. This was pre "everything is at your fingertips" online, so I mostly had to scavenge book stores and garage sales. I got scraps of the Dao De Jing, loose writings about the trigrams, some speeches from the Buddha and occasionally some things about alchemy but that was it as far as esoteric knowledge went.  I turned to medicine, math, science, business and music (but mostly relationships) for years until I had a very complicated multi year falling out with a girl who I was certain was my soul mate that concluded during my junior year of college while I was pre medicine. I fell into a really bad depression where I was sleeping 20 hours a day that finally concluded with me starting off on a journey of more obscure sources that could answer my questions. I dropped out of medicine and finished a different degree that I could do without much effort so I could spend time studying. I also could order more obscure books online but I didn't know what I was looking for or where to go. I started with Plato and the I Ching and just jumped off to whatever was tangential. I didn't know where I was going, I just followed wherever I felt a fulfillment studying. I studied multiple languages, art, physics, math, history, etc. 99% of my studying was related to the liberal arts and my profession with only occasional forays into cursory Daoism or Buddhism, followed by a massive revelation and more liberal arts studying with a new perspective. This cycle repeated for years, where I felt a creeping existential dread overtake me the more I studied, but I continued anyway.

 

This culminated about a year ago where I had a total breakdown. I'm still not even sure what I had a breakdown about. I drank socially because I have social anxiety and it eases my nerves in crowds. But my social drinking had been escalating for months. I made a complete fool of myself and after a series of events that night, spent the night sobbing on my friend's couch, incapable of answering their questions of why I was so distraught. This occurred again just weeks later. This was all extremely out of character for as I've always been a quiet withdrawn introvert. I was also the one who had it all put together and was counsel to my friends.

 

After these 2 episodes I dove headlong into studying philosophy, theology and mysticism. But particularly metaphysics and epistemology and trying to marry all the natural philosophy I'd studied for years and "knew" to be true with these rediscovered questions I had about the unknown.  I don't know why, it just seemed to be where I was pulled to. I also began regularly meditating. Over the last few months, I've been having what feel like divine revelations about the world. I've attempted to explain them to my friends but they don't follow what I'm saying as evidenced by their inability to repeat back what I'm saying with clarity. This has lead me to believe that unlike the philosophy I used to share with them, the insights I'm having now are beyond words. I've never felt so alone because of this, feeling almost "trapped" in my own head. So I've taken up art in an attempt to express what I've learned, and circumvent reason's inability to grasp what I feel is the paradoxical nature of metaphysics. I've found solace in the work of men like Jung or Leibniz who I feel are attempting to express the same thing I think I've found. But I'm not sure.

 

I came here because I've hit a point where I have questions and I don't know what to google or what books to read. So I was hoping that could find answers from people here as teachers and fellows on a similar journey.

 

I apologize for the long winded story

[sean]

Welcome @Nier 👋

 

No need to apologize,  nice to hear your story.

[Apech]

Hi,

 

Welcome.  Look forward to your questions - although I predict I'll be able to answer none of them

 

 

[Arkhion]

Very interesting history
I hope you find what you're looking for!

[Michael Sternbach]

Hi Nier

 

And welcome to the forums.

 

I am confident that many here will see themselves mirrored in what you described in your interesting introduction. In fact, parts of it strongly reminded me of the path I walked myself so far. I look forward to exchanging thoughts and insights with you.

 

Cheers

Michael

[Michael Sternbach]

1 hour ago, Apech said:

Hi,

 

Welcome.  Look forward to your questions - although I predict I'll be able to answer none of them

 

 

 

Nice example of British understatement, you slick cat! 😺

[manitou]

"trying to marry all the natural philosophy I'd studied for years and "knew" to be true"

 

I think that's wonderful.  That's exactly what I've done as well.  You are definitely in the right place.

 

If you ever want to discuss alcohol (I'm a recovering one, 39 years sober) please PM me.  I've been right where you are with the drinking thing.

[sagebrush]

hello Neir-

 

I do not post often at the Dao bums but felt moved to post a welcome to you.

 

I just kept having this thought about your impetus and compelling nature to understand what is. that is the most simple way for me to not have to restate some of your journey. I recall a daunting fact which I DO NOT KNOW to be total fact or not but it regarded the worlds oceans and exploration. 5% of the oceans of the world have been discovered. just trying to draw parallel to what I think possibly the not being so comfortable other 95% not explored. comb the libraries/access to internet/ al this learning math science languages...

 

It seems like its so far unlike anything I experience. for me maybe  the pendulum swing so far the other way- as in I hope to understand the world in something more simple and poetic like a grain of sand.

 

so its very entertaining to read your opening story and I am sure many others will connect with you

 

 

best of luck and I hope the difficult times lighten.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Nier]

I appreciate the kind words and the warm welcome from all of you. I hope I can contribute as much back to this community as I hope to get from it. Looking forward to seeing all of you around the forums