How do I get rid of these sensations?

[ilumairen]

24 minutes ago, Nintendao said:

Hey @Tryingtodobetter I don't know if it's already been one of the recommendations or if you have any experience with fasting. If there's something eating you from the inside why not stop feeding it? Literally. Cut off the energy source. I'm not even that fond of the word 'fasting' because it also has connotations of some spiritual or energetic practices, but those can just complicate things and keep introducing even more of other energies. Digestive system is chemically powerful, to be able to break down foods. When no food arrives for a while, certain enzymes themselves will travel from the intestines to the blood stream looking for miscellaneous junk they might be able to burn. You don't have to kill your whole body in order to kill what's trying to kill you.

 

Sometimes this is good advice, and sometimes not as much. 

 

I'd be curious what the dietary habits of the OP actually are.

[Nintendao]

10 minutes ago, ilumairen said:

 

Sometimes this is good advice, and sometimes not as much. 

 

I'd be curious what the dietary habits of the OP actually are.

 

Absolutely. Anorexia/bulimia has been one of the most destructive things I've seen someone go through. Not just to the body but obviously the mind and every other aspect of trying to live a life of torment and secrecy. If starving yourself or any other over-austerity has been part of what's gotten things to this point, go and get you a dang quarter pounder with cheese and no regrets.

[silent thunder]

I lived in chronic pain for over a decade.

 

Undiagnosable for many of those years, the source of the pain was truly 'a mystery'.

 

Unrelenting, stabbing, piercing, relentless pain.  No position would alleviate it.

Countless trips to doctors.  Sleep was always a struggle. 

 

I went from a thriving man who saturated in martial arts daily, had a career as an award winning Shakespearean stage actor and stage combat choreographer, a free rock climbing champion, who logged tens of thousands of miles on his bike solo camping across the Midwest and Canada... to a guy stuck in a chair, unable to walk without a cane, suffering without hope of escape... for over ten years.

 

Eentually, I recalled the words of Hamlet and the prison began to break for me.

I realized that in spite of the two surgeries that 'saved my foot', the degeneration and atrophy may well have left me in permanent disabled status with chronic pain as a side dish...

 

But even though there was pain, that did not mean I had to suffer it.  I recalled a practice i developed in high school, whereby I could push a pin through my hand and not suffer from the sensation.  It started slow at first, pushing the pin a small ways into the palm of my hand to simply experience the pain of it.  Then, I began to 'project my entire awareness into the center of the sensation'.

 

I found I was able to focus awareness so fully into the center of the 'pain' that it ceased being pain and became sensation.  Shortly after that, i found awareness could become so fully immured in the center of the sensation that the sensation ceased registering.  There was no pain, no sensation, only awareness focused in awareness.

 

Unable to withstand the fog and walking coma of taking heavy duty western pain meds, I began to 'go into the pain'.

 

In the midst of this, my mind offered me some aid in the form of a glaring memory of stage days that was most appropriate to my current situation.  Hamlet. Act 2 Scene 2.  Rosencranz and Guildenstern, Hamlet's college buddies, are brought to court by the King and Queen to help ascertain why Hamlet is so sullen, depressed and prone to violent outbursts.

 

In the scene, while probing, Hamlet reveals the subsidiary source of his malady.

"Denmark's a prison" comes at the end of scene 2, in Act 2.

 

HAMLET
Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.
Let me question more in particular: what have you,
My good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune,
That she sends you to prison hither?

GUILDENSTERN
Prison, my lord!

HAMLET
Denmark's a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ
Then is the world one.

HAMLET
A goodly one; in which there are many confines,
Wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o' the worst.

ROSENCRANTZ
We think not so, my lord.

HAMLET
Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothing
Either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me
It is a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ
Why then, your ambition makes it one; 'tis too
Narrow for your mind.

HAMLET
O God, I could be bounded in a nut shell and count
Myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I
Have bad dreams.

GUILDENSTERN
Which dreams indeed are ambition, for the very
Substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream.

HAMLET
A dream itself is but a shadow.

ROSENCRANTZ
Truly, and I hold ambition of so airy and light a
Quality that it is but a shadow's shadow.

HAMLET
Then are our beggars bodies, and our monarchs and
Outstretched heroes the beggars' shadows. Shall we
To the court? for, by my fay, I cannot reason.

ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN
We'll wait upon you.

 

His mind had become his prison.  As had mine.

I thought my body had imprisoned me, but it was my mind, my awareness that was holding me hostage to the sensations of pain.

 

I began to 'go into the pain'.  I entered it so fully with my awareness that the response was like entering a room with an overpowering stench of perfume, which after a time, is rendered unsmellable due to it's over saturation.

 

I began to play my old kung fu forms in my mind as detailedly as possible and found a route to internal martial arts on my own, sitting in a chair in los angeles, without a teacher.

 

Eventually I found it tolerable to 'go with the sensation' even while putting weight on the leg.

 

Several years into this process of hobbling about, I encountered Master Zhou Ting-Jue, who taught me a process to help my body heal itself. 

 

Within a year and a half, all my former aches and pains, including the searing pain of the 'nearly lost foot' were gone.

 

I'm back working in film and television, working 60-70 hour weeks constructing scenic elements.  I wrestle and teach my 13 year old son Ju Jitsu and still occasionally, the ankle will bark, but it does not control my awareness. 

 

 

Denmark, the world, our sensations, our families, may be unpleasant, but it is our awareness that allows them to become prisons.

 

 

Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

 

[moment]

17 minutes ago, silent thunder said:

I lived in chronic pain for over a decade.

 

Undiagnosable for many of those years, the source of the pain was truly 'a mystery'.

 

Unrelenting, stabbing, piercing, relentless pain.  No position would alleviate it.

Countless trips to doctors.  Sleep was always a struggle. 

 

I went from a thriving man who saturated in martial arts daily, had a career as an award winning Shakespearean stage actor and stage combat choreographer, a free rock climbing champion, who logged tens of thousands of miles on his bike solo camping across the Midwest and Canada... to a guy stuck in a chair, unable to walk without a cane, suffering without hope of escape... for over ten years.

 

Eentually, I recalled the words of Hamlet and the prison began to break for me.

I realized that in spite of the two surgeries that 'saved my foot', the degeneration and atrophy may well have left me in permanent disabled status with chronic pain as a side dish...

 

But even though there was pain, that did not mean I had to suffer it.  I recalled a practice i developed in high school, whereby I could push a pin through my hand and not suffer from the sensation.  It started slow at first, pushing the pin a small ways into the palm of my hand to simply experience the pain of it.  Then, I began to 'project my entire awareness into the center of the sensation'.

 

I found I was able to focus awareness so fully into the center of the 'pain' that it ceased being pain and became sensation.  Shortly after that, i found awareness could become so fully immured in the center of the sensation that the sensation ceased registering.  There was no pain, no sensation, only awareness focused in awareness.

 

Unable to withstand the fog and walking coma of taking heavy duty western pain meds, I began to 'go into the pain'.

 

In the midst of this, my mind offered me some aid in the form of a glaring memory of stage days that was most appropriate to my current situation.  Hamlet. Act 2 Scene 2.  Rosencranz and Guildenstern, Hamlet's college buddies, are brought to court by the King and Queen to help ascertain why Hamlet is so sullen, depressed and prone to violent outbursts.

 

In the scene, while probing, Hamlet reveals the subsidiary source of his malady.

"Denmark's a prison" comes at the end of scene 2, in Act 2.

 

HAMLET
Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.
Let me question more in particular: what have you,
My good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune,
That she sends you to prison hither?

GUILDENSTERN
Prison, my lord!

HAMLET
Denmark's a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ
Then is the world one.

HAMLET
A goodly one; in which there are many confines,
Wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o' the worst.

ROSENCRANTZ
We think not so, my lord.

HAMLET
Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothing
Either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me
It is a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ
Why then, your ambition makes it one; 'tis too
Narrow for your mind.

HAMLET
O God, I could be bounded in a nut shell and count
Myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I
Have bad dreams.

GUILDENSTERN
Which dreams indeed are ambition, for the very
Substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream.

HAMLET
A dream itself is but a shadow.

ROSENCRANTZ
Truly, and I hold ambition of so airy and light a
Quality that it is but a shadow's shadow.

HAMLET
Then are our beggars bodies, and our monarchs and
Outstretched heroes the beggars' shadows. Shall we
To the court? for, by my fay, I cannot reason.

ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN
We'll wait upon you.

 

His mind had become his prison.  As had mine.

I thought my body had imprisoned me, but it was my mind, my awareness that was holding me hostage to the sensations of pain.

 

I began to 'go into the pain'.  I entered it so fully with my awareness that the response was like entering a room with an overpowering stench of perfume, which after a time, is rendered unsmellable due to it's over saturation.

 

I began to play my old kung fu forms in my mind as detailedly as possible and found a route to internal martial arts on my own, sitting in a chair in los angeles, without a teacher.

 

Eventually I found it tolerable to 'go with the sensation' even while putting weight on the leg.

 

Several years into this process of hobbling about, I encountered Master Zhou Ting-Jue, who taught me a process to help my body heal itself. 

 

Within a year and a half, all my former aches and pains, including the searing pain of the 'nearly lost foot' were gone.

 

I'm back working in film and television, working 60-70 hour weeks constructing scenic elements.  I wrestle and teach my 13 year old son Ju Jitsu and still occasionally, the ankle will bark, but it does not control my awareness. 

 

 

Denmark, the world, our sensations, our families, may be unpleasant, but it is our awareness that allows them to become prisons.

 

 

Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

 

 

I love Hamlet! I somehow did not feel Shakespeare in that last line--- but!, I liked it!

Edited November 29, 2019 by moment

[thursday]

Tryingtodobetter, I have read only a little bit in this thread and just want to say don't take the advice personally. Or if you do, remind yourself they are all taking a good amount of time out of their own practices to help people here, including you. Sometimes a great amount of time and energy.. They are doing the best they can here, hope you can understand..

 

 

Edited November 29, 2019 by thursday

[Walker]

On 11/29/2019 at 11:54 PM, Earl Grey said:

“True words are not beautiful and beautiful words are not true. Those who argue don’t know, and those who know don’t argue.” -TTC 81

 

At this rate, go right ahead and off yourself, man. Every point and all the advice we shared has gone over your head, and the most compassionate thing to say at this point is to just say, “Hope suicide works out for you” because it appears that’s what you really want, not peace or healing.

 

I feel that this message comes form the right place (I know you do not wish for the kid to harm himself and, as suicides inevitably do, dozens of people in his family and community). Having been in the martial arts world for a long time, I'm also accustomed to this kind of tough love talk, and obviously--for better or for worse--I used quite a bit myself in this thread. But I think it needs to be said that it's really playing with fire to ever say what you did, lest he hears the exact opposite of what you're hoping he will, and goes and does something truly stupid. The news every day proves that lots of people really do take plunges into all sorts of scary deep ends. Those who are potentially so close to the precipice probably don't benefit from this kind of reverse psychology, I think!

[Earl Grey]

3 hours ago, Walker said:

 

I feel that this message comes form the right place (I know you do not wish for the kid to harm himself and, as suicides inevitably do, dozens of people in his family and community). Having been in the martial arts world for a long time, I'm also accustomed to this kind of tough love talk, and obviously--for better or for worse--I used quite a bit myself in this thread. But I think it needs to be said that it's really playing with fire to ever say what you did, lest he hears the exact opposite of what you're hoping he will, and goes and does something truly stupid. The news every day proves that lots of people really do take plunges into all sorts of scary deep ends. Those who are potentially so close to the precipice probably don't benefit from this kind of reverse psychology, I think!

 

In most suicide interventions, I've found that this works half the time--not because someone offed themselves when it failed, but it made them feel more upset that "nobody cared" and "people were deliberately trying to piss them off instead of help" as they saw it. 

 

What's amusing is that there is an old One Piece anime episode where the gang was trying to prevent a whale character from feeling suicidal and killing himself, and the main character, Captain Luffy, starts pissing him off, calling him names, and hitting him. The whale gets pissed off as Luffy runs away and reasons that by pissing off the whale and fighting him, he inspires the whale to have a new raison d'etre, which is beating the shit out of someone who annoyed and offended him, from training to have the capacity to challenge Luffy to needing to search the ends of the earth to find him and destroy him.

 

Now obviously that isn't necessarily what's going to happen in this situation, but there are many limitations to what we can do as concerned individuals online dealing with someone whose willingness to help himself is limited by his stubbornness and baffling priorities of thinking it isn't worth paying for professional help from a therapist or an Ayurveda or TCM doctor like Eric Isen. So how do you reason with that? It sounds more like he wants to vent and wants people to listen and play the game, but he's had other threads about suicide before in the past and it seems to me more like he's venting. 

[silent thunder]

I have zero issues with anyone ending their life in the manner and time of their choosing.

It's their life.  Their option.  My dear friend and boss recently revealed he was suicidal.

My wife hovered in and out of suicidal tendencies for three years, quite recently.

 

It will very likely be the manner of my own passing when I follow the tide I sense will eventually rise.

 

Yet to assume anyone ever possesses the inside route into another's mind's motives and can know utterly and truly the manner in which to assuage, or lessen another's suffering, or can cause or prevent right action, or even can know what right action is... is a mighty mantle to pick up.  Too mighty for me any way.

 

The best I have been able to manage is to try and foster a connection.

It is of course an absolute self governing right to voluntarily end one's own life.

 

But in my own experience what moved my hand and the blade away from ending my life on three occasions was connection.

 

That revealed an insight, that I was about to take a permanent action, in the midst of a temporary feeling.

 

Love can sometimes express itself as care, nurturing and penetrating kindness, while it's flip side can express as rage, jealousy and extreme possessiveness.  Love is at times, too much to bear in the fragility of suicidal tendencies... it was love and the pain I felt from that love, that caused me to reach for the knife on those three occasions.

 

Connection is simpler and at times, more powerful and impacting than love even, for me. 

Simple wordless presence can speak volumes beyond any lecture, cajoling, assuaging, massaging or soothing.

 

All depends on the conditions and the conditions it seems, are always moving.

 

Nouns no longer exist for me.  All of life is flowing, moving.  We are all of us, verbs.

 

 

[Everything]

On 29-11-2019 at 1:50 PM, Tryingtodobetter said:

I'm going to kill myself. I'm sure someone who was being shocked and messed with all the time by someone or something would have no problem killing themselves, because what is the point of even being alive with that happening?! What is the point of living when every thing I even think about doing or even enjoying I get a response in my legs that pulses or shocks me depending on the thought?

 

Volunteering is going to stop the pains in my legs that respond to my thoughts? How, how is that going to help

 

Meditation is going to stop the pains in my legs that respond to my thoughts when they're constantly happening how could i possibly meditate properly? Is someone going to recommend a meditation involving imagining myself with butter melting on me?! Is someone going to recommend jesus or Catholicism?! Or some abrahamic or toaist whatever?! Is someone going to recommend qigong?! Is someone going to recommend gardening?! Is someone going to share some photo involving imagery counterintuitive to the plight ice outlined in detail?! Is someone going to recommend "the upanishads"?! Is someone going to recommend something that doesnt help?! Who knows right

 

What is this forum even

 

Suicide is a good answer to this problem. It's not childish. I doubt any of you experience what I do. You want to help me? Just give me something to kill myself with

Meditation, will allow your old sense of self to "die" and allow the new fresh pure ever replenishing true self to naturally and effortlessly arise. But it does require some initial focus on any object of attention that doesn't encourage thought. The goal is to focus consistently on something in order to let go of thought and quiet the mind. As the mind quiets, your greater knowing will at first be felt by you as you feeling better, clear minded.

Emotions are your primary indicator of your allowed or lesser allowed alignment with your true self or greater knowing or your soul.

Then if you quiet your mind by deliberate consistent focus on anything that doesn't encourage thought, like a consistent sound, or a vision, or breath, you release all thoughts and thus also all thoughts of resistance, that block your natural reception of your true nature, and thus your natural reception of your true nature of well-being is naturally and effortlessly received by you, all by itself. And with that comes greater clarity and knowing. 

If your mind wanders, simply gently replace your attention back on your object of attention, and it will eventually quiet, as you maintain your awareness of your object of attention. Simply being aware consistently of anything that is simple, like a sight or sound or breath. It doesn't matter what it is, just focus consistently on it and relax your awareness into it. And eventually your habbitually practiced thoughts of self contradiction will fade away. And your natural clarity and well-being will return.

[Walker]

14 hours ago, Earl Grey said:

In most suicide interventions, I've found that this works half the time--not because someone offed themselves when it failed, but it made them feel more upset that "nobody cared" and "people were deliberately trying to piss them off instead of help" as they saw it. 

 

What's amusing is that there is an old One Piece anime episode where the gang was trying to prevent a whale character from feeling suicidal and killing himself, and the main character, Captain Luffy, starts pissing him off, calling him names, and hitting him. The whale gets pissed off as Luffy runs away and reasons that by pissing off the whale and fighting him, he inspires the whale to have a new raison d'etre, which is beating the shit out of someone who annoyed and offended him, from training to have the capacity to challenge Luffy to needing to search the ends of the earth to find him and destroy him.

 

Now obviously that isn't necessarily what's going to happen in this situation, but there are many limitations to what we can do as concerned individuals online dealing with someone whose willingness to help himself is limited by his stubbornness and baffling priorities of thinking it isn't worth paying for professional help from a therapist or an Ayurveda or TCM doctor like Eric Isen. So how do you reason with that? It sounds more like he wants to vent and wants people to listen and play the game, but he's had other threads about suicide before in the past and it seems to me more like he's venting. 

 

I feel you. I don't think you did the wrong thing. I agree that he seems like a petulant venter, too. Two people close to me killed themselves, both suddenly and without any clear warning--everybody was shocked, especially with the second guy, who had been a radiant source of joy and enthusiasm in the life of everybody he touched, and as he was a generous person, he touched many! Others I have met (and worked with) who sound a lot like Tryingtodobetter strike me as more pitched towards energetic/emotional vampirism. They're suffering, for sure, but they've stumbled into a type of habitual malingering where attention and the stimulation that comes from putting people into a druthers with suicide threats becomes an addiction. That's quite possibly why he returned recently seeking another round of sympathy and care like he got in the (northern hemisphere) summer. Perhaps,  because addiction always requires an increase and diversification of dosages, he has added more angry lashing out, since causing fights also creates a thrill and puts the instigator at the center of attention. I tend to think that behavior like this reflects an underlying desire for cheap, easy dopamine and adrenaline hits, and not an underlying desire to truly change. A swift kick in the ass is probably what people in this rut need more than anything else. 

 

All that said, I still think it's good to be conservative with calling people's bluff, especially online, where it's all too easy to misread situations. We might be totally wrong about the guy! I have a person in my family who is high functioning autistic and I have heard him go on rants like Tryingtodobetter's many times. In my family we all know that he is, for lack of a better term, retarded (he lived in a slum in a war-torn country till he was four and was severely malnourished and orphaned; whatever genetic predisposition to autism he may have had was severely exacerbated by all of this, putting him at a severe disadvantage in life that no amount of therapy and medication and prayer will likely fully fix). Objectively we realize that it is almost impossible for him to change himself, but this does not make his rants less frustrating. The thing is, he's actually quite eloquent, and were he to show up on a message board, it might not be obvious that he's truly not playing with a full deck. And, as harsh as it may sound to say this, the fact is he is also dumb enough that he might cause himself physical harm if encouraged to do so, even by random online strangers in a web forum (petty arguments he has with his online gaming friends are enough to ruin his mood for a week). And that would be a tragedy, because as frustrating and seemingly senseless as he can be sometimes when he gets to ranting about how he's the worst human being on planet earth and should die, he's still a much-beloved and important human being. 

 

Final thought, though... lest it seem like I'm saying that disability or deep psychological torment is an excuse for abusive language, ingratitude, or attempts to start fights, I do not think it is. Even those at a huge disadvantage can and should be reminded to use decorum, gratitude, and circumspection. Anybody capable of tying his shoes is fair game for being firmly told not to be an irascible narcissist, in my books. 

 

9 hours ago, silent thunder said:

Nouns no longer exist for me.  All of life is flowing, moving.  We are all of us, verbs.

 

Wise words. 

[Everything]

People who suicide are powerful freedom seekers.

 

And they will find it, under any and all circumstances, under any and all conditions, regardless of any and all conditions, unconditionally, energy motionally, tending to their primary importance in and of life, the emotion. The desire to feel good, as the primary desire, in all of creating. 

 

Wether it is a castle or a button. It all begins with the primary desire to come back into alignment with the one, that is what life is all about. The one that you are. The one that came forth into this contrasting environment of immense variety. For the joy of your evermore being and becoming. 

 

The true freedom you all seek is the freedom from the bondage of resistance. And it can be achieved, eternally evermore, being and becoming evermore here and now. Effortlessly, joyously. By caring only about how you feel. And wanting to feel good so much, that you are willing to do anything in order to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself to allow yourself, to feel better. 

 

And eventually, you will know that you can do it. And it will set you free forevermore. 

 

 

[Tryingtodobetter]

On 12/3/2019 at 10:12 PM, Walker said:

 

I feel you. I don't think you did the wrong thing. I agree that he seems like a petulant venter, too. Two people close to me killed themselves, both suddenly and without any clear warning--everybody was shocked, especially with the second guy, who had been a radiant source of joy and enthusiasm in the life of everybody he touched, and as he was a generous person, he touched many! Others I have met (and worked with) who sound a lot like Tryingtodobetter strike me as more pitched towards energetic/emotional vampirism. They're suffering, for sure, but they've stumbled into a type of habitual malingering where attention and the stimulation that comes from putting people into a druthers with suicide threats becomes an addiction. That's quite possibly why he returned recently seeking another round of sympathy and care like he got in the (northern hemisphere) summer. Perhaps,  because addiction always requires an increase and diversification of dosages, he has added more angry lashing out, since causing fights also creates a thrill and puts the instigator at the center of attention. I tend to think that behavior like this reflects an underlying desire for cheap, easy dopamine and adrenaline hits, and not an underlying desire to truly change. A swift kick in the ass is probably what people in this rut need more than anything else. 

 

All that said, I still think it's good to be conservative with calling people's bluff, especially online, where it's all too easy to misread situations. We might be totally wrong about the guy! I have a person in my family who is high functioning autistic and I have heard him go on rants like Tryingtodobetter's many times. In my family we all know that he is, for lack of a better term, retarded (he lived in a slum in a war-torn country till he was four and was severely malnourished and orphaned; whatever genetic predisposition to autism he may have had was severely exacerbated by all of this, putting him at a severe disadvantage in life that no amount of therapy and medication and prayer will likely fully fix). Objectively we realize that it is almost impossible for him to change himself, but this does not make his rants less frustrating. The thing is, he's actually quite eloquent, and were he to show up on a message board, it might not be obvious that he's truly not playing with a full deck. And, as harsh as it may sound to say this, the fact is he is also dumb enough that he might cause himself physical harm if encouraged to do so, even by random online strangers in a web forum (petty arguments he has with his online gaming friends are enough to ruin his mood for a week). And that would be a tragedy, because as frustrating and seemingly senseless as he can be sometimes when he gets to ranting about how he's the worst human being on planet earth and should die, he's still a much-beloved and important human being. 

 

Final thought, though... lest it seem like I'm saying that disability or deep psychological torment is an excuse for abusive language, ingratitude, or attempts to start fights, I do not think it is. Even those at a huge disadvantage can and should be reminded to use decorum, gratitude, and circumspection. Anybody capable of tying his shoes is fair game for being firmly told not to be an irascible narcissist, in my books. 

 

 

Wise words. 

 

Would you use those colorful negative attributes to describe the ongoing sensations and shocks in my legs that respond to my thoughts, that have yet to slow down at all despite attempting different methods?

 

Would you use it to describe waking up feeling like I had been sodomized in my sleep by something electrical, and then for a few weeks having large pulsing electrical shocks in that region feeling like someone or something was messing with me?

 

Would you use it to describe all of the obtuse things that were said to me at the mental hospital? Would you use it to describe how my last gmail account was deleted and all of the captchas had "piss" in them which is odd for a company like google to do? Would you use it to describe how a guy at the mental hospital was yelling right in front of me about a hacker named "pee" something? Would you use it describe waking up in that hospital and feeling like I had been stuck with a needle and my current roommate walking over to me and whispering "sorry" and then walking out into the dayroom?

 

Would you use it to describe the pointed algorithm I saw on my youtube and facebook account? Where certain numbered and phrased posts, regardless of content/source, would be the first result and if I pressed "most recent" then suddenly my paranoid ideation/OCD disappeared? Would you use it to describe how i kept getting local ads from the city that woman was from despite me changing my location several times?

 

Would you use it to describe how I tried to commit suicide in a hotel room due to various perceived stimuli, and when I woke up from me failed attempt there was a pill or painkiller on my thigh that I didnt put there and the door to the hotel room was locked and chained? 

 

Would you use it describe all of the various synchronicity and/or "synchronicity" I've experienced? 

 

It wasnt a rant, despite what you or the pulses in my legs and shocks say. It was a plea for help because I thought that someone might be able to help or just understand. I dont even know your motive behind posting in this thread or even who you really are, the same i could say of the forum member "everything" and probably others, I dont know- some members have said unusually synchronistic things. It's not some joke or "just trying to make someone feel bad", I haven't been getting any answers so far from here or elsewhere so like I said im going to kill myself at the first opportunity.

[Everything]

6 hours ago, Tryingtodobetter said:

 

Would you use it to describe all of the obtuse things that were said to me at the mental hospital? Would you use it to describe how my last gmail account was deleted and all of the captchas had "piss" in them which is odd for a company like google to do? Would you use it to describe how a guy at the mental hospital was yelling right in front of me about a hacker named "pee" something? Would you use it describe waking up in that hospital and feeling like I had been stuck with a needle and my current roommate walking over to me and whispering "sorry" and then walking out into the dayroom?

 

I haven't been getting any answers so far from here or elsewhere so like I said im going to kill myself at the first opportunity.

 

imagine I draw a pointy cloud and it looks too sharp. I don't enjoy sharp clouds. Do I kill myself because the cloud I drew looks pointy? No. So I think "Well, what would I prefer. Hmmm, if sharp doesn't feel good, surely soft clouds would feel better right?" And yes it does feel better. So I focus on a round cloud and i draw a round cloud, and it looks good and I am happy. Because it has less sharp edges. The important thing to remember, is that your emotions always help you, guide you, to what you prefer. It is simply your own natural guidance system, that you can always use for self reference, by virtue of them always reflecting upon your own true intentions. So trust your emotional guidance system always. That's all you need, evermore.

Edited December 7, 2019 by Everything

[moment]

On 11/29/2019 at 10:08 AM, silent thunder said:

I lived in chronic pain for over a decade.

 

Undiagnosable for many of those years, the source of the pain was truly 'a mystery'.

 

Unrelenting, stabbing, piercing, relentless pain.  No position would alleviate it.

Countless trips to doctors.  Sleep was always a struggle. 

 

I went from a thriving man who saturated in martial arts daily, had a career as an award winning Shakespearean stage actor and stage combat choreographer, a free rock climbing champion, who logged tens of thousands of miles on his bike solo camping across the Midwest and Canada... to a guy stuck in a chair, unable to walk without a cane, suffering without hope of escape... for over ten years.

 

Eentually, I recalled the words of Hamlet and the prison began to break for me.

I realized that in spite of the two surgeries that 'saved my foot', the degeneration and atrophy may well have left me in permanent disabled status with chronic pain as a side dish...

 

But even though there was pain, that did not mean I had to suffer it.  I recalled a practice i developed in high school, whereby I could push a pin through my hand and not suffer from the sensation.  It started slow at first, pushing the pin a small ways into the palm of my hand to simply experience the pain of it.  Then, I began to 'project my entire awareness into the center of the sensation'.

 

I found I was able to focus awareness so fully into the center of the 'pain' that it ceased being pain and became sensation.  Shortly after that, i found awareness could become so fully immured in the center of the sensation that the sensation ceased registering.  There was no pain, no sensation, only awareness focused in awareness.

 

Unable to withstand the fog and walking coma of taking heavy duty western pain meds, I began to 'go into the pain'.

 

In the midst of this, my mind offered me some aid in the form of a glaring memory of stage days that was most appropriate to my current situation.  Hamlet. Act 2 Scene 2.  Rosencranz and Guildenstern, Hamlet's college buddies, are brought to court by the King and Queen to help ascertain why Hamlet is so sullen, depressed and prone to violent outbursts.

 

In the scene, while probing, Hamlet reveals the subsidiary source of his malady.

"Denmark's a prison" comes at the end of scene 2, in Act 2.

 

HAMLET
Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.
Let me question more in particular: what have you,
My good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune,
That she sends you to prison hither?

GUILDENSTERN
Prison, my lord!

HAMLET
Denmark's a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ
Then is the world one.

HAMLET
A goodly one; in which there are many confines,
Wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o' the worst.

ROSENCRANTZ
We think not so, my lord.

HAMLET
Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothing
Either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me
It is a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ
Why then, your ambition makes it one; 'tis too
Narrow for your mind.

HAMLET
O God, I could be bounded in a nut shell and count
Myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I
Have bad dreams.

GUILDENSTERN
Which dreams indeed are ambition, for the very
Substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream.

HAMLET
A dream itself is but a shadow.

ROSENCRANTZ
Truly, and I hold ambition of so airy and light a
Quality that it is but a shadow's shadow.

HAMLET
Then are our beggars bodies, and our monarchs and
Outstretched heroes the beggars' shadows. Shall we
To the court? for, by my fay, I cannot reason.

ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN
We'll wait upon you.

 

His mind had become his prison.  As had mine.

I thought my body had imprisoned me, but it was my mind, my awareness that was holding me hostage to the sensations of pain.

 

I began to 'go into the pain'.  I entered it so fully with my awareness that the response was like entering a room with an overpowering stench of perfume, which after a time, is rendered unsmellable due to it's over saturation.

 

I began to play my old kung fu forms in my mind as detailedly as possible and found a route to internal martial arts on my own, sitting in a chair in los angeles, without a teacher.

 

Eventually I found it tolerable to 'go with the sensation' even while putting weight on the leg.

 

Several years into this process of hobbling about, I encountered Master Zhou Ting-Jue, who taught me a process to help my body heal itself. 

 

Within a year and a half, all my former aches and pains, including the searing pain of the 'nearly lost foot' were gone.

 

I'm back working in film and television, working 60-70 hour weeks constructing scenic elements.  I wrestle and teach my 13 year old son Ju Jitsu and still occasionally, the ankle will bark, but it does not control my awareness. 

 

 

Denmark, the world, our sensations, our families, may be unpleasant, but it is our awareness that allows them to become prisons.

 

 

Free your mind, and your ass will follow.

 

 

As I read this a second time--- A deep bow to you, sir!

[idiot_stimpy]

You get rid of the sensations by, surrendering to them, instead of fighting against them either physically, emotionally or mentally.

 

Move your attention to the area and dive into it, accepting the pain. 

 

It will be hard and painful but it is necessary to remove the sensation.