Lust - and what to do about it

[BluLotus]

4 hours ago, EFS White said:

So to be clear: It is not simply me feeling lustful that bothers me. What bothers and concerns me is a new flaring up of sexual desire and sexual fantasy with other women I encounter. This is something I would love to overcome and frankly just be rid of, and I had dearly hope that as a father I wouldn't have to struggle with this again.

 

Of course, you're having these desires. You're human and it's instinctual for (straight) men to be attracted to women.  If you aren't getting ANY sex from your wife, it's only natural that your desire for other women will increase. That doesn't mean you should run out and have sex with other women, or demand that your wife have sex with you when she doesn't want to, but you can stop feeling guilty or disturbed by it. Your desire is your soul's way of letting you know that you need sex and you can't go on suffering alone, trying to suppress your desires. That isn't being kind to yourself.

 

Your wife is suffering too. Judging from your description, it's possible that she suffers with possible postpartum depression, which is common after the birth of a child.  Also, sex is not pleasurable when it's painful, and it sounds like she might have internal injuries. It's not your fault, and it's not her fault either, and I am pretty sure she's not happy or fulfilled either. Try to get the practical help from doctors and psychologists/therapists that you need. Spiritual cultivation, (as a way to try and solve these problems), is like trying to put a band aid on skin cancer and hoping it will just go away.

 

That is my two cents. I hope it doesn't sound too harsh or scary, but it's my honest opinion. Saying anything else would just be encouraging you to continue to live in this very depressing, miserable situation, and I would like to see you resolve it and be happy with your wife and your son. Congrats, by the way. I'm sure he's a beautiful boy.

Edited January 23, 2020 by BluLotus

[ilumairen]

34 minutes ago, BluLotus said:

 

Of course, you're having these desires. You're human and you are feeling desire for other women because your needs aren't being met at home. That doesn't mean you should run out and have sex with other women, or demand that your wife have sex with you when she doesn't want to, but you can't go on suffering alone and trying to suppress your desires while your wife suffers with possible postpartum depression and sexual issues of her own. Sex is not pleasurable when it's painful. It's not your fault, and it's not her fault either, but it sounds like something is wrong with your wife physically. I am pretty sure she's not happy or fulfilled either.

 

This is kinda where my own thoughts were leading - with one somewhat "major" difference. 

 

If she is feeling overwhelmed and frustrated it will be very difficult for her to experience arousal. Without experiencing arousal the vagina will not "tent" and it is likely pain will be felt almost immediately upon penetration, just as described. 

 

The fear something went wrong during the c-section may only be adding to the anxiety, and perpetuating the situation. Or it may be a convenient way to keep things "nice" without addressing the issues.. I don't know the people involved, or the situation well enough to say for sure whether either of these are possible or probable. 

 

@EFS White Have you gently and openly said something like, "I sense you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. What can I do to help?"

 

And have you two set aside some time for momma to relax, and get in touch with herself, along with time to relax together?

 

From what I understand it can be as simple as doing the dishes, or putting up the laundry while she feeds the baby.. 

 

I'd also suggest non-penetrative sexual relations when she is relaxed, open, and responsive. Ease into it like teenagers learning and tentatively exploring..

 

Focus on wooing and courting your wife.. 

 

[ilumairen]

I'd also be curious about her diet, and if it's possible she's experiencing vitamin deficiencies which could play a part in the dynamic. 

[EFS White]

1 hour ago, BluLotus said:

 

Of course, you're having these desires. You're human and it's instinctual for (straight) men to be attracted to women.  If you aren't getting ANY sex from your wife, it's only natural that your desire for other women will increase. That doesn't mean you should run out and have sex with other women, or demand that your wife have sex with you when she doesn't want to, but you can stop feeling guilty or disturbed by it. Your desire is your soul's way of letting you know that you need sex and you can't go on suffering alone, trying to suppress your desires. That isn't being kind to yourself.

 

Your wife is suffering too. Judging from your description, it's possible that she suffers with possible postpartum depression, which is common after the birth of a child.  Also, sex is not pleasurable when it's painful, and it sounds like she might have internal injuries. It's not your fault, and it's not her fault either, and I am pretty sure she's not happy or fulfilled either. Try to get the practical help from doctors and psychologists/therapists that you need. Spiritual cultivation, (as a way to try and solve these problems), is like trying to put a band aid on skin cancer and hoping it will just go away.

 

That is my two cents. I hope it doesn't sound too harsh or scary, but it's my honest opinion. Saying anything else would just be encouraging you to continue to live in this very depressing, miserable situation, and I would like to see you resolve it and be happy with your wife and your son. Congrats, by the way. I'm sure he's a beautiful boy.

 

Thanks a lot for your two cents. It doesn't at all sound harsh or scary.

I think the more I meditate on this, the more I reach a similar conclusion as to what your first paragraph stated: It is perfectly natural to be attracted to women, and the less sexual relations we have within our relationship, it seems only logical that I become more responsive to other women again.

We have gone to see two gynecologist so far, and neither of them was particularily helpful. It was more along the lines of, "yeah, we can tell you which pubic bone is causing the pain" - and other than that, "for most women this pain should go away within one year after birth, for some it never goes away". So not very encouraging.

It seems waiting for this pain to subside and waiting for her hormones to recover will be our preferred options here, for as you say "sex is not pleasurable when it's painful", and - I might add - if she just doesn't feel like it.

Thanks again for expressing your thoughts and your encouragements.

 

[EFS White]

20 minutes ago, ilumairen said:

Have you gently and openly said something like, "I sense you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. What can I do to help?"

Thank you for chiming in here, I appreciate it.

 

I did, more than once, as a matter of fact, and I am really bending over backwards here to take over as many chores as I can. I am also going for long walks with our baby to make sure she has time to herself in order to relax or just do whatever.

I think the things you prescribe are all sound, and it may all just be a matter of hanging in there.

Thanks again for your input.

 

[old3bob]

On 1/22/2020 at 10:38 AM, Apech said:

 

 

I agree - you can't get enough of ice cream.

 

I imagine some can do ice cream and sex at the same time 

[thelerner]

I wonder about asking your wife if she'd be open to both of you working thru a book on sensual massage?  Or regular massage.  Get back into mutual touching that way and see if any doors open.  

 

Part of it is being honest or semi-honest and letting her know that you have shoulder and back tension and it'd be wonderful if she could learn to give you a good massage and you would do the same for her.  A worthy weekend project, finding the right book, right oil, making the time. 

[BluLotus]

5 hours ago, ilumairen said:

This is kinda where my own thoughts were leading - with one somewhat "major" difference. 

 

If she is feeling overwhelmed and frustrated it will be very difficult for her to experience arousal. Without experiencing arousal the vagina will not "tent" and it is likely pain will be felt almost immediately upon penetration, just as described. 

 

The fear something went wrong during the c-section may only be adding to the anxiety, and perpetuating the situation. Or it may be a convenient way to keep things "nice" without addressing the issues.. I don't know the people involved, or the situation well enough to say for sure whether either of these are possible or probable. 

 

Of course, I can't diagnose her condition from here, but my guess would be that it is probably a combination of physical injury from the operation, (which might heal within a year, as he mentioned), psychological issues, and perhaps postpartum depression, which could also squelch her desire. I can't really say what's going on, since I don't know the details of her condition. All we can do is offer opinions, based on the information provided.

Edited January 23, 2020 by BluLotus

[BluLotus]

5 hours ago, EFS White said:

Thanks a lot for your two cents. It doesn't at all sound harsh or scary.

 

That's good. I'm glad it didn't sound harsh.

 

5 hours ago, EFS White said:

I think the more I meditate on this, the more I reach a similar conclusion as to what your first paragraph stated: It is perfectly natural to be attracted to women, and the less sexual relations we have within our relationship, it seems only logical that I become more responsive to other women again.

 

I'm glad you are reaching this conclusion, for your own sake. I think that if you can restore enjoyable sexual intimacy with your wife, the sexual desire for other women will probably be much less intense.

 

5 hours ago, EFS White said:

We have gone to see two gynecologist so far, and neither of them was particularily helpful. It was more along the lines of, "yeah, we can tell you which pubic bone is causing the pain" - and other than that, "for most women this pain should go away within one year after birth, for some it never goes away". So not very encouraging.

 

Well, it sounds like they know what's wrong and what is causing the pain, etc. That is actually a good thing. So, it's clear that she has pain, and they know what is causing it. They also said most women heal within a year, so that sounds at least somewhat positive.

 

5 hours ago, EFS White said:

It seems waiting for this pain to subside and waiting for her hormones to recover will be our preferred options here, for as you say "sex is not pleasurable when it's painful", and - I might add - if she just doesn't feel like it.

 

Has she not 'felt like it' often in the past, or is it just recently? Waiting it out may be your best option, but don't wait and suffer in silence. Keep the channels of intimacy open with affection (no strings attached) and some of the good suggestions here, such as massage, (if she likes massage). Think about what gives your wife pleasure and try some of the things she likes. Also, try not to put any pressure on her. Nothing turns a woman off more than a man who keeps asking for sex when she doesn't want it, lol! (Of course, you can ask her if a LONG time goes by without any sex.) The best way to woo a woman is to just do the things she likes without any strings attached, and she has to get the sense that there is no agenda behind what you're doing. Do it just to make her happy because you love her. (I am giving you all this advice as a woman. )

 

I wish you both good luck on your journey.

Edited January 23, 2020 by BluLotus