My first post

[helpfuldemon]

The world is so much of what it is.  And what is it? If you don't pay attention to it, it is nothing but what you create.

 

Should we pay attention?  What power do we have over things that other people do?  What power do we have to affect what our governors do, the price that people set for items, the wages that they propose?  I live in the underbelly; a coaster, a liver of life- but am I really living my best life?  

 

I have no responsibilities.  I am not  a parent, or a tax payer, or a laborer.  I have only ever been a servant.  In my free time I used to create, but not any more.  My life was on course to be unique, which I may be- but then, so is anyone.  I thought that I would be inventive, but it was cut short by the supernatural.  What did it give me?  Suffering, and it opened my eyes to what is around me, but... what is REALLY around me?  Quiet neighbors working their jobs and raising families or minding their own business.  

 

Art is available, but is it life?  Does it really imitate life, or does life have it's own plot?  The news programs make us think that so much is happening, and perhaps it is, but is it your life?  What do you do when you don't participate in the culture that is shown on television?  Are we simply chasing someone else's dreams?  

 

I am a demon; we all are.  The part of us that is demon is the mind.  The part of us that is human is the flesh.  We are sensual creatures that know what we enjoy.  We employ our bodies in the act of securing our comforts and needs, but it is our minds that explain what we do, and it is our minds that plan and prepare us for new events and activities.  

 

What is our mind?  Is it telling me "I want"?  Is it telling me "I must do"?  Is it seeing the patterns of life?  Is it preparing us for our future choices?  When one is not in charge of anything, and one is not part of anything, our minds are our playground.

 

I wish I had become someone in life.  I never thought that I could, never knew how to do it.  I am a poor boy, with little education.  I matter to few, and what I do matters even less.  My opinion is not important, and neither am I.  I have learned that the true life is not in the realm of ideals, it is a matter of compromises and questions that provoke new alternatives to handle the ever expanding, vast process we call civilization.  

 

I wonder... what should matter to me?  Should I try to alleviate suffering?  Should I try to educate or entertain?  In today's world it is almost impossible to do these things without joining some establishment, and I have no credentials, and my talents are unrefined.  Does anything I do even matter?  You might be thinking, "It matters to you", but it really doesn't; nothing matters to me.  I am a broken thing, my youth and sharpness has been wasted pursuing some phantom quest that proved to be a false lead on a fortune that I did not find.  I am a wasted body, filled with decay from my excesses.  My reach goes no further than the toilet in my bathroom.

 

And what should I do, now that I "know"?  Now that I finally understand life and it's terms?  Everywhere I look there is an opinion, or a story, or a song about life and it's trials and choices.  What good is my voice, when I have no refined talent to reveal and inform?  I am just another opinion, in a sea of opinions and compromises, and stories about right and wrong.

 

I spend my days sitting silently.  I sleep often, and I find little joy in anything to distract me from this path.  I have stopped reading, because reading is an endless task that will never be satisfied.  I find that I do not need information, and I wonder why so many people do?  Is the truth not simple enough to understand?  Or are we on a constant quest to renew or distract us from it?  I have no excuses, I have lived my life.  It was not spent selfishly, but it was spent wastefully, and I thought I enjoyed what I pursued, but so much of it has been a suffering condition put upon me.  

 

I am out of faith.  I do not have to hope.  The world is what it is, and it turns as Nature intends, and as human beings decide.  It exists without my influence, and it is indifferent to my condition.  If I gave up my ideals I could pursue the laughing path of madness that I see, and contribute to the story line of good and evil, but to me it is so much chaos.  I have no need for money, nothing I buy satisfies me.  I am a hideous thing now and will draw no lover, even with wealth.  And even should a lover come, I find no pleasure in intimacy of the body or the mind, for there is no one in this world that I have met that can satisfy my expectations of who a person should be.  I am not of the talented class, and so I will never know anyone that is intriguing, exciting and concerned.  Perhaps if I found success I could enter those worlds, but as I said, to me it is all chaos and stories that we keep repeating; there is no new lesson, just new ways to reveal it, and I am done being creative.  

 

Perhaps my sharing this moment with you will rebirth me.  I see possibility as I write about my despondency.  

[Welcomer]

Welcome to the Tao Bums.  A wonderful forum to learn, discuss and cultivate.  Below are 3 important sections: Our Rules, The Insult Policy and our 3 Foundations.  Before you join give them a read. 

 

Most of it boils down to being respectful.  No name calling or trolling.  Post as if your mom's looking over your shoulder.  Discussion and arguments are what the board is about.  Keep it civil, don't get personal.  Don't be a troll or one issue zealot. 

 

We're here for good conversation and make some friend along the way, to be a community.  Jump right in, start threads asking questions, look for interesting threads and post your (relevant) thoughts. 

 

For the first week you will be restricted to ten posts per day but after that you can post as much as you like. Also, until you’ve posted fifteen times in the forums, you’ll be a “Junior Bum” with somewhat restricted access and will be allowed only two private messages per day.

 

Good luck in your pursuits and best wishes to you,

 

Michael and the TDB team

 

Read and review Our Rules:

 

 

Our Insult Policy- Read it, Live it

 

TheDaoBums' Three Foundations: Eclectic, Egalitarian, Civil.

 

 

Welcome, I think I get a little of what you mean.  Often it feels like I spend my life wasting my time. 

 

I try to shrug it off.  Get up early, find the one important thing.  Get it done.  then.. something else.  When we can't find Our Meaning we turn to a list of actions..

[ilumairen]

On 5/1/2020 at 1:39 AM, helpfuldemon said:

The world is so much of what it is.  And what is it? If you don't pay attention to it, it is nothing but what you create.

 

Should we pay attention?  What power do we have over things that other people do?  What power do we have to affect what our governors do, the price that people set for items, the wages that they propose?  I live in the underbelly; a coaster, a liver of life- but am I really living my best life?  

 

I have no responsibilities.  I am not  a parent, or a tax payer, or a laborer.  I have only ever been a servant.  In my free time I used to create, but not any more.  My life was on course to be unique, which I may be- but then, so is anyone.  I thought that I would be inventive, but it was cut short by the supernatural.  What did it give me?  Suffering, and it opened my eyes to what is around me, but... what is REALLY around me?  Quiet neighbors working their jobs and raising families or minding their own business.  

 

Art is available, but is it life?  Does it really imitate life, or does life have it's own plot?  The news programs make us think that so much is happening, and perhaps it is, but is it your life?  What do you do when you don't participate in the culture that is shown on television?  Are we simply chasing someone else's dreams?  

 

I am a demon; we all are.  The part of us that is demon is the mind.  The part of us that is human is the flesh.  We are sensual creatures that know what we enjoy.  We employ our bodies in the act of securing our comforts and needs, but it is our minds that explain what we do, and it is our minds that plan and prepare us for new events and activities.  

 

What is our mind?  Is it telling me "I want"?  Is it telling me "I must do"?  Is it seeing the patterns of life?  Is it preparing us for our future choices?  When one is not in charge of anything, and one is not part of anything, our minds are our playground.

 

I wish I had become someone in life.  I never thought that I could, never knew how to do it.  I am a poor boy, with little education.  I matter to few, and what I do matters even less.  My opinion is not important, and neither am I.  I have learned that the true life is not in the realm of ideals, it is a matter of compromises and questions that provoke new alternatives to handle the ever expanding, vast process we call civilization.  

 

I wonder... what should matter to me?  Should I try to alleviate suffering?  Should I try to educate or entertain?  In today's world it is almost impossible to do these things without joining some establishment, and I have no credentials, and my talents are unrefined.  Does anything I do even matter?  You might be thinking, "It matters to you", but it really doesn't; nothing matters to me.  I am a broken thing, my youth and sharpness has been wasted pursuing some phantom quest that proved to be a false lead on a fortune that I did not find.  I am a wasted body, filled with decay from my excesses.  My reach goes no further than the toilet in my bathroom.

 

And what should I do, now that I "know"?  Now that I finally understand life and it's terms?  Everywhere I look there is an opinion, or a story, or a song about life and it's trials and choices.  What good is my voice, when I have no refined talent to reveal and inform?  I am just another opinion, in a sea of opinions and compromises, and stories about right and wrong.

 

I spend my days sitting silently.  I sleep often, and I find little joy in anything to distract me from this path.  I have stopped reading, because reading is an endless task that will never be satisfied.  I find that I do not need information, and I wonder why so many people do?  Is the truth not simple enough to understand?  Or are we on a constant quest to renew or distract us from it?  I have no excuses, I have lived my life.  It was not spent selfishly, but it was spent wastefully, and I thought I enjoyed what I pursued, but so much of it has been a suffering condition put upon me.  

 

I am out of faith.  I do not have to hope.  The world is what it is, and it turns as Nature intends, and as human beings decide.  It exists without my influence, and it is indifferent to my condition.  If I gave up my ideals I could pursue the laughing path of madness that I see, and contribute to the story line of good and evil, but to me it is so much chaos.  I have no need for money, nothing I buy satisfies me.  I am a hideous thing now and will draw no lover, even with wealth.  And even should a lover come, I find no pleasure in intimacy of the body or the mind, for there is no one in this world that I have met that can satisfy my expectations of who a person should be.  I am not of the talented class, and so I will never know anyone that is intriguing, exciting and concerned.  Perhaps if I found success I could enter those worlds, but as I said, to me it is all chaos and stories that we keep repeating; there is no new lesson, just new ways to reveal it, and I am done being creative.  

 

Perhaps my sharing this moment with you will rebirth me.  I see possibility as I write about my despondency.  

 

What eloquent nihilism. You do have a gift with flowing words - even if they express what comes across to me as a very deep melancholy.

 

Do you write for yourself, such as journaling?

[silent thunder]

Wow helpfuldemon.

 

That was one potent sharing.  It struck a chord of resonation in me.  Sympathetic vibration.

 

I share much empathy with your described process and state.  Sounds like you're in the place of 'No Mountain'. 

 

One of the aspects of awakening that I did not expect, was the loss of connection.  All former pursuits that used to bring relief, or loss of time, increase of knowledge.  All former drives, have been reduced to gossamer, vaporous processes that can still be engaged in... i can play the game.  But they are perceived as inherently illusory and thus, no longer possess gravity to engage me as they used to.

 

It's an aspect of the process some of my early teacher's realized and perhaps was one reason why they seemed so insistent to not teach me, send me on my way and caution me to 'be careful what i sought for... i may find it.'

 

 

 

Your sharing reminds me of Adyashanti's sharing about the nature of the path of waking.

 

"Most of us want to feel better, we don't actually want to see that we're misperceiving things.  But that's the core of spirituality.  And the only way to really wake up is to realize that the way you perceive yourself is not true."
Adyashanti

 

I don't want to feel better, I want to burn through illusion and assumption and awaken to my true nature.

This does not result in a life of ease and comfort... most often it involves deeply painful realizations about the nature of my own misperceivings and illusory projections.

 

"Enlightenment is a destructive process. It
has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier.
Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth.
It's seeing through the facade of pretence.
It's the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.”
 Adyashanti

 

Welcome to the Bums and thanks for such authentic and intimate sharing.

Edited May 25, 2020 by silent thunder
reworded for clarity

[helpfuldemon]

Thank you for reading my post.  I think we take for granted that people spend the time reading what we write and considering our thoughts.  I think too, that we take for granted what we know on forums like this, things that would be so revealing to the world.

 

I do not write for myself, though I should.  I imagine a trove of writings on my death, discovered or discarded, that might bring some truth into peoples lives, but lately the truth has been silence, and I am not sure who wants that.

 

I am not so despondent these days as when I wrote this, as the welcomer said, you find things to do and ignore some of these deeper issues.  I am learning to come to terms with the fact that we are like the ocean with the tide coming in and out, and the water ever present.  I just cant bring myself to contributing to what could potentially lead to illusion (making art).

[helpfuldemon]

Speaking of enlightenment, I see oodles of truth now.  The most important of which is that I now understand Law, though not in quite the detail that it can be understood, I have a grasp on what is right and wrong in our world.  

 

The biggest disappointment with becoming knowing is that I realize we all have the right to choose how we want to live.  This should be a good thing, no?  Well for me, it means that people can be indifferent or mean, or angry and abusive (though not truly abusive, but still ignorant in light of kindness), people are free to live and be who they like, and as far as order on that realm, there will be none.  I can imagine a perfect path through life but if it falls on deaf ears then it is nothing.  Surely all wisdom cultures feel this way.  When it comes to personal choice about how to live, there is no right or wrong.  The only right or wrong is when it comes to other peoples rights and property.  

 

[RiverSnake]

Chill bro. Welcome too TDB. 

[helpfuldemon]

Oh, how Ive mourned our condition.  Mourning our fragility, and our belief in immortality, that we are impervious to the dangers that we face.  Mourned that we cannot agree on order, mourned that we cannot live up to the word kindness.  Mourned that we allow our lives to pass us by without taking the actions to make it what we choose to be.

[helpfuldemon]

Ive come to find that at the end of contemplation lies the awareness of Nothingness. The mystic will find that there is no more Will or want, and that All is silent. But Nothingness is not life, and so the mystic must turn back towards life- which is desire and duty. What does the encounter with Nothingness bring? The mystic has three choices: Acquisition, chaos, and kindness. In Nothingness is no meaning, and in a meaningless world, one is free to have no Law- and so they could choose Chaos. But that is not so productive as the other two options, which are acquisition and kindness, for in life there is a need for meaning, and the meaning is found in duty and desire. Acquisition of the experiences of life and the material, and or kindness, which is the result of knowing that behind all of this is a form of chaos and suffering which can only be aided by kindness.

Edited July 3, 2020 by helpfuldemon

[helpfuldemon]

It seems ridiculous, what happened to me, to get me to think and become aware.  It was definitely of mythological importance, but really, it was meaningless, and unless I finish what I began, of no value to me.  I was a free spirit; a wanderer, and artist.  I lived for the now and I enjoyed a semi wild life of sex and love and art and friendship.  I never aimed higher than my next canvas, and figured that if the stars were in line, I might create something worth keeping around.  I was foolish, but it was my life, and I loved it.  Then the God approached me and I chose to listen, and I really can say that it was a glass half full.  Theres a lot of ideas out there about astral initiation and spirit guides, and a lot of ideas about superstitious things- things that I was forced to contemplate and seek, because the supernatural took hold of me and it was beyond belief.  In all of this I can say that there are creatures who will communicate, but not in a conversational way- you have to investigate their ideas, and they can be relentless.  Ive seen many insane, somewhat marvelous things in the spiritual world, and I cannot say I understand it all.  I want to say that what I endured has won  me something, but the only thing I won that I know of was more wisdom and knowledge, and for that I had to endure a living Hell.  I cant tell you how many times Ive been hospitalized, often not knowing where I am.  Ive faced death so much that for a time I was numb to it, and to life- no longer the free spirit, but bound to a Hell I didnt ask for.  I used to think I had depression when I was young, but I have had more sorrow in the last two decades that I went beyond depression, to anger, and then to submission, and now to peace.  I stare life down now, and realize that it is quiet- if you want it to be.  You pay attention to the news, and can get up in arms about whats going on but, is it doing anything?  At the end of the day all you do is vote in November.  Unless you are someone of position, and I am not, it makes little difference what these people do.  One thing that kept me alive through all of this was the thought that I would one day write something encouraging for the world- no longer a painter, I thought I would turn to the pen, but I see that this is a task that has been going on for millennium, and its as if there is a force in the world, lets call it youth and ignorance- that prevents us from mastering the things I would like to see happen.  More than that, some people simply cannot do what I hope should be done, out of exhaustion or poverty.  Somehow some of this manifests (no thanks to me, for now) and I am grateful, but when I look at people like Donald Trump, I lose heart in the heart of our people.  Ive come to realize that people will do what they do, and that all I am able to do is contribute to the world of ideas and hope that they find mine, and that it is good.  Or, I can retire, and I deserve to, after all Ive been through.  I guess my point is that we are told that the Gods will assist us, and all I came across was madness, and opposition.  Better to just keep your head down, live your life and enjoy it.

[helpfuldemon]

Im in a strange place.  I have lost interest in nearly everything.  I spend my days sitting in silence.  I feel no desire, and it takes an act of Will to force myself to read, or to do things.  I feel like "If youve seen it once, youve seen them all" kind of attitude towards life.  Joy and sorrow, war and peace, desire and rejection, desire and injustice, desire and acquisition.  Happily ever after or tragedy, its all the same story.  I have been through so many phases in my life.  I once lived joyously, but now nothing brings me joy.  I once loved to be among people and making friends, now I find no need for that.  I still love people, but they dont give me what I desire- which is strong emotional connections and the ability to take me seriously, and to laugh at the same time.  

 

I dont want to say I am depressed, because I think that a lot of people live in this sort of mundane reality.  Compared to my previous incarnations, I am depressed, but it is not a sadness any more.  There is no weight of worry now, but there is a weight that keeps me low.  Im finding that I have to shed my old selves and embrace this new one, that doesnt need to interact with anyone.  I think I am going to resume my painting career, pay attention to making art.

[welkin]

24 minutes ago, helpfuldemon said:

Im in a strange place.  I have lost interest in nearly everything.  I spend my days sitting in silence.  I feel no desire, and it takes an act of Will to force myself to read, or to do things.

 

read what you want to read don't force yourself.

 

.SLIATED eht ees ot uoy swolla taht eltrut eht si ti roF .eltrut eht evresbo ,daetsnI .tibbar eht wollof t’noD .era sgnileef ruo tahw dnatsrenni od ew tub ,si eciohc tahw dnatsrednu ton od eW

 

.THGUOHT yna wollof ot hguone elbitpecsus era ohw esoht era ,eciohc a dah reven yeht GNIKNIHT otni sevlesmeht kcirt nac ohw esoht roF .thgirhtrib ruoy ni ton saw eciohc taht aedi eht rof llaf t'noD .esoohc ot ro wollof ot rehtehw si nevig era uoy eciohc tsrif eht esuaceB .niaga esoohc ot nrael ew wollofnu ot eciohc eht ekam ew nehW .nesohc evah uoy tahw ton si gniwollof roF .wollof ot gnisoohc potS

 

.eb ot sdeen ti erehw thgir si ecruos ehT .pu nwod ro ,nwod pu neve toN .tfel ot thgir ro ,thgir ot tfel ton si hcihW .ecruos eht ot kcab nruter yam eno taht os ,tey nees t'nevah ew tahw ees ot si noissim ruO .ees ot su tnaw srehto tahw ees ot t'nsi ereh noissim ruO

.ees ot uoy tnaw yeht tahw ees ot uoy tnaw ohw esoht yb dael gnieb naht rehtaR

.yretsym taht rof hcraes dluohs eno ,ees ot seye eht sah eno fI .syaw suoiretsym ni skrow doG semitemoS

Edited July 12, 2020 by welkin

[E. S. A.]

“A baby is born without an understanding of the meaning, or lack thereof, in the world, and yet it is born equipped with the desire to play in various games. The baby is quite happy being fully engaged in a game without feeling the need to question whether there is inherent meaning, or not, in the task. [You have stopped playing].

 

Perhaps [your] either taking life far too seriously, or are consumed by a search for the ultimate truth or belief system to explain the complexity of life in its entirety, whereas you may be better off taking a break from the bigger questions of life, and simply engaging in more playful activities. This is not to say that the bigger and deeper questions of life are unimportant, rather, a healthy and fulfilling life is better achieved through balance, and in this case balancing the serious and heavy subjects with a more lighthearted and playful approach to life”

 

Nihilism is a tough beast but I would argue in practice it’s very broken. It would seem that we have an innate biological process for meaning. Whether we realize it or not. 
 

Cheers,

E. S. A. 

The Wanderer

[helpfuldemon]

26 minutes ago, E. S. A. said:

“A baby is born without an understanding of the meaning, or lack thereof, in the world, and yet it is born equipped with the desire to play in various games. The baby is quite happy being fully engaged in a game without feeling the need to question whether there is inherent meaning, or not, in the task. [You have stopped playing].

 

Perhaps [your] either taking life far too seriously, or are consumed by a search for the ultimate truth or belief system to explain the complexity of life in its entirety, whereas you may be better off taking a break from the bigger questions of life, and simply engaging in more playful activities. This is not to say that the bigger and deeper questions of life are unimportant, rather, a healthy and fulfilling life is better achieved through balance, and in this case balancing the serious and heavy subjects with a more lighthearted and playful approach to life”

 

Nihilism is a tough beast but I would argue in practice it’s very broken. It would seem that we have an innate biological process for meaning. Whether we realize it or not. 
 

Cheers,

E. S. A. 

The Wanderer

 

Thank you for your encouraging words.  My pursuit of meaning and my illness go hand in hand, and its a slow journey back to being playful.  It doesnt help that when I was manic about meaning I alienated my few friends, who basically told me to take a hike and I was left all alone, then the polar vortex that winter came in, and I was locked down in my apartment for a month.  During this time I fought to understand why I was in so much pain from being rejected, unfairly, I thought.  It made me confront what I wanted out of friendship, and I became enlightened to the fact that most things are based on joy and sorrow, and that we are caught in a cycle of emotion.  I also got very sick shortly after this, and after spending the last 20 years of my life struggling with this illness, and seeing my life fall to ruin, I realized that the only thing keeping me afloat was hope, and that it was time for hope to die.  It was a very dark time, I was suicidal but I still didnt give up on my pursuit towards understanding.  Im left feeling somewhat cold, though I wish love for everyone, for me, love has died.  I want to consume and destroy, but nothing I consume satisfies me and I see the foolishness in destruction.  There is no longer a dark place for me to retreat to, and no place of light to inspire.  I am standing (spiritually, mentally) in one place, but it is not static, because I am still roaming a bit, roaming to understand and teach myself.  Ive realized a great many truths in this process, and I am comfortable with what I understand about Law and Nature.  I also believe in a general goodness in people, though I think truly good is a rarity.  I see that the world of experience is larger than we can ingest, and most people are travelling on their journey, some lost, some in a good place- and that we shouldnt expect to set them on a course, but that doesnt stop people from plotting them.  I do not believe I can do better than the Wisdom that is already so available, perhaps adjust it to some degree, but that would only happen were I a better student, and my mind is exhausted now.  

 

My friend just purchased me 500 dollars in painting supplies, I am going to start playing again.  I miss the fearlessness of art.

[Daniel]

On 4/30/2020 at 10:39 PM, helpfuldemon said:

I am not of the talented class

{ ** record skips a beat ** }

 

What?  I'm reading your writing, and you say you're not talented?  You're at least a very talented writer.  At least, and probably very very

intelligent... 

 

Sorry for the mini-rant just now... 

On 4/30/2020 at 10:39 PM, helpfuldemon said:

I will never know anyone that is intriguing, exciting and concerned

 

Nawh.... come on now... you're on TDB, now.  Here, let me virtually show you around... 

 

Over here down this little Rabbit Hole is 'intriguing'.  I suggest the music thread.  What folks listen to round here is 'intriguing'.  The very definition of intriguing.

 

Over here, down this little hallway is the exciting world of the occult.  I don't go over there.  Too exciting for me.

 

As for concerned.  My friend, that's where you are right now, the Welcome room, full of concerned DaoBums.  Welcome aboard, we've been expecting you... ( sort of ).  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 13, 2020 by Daniel

[Daniel]

13 hours ago, helpfuldemon said:

I dont want to say I am depressed,

Right.

 

You're having existential dread/despair?

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existentialism#Angst_and_dread

 

Among other things?  

 

Edited July 13, 2020 by Daniel

[Daniel]

On 7/10/2020 at 9:22 AM, helpfuldemon said:

Then the God approached me and I chose to listen, and I really can say that it was a glass half full. 

OK.  you have my attention.  I know this "other" God.

 

How were you approached?  

Edited July 13, 2020 by Daniel

[Daniel]

@helpfuldemon, OK, I've read your story.  I am saying this with complete sobriety, I understand.

 

If you want my take on the situation, I'd be happy to try to help.  Pro bono.  Just free friendly advice from someone you don't know on the internet.

 

Open ended offer.

[helpfuldemon]

Its strange.  Ive been through the existential despair, Ive been through the mistakes of my life and regret, Ive been through mourning the loss of my health, youth and wealth, Ive despaired about our environment and its flaws/vulnerabilities, Ive despaired that we are not as actively kind as we could be, Ive despaired that people ignore one another and ignore the opportunities to develop a great life,  Ive despaired that we cannot know what comes after death, Ive despaired that we essentially cannot know God, Ive despaired that we will not all do what is wise.  Ive had my share of depression, not to mention, pain- and I am not in these states now, but I do not feel joy either.  I dont feel pleasure either.  When I lost hope, something in my heart broke, and the ability to rise up in enthusiasm or feel joy also died.  My heart is silent and my thoughts now are silent as well, but my intention is and has been for a long time, benevolent.  Im tired, and Im retiring.  Ive spent a long time thinking and learning and speaking, and Ive concluded that people will live and learn and do things that are unwise but in their eyes necessary.  Im at peace with this process of life.  I dont have Wisdom to advise, I know the wildness of youth and I know the wild youth will do what they feel they must.  I know, too, the power of greed and indifference, and I know that people with cold hearts will withdraw from acts of chesed.  There is plenty of Wisdom in this world, and though I find small places of disagreement with the systems I have examined, for the most part, they are good.  I dont have the strength to do better, and Im tired of pointing out improbably fallacies to people that are convinced in the words of their prophet.  Im also not going to fight them over obeying their prophet either.  I am willing to let people do what they want and pursue what they believe, and feel is right- even if that isnt "correct".  My suffering for the world has come to an end, and now I am going to start making art again, and rest.  I will probably not know romantic love again, and finding friends is difficult, but I am safe and I have my other needs met.  It does sadden me that my innocence, my exuberance, my youth and my strength are gone, but this was bound to happen as I age anyway.  Im just grateful I am not being tormented with hallucinations and pain anymore, and I thank God every night.

[Daniel]

If it's not existential despair, it could be emotional let down.  Also you do sound ( as others have pointed out ) like you are in a Nihilistic phase.  Perhaps this *is* as good as it gets for you, I don't know.

 

There is a warm, cuddling, welcoming, optimistic version of Nihilism, but I don't think it will help.

 

The other more mundane explanation of your condition  comes from the definition of Megalomania.  It fits, only if you previously wanted to use the occult to become like G-d, like in the story with Adam and Eve.  But then after years of work and devotion, instead of becoming a like G-d, you ended up as a Demon instead.  The emotional let-down from this is very similar to the emotional let-down someone experiences when they become disillusioned and realize that they ( the Megalomaniac ) are really as Mega has they thought.

 

However, I see that you PM'd me, so we can continue this conversation behind the scenes.

[helpfuldemon]

I went looking for truth.  I learned that much of mankinds methods and spirit are subjective, and that there is no prophet that can put it all into one categorical answer.  We can map it out, we can logically declare the most sensible things, we can point out what is necessary and true from a survival/communal aspect, but we cannot declare that everyone do it, or is able to do it, or can even understand it.  This comes partly from wealth and education disparity, and also because of the challenges of your environment.  Desire has a lot to do with it too- as we are free to want what we want, and we dont always get what we want, because people can say no.  Free Will is a problem for Utopia.  

 

In this quest for truth I taught myself about math and physics and philosophy.  I gleaned the vision of reincarnation and karma, and other religious/spiritual concepts- all of which remains to be proven, but makes sense in an optimistic way.  The ultimate truth may simply be that we are creatures that can manage to build greater things from our environment that will protect us, and that our environment is difficult, and that we simply live and die.  I think the concept of Heaven came from the concept of God- that there is something greater out there, in a better place, and that maybe one day we can go there.  When you realize the scope of the Universe you have to admit that the power to create something so grand and vast might not even bother with saving this little speck of life named Man.  Its a nice idea, since we are so much more able than any other animal, that we have a privileged position in the Universe, but, once again, this remains to be proven.  

 

From personal experience I know there is more to the Universe in regards to higher life than we see.  I do not know what life is like for them, and I do not know what they want or do to and for us.  I think this is the only logical, sane way to observe these things, but of course, people love faith and the hope that is promised by the prophets.  Embracing our mortality takes a strong Will.  

Edited July 14, 2020 by helpfuldemon

[helpfuldemon]

...and so I retire from contemplation.  I never made it to perfect Wisdom, if there is such a thing.  I cannot straw man my way into new words any more, I have no realm of expertise from which to draw ideas.  I wish that this curse had not befallen me, as it proved to be pretty naive of me to ignore what already exists in the ways of information.  I sacrificed my youth, health and wealth to become what I am today, and it wasnt worth the price- there is nothing wrong with living in ignorance of our natural world, or our social world.  Those that can, do.  I wasnt ever going to make a difference.

[Daniel]

Good Morning @helpfuldemon,

 

Here are my comments:

 

2 hours ago, helpfuldemon said:

...and so I retire from contemplation.  I never made it to perfect Wisdom, if there is such a thing. 

 

Maybe it's better to just "take a break" and not retire for ever.  Also, perfect Wisdom is an impossible goal for a mortal.  There is always more to learn and explore but inside ourselves as human animals or inside ourselves as divine sparks of life.  ( or both ).

2 hours ago, helpfuldemon said:

I cannot straw man my way into new words any more, I have no realm of expertise from which to draw ideas.

I would not label it "straw-man".  And your realm of expertise is in your Self.  You carry it with you wherever you go.  Most people call it "intuition", and most people gain it as they grow older, in their 60s and 70s.  Give it another 15 years and then, ( G-d willing ) we can meet up back here on TDB and talk about your expertise and ideas and the realms which you have explored.

 

2 hours ago, helpfuldemon said:

I wish that this curse had not befallen me, as it proved to be pretty naive of me to ignore what already exists in the ways of information.

Via Private Message, you declined assistance from me, but this statement ^^ sounds like you are still asking for help.  Do you want rid of the curse, or not?

 

My approach would be to strengthen and reinforce your humanity, leaving leas and less room for the curse to be an active force in your life.  Eventually, the curse will live with you in a tiny little bassinet of your own design.  This bassinet will exist deep in the recesses of your heart.  Depending on your motivations and inherent talent, you may be able to banish the curse altogether, or perhaps it will simply remain sleeping, happy and content.  Either way, the end goal is not to destroy the curse, only to put it in its proper place and keep it happy so that it does not further negatively interfere with your mortal life.

2 hours ago, helpfuldemon said:

I sacrificed my youth, health and wealth to become what I am today, and it wasnt worth the price- there is nothing wrong with living in ignorance of our natural world, or our social world.  Those that can, do.  I wasnt ever going to make a difference.

I respectfully disagree.

 

You sacrificed in the past, you can turn away from the curse and regain a lot of that.  

 

My friend, there is nothing wrong with seeking knowledge, your intentions sound pure.  You simply climbed up the wrong branch of the tree of knowledge.  Just climb right back down, and start over.  But please understand, it wasn't a waste.  Your knowledge of this other branch can help tremendously in self realization, enlightenment, spiritual healing, etc... It's a faculty, a tool that you will be able to use.  And BTW, once you get this figured out, you will be in a somewhat exclusive club.  Not many people get the opportunity to turn it all around like you do.  You should consider yourself lucky to have figured out that you are aon the wrong track while you are still young and not in your 70s.

 

If you want to start this process,  you need to reclaim your own humanity, stop referring to yourself as cursed or as a Demon.  You are not an empty vessel regardless of what any Other Gods or inner voices might be telling you.  You are Human.  That means you have Human potential until your final moment and your final breath.

 

Ditch the idea of making a difference for others, and focus on making a difference for your Self.

[helpfuldemon]

Thank you Daniel, I have been doing what you are suggesting on my own initiative, except for the stop thinking of making a difference for others.  The curse has been in recess for a little while now, though not entirely; my mind is still being adjusted by the demon, and I often fall into depression- at least there are no more hallucinations.

 

What concerns me now are my dreams.  I dream I am being hazed or initiated, into a group that is violent.  I dream of weapons, myself using them too, to prove myself.  I dream a lot of strange things, strange landscapes, and none of them comforting to the heart.  

[Daniel]

10 hours ago, helpfuldemon said:

Thank you Daniel, I have been doing what you are suggesting on my own initiative, except for the stop thinking of making a difference for others.  The curse has been in recess for a little while now, though not entirely; my mind is still being adjusted by the demon, and I often fall into depression- at least there are no more hallucinations.

 

What concerns me now are my dreams.  I dream I am being hazed or initiated, into a group that is violent.  I dream of weapons, myself using them too, to prove myself.  I dream a lot of strange things, strange landscapes, and none of them comforting to the heart.  

It's good to dream this way.

The amygdala releases negative unhealthy and incoherent thoughts during deep sleep. ( link )

 

It's also good to stop trying to help others.

From a karmic perspective, helping others removes their opportunity to redeem themselves.  It's a double whammy, so to speak. It harms both them and you even though the intention is good.

 

The best anyone can do, imo, is heal themselves and then help others to heal themselves.  But trying to heal someone else, not oneself is like walking a tight-rope...  That is the middle path, the grey path.   I'm proposing the Right Hand Path.  Heal ourselves.  Help others to heal themselves.  Teach them to fish... so to speak.  But never to do the fishing for them. 

 

Does that make sense?

 

It is a way of surrendering the fate of others while also not surrendering the fate of others.  It's a loophole in the karmic system which can be exploited virtuously.  Perhaps it, the loophole,  could be named ..."doing good and turning away from evil without interference in The Eternal Dao"?

 

Edited July 16, 2020 by Daniel