I share my feelings.. and ron worries me...

[...]

I had some people take me out last weekend, but nobody invited me out this weekened. They went to the club, had a little get together with lots of beer, put it in my face, and didnt invite me. Its bad becuase I want to get some german pootannanie, there is nothing to do if you dont have a car, and they didnt invite me. that hurt my feelings..... oh how I hate it when I feel any sort of bad emotion.... anyways i dealt with it and I am going to be lonely until I pass the german drivers test and purchase a car. (I think I'll get a nice once, a bmw )

but really this is a good thing, becuase I have plenty of time to meditate, a little motivation, and no excuse so..... after this I meditate....uh I hope...uheuheerrrrrrrrrrr....

 

well shit I just got invited to a party. so much for meditating........uh........I dont deserve immortality any time soon heh heh ehh... time will come...uhhh..

 

 

well also has anyone seen ron jermeny out of his 'ron jeremy' character? has he ever really typed anything normal sounding? whats with the all caps? do you think he has conditioned himself to, and limited himself to, this character? do you think he talks and thinks like that in real life? It's kind of funny, especially, especially becuase I dont doubt that he is somewhat spiritually talented. do you think he would go as far as to use a different screen name if he ever desired to post anything out of character? like show his feelings or something?

 

hahhaha ron you're a funny guy, I dont think my forum experience would be as nice without you. as much of a fucking nerd that I am, that this forum means so much to me, I am such a mangina. ......

 

ok well I am going to put on a wifebeater, (to show of my tattoo's, of course) and go get drunk off this chicks beer. everybody pray I dont end up fucking the ugly chick I work with hahahahhaha. ha... seriously pray I dont hahhaah.. I almost did once, the first time we went out and i got drunk... erhhhh........)

[RON JEREMY]

YO TRIPPLEDOTTIE WASSUP DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

MAN I CANT BELLEIVE YA JOINED DA MILLI-TTARY, SHAME ON YA, YA SHOULD'VE JOINNED DA MONTANA MILLITIA INSTEAD!!! HOPE YA DONT GET SHIPED TO IRRAQ OR WORSE MY MAN!!!

 

 

LOOK IN GERMANY YA SHOULD MAKE A POINT O PRACTICIN RETTENTION OTTHERWISE DA GERMAN WOMEN WILL DRY YA UP, SHOW EM DA MASTER CHIA'S SCHOOL MAN!! DRINK LESS BEER N SMOKE MORE POT, IT BE HEALTHIER FOR YA.

 

KEEP IN TOUCH BUDDY!!!

 

FRATER RONNIETSU

[...]

actually I'm not going to iraq... at least not for a couple of years...

 

 

SO I guess you have a crush on me now? Im sorry brother my shagg'n is for the ladies only, ok?

 

you know did I mention my roommate is gay? haha is that funny... I am on his computer right now, there are actually gay-porn sites on the favorites... he could get kicked out of the army if I brought this to somebody.

 

you know maybe all my yin is rubbing off on you ronnie, so if you want a good gay porn site I can post the links, brother... but I suggest you stick with the ladies you know? the whole dual cultivation thing, I dont know if it works with other men, eh?

[Yoda]

Here's the gameplan: while you are grounded put all your eggs into mastering sexual practices including the dreaded finger lock...

 

Then when you get your beemer in a few months, you can go fascist on them!

 

You'll return to America a Nietzschian Uberman!

 

-Yoda

[RON JEREMY]

actually I'm not going to iraq... at least not for a couple of years...

SO I guess you have a crush on me now? Im sorry brother my shagg'n is for the ladies only, ok? 

 

you know did I mention my roommate is gay? haha is that funny... I am on his computer right now, there are actually gay-porn sites on the favorites...  he could get kicked out of the army if I brought this to somebody.

 

you know maybe all my yin is rubbing off on you ronnie, so if you want a good gay porn site I can post the links, brother... but I suggest you stick with the ladies you know? the whole dual cultivation thing, I dont know if it works with other men, eh? 

3590[/snapback]

 

NO NO. NO LOOK YA MESTAKKE ME FOR SHIEKKY DA DRAG QUEEN OR EITTHER SHIEKKY OR I'D SAY, SPYRROLLEX DA DONKEY RAPPIST, YEA IT MUST BE SPYRROLES DA MULE SHAGER, YEA YA MESTOOK ME FOR HIM MAN.

 

LOOK I DID A PSYCCHOLOGICAL PROFFILE O YER PER-SOONNALLITY WHEN YA WHERE STIL IN HI-SCHOOL N S YA KNOW I HOLD A DEGGREE IN REICHIAN PSYCCHOLIGY, N MINE RESSULTS BE, THAT YA BE GAY AT HEART. SO AS SOON AS I CALL YA BRO INSTEAD O RECCIPROCATTIN DA FRIENDSHIP DA FIRST THANG THAT CROS YER FAGGY MIND BE TO MAKE HOMO REFFERENCES, WHICH ALL BUT CUM-FIRM MY SLICK DIAG-NOSSIS O YER FAGGINESS. LOOK REPPENT YE CUZ DA KINGDOM O HEAVVEN BE AT HAND, FORSAKE DA FAGGINESS N BECCOME A STRAIGHT MAN!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

RONNIETSU MAHALINGAM RINPOCHE AL-SALAMI KONG YU MING TSUTSU

[...]

gettin all sensitive and stuff..... didnt mean to hurt your feelings there man...

[Lozen]

HEY RON JEREMY IS COOL, MAN, HE BROUGHT ME ALL THAT DREAM BEER.

[...]

hmmm. ok. so I was on the shitter.. and one thing kind of came up. probably this is .. my biggest issue.. I dont feel like it is an issue... I dont think it bothers me... but I have to accept the fact that it can be seen as depressing, and I might be repressing things. or maybe I'm not. but.....

 

growing up was really hard for me. I was the kid everybody picked on. I was humiliated all the time... It was hell for so long... it was like this from first or second grade up to.. well.. until I guess I sort of withdrew from from people. I became a loner. I have only had one best friend... back in 2-3rd grade... in fact I think he was my only friend, friend. everybody..... I never advance a relationship past the friendly acquiantance mark. I dont want to, and even if I did I dont think I could. (probably becuase I just dont want to).... my few relationships with women, or girls rather, have been terrible. I cant really talk to women I am attracted to. well anyways I developed into a hardcore loner... and I have been ever since, I guess... you will never find another person more aloof than me, I promise you.... highschool was better once I hit my senior year. my senior year was great, actually... I was a loner, and had no friends whatsoever.. but people liked me... people thought I was goodlooking, and cool... and I was pretty muscular looking.... but still, I havent had any real relationship.

 

but this isnt all... I dont love my parents. when I was younger they were ashamed of me. I dont think they really started to 'love' me.... until I joined the army.. my dad especially. I dont love them, and until recently I dont think they really loved me, if they even really do now. I resent the fact that their love isnt.... unconditional. unconditional.

I really liked my mothers side of the family. I thought I loved my moms parents... but since I joined the army... they have changed in attitude... I feel like they used to love me and they dont, now anymore. this hurts... but not nearly as much as I think it should. in fact if I start to get emotional, I feel like I am working it all up in my head, that it is not really there. I feel a heaviness in my chest..... am I repressing it? also my uncle and aunt.. I am so fond of.... I tried to keep in touch... to really get involved with family life.... and I felt rejected. this hurt to... but again not as much as I think it should....

so what I have done is turned my back on them all... stopped trying.. this is my typical respone when I feel rejected. I reject back. ...... is this healthy....

 

so.. in conclusion.. I guess I am so alone. I have felt rejected by the few people I have met here in germany, and though perhaps if I tried I could actually be good friends with them all. but I decided to reject back. It is easier to reject, and I dont think I would enjoy any sort of friendship with these people anyways.

but this doesnt mean you know, that I'm not lonely, you know?

loneliness has been pretty much all I have known almost my entire life.. and it doesnt really bother me. I have known people who were mildly lonely.. they way they responded it was so pathetic... reaching so desperately for human contact. for attention. what would they do if they were put in my shoes? this boy who has never really been loved by anyone? I pride myself... in fact... that I dont need people. I really am a hardcore loner... I dont love anyone and I am not loved by anyone. no one has ever really 'understood' me. not like I want or need to be understood... but.... no one has really 'known' me.

 

but I do have strength... I have a faith in myself.. I know about 'god'... I know I have the TRUE opportunity to become enlightened, even immortal. ...... that I have uncovered this.. 'secret' .... it is no secret... but it is like I am part of a new.. renessiance... (is that how you fucking spell that shit....anyways) ... maybe my weakness.... what might be killing me the most... is that I have not dedicated my whole life to it yet. I make excuses.. I joined the army... I am in bootcamp it's too hard... I am in medic school it is too hard to cultivate.... my time will come in the future when I financially comfortable. .... and my time will come when I am financially comfortable.... but there is no reason why my time cant come now. I would be lying if I said .... I dont have several hours everyday, now I am in germany, to meditate. all I have are excuses. lazyness. I need to find a way to motivate myself... I have been motivated before... I have done the whole 6 hour a day thing before. I have spent days in bliss becuase I practice in almost every wakeing moment. but not anymore. ... and I dont deserve anything until I devote myself entirely.

It is alot becuase of this that I am lonely. that I WANT and even NEED to be lonely.. I dont fit in with other people. yeah sometimes I am open and talk about the shit I know... and people think I am fucking retarded....

this shit is my passion... my obsession.... it has been for years , now.. since I was 16? that was when I first got into taoism... via philosophy..... and my obsession means more to me than anything.... I joined the army for my obsession. the FUCKING ARMY jesus christ. (not to say I am not proud of this decision, becuase I still think it is a damn damn good decision)....

 

 

maybe this is why I dont hurt. becuase my family... any would-be friends.... they mean almost nothing when it comes to my obsession.

 

 

jesus why dont I meditate more..... despite I am privvy to this knowledge... this potential.. why dont I take full advantage of it... I am so weak..... how do I motivate myself to meditate more?? That would make me happy, I think, more than anything... If I could motivate myself so deeply that I can devote myself so entirely to TAO, enlightenment, and immortality... that freedom!

 

how do I motivate my brain to to turn cmpletely unto god? ASCETICISM!! haha ha ha I will not practice asceticism but now I know why! hah ah aha ..... they destroy their bodies.. make living hell... and from the torment they bring themselves... it motivates them to break free from it. I guess I always knew this... but not on such a deep level....

[peter falk]

here's what the rest ofthe world doesn't want you to know: it's ok not to love your family, especially if they're real assholes. i knew this by the time i ws 12, but didnt really accept and embrace it until recently (see blog for clues).

 

it ahs to do mainly with my father and maternal grandparents. what you got was approval or disapproval, not love. so you might be right about them not loving you, just approving of your joining the army.

 

on the otehr hand, i have a great realationship with my mom and my father's side of the family (he's an anomoly). i also have a set of friends that are as close as family. so i think to keep from going crazy, you'll need to find a way to build that.

 

don't worry about being different or obsessed or anything like that, dude. greatness never comes from being normal.

[RedFox]

but this isnt all... I dont love my parents. when I was younger they were ashamed of me. I dont think they really started to 'love' me.... until I joined the army.. my dad especially. I dont love them, and until recently I dont think they really loved me, if they even really do now. I resent the fact that their love isnt.... unconditional. unconditional.

3737[/snapback]

 

I am uncertain whether it's appropriate to reply. Mostly because there aren't any words to bring you any closer to peace. Yet I truly admire your ability to feel and express these feelings, and I have faith that you will arrive at the solution soon.

 

I've had similar life events growing up isolated and experienced love as a very conditional thing (and I'd bet that just about everybody on this board has) Although they caused me a lot of anguish for a long time, I can see today that those experiences actually led me to a great deal of peace... to the understanding that I am responsible for allowing unconditional love to flow from within me, instead of expecting it to come from somewhere, or someone, out there. I might not have experienced that so clearly if my upbringing had taken some form that I had imagined as being 'perfect.' I see those times as a tremendous gift now, and I love and respect and am grateful to the players that acted upon my life stage to a degree I never would have thought possible. Perhaps the Tao will lead you to that experience, maybe you'll have another, who knows? Just trust that it'll be perfect for you, in its own perfect timing.

 

As for the guilt about whether you're practicing or not, when I'm not motivated to spend 4-6 hours a day cultivating, I take heart in the notion that I'm practicing the application what I've learned in meditation in the physical world. Also, we're meditating and cultivating to accelerate our growth and evolution. Sometimes, intense growth requires rest, so we can fully integrate the growth - like you're telling the universe "hold on, I can't quite take on anything new just now!"