Tryingtodobetter Posted October 3, 2020 What location can i go to that is of some semblance to hospice? I no longer see any worth in my own existence or any promise of potential. I dont wish to commit suicide at the moment as my last attempt ultimately failed and complicated matters further. I had an on and off semi-functional psychosis spanning the last several years. In the past couple months i have just begun to step outside of it and it feels as though my entire world was violently ripped from my being. People, places and things are now gone or at such a distance as to be intangible. The very way i thought and interfaced with the world vanished almost overnight. I have never felt this empty or alone in my entire life. I masturbated for the first time in about a year and feel slightly suicidal for doing so. I no longer have any aspirations or goals. I fear getting a job because the way my perception is now i wouldnt be able to hold onto employment for long. Meditation is a causative factor of what initially spurred on my psychotic episode spanning years. Yet i contemplate returning to it as a sort of self flagellation. I do not want to be alive anymore. I would like to retire early and permanently. I would like to retire now. I hold nothing against the world, i just no longer want to be here in any way. I have given up. I wish you well 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
liminal_luke Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) I wish you well too, Tryingtodobetter. I don´t have words or wisdom to help but I believe that somebody does and hope you find the help you need soon. Edited October 3, 2020 by liminal_luke Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nungali Posted October 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Tryingtodobetter said: What location can i go to that is of some semblance to hospice? I no longer see any worth in my own existence or any promise of potential. I dont wish to commit suicide at the moment as my last attempt ultimately failed and complicated matters further. I had an on and off semi-functional psychosis spanning the last several years. In the past couple months i have just begun to step outside of it and it feels as though my entire world was violently ripped from my being. People, places and things are now gone or at such a distance as to be intangible. The very way i thought and interfaced with the world vanished almost overnight. I have never felt this empty or alone in my entire life. I masturbated for the first time in about a year and feel slightly suicidal for doing so. I no longer have any aspirations or goals. I fear getting a job because the way my perception is now i wouldnt be able to hold onto employment for long. Meditation is a causative factor of what initially spurred on my psychotic episode spanning years. Yet i contemplate returning to it as a sort of self flagellation. I do not want to be alive anymore. I would like to retire early and permanently. I would like to retire now. I hold nothing against the world, i just no longer want to be here in any way. I have given up. I wish you well What about leaving 'this world' in a different way ? Obviously if suicide failed and caused more problems, that isnt the solution ... not your 'time yet' (believe me, I know about this ! I have had three very close calls with death , but inexplicably survived ( and one of those 'inexplicable survivals' was voiced by 2 unbelieving police officers ! ). There is more than one way to 'leave this world ' . I left the world I didnt want to be in many years ago . Here is another choice ; enter a monastery . Actually , a total despair and 'giving up' about the world might indeed be a prerequisite for such a path . Surely you could cook and help feed people or carry water or something / anything ? 3 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeform Posted October 3, 2020 @Tryingtodobetter Take the last of what inner energy you have left and dedicate it to people even less fortunate than you. No matter how bad things are, there are people worse off than you. Find some way to volunteer and help others. 3 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Master Logray Posted October 3, 2020 8 hours ago, Nungali said: What about leaving 'this world' in a different way ? It is an excellent advice to @Tryingtodobetter . Taoism can be a place of death - or out of this world. Advance Taoists can spend 12 hours a day or more meditating. They confine themselves in a dark room, unable move, cannot think, cannot feel, cannot remember, no emotion, suffer from body pain..... Isn't it like death? Even when they are not meditating, they eat tasteless food or extreme fasting, refrain from having any emotion, minimize all engagements and activities, reading extremely boring and cryptic Taoist books, no sex. Isn't half dead? It doesn't include those hide in a cave. Taoist inner alchemy is a place to have a taste of death. Death is not interesting and never solve any problem when one steps out of the room again. But unfortunately Taoism is not good at dealing with psychological or emotional problems. As Damo Mitchel says, Taoist treats all emotions as pathogens, even if they are good ones. My advice would be to try a Chinese doctor. Some of the psychological issues might have a root from imbalance in organs. Treating the organs might alleviate some of the conditions. In the meantime, do not meditate. Do something physical, simple and repetitive like cleaning, before looking for a monastery. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
thelerner Posted October 3, 2020 If I combined a couple of these answers, I'd get- go volunteer at a hospice. There's alot of depression out there now. Times are hard, people are sheltered, things seem bleak. But they'll get better. In the meantime, see what kind of professional help is out there. Someone you can talk to. 3 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
silent thunder Posted October 3, 2020 such honesty as you share here @Tryingtodobetter seems a rare pearl to encounter... connection is the closest my local awareness has come to a reason to maintain my local awareness. walk in peace you are what you are, regardless of perception, assumption, thinking or feeling. you cannot fail or do wrong what is, is what is and you are also this peace mate 1 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites