Relationship advice

[VELLY]

Hi community,

I have a short story to tell and one request that please don't judge me. I know that I can get very useful advice here because many of you have read great scriptures and some of the wisest people on internet can be found here.

 

I was in a relationship with a girl for last 8 months. She was from a conservative family and her mixing with boys was not liked. I was in relationship with her for last 8 months. Recently, I got to know she has been in a relationship with some other boy also for last 5 years. So she was cheating me and also the other guy. Her past is shady and has two or three relationships like this in the past.

 

When I got to know about the other boy I was so furious and wanted to take revenge in some way. But a wise lady suggested me to control my anger and wait for a few days. I did the same but somehow I could not stop thinking about revenge and finally told everything to her mother. She was beaten and scolded, though I insisted to her mother that please don't punish her and let her free. Tbh, I wanted an end to this story so I thought that may be her mother will marry her with that boy and I will make my mind understand that she is no more mine. But things happened the other way. Her mother called me in the evening and said to me if I will marry her daughter. I didn't say yes but I know she is never going to marry her daughter with that person and I am always a option for them because I am highly educated than her and also earning a lot more.

 

Now my question is I am totally blinded by the beauty of that girl. She has become like a priceless possession for me and I want her at all cost. Until I have that choice to marry her I can't stop thinking about her. May be I sound foolish but that's the true story. I sometimes think what if she stays with me for a short time (if cheats me) ,in any case relationships are not absolute in nature. Couples cheat each other so many times in life. Would I be wrong if I decide to marry her? because in any case she is not going to get married with her choice of boy. Moreover, I know her and love her too so please enlighten me on this situation. 

 

Thanks in advance.

[Apech]

4 hours ago, VELLY said:

Hi community,

I have a short story to tell and one request that please don't judge me. I know that I can get very useful advice here because many of you have read great scriptures and some of the wisest people on internet can be found here.

 

I was in a relationship with a girl for last 8 months. She was from a conservative family and her mixing with boys was not liked. I was in relationship with her for last 8 months. Recently, I got to know she has been in a relationship with some other boy also for last 5 years. So she was cheating me and also the other guy. Her past is shady and has two or three relationships like this in the past.

 

When I got to know about the other boy I was so furious and wanted to take revenge in some way. But a wise lady suggested me to control my anger and wait for a few days. I did the same but somehow I could not stop thinking about revenge and finally told everything to her mother. She was beaten and scolded, though I insisted to her mother that please don't punish her and let her free. Tbh, I wanted an end to this story so I thought that may be her mother will marry her with that boy and I will make my mind understand that she is no more mine. But things happened the other way. Her mother called me in the evening and said to me if I will marry her daughter. I didn't say yes but I know she is never going to marry her daughter with that person and I am always a option for them because I am highly educated than her and also earning a lot more.

 

Now my question is I am totally blinded by the beauty of that girl. She has become like a priceless possession for me and I want her at all cost. Until I have that choice to marry her I can't stop thinking about her. May be I sound foolish but that's the true story. I sometimes think what if she stays with me for a short time (if cheats me) ,in any case relationships are not absolute in nature. Couples cheat each other so many times in life. Would I be wrong if I decide to marry her? because in any case she is not going to get married with her choice of boy. Moreover, I know her and love her too so please enlighten me on this situation. 

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Hi Velly,

 

Thanks for telling us your story.  I find it difficult to answer without knowing what country/culture/religion you are from - also how old are you and how old is the girl?

 

If you don't want to supply details that's fair enough but it would be easier to comment if you feel you can.

 

Cheers.

 

A.

 

 

[RiverSnake]

You are simping pretty hard for this girl. My advice: don't do it.

 

Stay away from this situation at all costs. Put your dick in your pocket.....marriage is over-rated....you think once marriage happens it will solve your problems? Forming this kind of spiritual contract with another person whom is immature and not ready for a "life partner" may turn your life to a darker realm of Being. 

 

Welcome to TDB. 

[silent thunder]

Edited April 30, 2021 by silent thunder

[VELLY]

28 minutes ago, Apech said:

 

Hi Velly,

 

Thanks for telling us your story.  I find it difficult to answer without knowing what country/culture/religion you are from - also how old are you and how old is the girl?

 

If you don't want to supply details that's fair enough but it would be easier to comment if you feel you can.

 

Cheers.

 

A.

 

 

My age is 27(M) and she is 21(F). I am from India. We belong to different religions Hinduism(my) and Sikhism (her).

[Apech]

17 minutes ago, VELLY said:

My age is 27(M) and she is 21(F). I am from India. We belong to different religions Hinduism(my) and Sikhism (her).

 

 

Thanks,

 

My thoughts are that you say you are 'blinded by her beauty' and you want her as a possession ... for me this is not a good basis for marriage ... unless you like being a slave to passion and risking being cheated on again.  You are the mother's preference because you are educated and have a good job.  Well that's not about you as a person but you as a commodity.  Ok as a Westerner I don't understand your religion(s) or culture to know for sure.  But even in a traditional, conservative, formal culture you need to feel some kind admiration, respect for the other persons mind and character to consider marriage, if you want it to be successful in the long term and find real happiness.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Best wishes.

 

A.

 

 

[VELLY]

19 minutes ago, silent thunder said:

I would leave, decisively and not look back.

 

Follow your first instinct but let your revenge take the form of living a wonderful life far from the situation, this woman and the mother who is trying to force a marriage out of these unfortunate conditions.

 

I would not allow this woman's family cajole me into a lifelong commitment with a person who has already shown they are untrustworthy in relationships; folks prone to this behavior are unlikely to change.  If she's as beautiful as you suggest, and you are the choice due to education and money, someone else with more money and education will be attracted to her as well and she's already shown she wants to play the field.  One of my dearest friends woke one morning after 16 years with the woman he adored, to find she'd been cheating left and right the entire time.  He was devastated.  And in those 16 years he now laments lost time he could have been with someone who loved him the way he loved her.  He's been alone for 8 years now.

 

But it's your life, only you know your heart and your capacities.

 

I wish you peaceful recovery from the pain, that is a real heart smasher.

 

But if it were me, I'd take this as a good development, learning this about a person before a long term and legally binding commitment has been made and years of your life have passed with someone who's not really there for you.

 

 

 

I don't trust her at all but the desire to get her once has just become too strong. I may seem childish but I think that what if she leaves me, at least I would be with her for short time ( in short - a sexual relationship with her is I desire the most ). Actually I am an IELTS tutor and have myself applied for permanent residency in Canada which I may get this year. She is weak in English and they want to marry me with her because it can be the easiest method for her to migrate to Canada. I don't believe in permanency of relationships and think that it's like a deal I'm providing her an opportunity in favor of getting sexual pleasures. 

 

Obviously, I can't discuss such issues with my parents or anyone else so that is why I considered it as a platform to get advice from some mature and wise people.

[liminal_luke]

I´ll add my vote to the "don´t do it" column.  She´s obviously not ready for the long-term commitment that is marriage.  Then again -- is it OK if I say this? -- neither are you.  At least not where she is concerned.  Going into a marriage with the idea that the relationship will be short-term and for sex is not going to turn out well for anyone.  And on top of it all, the migration to Canada thing!  Nothing in the scenario you´ve written suggests a loving union.  

 

If you´re in a space of seeking mostly sexual pleasure (and hey, I´ve been there) you can do so without getting married.  I would be honest about what you´re looking for and call things what they are.  You realize you might sound childish and have said so.  That´s OK.  Go ahead and be childish but don´t get married.  Have sex instead if that´s what you want.  Or don´t.  But save marriage for when you´re ready for it and are in a relationship with someone who is ready for it.  Hope I don´t sound harsh.  Just my two cents.

[dwai]

23 minutes ago, VELLY said:

I don't trust her at all but the desire to get her once has just become too strong. I may seem childish but I think that what if she leaves me, at least I would be with her for short time ( in short - a sexual relationship with her is I desire the most ). Actually I am an IELTS tutor and have myself applied for permanent residency in Canada which I may get this year. She is weak in English and they want to marry me with her because it can be the easiest method for her to migrate to Canada. I don't believe in permanency of relationships and think that it's like a deal I'm providing her an opportunity in favor of getting sexual pleasures. 
 

That is very sad that you look at life in such a mercantile manner. Is that all a relationship is to you? An opportunity to have sex and procreate? 
 

Let me ask you, do you have a spiritual practice? What does your spiritual tradition have to say about this kind of mentality? 

Quote

 

Obviously, I can't discuss such issues with my parents or anyone else so that is why I considered it as a platform to get advice from some mature and wise people.

Imagine if people treated the important women in your life in the terms you just expressed - possessions, commodity, sex as a currency, and so on.
 

Does that seem unpleasant (to put it mildly)? Remember, what we put out into this universe, sooner or later will return back to us. The wise will put in compassion, love, goodness. 
 

It doesn’t matter what others do, we must keep our flame clean, and burning with love and kindness. Let go of this desire to possess or to seek revenge — I think @silent thunder said it best — your best revenge will be to learn from this experience and live a happy life, when you find the right person. Looks don’t last — the body will become a bag of bones, sagging flesh and wrinkled skin with time.
 

What matters is the person who the body belongs to. How loving and kind their heart is, how empathetic their mind is, etc etc.

 

 

Edited April 25, 2021 by dwai

[Apech]

17 minutes ago, VELLY said:

I don't trust her at all but the desire to get her once has just become too strong. I may seem childish but I think that what if she leaves me, at least I would be with her for short time ( in short - a sexual relationship with her is I desire the most ). Actually I am an IELTS tutor and have myself applied for permanent residency in Canada which I may get this year. She is weak in English and they want to marry me with her because it can be the easiest method for her to migrate to Canada. I don't believe in permanency of relationships and think that it's like a deal I'm providing her an opportunity in favor of getting sexual pleasures. 

 

Obviously, I can't discuss such issues with my parents or anyone else so that is why I considered it as a platform to get advice from some mature and wise people.

 

I did the Cambridge TEFL training about ten years ago (you reminded me with that IELTS reference) - I only used it in a voluntary capacity with some migrant/asylum seekers in England ... but I enjoyed learning how to teach a language.  Good luck with the Canada residency - I hear its a great country although I've never been there ( a bit cold though  ).

 

Wanting sex is the biggest hook for men particularly and the world is littered with stories of the crazy stuff that men have done for 'love' - although of course it isn't love it is lust which is not the same thing.  You may not believe in permanency of relationships - and you may be right - but one thing is certain that any relationship lasts a good deal longer than the sex act.  Honestly man, you are in the grip of something which is not worth it ... but then the rule is 'do what you will ... but pay the price'.  Everything has a price ... that is certain.

 

 

[Apech]

12 minutes ago, dwai said:

....
 

It doesn’t matter what others do, we must keep our flame clean, and burning with love and kindness. Let go of this desire to possess or to seek revenge — I think @silent thunder said it best — your best revenge will be to learn from this experience and live a happy life, when you find the right person. Looks don’t last — the body will become a bag of bones, sagging flesh and wrinkled skin with time.
 

What matters is the person who the body belongs to. How loving and kind their heart is, how empathetic their mind is, etc etc.

 

 

 

Stop undressing in front of the mirror @dwai  :)

[VELLY]

14 minutes ago, liminal_luke said:

I´ll add my vote to the "don´t do it" column.  She´s obviously not ready for the long-term commitment that is marriage.  Then again -- is it OK if I say this? -- neither are you.  At least not where she is concerned.  Going into a marriage with the idea that the relationship will be short-term and for sex is not going to turn out well for anyone.  And on top of it all, the migration to Canada thing!  Nothing in the scenario you´ve written suggests a loving union.  

 

If you´re in a space of seeking mostly sexual pleasure (and hey, I´ve been there) you can do so without getting married.  I would be honest about what you´re looking for and call things what they are.  You realize you might sound childish and have said so.  That´s OK.  Go ahead and be childish but don´t get married.  Have sex instead if that´s what you want.  Or don´t.  But save marriage for when you´re ready for it and are in a relationship with someone who is ready for it.  Hope I don´t sound harsh.  Just my two cents.

I understand but there is no other way to have sexual relations with her. In India, sex is considered like a sacred thing and teenagers and young couples (outside marriage) make out with each other but don't do penetrative sex (in majority of cases). It is indigestible for me. There is just one option that I offer her a way out of India and ask for sexual favors from her. Otherwise, I think it's totally out of my reach and I can't see a way through it.

[dwai]

3 minutes ago, Apech said:

 

Stop undressing in front of the mirror @dwai 

I’m but a mirror myself — you see what you show 😜

[liminal_luke]

8 minutes ago, VELLY said:

I understand but there is no other way to have sexual relations with her. In India, sex is considered like a sacred thing and teenagers and young couples (outside marriage) make out with each other but don't do penetrative sex (in majority of cases). It is indigestible for me. There is just one option that I offer her a way out of India and ask for sexual favors from her. Otherwise, I think it's totally out of my reach and I can't see a way through it.

 

You might be in Canada soon where, for better or worse, not everyone shares Indian values around sex.  I hear there are some beautiful women in Canada.

[VELLY]

31 minutes ago, dwai said:

That is very sad that you look at life in such a mercantile manner. Is that all a relationship is to you? An opportunity to have sex and procreate? 
 

Let me ask you, do you have a spiritual practice? What does your spiritual tradition have to say about this kind of mentality? 

Imagine if people treated the important women in your life in the terms you just expressed - possessions, commodity, sex as a currency, and so on.
 

Does that seem unpleasant (to put it mildly)? Remember, what we put out into this universe, sooner or later will return back to us. The wise will put in compassion, love, goodness. 
 

It doesn’t matter what others do, we must keep our flame clean, and burning with love and kindness. Let go of this desire to possess or to seek revenge — I think @silent thunder said it best — your best revenge will be to learn from this experience and live a happy life, when you find the right person. Looks don’t last — the body will become a bag of bones, sagging flesh and wrinkled skin with time.
 

What matters is the person who the body belongs to. How loving and kind their heart is, how empathetic their mind is, etc etc.

 

I do understand what you want to say. But I don't look at all women this way. I want to say she is a cheater and they need something from me which I can provide. So what is wrong in my thinking. I would have easily left her if she had got married with someone. But now I see an opportunity in front of me which has put me in this dilemma. I think my situation of power( I am in control of this situation) along with strong desire to get her is something which is confusing me.

 

If I were helpless, I would have never thought about so many situations. 

[Taomeow]

The girl was in some kind of relationship with another boy when she met you?  A relationship that was not sexual and started when she was 16?  Well... unless she explicitly swore eternal exclusivity, love and devotion to either him or you (and was not coerced, blackmailed or threatened in any way if she did swear it),  I don't think she has made a commitment to him, I don't think she owed him -- or you -- or anyone any exclusive rights on her company.  She was exploring the new and uncharted territory, the world of love, as teenagers do -- in a way considerably more restrained and, if I may use the word, innocent, than what most teenagers do in most Western cultures these days.  Weren't you when you were her age?..  And even if you were not, how much do you know about her need for love, about how frustrated she was not getting it anywhere -- beginning with her own family, where her own mother views her as a commodity to trade rather than a human being to love?

 

The differences between what society accepts for men looking for what they need and for women looking for what they need are staggering and infuriating if you ask me.  Even in this thread you see this "looking for sex with no strings attached is fine for men but a no-no for women" attitude -- "just don't get married," don't get hooked they say but looking to have sex at all costs is fine as long as you don't commit yourself.  Well, men's commitment to sex comes without the kind of price tag it entails for women -- they don't get pregnant from it, see, nor damage their health with hormonal contraception, nor get abortions, nor give birth should sex turn out to produce a pregnancy the woman can't or won't terminate.  So one thing to understand which I don't think is understood widely is that whatever needs women are trying to get met in a relationship are, at the very least, not smaller than whatever needs men are trying to get met for themselves -- including sex.   There's passionate women out there, women who need sex as much as men or more -- it's just that for them the hurdles in getting the kind with no strings attached are usually much greater.  So one thing I would want to advise is, examine yourself, know what your needs are as a human being, including but not limited to sex, what else is driving you  -- then try to imagine that the girl's needs are at least no smaller than that, not drastically different and not something insignificant compared to yours -- and take it from there.  If you can accept equality in that respect, chances are she will have no need and no desire to "cheat" ever again.  If you love her rather than use her, chances are she will pay in kind.  She's not all that different from you.  As my first teacher put it, "tao is not unlike you."  

 

Other than that...  strangely enough, a survey of marriages in cultures where they are arranged by parents vs. those where partners make their own choices proved that spouses in arranged marriages rated theirs as "happy" more than twice more often than spouses in self-chosen unions.  Strange but true.  Maybe the reason is that parents are, generally speaking, more experienced in making life's choices than children?  It's a hit-or-miss for everyone though.  Luck is a player too.  Those who assert that marriage is overrated weren't the luckiest and have that experience as their frame of reference.  Those who were lucky often believe it's the most important part of life, the part that can make or break it.  Having or not having true love and devotion in one's life is the foundation on which it can stand strong -- or crumble.  

 

Also I can ask the I Ching on your behalf.  I'm a fairly experienced diviner.    

Edited April 25, 2021 by Taomeow

[Master Logray]

2 hours ago, VELLY said:

Obviously, I can't discuss such issues with my parents or anyone else so that is why I considered it as a platform to get advice from some mature and wise people.

 

Why you don't ask for advice from Indian forums?  It can be done anonymously.  They sure can offer great advices as they know the situation better than from here?

 

Since other members are giving their wisdom, a technical advice may be useful.   In Buddhist training, they have a white bones meditation, which is visualizing your desired persons to be bones (1 day they will be).  Outer beauty will end up being bones.  It would greatly reduce your desire.  I am not Buddhist and if you are interested, sure some member can give you detail procedures.

 

Another way is to predict how this beautiful woman will look like in 10, 20, 30 years.  80% of the chance, she will look like her mother.   Do you really want to marry a woman look like her mother and stay with her for your whole life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[VELLY]

1 hour ago, Taomeow said:

The girl was in some kind of relationship with another boy when she met you?  A relationship that was not sexual and started when she was 16?  Well... unless she explicitly swore eternal exclusivity, love and devotion to either him or you (and was not coerced, blackmailed or threatened in any way if she did swear it),  I don't think she has made a commitment to him, I don't think she owed him -- or you -- or anyone any exclusive rights on her company.  She was exploring the new and uncharted territory, the world of love, as teenagers do -- in a way considerably more restrained and, if I may use the word, innocent, than what most teenagers do in most Western cultures these days.  Weren't you when you were her age?..  And even if you were not, how much do you know about her need for love, about how frustrated she was not getting it anywhere -- beginning with her own family, where her own mother views her as a commodity to trade rather than a human being to love?

 

The differences between what society accepts for men looking for what they need and for women looking for what they need are staggering and infuriating if you ask me.  Even in this thread you see this "looking for sex with no strings attached is fine for men but a no-no for women" attitude -- "just don't get married," don't get hooked they say but looking to have sex at all costs is fine as long as you don't commit yourself.  Well, men's commitment to sex comes without the kind of price tag it entails for women -- they don't get pregnant from it, see, nor damage their health with hormonal contraception, nor get abortions, nor give birth should sex turn out to produce a pregnancy the woman can't or won't terminate.  So one thing to understand which I don't think is understood widely is that whatever needs women are trying to get met in a relationship are, at the very least, not smaller than whatever needs men are trying to get met for themselves -- including sex.   There's passionate women out there, women who need sex as much as men or more -- it's just that for them the hurdles in getting the kind with no strings attached are usually much greater.  So one thing I would want to advise is, examine yourself, know what your needs are as a human being, including but not limited to sex, what else is driving you  -- then try to imagine that the girl's needs are at least no smaller than that, not drastically different and not something insignificant compared to yours -- and take it from there.  If you can accept equality in that respect, chances are she will have no need and no desire to "cheat" ever again.  If you love her rather than use her, chances are she will pay in kind.  She's not all that different from you.  As my first teacher put it, "tao is not unlike you."  

 

Other than that...  strangely enough, a survey of marriages in cultures where they are arranged by parents vs. those where partners make their own choices proved that spouses in arranged marriages rated theirs as "happy" more than twice more often than spouses in self-chosen unions.  Strange but true.  Maybe the reason is that parents are, generally speaking, more experienced in making life's choices than children?  It's a hit-or-miss for everyone though.  Luck is a player too.  Those who assert that marriage is overrated weren't the luckiest and have that experience as their frame of reference.  Those who were lucky often believe it's the most important part of life, the part that can make or break it.  Having or not having true love and devotion in one's life is the foundation on which it can stand strong -- or crumble.  

 

Also I can ask the I Ching on your behalf.  I'm a fairly experienced diviner.    

Very insightful answer. But I guess this is not always the case. Some people are cheaters by choice. She did swore many times to me that she has no other boy in her life. I asked her many times if she wants a casual relationship. But she never gathered the courage to tell me and obviously I leaned more towards her. 

 

But this point can also be defended by saying that may be she was childish and people often make childish decisions while exploring unknown territories. Then I guess in such way adultery can also be made to look like a childish mistake, whereas it can have devastating effects on other person's life. 

 

It should be same for everyone be it a boy or a girl. Cheating should never be encouraged. If a person wants to experiment with multiple partners it should be made clear in the beginning. He/she should never be in a serious relationship and whatever it costs they must be ready to pay that cost. If they are doing so while being in a serious relationship it may cost their relationship also. I don't think anything is wrong here.

 

What do you think, Taomeow?

 

It would be great if you can ask I Ching on my behalf. I can provide you more details in Inbox.

[VELLY]

15 minutes ago, Master Logray said:

 

Why you don't ask for advice from Indian forums?  It can be done anonymously.  They sure can offer great advices as they know the situation better than from here?

 

Since other members are giving their wisdom, a technical advice may be useful.   In Buddhist training, they have a white bones meditation, which is visualizing your desired persons to be bones (1 day they will be).  Outer beauty will end up being bones.  It would greatly reduce your desire.  I am not Buddhist and if you are interested, sure some member can give you detail procedures.

 

Another way is to predict how this beautiful woman will look like in 10, 20, 30 years.  80% of the chance, she will look like her mother.   Do you really want to marry a woman look like her mother and stay with her for your whole life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess, Wisdom has no territories. That is why I am asking question here. I want to know the answer generally without any cultural influence.

[Taomeow]

22 minutes ago, VELLY said:

Very insightful answer. But I guess this is not always the case. Some people are cheaters by choice. She did swore many times to me that she has no other boy in her life. I asked her many times if she wants a casual relationship. But she never gathered the courage to tell me and obviously I leaned more towards her. 

 

But this point can also be defended by saying that may be she was childish and people often make childish decisions while exploring unknown territories. Then I guess in such way adultery can also be made to look like a childish mistake, whereas it can have devastating effects on other person's life. 

 

It should be same for everyone be it a boy or a girl. Cheating should never be encouraged. If a person wants to experiment with multiple partners it should be made clear in the beginning. He/she should never be in a serious relationship and whatever it costs they must be ready to pay that cost. If they are doing so while being in a serious relationship it may cost their relationship also. I don't think anything is wrong here.

 

What do you think, Taomeow?

 

It would be great if you can ask I Ching on my behalf. I can provide you more details in Inbox.

 

I think betrayal is the worst thing in the world, and cowardice is the greatest sin.  But in the case of someone very young, timid, inexperienced, or very disadvantaged socially (society tends to punish honesty and courage quite severely -- especially in women), and possibly confused because of inexperience with understanding her own feelings and motives, it may well be something different from "betrayal and cowardice" behind such behavior, something less drastic.  I would have to hear out the other side before forming an opinion...  Maybe when she swore that she has no other boy in her life, she meant she has no feelings for that boy, maybe that relationship was on its last leg and she was trying to ease her way out of it rather than terminate it abruptly...  who knows.  

And, yes, it should be made clear from the start -- but someone very young may not really be clear even inside themselves, volatile.  It's about one's core values, I call that "the diamond axis" -- if it's not formed, what drives one's behavior is the mood of the moment, the latest self-serving choice, the latest tantrum, whatever.  I would definitely demand this "diamond axis" of truthfulness and courage from an adult...  alas, many people I know don't have that personality core formed even by the time they are seniors, regardless of gender.  

 

I will do the reading once you provide the details you want to add.  

Edited April 25, 2021 by Taomeow

[silent thunder]

Bye.

 

Edited April 30, 2021 by silent thunder

[dwai]

3 hours ago, VELLY said:

I want to say she is a cheater and they need something from me which I can provide. So what is wrong in my thinking. I would have easily left her if she had got married with someone.

Why does it have to be this way? Why do you HAVE to get something more out of this than what you already have? You have the clarity that she’s not right for you, so then that should be sufficient, right? 
 

Sit quietly, in solitude, and calmly introspect your reason for wanting this. Is it lust? Is it revenge? Or is it something else? Only you can answer this for yourself. 
 

 

3 hours ago, VELLY said:

But now I see an opportunity in front of me which has put me in this dilemma. I think my situation of power( I am in control of this situation) along with strong desire to get her is something which is confusing me

To recognize your power in this situation and abuse it, is oppression. If you do this, you are no longer doing the right thing — you’re taking advantage of this girl, and her parents are trading her happiness for some perceived advantage.

 

Ask yourself, if this is what you would want if this girl were your own daughter? 
 

None of us here know the entire story, only your side of it. All we can do is advice you to walk away without causing more damage. There is always a choice to make the right decision — transacting on something for sex is not a good one. 

[ilumairen]

5 hours ago, VELLY said:

I don't trust her at all but the desire to get her once has just become too strong. I may seem childish but I think that what if she leaves me, at least I would be with her for short time ( in short - a sexual relationship with her is I desire the most ). Actually I am an IELTS tutor and have myself applied for permanent residency in Canada which I may get this year. She is weak in English and they want to marry me with her because it can be the easiest method for her to migrate to Canada. I don't believe in permanency of relationships and think that it's like a deal I'm providing her an opportunity in favor of getting sexual pleasures. 

 

Obviously, I can't discuss such issues with my parents or anyone else so that is why I considered it as a platform to get advice from some mature and wise people.

I actually find this a bit troubling. 
 

There is so much more than a simple “get her out of India” (which I believe is at least pretty close to how you put it in a later post) - which seems to be her mother’s goal, although I have seen no indication it is hers.

 

You would be taking her away from her friends and family (i.e. any support network she presently has - if they are actually supportive), and bringing her to a place where she has no strong language skills (according to you), will likely experience some amount of culture shock, and have difficulty communicating in any nuanced fashion with anyone other than you. If you indeed wish to convince yourself you will be “providing opportunity” then these things should be considered imo - or else it looks a bit like a “dependency trap” to me.. which is certainly and entirely honestly a perception colored by my own history.

[liminal_luke]

Thanks to Taomeow and ilumairen for pointing out the obvious (yet somehow easily overlooked) fact that this potential relationship involves a person with needs and desires of her own.  In my opinion, most relationship difficulties are resolved easily enough once it´s deeply understood that they involve more than one person.

Edited April 25, 2021 by liminal_luke

[con.]

11 hours ago, liminal_luke said:

Thanks to Taomeow and ilumairen for pointing out the obvious (yet somehow easily overlooked) fact that this potential relationship involves a person with needs and desires of her own.  In my opinion, most relationship difficulties are resolved easily enough once it´s deeply understood that they involve more than one person.

 

That's what I thought. Talk to her.

If you can discuss the things said in this thread with her, honestly and on equal terms, and you come out of it as a couple, marriage might be an option.

Otherwise it seems as if your question implies you have already decided what you feel to be the right thing to do, right?

 

Spoiler

Plus: sex will be much better this way. Eye to eye. I promise.