Is fulfillment a worthwhile goal ?

[TranquilTurmoil]

10 minutes ago, manitou said:

 

 

Not sure what you're talking about, I know nothing about this tradition.  But just speaking philosophically (and totally ignorant of the martial arts traditions, other than appreciation) it seems like there would be a bar to complete integration, when the mind must hold the difference between black/white,  male/female,  good/bad,  negative/positive.  It's only when we label it when the Dao starts to separate into 2.  and then 3.  And then, sure as s**t, those darn 10,000 things. 

 

The peace in the heart is found when there is no distinction that you make of what is right or wrong, or black or white.  It doesn't matter.  It's all the same thing.  Intelligent matter that can somehow retain form in various shapes, sizes, and degrees of awareness.  Hopefully we're the tip of the spear, but these days I wonder.

 

 

 

In my understanding, we can only really arrive at the non-dual by traversing the world of duality. And while we are dwelling in the world of duality (or at least partially/mostly) the rules/laws apply to varying extents. There IS distinction between yin and yang... and we have to work with those two specific energies accordingly. However, that is not to say we should prefer one/shun the other... it's just that we have to be yielding and adaptable, and changing with the seasons.

 

FWIW i only have a very basic intellectual understanding of yin/yang and the various energies. But I think it's pretty certain that we have to adapt to circumstances rather than following the heart exclusively.

[manitou]

6 minutes ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

FWIW i only have a very basic intellectual understanding of yin/yang and the various energies. But I think it's pretty certain that we have to adapt to circumstances rather than following the heart exclusively.

 

 

I don't think it has to do with following the heart.  It's more like following your integrity.  Always.

[old3bob]

 

"In my understanding, we can only really arrive at the non-dual by traversing the world of duality."

 

likewise can we "only really arrive" beyond Mahadeva (as the creator, preserver, and destroyer which btw some dismiss) without traversing the worlds of Mahadeva?

[TranquilTurmoil]

12 minutes ago, old3bob said:

 

"In my understanding, we can only really arrive at the non-dual by traversing the world of duality."

 

likewise can we "only really arrive" beyond Mahadeva (as the creator, preserver, and destroyer which btw some dismiss) without traversing the worlds of Mahadeva?

Interesting question! I think the buddhists (besides maybe certain vajrayana practioners) would advise against relying on higher powers to move ourselves toward liberation... and as I lean as much toward Buddhism as I do Taoism it instills a bit of isolation on me following a path that seems to draw almost universal disapproval among buddhists and taoists alike.

 

To clarify, i think you are encouraging me to stick with my theism, reverence, devotional aspects of my path (from what I can tell), thus my response. If you are giving me such encouragement... sincere thanks!

 

Part of my dissociation and confusion when it comes to Theism is that I am fairly clueless about my own specific Theology. I don't know if I pray to a Universal God, a specific deity, if that specific deity is what the buddhists would classify as a Deva (a benevolent but flawed celestial being) or an "enlightened" Deity. It's all very confusing lol and the answers I seem to get when seeking are either that i'm focusing on the wrong thing, or that my HIgher Power isn't as much of a HIgher Power as im inclined to believe. FWIW I'm still pretty resolute in my devotion and faith but it's been a bit of a stumbling block of keeping my heart in it. 

 

Nonetheless, i feel like I am gradually recovering emotionally currently as well as making great spiritual progress

Edited July 28, 2021 by TranquilTurmoil

[manitou]

2 hours ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

Interesting question! I think the buddhists (besides maybe certain vajrayana practioners) would advise against relying on higher powers to move ourselves toward liberation... and as I lean as much toward Buddhism as I do Taoism it instills a bit of isolation on me following a path that seems to draw almost universal disapproval among buddhists and taoists alike.

 

To clarify, i think you are encouraging me to stick with my theism, reverence, devotional aspects of my path (from what I can tell), thus my response. If you are giving me such encouragement... sincere thanks!

 

Part of my dissociation and confusion when it comes to Theism is that I am fairly clueless about my own specific Theology. I don't know if I pray to a Universal God, a specific deity, if that specific deity is what the buddhists would classify as a Deva (a benevolent but flawed celestial being) or an "enlightened" Deity. It's all very confusing lol and the answers I seem to get when seeking are either that i'm focusing on the wrong thing, or that my HIgher Power isn't as much of a HIgher Power as im inclined to believe. FWIW I'm still pretty resolute in my devotion and faith but it's been a bit of a stumbling block of keeping my heart in it. 

 

Nonetheless, i feel like I am gradually recovering emotionally currently as well as making great spiritual progress

 

 

you're the deity

[old3bob]

3 hours ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

Interesting question! I think the buddhists (besides maybe certain vajrayana practioners) would advise against relying on higher powers to move ourselves toward liberation... and as I lean as much toward Buddhism as I do Taoism it instills a bit of isolation on me following a path that seems to draw almost universal disapproval among buddhists and taoists alike.

 

To clarify, i think you are encouraging me to stick with my theism, reverence, devotional aspects of my path (from what I can tell), thus my response. If you are giving me such encouragement... sincere thanks!

 

Part of my dissociation and confusion when it comes to Theism is that I am fairly clueless about my own specific Theology. I don't know if I pray to a Universal God, a specific deity, if that specific deity is what the buddhists would classify as a Deva (a benevolent but flawed celestial being) or an "enlightened" Deity. It's all very confusing lol and the answers I seem to get when seeking are either that i'm focusing on the wrong thing, or that my HIgher Power isn't as much of a HIgher Power as im inclined to believe. FWIW I'm still pretty resolute in my devotion and faith but it's been a bit of a stumbling block of keeping my heart in it. 

 

Nonetheless, i feel like I am gradually recovering emotionally currently as well as making great spiritual progress

 

I can relate...after coming in contact with or studying several different paths or teachings it is hard to translate all of them into clear, non-conflicting universal concept(s), and trying to do that in itself is at best a problematic exercise ranging from idealistic and wishful thinking, coming up against walls, to putting it all on the shelf, to great appreciation, to unreconcilable dead-ends,  to standing back and taking another look,  etc,, etc..  Thankfully I was given personal verification of the teachings and revelations in the Upanishads and have no doubt about what they are pointing towards and give witness of. 

 

Good fortune to you Dude...

Edited July 28, 2021 by old3bob

[TranquilTurmoil]

10 minutes ago, old3bob said:

 

I can relate...after coming in contact with or studying several different paths or teachings it is hard to translate all of them into clear, non-conflicting universal concept(s), and trying to do that in itself is at best a problematic exercise ranging from idealistic and wishful thinking, coming up against walls, to putting it all on the shelf, to great appreciation, to unreconcilable dead-ends,  to standing back and taking another look,  etc,, etc..  Thankfully I was given personal verification of the teachings and revelations in the Upanishads and have no doubt about what they are pointing towards and give witness of. 

 

Good fortune to you Dude...

I have resolute faith in the existence of higher powers and in the benevolence and wisdom in my higher power too… it all just gets quite confusing when your own faith affirming experiences don’t match up with the advice of the external world… both from people who’s opinions aren’t informed and from people who’s opinions I very much respect. To add to the confusion I don’t find Buddhism to be much of a homogenous belief system and it’s hard to figure out if it negates teachings on atman/Brahman (which I don’t think Chan/Zen does) or if it teaches that liberation is a point reached Beyond atman/Brahman. And the only Taoists I have really had any interaction with are on this forum. Just some thoughts I guess 🙏🏼☯️⭕️

[dwai]

8 hours ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

I have resolute faith in the existence of higher powers and in the benevolence and wisdom in my higher power too… it all just gets quite confusing when your own faith affirming experiences don’t match up with the advice of the external world… both from people who’s opinions aren’t informed and from people who’s opinions I very much respect. To add to the confusion I don’t find Buddhism to be much of a homogenous belief system and it’s hard to figure out if it negates teachings on atman/Brahman (which I don’t think Chan/Zen does) or if it teaches that liberation is a point reached Beyond atman/Brahman. And the only Taoists I have really had any interaction with are on this forum. Just some thoughts I guess 🙏🏼☯️⭕️

Half-baked Buddhists/daoists think Buddhism/Daoism negates Atman/Brahman. Half-baked Hindus  think Buddhism/Daoism espouses nihilism. 
 
 

[stirling]

21 hours ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

I have resolute faith in the existence of higher powers and in the benevolence and wisdom in my higher power too… it all just gets quite confusing when your own faith affirming experiences don’t match up with the advice of the external world… both from people who’s opinions aren’t informed and from people who’s opinions I very much respect. To add to the confusion I don’t find Buddhism to be much of a homogenous belief system and it’s hard to figure out if it negates teachings on atman/Brahman (which I don’t think Chan/Zen does) or if it teaches that liberation is a point reached Beyond atman/Brahman. And the only Taoists I have really had any interaction with are on this forum. Just some thoughts I guess 🙏🏼☯️⭕️

 

Faith is a belief - a thought. Faith and other thoughts don't have any reality of their own, ultimately, and cannot be relied on. What we are looking for here is to drop faith and beliefs, to let go of the need for some cosmology. If you want to have faith, have faith that what you are surrounded by has never been separate from you, and can't help but love what it isn't separate from. If you must believe, trust that this thusness will catch you when you let go.

 

There is no duality to go through - that it is also a belief. When the mind is quiet and empty where is your duality? Where are you beliefs? Where is your "self", and where is "other"? Look carefully! This information is NOT hidden. It's right here.

 

Quote

When things can no longer be faulty, it is as if there are no things.
When the mind can no longer be disturbed, it is as if there is no mind.
When thought-objects vanish, the thinking-subject vanishes.
When the mind vanishes, objects vanish.

 

The arising of other gives rise to self;
giving rise to self generates other.
Know these seeming two facets
as one Emptiness.

 

In this Emptiness, the two are indistinguishable
and each contains in itself the whole.
When no discrimination is made between this and that,
how can you prefer one to another? - "Hsin Hsin Ming", Seng-ts’an, Third Patriarch of Zen (Excerpt)

 

https://terebess.hu/english/hsin.html#23

 

 

Buddhism is NOT a belief system, it is (at its center) the incitement to try - to be bold, and let go of your ideas about how to "do" enlightenment and instead just LOOK. Ultimately, like all such systems, Buddhism itself is dropped when understanding arises. We are not looking for something new to believe in, but rather an UNDERSTANDING of how things truly are.

 

Quote

Imagine, friends, a man in the course of a journey who arrives at a great expanse of water, whose near bank is dangerous and whose far bank offers safety. But there is no ferryboat or bridge to take him across the water. So he thinks: ‘What if I collected grass, twigs, branches and leaves and bound them together as a raft? Supported by the raft and by paddling with my hands and feet, I should then be able to reach the far bank."

 

He does this and succeeds in getting across.

 

On arriving at the far bank, it might occur to him: ‘This raft has been very helpful indeed. What if I were to hoist it on my head or shoulders, then proceed on my journey?’ Now, what do you think? By carrying it with him, would that man be doing what should be done with a raft?’

 

“’No, sir"’ replied his audience.

 

“’So what should he do with the raft? Having arrived at the far bank, he might think: ‘Yes, this raft has been very useful, but now I should just haul it onto dry land or leave it floating in the water, and then continue on my journey." In this way the man would be doing what should be done with that raft.

 

“The dharma too is like a raft. It serves the purpose of crossing over, not the purpose of grasping. When you understand that the dharma is like a raft, and that you should let go even of positive things (dhamma), then how much more so should you let go of negative things (adhamma).” - Buddha

 

 

Ultimately, properly understood, how things are makes a nonsense of all beliefs, faiths, and cosmologies:
 

Quote

 

The awakened mind is turned upside down and does not accord even with the Buddha-wisdom. - Hui Hai

 

 

At its heart it is very simple. The understanding has no real definitions, or edges. It can't be shared, only pointed to.

 

[TranquilTurmoil]

3 minutes ago, stirling said:

 

Faith is a belief - a thought. Faith and other thoughts don't have any reality of their own, ultimately, and cannot be relied on. What we are looking for here is to drop faith and beliefs, to let go of the need for some cosmology. If you want to have faith, have faith that what you are surrounded by has never been separate from you, and can't help but love what it isn't separate from. If you must believe, trust that this thusness will catch you when you let go.

 

There is no duality to go through - that it is also a belief. When the mind is quiet and empty where is your duality? Where are you beliefs? Where is your "self", and where is "other"? Look carefully! This information is NOT hidden. It's right here.

 

 

https://terebess.hu/english/hsin.html#23

 

 

Buddhism is NOT a belief system, it is (at its center) the incitement to try - to be bold, and let go of your ideas about how to "do" enlightenment and instead just LOOK. Ultimately, like all such systems, Buddhism itself is dropped when understanding arises. We are not looking for something new to believe in, but rather an UNDERSTANDING of how things truly are.

 

 

Ultimately, properly understood, how things are makes a nonsense of all beliefs, faiths, and cosmologies:
 

 

At its heart it is very simple. The understanding has no real definitions, or edges. It can't be shared, only pointed to.

 

Very thoughtful (oops lol) post! On the first point I don’t think faith is merely a thought or belief… there is blind faith, faith founded on inference, and experiential faith. It’s funny as I assume you know that the poem you quoted …. The title in English is faith in mind/faith mind.

 

I agree that “I”/we can momentarily glimpse non-duality in the here and now and meditation… but embodying that experience is a life-long practice… which beyond the temporary insights we have in our journey require faith and the groundwork of the principles of the path to lead to liberation. In other words, we need both insight and an intellectual understanding of the dharma if we wish to truly realize and embody liberation.

 

I guess the distinction I’m making is the insight of awakening and the simultaneous birth of faith, and the irreversible understanding of liberation. Surely there are many pitfalls associated with clinging to or unskillfully using belief systems… and I’m trying to rapidly re-orient myself to letting go of clinging and unwholesome habits… but you don’t throw out the raft altogether unless you have made it to the other shore or unless you find out your old raft was inadequate. The middle way, all day ☯️🙏🏼🌤

[freeform]

19 minutes ago, stirling said:

Ultimately, like all such systems, Buddhism itself is dropped when understanding arises.

Abandoning the raft before one has even built it is a big mistake.

 

Everything in its own time.

[stirling]

40 minutes ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

Very thoughtful (oops lol) post! On the first point I don’t think faith is merely a thought or belief… there is blind faith, faith founded on inference, and experiential faith.

Ask yourself, when the mind is still... is there "faith" of any kind present? If you are looking from emptiness, the answer will be an emphatic "no". 

 

Quote

It’s funny as I assume you know that the poem you quoted …. The title in English is faith in mind/faith mind.

 

It's worth looking at the page of translations carefully. Variations on that theme are there yes, but not all of them. Further, notice that Mind is capitalized. My understanding is that this is because we are not referring to "mind" here, the realm of thoughts, beliefs and faith, but rather the realm of Wisdom, vs. "wisdom". 

 

 

44 minutes ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

I agree that “I”/we can momentarily glimpse non-duality in the here and now and meditation… but embodying that experience is a life-long practice… which beyond the temporary insights we have in our journey require faith and the groundwork of the principles of the path to lead to liberation. In other words, we need both insight and an intellectual understanding of the dharma if we wish to truly realize and embody liberation.

 

Definitely.

 

Quote

I guess the distinction I’m making is the insight of awakening and the simultaneous birth of faith, and the irreversible understanding of liberation. Surely there are many pitfalls associated with clinging to or unskillfully using belief systems… and I’m trying to rapidly re-orient myself to letting go of clinging and unwholesome habits… but you don’t throw out the raft altogether unless you have made it to the other shore or unless you find out your old raft was inadequate. The middle way, all day.

 

I am not suggesting throwing out the raft, rather not clinging to it as suggested by the Buddha.

 

Quote

“The dharma too is like a raft. It serves the purpose of crossing over, not the purpose of grasping." - Buddha

 

Forming faiths or beliefs (clinging) about the raft is isn't ultimately helpful. Holding beliefs and faith lightly is the suggested path. 

 

The Middle Way is the one that eschews austerity and attachment to practices or beliefs:

 

Quote

The first phrasing (with "paṭipadā"), refers to a spiritual practice that steers clear of both extreme asceticism and sensual indulgence. This spiritual path is defined as the noble eightfold paththat leads to awakening. The second formulation refers to how the Buddha's Dharma (Teaching) approaches ontological issues of existence and personal identity by avoiding eternalism (or absolutism) and annihilationism (and nihilism).

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middle_Way

 

Holding it all lightly, without reification or belief -  the teachings, the idea of a "path", the "self" is the Middle Way.

[TranquilTurmoil]

35 minutes ago, stirling said:

Ask yourself, when the mind is still... is there "faith" of any kind present? If you are looking from emptiness, the answer will be an emphatic "no". 

 

 

It's worth looking at the page of translations carefully. Variations on that theme are there yes, but not all of them. Further, notice that Mind is capitalized. My understanding is that this is because we are not referring to "mind" here, the realm of thoughts, beliefs and faith, but rather the realm of Wisdom, vs. "wisdom". 

 

 

 

Definitely.

 

 

I am not suggesting throwing out the raft, rather not clinging to it as suggested by the Buddha.

 

 

Forming faiths or beliefs (clinging) about the raft is isn't ultimately helpful. Holding beliefs and faith lightly is the suggested path. 

 

The Middle Way is the one that eschews austerity and attachment to practices or beliefs:

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middle_Way

 

Holding it all lightly, without reification or belief -  the teachings, the idea of a "path", the "self" is the Middle Way.

This is all interesting…. From the aspect of emptiness alone I suppose faith isn’t there or relevant… but from the perspective of illumination faith is spontaneously aroused and is very important. While we may taste Wisdom in peak experiences… I don’t imagine we possess Wisdom thoroughly  until liberation (I think).

 

ad for clinging: I do believe we are very much supposed to cling to the raft/Dharma without attachment to rites/rituals… maybe I’m wrong on this but if we don’t cling to our understanding of truth … especially in lay life (and especially especially in my case lol) we can be pulled this way and that by the winds and waters of life. We don’t “grasp” at the skeleton of the dharma but we very much cling to what we perceive to be our dharma/truth… which until we attain at least a certain level of mastery may be very much intertwined with the guidance of a teacher.

 

With that said, it’s not good to be fixated or cling to notions or ideas of self/no self, emptiness/God… but it’s probably helpful to have a clear and wise map of the unknown that we traverse.

 

as far as eschewing austerity we have to contextualize this… the original disciples of the Buddha were celibate renunciates who ate one meal a day and were discouraged from sleeping what we would consider a healthy amount. And there also many accounts throughout history of practitioners who would go on to great achievements, doing what even the Buddha would consider austerity. I like to defend my ego’s attachment to the validity of my austere times I guess lol 🤷🏼‍♂️ 

 

to sum up a couple points: I agree we shouldn’t fixate in metaphysics or egoically attach to beliefs or belief systems… but that doesn’t imply we shouldn’t thoroughly and sincerely investigate metaphysical truths humbly and shouldn’t have a clear understanding of them… but it’s all a delicate balance.

[stirling]

1 hour ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

This is all interesting…. From the aspect of emptiness alone I suppose faith isn’t there or relevant… but from the perspective of illumination faith is spontaneously aroused and is very important. While we may taste Wisdom in peak experiences… I don’t imagine we possess Wisdom thoroughly  until liberation (I think).

 

In the Tibetan traditions one receives "pointing out" instruction, also called "introduction to the nature of mind". Once recognized, and with increasingly less effort over time, the student can learn to rest the mind in the "nature of mind", which is none other than enlightened mind, albeit at a more shallow level than someone who has had the experience of enlightenment/awaking itself. 

 

It is the experiential "introduction", training and ability to find it again, and eventual familiarity which generate any faith, rather than intellectual ideation. The Wisdom itself, as you suggest, comes with insight.

 

1 hour ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

ad for clinging: I do believe we are very much supposed to cling to the raft/Dharma without attachment to rites/rituals… maybe I’m wrong on this but if we don’t cling to our understanding of truth … especially in lay life (and especially especially in my case lol) we can be pulled this way and that by the winds and waters of life. We don’t “grasp” at the skeleton of the dharma but we very much cling to what we perceive to be our dharma/truth… which until we attain at least a certain level of mastery may be very much intertwined with the guidance of a teacher.

 

We will have to disagree on this point, but I believe you should pursue this all as you are driven to. It would be suggestion to hold all beliefs lightly, without any artificial certainty, or solidified opinion until there is Wisdom. All clinging becomes an impediment.

 

This is where the idea of "Beginner's Mind" comes from:

 

Quote

 

The wisdom of uncertainty frees us from what Buddhist psychology calls the thicket of views and opinions. “Seeing misery in those who cling to views, a wise person should not adopt any of them. A wise person does not by opinions become arrogant. How could anyone bother those who are free, who do not grasp at any views? But those who grasp after views and opinions wander about the world annoying people.” I like to think that the Buddha said this last sentence with a laugh. Ajahn Chah used to shake his head and smile, “You have so many opinions. And you suffer so much from them. Why not let them go?”

 

Freedom from views is like a cleaning of the glass, a breath of fresh air. Zen master Shunryu Suzuki calls this open-mindedness “beginner’s mind.” Listen to Rachel Carson, the great naturalist, as she evokes it: “A child’s world is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement. It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring, is dimmed and even lost before we reach adulthood. If I had influence with the good fairy who is supposed to preside over all children, I should ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life.”

 

When we are free from views, we are willing to learn. What we know for sure in this great turning universe is actually very limited. Seung Sahn, a Korean Zen master, tells us to value this “don’t know mind.” He would ask his students questions such as “What is love? What is consciousness? Where did your life come from? What is going to happen tomorrow?” Each time, the students would answer, “I don’t know.” “Good,” Seung Sahn replied. “Keep this ‘don’t know mind.’ It is an open mind, a clear mind.”

In close relationships, if we rely on assumptions, we lose our freshness. Whether as parents or lovers, what we see about those close to us is only a small part of their mystery. In many ways we don’t really know them at all. Through beginner’s mind we learn to see one another mindfully, free from views. Without views, we listen more deeply and see more clearly. “For there are moments,” says Rilke, “when something new has entered into us, something unknown; our feelings grow mute in shy perplexity, everything in us withdraws, a stillness comes, and the new, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it and is silent.” - Jack Kornfield

 

 

-

 

1 hour ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

With that said, it’s not good to be fixated or cling to notions or ideas of self/no self, emptiness/God… but it’s probably helpful to have a clear and wise map of the unknown that we traverse.

 

There is no real map precisely because it IS the unknown. 

 

1 hour ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

as far as eschewing austerity we have to contextualize this… the original disciples of the Buddha were celibate renunciates who ate one meal a day and were discouraged from sleeping what we would consider a healthy amount. And there also many accounts throughout history of practitioners who would go on to great achievements, doing what even the Buddha would consider austerity. I like to defend my ego’s attachment to the validity of my austere times I guess lol 🤷🏼‍♂️ 

 

to sum up a couple points: I agree we shouldn’t fixate in metaphysics or egoically attach to beliefs or belief systems… but that doesn’t imply we shouldn’t thoroughly and sincerely investigate metaphysical truths humbly and shouldn’t have a clear understanding of them… but it’s all a delicate balance.

 

There are things we can renunciate if we are taking the path seriously. I personally have attempted to work within the Bodhisattva Vow, 5 Precepts, and the 8 Fold Path. One can certainly take on further austerities, but in my experience they aren't necessary. 

 

It's fine to maintain an interest metaphysical ideas, but again, hold them lightly... what you are really looking to understanding will not be clearly definable by any subject/object (meaning conceptual) idea. Period. That Wisdom is the end of seeking and questions, and renders all other ideas about cosmology, practices, or system moot.

 

I feel I might have overstayed my welcome on your threads, so I'll bow out. Feel free to ping me if you care to. 

 

Sincere best wishes.

[TranquilTurmoil]

Hoping I’m not alienating those who are only trying to help me through my perspective and presentation of my perspective…. which tends to change gradually and steadily rather than all at once 🙏🏼

[TranquilTurmoil]

Fwiw as my social relationship tend to fall apart and my zen center is helpful but not enough, I truly value the resource and refuge found here on TDB 🤗

[stirling]

Oh.... it's nothing like that TT! I just feel I've said what is going to be beneficial here, and have probably elaborated enough for now.

 

Edited July 30, 2021 by stirling

[manitou]

I think much of what you describe can be dealt with, with a little altruism.  Find a way of giving.  You're spending a lot of time in yer head.

[TranquilTurmoil]

Thought I’d share I’m in the process of trying to getting help. Idk how much I’m gonna post on these threads but I appreciate everyone’s concern and goodwill.