Grieving from disillusionment

[TranquilTurmoil]

I realized that in many ways I've become anguished from loss, and when loss and it's after-effects lead to disillusionment (or sometimes disillusionment leads to loss) different symptoms of grief set in,: bitterness, remorse, anger at/hardening towards are perceived sources of grief. My best friend who I've longed to latch onto for the past 8 years reaffirmed at my asking for clarification: she just wants to be friends. My natural inner reaction to this is bitterness, while my wiser side recognizes: It's not her fault, We are wired to want what we want, we are often unable to get it the forms we think we want it in, and thus resistance and suffering. She just wants me to be happy and to preserve our friendship and my small sense of self wants to be able to have her as close to me as my heart desires. Thus cultivation to become True people and turn delusion into clarity. as well as seeking refuge to nourish our emotional sides... but in the meantime/simultaneously delusions, illusions, and disillusionment all lead to hurt.

[silent thunder]

Tough stuff mate.  Good medicine lies in the toughest stuff, in my case.

 

Looking back... I'm so grateful for my desperation and despair and particularly, my disillusionment.  Though it nearly took my life, on several occasions, it was a source of deep shift in awareness.

 

Observing now, it was in that deep, utter desolation when all seeking finally fell away in abject despondency and realization that it was all just a projected fantasy... that awakening occured, or that conditions arose in which a glimpse of truth could occur.  Only then, when all was rejected in abject surrender and exhaustion, that enough projection fell away that True Nature was revealed.  In my case, intense seeking was one of the most persistent impediments to my recognizing simple, raw awareness and presence.

 

It wasn't until all inertia of decades of seeking and claiming of truths was spent and awareness sank into the oblivion-stillness of utter surrender in despair; only when in the midst of horrific pain driving awareness to reject everything, that enough of the propped up mental and emotional inertia routines subsided... and true nature shone through the occlusions, projections and illusions. 

 

Like dirt on a window, obscuring what lay beyond,  inertial trance of seeking and evaluating and judging and expectations... occluded the simplest raw truth underlying it all.

 

Disillusionment is now welcomed, like bitter medicine.  i would rather suffer pain in healing, than live in further illusion.

 

Inertial Trance is a chronic dilemna for me.  It has been one of my most enduring allies and strengths, capable of creating systems of play, exploration and healing, but also capable of spanning decades in farcical fascinations, obsessive seekings and sidepaths of projection, repititious memory play and pure illusion.

 

Doubt and despair has been a potent process.  The only acid capable in my case, it seems of dissolving my sustained and most clung to untruths. 

 

 

Though blissful rest is more common now... Waking up has not been a process of feeling better for me. 

 

It has not been comforting.  It has been disconcerting and painful, relentless.  It almost cost me my marriage... as assumptions and key projections of my sense of self and reality, have been inexorably dissolved, it is a disorienting process... but one that comes to rest in bouyant clarity of true nature.

 

When able to release, there is a coming to rest in true nature through raw presence.

 

When able to release into what is, let go of the inertia and acknowledge the relentless revelation of the most simple, that there is an undeniable dissolution of projection, assumption and illusion, there is a bouyancy that arises.  When this occurs, raw shining natural presence is blissful, awareness is bouyant and open as the sky.  Limitless, clarion bell. 

 

All else, is a swirling of the bag of samsaric object mind play that i seemingly still reach out and pick up daily, then release by turns.

 

I wish you the strength to release into the dissolving of that which proves to be not of your true nature... and the bliss that comes in resting in raw awareness.

[silent thunder]

These quotes rose to mind as I posted the former comment.

 

 

 

The aspects of things that are most important for us

are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity.

 

Ludwig Wittgenstein

 

 

 

 

and these insights of Adyashanti's that purely resonate my recent process.

 

Most of us want to feel better,

we don't actually want to see that we're misperceiving things. 

But that's the core of spirituality.  And the only way to really wake up

is to realize that the way you perceive yourself is not true.

 

Make no mistake.

Enlightenment is a destructive process.
It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier.
Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth.
It's seeing through the facade of pretence.
It's the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.

[Nungali]

Am I having deja-vu ?

 

This OP reads VERY familiar .... even the wording ... and it , if I am remembering correctly, goes back some time .

 

Am I right  TT  ? ? ?

 

Or are you having a remarkably similar experience and reaction to it as someone else ?

[TranquilTurmoil]

@silent thunder Thank you so much for sharing that. I guess I want to know if I can look forward to resolution, wholeness, enduring sweetness, or if I should be bracing myself to carry my pain with me and make the most of joy in the face of it?

 

@Nungali Im wondering if you are thinking of someone else? Or if you read my recent thread on general discussion which touch similar themes? I havent been an active memeber of the forum very long... I only started consistenly posting a couple weeks ago