Making sense: How to combine emptiness and compassion?

[TranquilTurmoil]

I was reading on https://www.andrewholecek.com about the practice of illusory form... and it's pointing to a very harsh truth that I've been seeking to disbelieve or find a more suitable alternative... that even the most sacred of all human activities and connections ---Friendship/Relationships ---- are illusory, ephemeral and that we are grasping at phantoms. This is deeply distressing to me and becoming seemingly simultaneously apparent. Is there really a true serenity, happiness, and gratitiude to be found transcending samsara, severing or detaching from all attachments? In transcending samsara/birth and death is there still true unity (or an even greater unity?) Is there really Nothing to hold on to... even our family/friends/hopes? It just all seems so tragic.

But according to this quote... it seems so: 

"In the pattern that the world and life's appearances weave

Visions of parents, relatives and friends are like illusions and dreams

LIke morning mist, they are fleeting, and at the time they dissolve

That's the time to search for unborn confused mind's basic reality"

-Khenpo Tsultrim Gyamtso Rinpoche

 

For the concerned I finally connected with a like-minded societal exile, scarred by life's wounds and that has tremendous healing potential i think. But it is so haaard traversing the realm of spiritual seeking and lay life, seeking truth and wisdom while hoping to deeply and fully connect and serve. Feedback appreciated .

Edited July 17, 2021 by TranquilTurmoil

[doc benway]

2 hours ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

I was reading on https://www.andrewholecek.com about the practice of illusory form... and it's pointing to a very harsh truth that I've been seeking to disbelieve or find a more suitable alternative... that even the most sacred of all human activities and connections ---Friendship/Relationships ---- are illusory, ephemeral and that we are grasping at phantoms. This is deeply distressing to me and becoming seemingly simultaneously apparent.

From the relative perspective, it is distressing. 

It is a bit like dreaming. Things seem and feel very real in the dream and there is nothing wrong with that for the dreamer, other than it can be nightmarish and eventually it ends and is seen to be a dream, nothing to get too worked up about.

When we wake up, it is relatively easy to let go of the dream and while there may be a bit of regret or relief, it soon passes.

Very similar to the perspective that our life's activities and relationships are illusory and ephemeral.

While alive it is natural and useful to grasp at these things strongly but a side effect is that it is ultimately unsatisfactory because they are impermanent. 

The perspective of the grave, or non-dual awakening, is like the dreamer awakened. 

Those things just don't seem quite so important anymore.

They are no less significant or beautiful but they are no more significant, or beautiful, than the direct experience of non-duality.

All life, all relationships, suddenly take on the significance and worth of any one to the awakened.

It is a powerful, sometimes overwhelmingly meaningful experience. 

But it cannot be forced.

When it is seen directly and genuinely, it is effortless and transformative.

If you try to force it, there is risk.

One danger of non-dual and impermanence teachings is that they can cause crises and dysphoria in the vulnerable.

While living in samsara, live it to the hilt. Grasp and revel in it, and deal with the consequences as best you can.

If, and only if, that truly becomes unsatisfactory and loses its significance to the seeker, then it is worth embarking on the path of renunciation. Trying to tread that path when you are not ready, committed, and adequately supported will be painful and traumatic.

It is not an intellectual exercise, it is a lifestyle.

 

Quote

 

Is there really a true serenity, happiness, and gratitiude to be found transcending samsara, severing or detaching from all attachments? In transcending samsara/birth and death is there still true unity (or an even greater unity?) Is there really Nothing to hold on to... even our family/friends/hopes? It just all seems so tragic.

The answer to your question is unequivocally YES but that answer is wholly unsatisfactory to the intellect.

It is like trying to eat a menu, rather than dinner.

The only way to satisfactorily answer these questions for yourself is to experience it but it is a tricky path and there are no guaranteed formulas for success.

When you truly discover that there is nothing to hold on to, you have also discovered that there is no one grasping.

What fills the void is the unbounded nature of reality and the infinite potential of all it has to offer.

It is only tragic to the control freak that lives behind your thoughts and feelings and has developed a very important sense of self worth.

 

Quote

But according to this quote... it seems so: 

"In the pattern that the world and life's appearances weave

Visions of parents, relatives and friends are like illusions and dreams

LIke morning mist, they are fleeting, and at the time they dissolve

That's the time to search for unborn confused mind's basic reality"

-Khenpo Tsultrim Gyamtso Rinpoche

Beautiful poem from the perspective of the absolute to the sincere renunciate, showing the "mono no aware" of life and the promise of liberation. 

 

Quote

 

For the concerned I finally connected with a like-minded societal exile, scarred by life's wounds and that has tremendous healing potential i think. But it is so haaard traversing the realm of spiritual seeking and lay life, seeking truth and wisdom while hoping to deeply and fully connect and serve. Feedback appreciated .

I hope you are feeling some connection here?

Have you ever considered volunteering some time at a hospital, hospice, food bank, or animal shelter?

If you feel emotionally and psychologically strong enough, there are many wonderful opportunities to serve.

You could also plant trees or clean streams if the other opportunities seem too stressful, or simply serve yourself and continue your nature walks, you deserve it!

 

 

[TranquilTurmoil]

Thanks a lot Steve 🙏🏼. I figure that the teachings of shunyata are only meant to be understood on an intellectual level in so much as they help drive us towards awakening. But even when I have had peak experiences, they too were impermanent and life returned to unsatisfactory ness as I was deeply psychologically wounded. Thus while I wholeheartedly pursue the path of progress (that I assume will culminate in liberation) I can’t put myself in the shoes of an awakened one. In the meantime, it’s like everything I ever hoped for and thought mattered is like illusory grasping. And I can open my heart to a new life and plan to but it’s not what my heart yearned for for 8 years and im less than enthused at the immediate prospect of it. 
 

to clarify I have no intention of throwing off the world (again) and seeking transcendence. I was already a renunciate (sometimes voluntarily, while often involuntarily) who only ever dreamed of climbing back down the mountain one day. And while TDB is a genuine refuge as is my zen center… it doesn’t fill the hole of “absurdity” and let down.

 

Volunteering at an animal shelter is the only volunteer work I can envision myself doing, I think it’s more likely in the coming months, years I will join a program to either finish my bachelors degree or more likely get certified in some healing/therapeutic modality. Or just continue to live on the fringes 🙏🏼 Thanks again.

[doc benway]

42 minutes ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

I figure that the teachings of shunyata are only meant to be understood on an intellectual level in so much as they help drive us towards awakening.

Remember that the teachings on shunyata were primarily developed as a teaching tool for monastics who were generally required to follow comprehensive course of study, including debate, in a very supportive and familial environment with the alternative likely being an impoverished existence with little chance for education or prosperity. Adapting those teachings to unsupervised and unsupported self-study in the modern, high tech, Western world is challenging. The other aspect is that the teachings essentially drive the mind to confusion, paradox, or exhaustion in order to force it to simply rest, drop away, and open to the direct, non-conceptual experience of reality. Part of that requires some degree of pain and desperation and the presence of a supportive sangha and guru are paramount. In the monastic environment, this was expected to take years, even a decade or more, of daily, guided, immersion in practice and study. 

 

42 minutes ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

 

Volunteering at an animal shelter is the only volunteer work I can envision myself doing, I think it’s more likely in the coming months, years I will join a program to either finish my bachelors degree or more likely get certified in some healing/therapeutic modality. Or just continue to live on the fringes 🙏🏼 Thanks again.

If you are interested in healing others... you know where to start!

I am in a healing/therapeutic job and went through some serious crises, existential and otherwise, at times.

It can be very difficult to face others' suffering which harboring and juggling your own.

I was lucky enough to find support and healing in a spiritual discipline which has allowed me to do my job far better with more pleasure and less distress.

Wishing you peace and fulfillment on your path.

 

[TranquilTurmoil]

The sticking point I have in explaining myself in this forum as well as the source of friction in almost all of my everyday affairs.. revolves around my relationship with the YI JIng, as a simultaneous guide, guru, oracle... that while cannot give "direct teachings" the way a human teacher can, nonetheless has formed my path within definitive, unorthodox, and dangerous do-or-die parameters.

 

And yes I do realize and it's my refuge that disappointment leads to surrender which leads to growth if not outright awakening, However the lack of sangha for 7.5 years caused a ton of internal lack that has at times resulted in what is somewhat akin to Chan sickness.

 

It's funny because after having an emotional shutdown at age 20 after immersing myself in becomeing acutely aware of the unfathomable cruelty and inflicted suffering of factory farming, I can handle human suffering with a great level of seperation (whether to a healthy extent or not).. it's animals I cant bear to see suffer. Or it burdens me if i feel I caused suffering on others. But I can deal with seeing others suffering without taking it on myself, even though I still care.

 

My mood like all things fluctuates, I just made an inspired on foot pilgrimmage out into nature and just returned. My grandma called and I took refuge in her. I know that this crisis is impermanent but it still seems quite necessary to work through... it's more than just dropping my story as I have tried doing that as best as I know how to.

[TranquilTurmoil]

I know this isnt the what are you listening to thread but this is my life right now : 

 

[stirling]

Ultimate bodhicitta arises naturally and always where there is wisdom. So: compassion is a natural aspect of the emptiness that arises of its own accord. 

 

It is hard to see it when we are deep in the chaos of our obscurations and story, but if we can but just STOP and let the mind come to a halt, THEN look at things, we can see what it is we are bringing to this moment with our thinking mind. We do not have to be enlightened to do this. 

 

The compassion of ultimate boddhicitta is to be WITH the suffering (or dissatisfaction, as the fantastic Ken McLeod translates it) we witness in this moment, whether we feel it is ours or someone else's, and be present to play whatever role we play in helping recognize it or alleviating it. This is mostly just in the listening, not so much in taking on the burden ourselves.

[stirling]

4 hours ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

I know that this crisis is impermanent but it still seems quite necessary to work through... it's more than just dropping my story as I have tried doing that as best as I know how to.

 

It is said the Buddha once asked a student, "If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful? If the person is struck by a second arrow, is it even more painful?" He then went on to explain, "In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional."

 

Dropping the story doesn't mean we don't work through a crisis - it means we attempt to work skillfully through the FACTS of what is happening NOW rather than our story about it -  we try to concern ourself ONLY with the first arrow, and realize that the second is entirely of our own creation. 

 

This is working from Beginners Mind, the world as it is in this moment empty of our tales of the past or projections of the future.

[TranquilTurmoil]

@stirling For some background:

I think first I arrived (not at ultimate bodhicitta) but at compassion while neglecting the teaching on emptiness. And now as my compassion merged with lack of detachment has combined with the "loss" of relationships, I'm arriving at a purely analytical understanding of emptiness. With that there is dukkha. I guess it always a balance between taking a "theraputic" approach toward suffering and resting in the "don't know mind". I relied on the don't know mind for years and years as I went through tough times to say the least. But the is the danger of emotional suppression in such instances (albeit it may be necessary to do that in times of intense hardship). I don't think "I" am putting the second arrow in... I think my psyche is toying with that though. I think the most helpful thing right now is a holistic approach: Time in nature, shamatha, processing pain, finding catharsis in music, taking refuge in the people i feel drawn to and whom are both physically and emotionally available.

 

Let me know if you have further guidance. I appreciate your sincerity and goodwill 

[TranquilTurmoil]

A real life example: I have a 4 year beard and hair currently. While I can strive to not dwell on this fact, not analyze it, not add to it, I do carry it with me. Until I cut it off it will be a very real part of me. It is to be determined how skillful it is to reflect on the 4 years of fur I carry with me, until causes and conditions come together when I release it; either spontaneously on a whim/intuitive impulse or through deliberate rational action 

Edited July 17, 2021 by TranquilTurmoil

[stirling]

Quote

I was reading on https://www.andrewholecek.com about the practice of illusory form... and it's pointing to a very harsh truth that I've been seeking to disbelieve or find a more suitable alternative... that even the most sacred of all human activities and connections ---Friendship/Relationships ---- are illusory, ephemeral and that we are grasping at phantoms. 

 

I can't for the life of me fathom how I didn't read this, but in looking again I feel I must comment. While what you say is (in a way that I can't explain to you) conceptually true, appearance both exists AND don't exist. Ultimately the content of this dance is empty of intrinsic reality, but it is FULL of unity reality. If you were to see things completely as non-dual reality you'd see that NONE of this goes away, and all of it is more sweetly beloved and loving than anything you encountered before as it is wholly and completely what "you" are. There is no real way to explain this, but to see it, and deciding on what it really means or looks like with conceptual ideation almost always leads us to intellectual nihilism. Back away from the idea that you can truly understand this emptiness conceptually, and instead hold the intellectual idea lightly, knowing that it is only experientially possible to fathom.

 

I am married. I have kids. I have pets. They are in my life and out moment to moment, and I cherish them more than I EVER have, KNOWING precisely how they are.

[stirling]

16 hours ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

@stirling For some background:

I think first I arrived (not at ultimate bodhicitta) but at compassion while neglecting the teaching on emptiness. And now as my compassion merged with lack of detachment has combined with the "loss" of relationships, I'm arriving at a purely analytical understanding of emptiness. With that there is dukkha. I guess it always a balance between taking a "theraputic" approach toward suffering and resting in the "don't know mind". I relied on the don't know mind for years and years as I went through tough times to say the least. But the is the danger of emotional suppression in such instances (albeit it may be necessary to do that in times of intense hardship). I don't think "I" am putting the second arrow in... I think my psyche is toying with that though. I think the most helpful thing right now is a holistic approach: Time in nature, shamatha, processing pain, finding catharsis in music, taking refuge in the people i feel drawn to and whom are both physically and emotionally available.

 

Let me know if you have further guidance. I appreciate your sincerity and goodwill 

 

You are imagining how things are based on ideas. This is the CENTER of samsara in ALL aspects. Stop. You have never had an idea that was true. What IS true is this moment... its beautiful stillness... NOT your thoughts about it. It is easy to get carried away by what you THINK things are... again... it's samsara. Don't suppress emotions - HAVE them, but see them as they are, impermanent, arising and passing away. Emotions, thoughts, stars, cats, bowling balls, you name it - they all arise and pass where they are and are not what "you" are. You are the awareness that watches them, and Mr. Turmoil arises and passes from thought to thought too. 

 

Enjoy the people and experiences you have. Know that they, and you, are precisely where they should be doing just what they should. Relax. Watch the dance. Let go of what you are clinging to, or what you are averse to in your thoughts. Allow the mind to settle as often as possible. That's the path, really. You are doing FINE.

Edited July 18, 2021 by stirling
Oh... the tragic quickly typed spelling... :)

[stirling]

5 hours ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

A real life example: I have a 4 year beard and hair currently. While I can strive to not dwell on this fact, not analyze it, not add to it, I do carry it with me. Until I cut it off it will be a very real part of me. It is to be determined how skillful it is to reflect on the 4 years of fur I carry with me, until causes and conditions come together when I release it; either spontaneously on a whim/intuitive impulse or through deliberate rational action 

 

There is a moment where you cut your hair, or there isn't. As you say, the conditions will be ripe to do what happens WHEN it is that moment when things happen. Don't overthink these things. Like everything else, there is no need to worry about it. When the thoughts arise, try adopting the attitude: "It will be interesting to see what happens next" and drop it, instead of getting lost in it and the anxiety that arises.

 

In Buddhism the thinking mind is a sixth sense, no more exalted than any other sense. Our mistake is that we have exalted intellectual thought and think that this is somehow what we are, or how we will understand reality. It isn't. We are the awareness that WATCHES things arise and pass, INCLUDING our thought processes. In Zen we watch the exalted thought process until it runs out of steam, like a sugared up toddler or a jar of muddy water that is shaken and shaken by the movement of thinking. What happens when the toddler falls asleep sitting up, or the jar of water becomes clear? Awareness - clear, clean, still. This is what "you" are. This is what it ALL is. It looks just like this moment.

[TranquilTurmoil]

39 minutes ago, stirling said:

 

I can't for the life of me fathom how I didn't read this, but in looking again I feel I must comment. While what you say is (in a way that I can't explain to you) conceptually true, appearance both exists AND don't exist. Ultimately the content of this dance is empty of intrinsic reality, but it is FULL of unity reality. If you were to see things completely as non-dual reality you'd see that NONE of this goes away, and all of it is more sweetly beloved and loving than anything you encountered before as it is wholly and completely what "you" are. There is no real way to explain this, but to see it, and deciding on what it really means or looks like with conceptual ideation almost always leads us to intellectual nihilism. Back away from the idea that you can truly understand this emptiness conceptually, and instead hold the intellectual idea lightly, knowing that it is only experientially possible to fathom.

 

I am married. I have kids. I have pets. They are in my life and out moment to moment, and I cherish them more than I EVER have, KNOWING precisely how they are.

This is very reassuring . Thank you 🙏🏼 

[TranquilTurmoil]

34 minutes ago, stirling said:

 

You are imagining how things are based on ideas. This is the CENTER of samsara in ALL aspects. Stop. You have never hand an idea that was true. What IS true is this moment... it's beautiful stillness... NOT your thoughts about it. It is easy to get carried away by what you THINK things are... again... it's samsara. Don't suppress emotions - HAVE them, but see them as they are, impermanent, arising and passing away. Emotions, thoughts, stars, cats, bowling balls, you name it - they all arise and pass where they are and are not what "you" are. You are the awareness that watches them, and Mr. Turmoil arises and pases from thought to thought too. 

 

Enjoy the people and experiences you have. Know that they, and you, are precisely where they should be doing just what they should. Relax. Watch the dance. Let go of what you are clinging to, or what you are averse to in your thoughts. Allow the mind to settle as often as possible. That's the path, really. You are doing FINE.

Thanks. What I’m going through now isn’t really self-doubt as much as grief and the withering away of a combo of hope, attachment (while striving towards cheerful optimism). It comes in waves. Now maybe the grief is self created… or maybe I should just do my best to put down the analytical mind to whatever extent I can. Right now I’m inclined to take a middle way

[TranquilTurmoil]

31 minutes ago, stirling said:

 

There is a moment where you cut your hair, or there isn't. As you say, the conditions will be ripe to do what happens WHEN it is that moment when things happen. Don't overthink these things. Like everything else, there is no need to worry about it. When the thoughts arise, try adopting the attitude: "It will be interesting to see what happens next" and drop it, instead of getting lost in it and the anxiety that arises.

 

In Buddhism the thinking mind is a sixth sense, no more exalted than any other sense. Our mistake is that we have exalted intellectual thought and think that this is somehow what we are, or how we will understand reality. It isn't. We are the awareness that WATCHES things arise and pass, INCLUDING our thought processes. In Zen we watch the exalted thought process until it runs out of steam, like a sugared up toddler or a jar of muddy water that is shaken and shaken by the movement of thinking. What happens when the toddler falls asleep sitting up, or the jar of water becomes clear? Awareness - clear, clean, still. This is what "you" are. This is what it ALL is. It looks just like this moment.

To clarify: as ridiculous as this statement may seem: I don’t think I am overthinking it. I am not anxious or worried. This is the culmination of nearly a decade of pent up emotions and energy filled with hope fear shame guilt regret trauma you name it…. All surfacing and me processing it while trying to not lose my balance. Like you said I am doing fine, you are doing fine in assisting me difficult emotions just Are. Dukkha included though it can be tempered by skillfully directing awareness toward wholesome states, or through “Dropping” and abiding in whatever arises. I should mention I have OCD and the residue of that (combined with years of bearing with chaos in calm, quiet desperation) is that I have to go through more often than I keep still and let the mud settle these days 🙏🏼

[stirling]

10 hours ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

Thanks. What I’m going through now isn’t really self-doubt as much as grief and the withering away of a combo of hope, attachment (while striving towards cheerful optimism). It comes in waves. Now maybe the grief is self created… or maybe I should just do my best to put down the analytical mind to whatever extent I can. Right now I’m inclined to take a middle way

 

Pema Chodron often says, "Life is hopeless", which I find hilarious. She doesn't mean that things always turn out badly, she means that hope is a construction of ideas about a future that benefits you. That projected future is based purely on your speculation using limited information available in the present. How could it ever happen as you envisage it?

 

I am saying: be careful about mourning something that hasn't happened... just have the feelings as they arise and let them pass naturally. This is all that is really happening anyway. The middle way is to eschew unnecessary suffering instead of enduring austerities. You should definitely take the middle way. 

 

Quote

Monks, these two extremes ought not to be practiced by one who has gone forth from the household life. There is an addiction to indulgence of sense-pleasures, which is low, coarse, the way of ordinary people, unworthy, and unprofitable; and there is an addiction to self-mortification, which is painful, unworthy, and unprofitable.
Avoiding both these extremes, the Perfect One has realized the Middle Path; it gives vision, gives knowledge, and leads to calm, to insight, to enlightenment and to Nibbana. - Buddha,  Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta

 

[stirling]

10 hours ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

To clarify: as ridiculous as this statement may seem: I don’t think I am overthinking it. I am not anxious or worried. This is the culmination of nearly a decade of pent up emotions and energy filled with hope fear shame guilt regret trauma you name it…. All surfacing and me processing it while trying to not lose my balance. Like you said I am doing fine, you are doing fine in assisting me difficult emotions just Are. Dukkha included though it can be tempered by skillfully directing awareness toward wholesome states, or through “Dropping” and abiding in whatever arises. I should mention I have OCD and the residue of that (combined with years of bearing with chaos in calm, quiet desperation) is that I have to go through more often than I keep still and let the mud settle these days 🙏🏼

 

I'm glad to hear you feel you are avoiding unnecessary turmoil, Mr. T. What you are going through sounds about right after getting some wisdom about how things are. Hang in there! The suffering in a "Dark Night" is proportional to how much clinging and aversion we have as the processing happens. It sounds like you are aware of how to bring forbearance to... uh... bear on difficult situations which is arguably THE most important Bohdisattva skill. Forbearance isn't avoidance, it is recognizing that difficult situations (all situations) are impermanent and just hanging in there as they do their things. In forbearance, however, remember that the stillness is RIGHT there! 🙏🏼

[TranquilTurmoil]

@stirling I just got back from my zen center. Going through the zazen routine helped me put into practice what you and others have been advising: My distraughtness and my awareness of my distraughtness dropped away. It was much need relief. But as soon as our practice circle/chanting eneded, my distraughtness came right back. I see not just the value of dropping the story but how I need to create specific wholesome circumstances to drop away. I ll have to figure it out one step at a time.

[thelerner]

There are some illusions worth clinging to.  Love, family, friends, Goodness, Honesty, Charity.   Maybe we cherish these things because they benefit us, maybe because such beliefs build a better world for us.  Kindness tends to be reciprocated and even when it's not,  it still makes me feel better.  Kids are aggravating, but they are our hope, for a better world.  

this says it better then I

 

[thelerner]

wtf?  dble pst.

 

Edited July 19, 2021 by thelerner

[thelerner]

Early on in meditation I shot for emptiness, an empty mind.  These days, practicing closer to Dzoghen, I appreciate the emptiness around my thoughts.  I scratch, I squirm, I think, yet emptiness is still there.  I settle into it, yet even when I don't it's still there.  Sounds come and go, thoughts too, things in my visual field, come and go.  All in the vast space of consciousness, as long as I'm willing to let them go.  

 

I'm finding more solace in 'space' then in emptiness.   And in space, the thoughts and squirming are fine.. they settle down, back into space, where I swing like Tarzan, breath to breath.  

[TranquilTurmoil]

3 hours ago, thelerner said:

There are some illusions worth clinging to.  Love, family, friends, Goodness, Honesty, Charity.   Maybe we cherish these things because they benefit us, maybe because such beliefs build a better world for us.  Kindness tends to be reciprocated and even when it's not,  it still makes me feel better.  Kids are aggravating, but they are our hope, for a better world.  

this says it better then I

 

That movie clip brought me to laughter and I also found it quite delusional lol. It's precisely because I was believing in illusions that at the very least werent reciprocated by those around me that has led me to this "crisis" of sorts. There was a long time ago when I wanted to penetrate through all illusions (or at least I wanted to in theory)... now I kind of begrudgingly accept it as a necessity to minimize heartbreak, let down, disappointment

[TranquilTurmoil]

3 hours ago, thelerner said:

Early on in meditation I shot for emptiness, an empty mind.  These days, practicing closer to Dzoghen, I appreciate the emptiness around my thoughts.  I scratch, I squirm, I think, yet emptiness is still there.  I settle into it, yet even when I don't it's still there.  Sounds come and go, thoughts too, things in my visual field, come and go.  All in the vast space of consciousness, as long as I'm willing to let them go.  

 

I'm finding more solace in 'space' then in emptiness.   And in space, the thoughts and squirming are fine.. they settle down, back into space, where I swing like Tarzan, breath to breath.  

"Follow emptiness and you turn your back on it" -Faith in MInd poem

 

I don't feel compelled to discover emptiness, except for the fact that im naturally discovering it on an intellectual level thorugh conceptual understanding of my experiences. This makes me think it would provide me solace to spontaneous arrive at an understanding of it, or at least get a helpful framework to navigate the teaching of impermanence and nonself.

 

Right now I'm fluctuating between being in a emotionally expressive mood, a calm mood, and unsolicited harshness/anger/emotional rigidity. All moods should be related to skillfully. But I at least hope that after years of non-anger, I don''t have to spend too long subduing, embracing, letting go of the unsolicited anger. But i guess however it unfolds the most important thing is perseverance, patience, openness.

[TranquilTurmoil]

@thelerner at risk of reinforcing my "story", and for good emphasis about how I feel about believing in illusions in a spirit of optimism and attachment... here's Pheobe Bridgers