Chi and Social Atmosphere?

[kingfred]

Is there anything that can be done by a person to increase his communication skills. Would a compassion meditation also increase your ability to lighten a person's tense mood? how about be at ease and share conversation with new people? what would you do to help yourself with this? Without being specific, a loved human being gets caught in being stressed, angry, and frozen, when it's something as little as being pressed for time or caught up in housework. I'd like to call this hot temper, I want to use words to plant a seed in her heart, and than talk it's growth into flowering happiness. On spot Tonglen helps myself pull out of this nasty atmosphere, but i have not tools or way with words to help someone I care about, you have all helped me in the past and didn't think this was apart from The Way so I thank you for any offering.

[Birch]

Is there anything that can be done by a person to increase his communication skills. Would a compassion meditation also increase your ability to lighten a person's tense mood? how about be at ease and share conversation with new people? what would you do to help yourself with this? Without being specific, a loved human being gets caught in being stressed, angry, and frozen, when it's something as little as being pressed for time or caught up in housework. I'd like to call this hot temper, I want to use words to plant a seed in her heart, and than talk it's growth into flowering happiness. On spot Tonglen helps myself pull out of this nasty atmosphere, but i have not tools or way with words to help someone I care about, you have all helped me in the past and didn't think this was apart from The Way so I thank you for any offering.

 

My 2 cts:

I think that the idea that 'it's not about you' (i'd even remove the generic 'always' just because sometimes it is;-)) is an idea that brings about great shifts. In other words:

 

- you are entirely focussed on the other person and what they are saying and feeling.

 

- you truly listen to them, without thinking upon the moment about how that makes you feel (always doable after, anyway - actually often unavoidable ;-))

 

- your immediate and heartfelt goal is to understand them (rather than make your life easier, for example: because they will stop bitching about housework;-))

 

In my experience, it starts off being really hard work, but you might be surprised about how much benefit this brings you and (hopefully) other people.

 

BUT

 

Make sure that you are not neglecting yourself in practice. For that, alone and meditating seems a good way to gain strength to act. I reckon.

[mgd]

[freeform]

[kingfred]

we both are still caught in the ego. But we both believe that is why the world of coincidences brought us together the way it has, for every fault in her ego there is an equal and opposite fault in mine, thus we sometimes bring out the worst in eachother. She does unconditionally love me, but her self doesn't release negativity, even if she wants it to. You've all helped, i will understand where she is at and what's going on, and won't let myself be walked on in the process. any other advice?

[mgd]

[freeform]

[hagar]

Dealing with a conflict, be honest.

 

If that means having a good old bout, then have it.

People want to be seen, heard, acknowledged, and sometimes having a "hot temper" tend to reveal those needs, in a more or less adult way. It's never about the housework. It's always about basic stuff, like "do you understand me, do you recognize me, love me enough, see my situation" etc.

Not many people react positively towards a quiet, empatic listener who puts up a patient face towards their flaring temper. For many, that just fuels their fire.

 

Don't think happy thoughts, don't try to put yourself under, over or beyond the situation.

Get down and dirty, speak your heart, and reveal the consequences of the behavior this person has on her environment (you).

 

Forget about the Way. The Way is in the sound of a door getting slammed in your face if you try to escape the pain of conflict.

 

For me, this is by far the hardest thing I'd ever have to learn when it comes down to relationships.

 

Then again, sometimes, it's best to realize that you really cannot take on the responsibility of someone else's actions.

 

h

 

 

Is there anything that can be done by a person to increase his communication skills. Would a compassion meditation also increase your ability to lighten a person's tense mood? how about be at ease and share conversation with new people? what would you do to help yourself with this? Without being specific, a loved human being gets caught in being stressed, angry, and frozen, when it's something as little as being pressed for time or caught up in housework. I'd like to call this hot temper, I want to use words to plant a seed in her heart, and than talk it's growth into flowering happiness. On spot Tonglen helps myself pull out of this nasty atmosphere, but i have not tools or way with words to help someone I care about, you have all helped me in the past and didn't think this was apart from The Way so I thank you for any offering.

[doc benway]

Real, honest communication is difficult.

We basically function based on images created by our conditioning, experience, desires, fears, and so on...

I have an image of myself and I have an image of you - these images are, by definition, finite and imperfect and often very inaccurate.

So communication usually involves my image of myself interacting with my image of you - think about that for a while.

Once you see how that works, see if there is a way for you to drop the image...

It can be done - it involves a great deal of receptivity and opening up and mindfullness - it's very yin.

See if every moment you are with the other person can be as if it is the first time you've met. No preconceptions or assumptions. Just be with that person as fully as you can and see where that takes you.

That's what I'm working with in my relationships.

If you can drop the images and two people can really be with each other fully, with no assumptions or preconceptions or expectations, that's relationship...

Good luck!

[mgd]

[freeform]

<mgd>>>Does conflict arise when balance is lacking in a relationship?<<<>

 

It seems to me that there can never be an imbalance - imbalance is only ever percieved by the ego-mind. Steve's post above does such a wonderful job of explaining the nature of relationship.

 

We have the mind, the heart and the belly - they're like completely different dimensions always co-existing. Most people's awareness is stuck in the mind - the mind is the dimension of the ego - very limited, very finite, very over-worked and always seems to be in control. It's the part of us that perceives an illusory imbalance and then promises to be able to fix it (that's how it maintains control).

 

Both cultivation and relationship are about discovering more of the heart and more of the belly... The heart is to do with all sensations, emotions, feelings etc. - the belly is to do with everything - but not anything in specific.

 

Steve, in the post above, explains how we tend to relate on the level of the mind - but whether we notice it or not, we always communicate on the heart and belly level too.

 

We can use relationship as a mirror to cultivate a deeper relationship with these far bigger parts of ourselves... There is this other topic on 'transmission' - if we start to open up, people around us open up too.

 

Both cultivation and relationship are opportunities for 'discovery' - 'Discovery' is noticing what IS... The mind's game is making what IS somehow better - it happens automatically way before you ever notice... don't try to stop playing the game (this is more mind-game playing) but become aware of what's happening - watch your reactions in relationships - don't take things too seriously, soon you'll find yourself not buying into the mind's games, and there will be more room freed up for the heart and belly to come through...

 

by the way this is not advice just for you, but for me and everyone else too...

 

(here's just an example of a game we play with emotions - ever felt really angry with someone you love? I mean angry to the level of hating them?... Have you also ever felt real profound love for the same person at another time? -

the thing both this hate and love are the same - they're always there at the same time, it's just the mind conceals one side and reveals the other...)

 

Thanks for taking this deeper, mgd!

[mgd]