There Is Something Inside Me I Wish To Kill. Please Help Me!

[DreamBliss]

I have struggled with anger all my life. And I am not talking about "normal" kinds of anger. I am talking about anger stemming from suicidal depression, driving me in one of my worst examples to stand outside my family's house one night, on the gravel road there, holding a machete, ready to use it if anyone was stupid enough to come near.

 

I don't consider myself a violent person. I have never been in a fight or had any physical altercation with anyone except my brother, who had a special knack for lighting my fuse. I put up with a lot. I typically beat myself up and hurt myself. I have scars all over my body and my knees make strange grinding noises whenever I navigate a set of stairs. If I am violent, it is directed at me - I abuse myself. I mention this only because it got to a point, not long after this incident, that I decided to do something about it.

 

So I read some books on anger, and retained (though memory has faded substantially) some of the things I learned. I have to find that one book again and read it... But initially I followed the instructions in this book and that helped a lot. Later I found out about self-hypnosis and wrote a script for myself, that I ran many times, directing the energy of my anger to my creativity.

 

Now I just suffer from the occasional outburst. The problem is, whatever is triggering me remains outside my conscious awareness. I haven't been able to catch it in the act of happening to stop it. And it appears to have mated with, or mutated with, an aspect of myself I am referring to as my inner saboteur. Now maybe it was always this way and I have only recently become aware of it, because I have been focused so much in this area or something. Not sure.

 

It is this inner saboteur I want to kill. I want to destroy it. I want to chop it up into little pieces and burn them to ash! This #$%^&* is responsible for my totaling my Lexus and, more recently, breaking my brand new TV! Soon I am going to bed. I am exhausted. But when I get up I intend to write a blog post synthesizing what I have recently learned from Kyle Cease's, "The Illusion of Money" and "Stop Self-Sabotage" by Judy Ho. But I will attempt to outline a few things here...

 

I am fairly certain that, at some level outside my conscious awareness, I did not feel I deserved such a nice TV. I allowed myself to enjoy it for a month, then I took it away from myself. Never mind that I earned the money for it working hard to sell my parent's RV for them! With the Lexus I think a similar feeling was in place. What I think happened with the TV is a hard drive of mine failing to work was part of a trigger that set off my anger, and this self-sabotaging aspect of myself rode in on the energy of that anger.

 

From outside my conscious awareness it directed everything, including where I threw the hard drive. No accident of coincidence here - I absolutely refuse to believe that! My inner saboteur used this anger to cause me to throw my hard drive in the exact place needed to be sure it would bounce off and hit the screen of my TV. Everything from where I threw it to how hard - all those calculations - took place without my being aware of them. And that is why it must die!

 

My life sucks enough right now. I do not need to have the few nice things I posses to be taken away from me because I am currently unable to feel that I deserve them, that I am worthy of them! This thing infected the one time I manged to get out on my own and rent an apartment. It infected me when I went down to California to try yet again to get out on my own. It caused me either to not do certain necessary things, or ensured I would do things that would hurt me or cause me to fail.

 

I suspect an imbalance as mentioned in Judy Ho's book, towards avoidance and away from pleasure. It is an attempt to preserve some sort of status-quo, a level of "good" in my life I am comfortable with. If I could make all this garbage in me turn physical I would get a knife and cut it out! Sometimes I wish my problems would take physical form so I could derive some pleasure from beating them up. But it doesn't work that way.

 

I am here because I honestly have nowhere else to go. Sorry but that's the truth. I have no other community, or network, or group of friends, or even a single, physically close and readily available friend. I am completely and utterly alone. I am hoping for some insight here, preferably from someone who has gone through something similar and come out of it. I am looking for a book, or a video, or a process, or resources - something, anything that will help me end this pattern of behavior. Just erase it completely. Smooth the groove out of my mind. Pull me out of the rut.

 

Because I am determined to replace my new TV or fix it. Likely I will just replace it. But I am determined to have that replacement no later than Christmas this year. I will get it, whatever it takes. But once I have it I want to keep it. I do not want anything inside me to wake up, take control and cause it to be broken. Starting right now, in this moment, as I type this, I am done with self-sabotage. Never again will I break a possession of mine, give it away or allow it to be taken. Never again will I feel unworthy of nice things. I work like a dog and I deserve my treats! Please help me address this issue, in whatever way you can, even if all you can do is voice your support. I appreciate it.

 

Thank you.

Edited November 7, 2021 by DreamBliss

[silent thunder]

i have no answers to offer.

No indications of which way you should, or should not go...

 

But i empathize with you... and i hold space for you.

and i thank you for reaching out and unfolding this here...

 

 

[Daniel]

@Dreambliss,  Do you have any previous trauma?  Emotional, physical abuse in your childhood?

[Nungali]

5 hours ago, DreamBliss said:

I have struggled with anger all my life. And I am not talking about "normal" kinds of anger. I am talking about anger stemming from suicidal depression, driving me in one of my worst examples to stand outside my family's house one night, on the gravel road there, holding a machete, ready to use it if anyone was stupid enough to come near.

 

I don't consider myself a violent person. I have never been in a fight or had any physical altercation with anyone except my brother, who had a special knack for lighting my fuse. I put up with a lot. I typically beat myself up and hurt myself. I have scars all over my body and my knees make strange grinding noises whenever I navigate a set of stairs. If I am violent, it is directed at me - I abuse myself. I mention this only because it got to a point, not long after this incident, that I decided to do something about it.

 

So I read some books on anger, and retained (though memory has faded substantially) some of the things I learned. I have to find that one book again and read it... But initially I followed the instructions in this book and that helped a lot. Later I found out about self-hypnosis and wrote a script for myself, that I ran many times, directing the energy of my anger to my creativity.

 

Now I just suffer from the occasional outburst. The problem is, whatever is triggering me remains outside my conscious awareness. I haven't been able to catch it in the act of happening to stop it. And it appears to have mated with, or mutated with, an aspect of myself I am referring to as my inner saboteur. Now maybe it was always this way and I have only recently become aware of it, because I have been focused so much in this area or something. Not sure.

 

It is this inner saboteur I want to kill. I want to destroy it. I want to chop it up into little pieces and burn them to ash! This #$%^&* is responsible for my totaling my Lexus and, more recently, breaking my brand new TV! Soon I am going to bed. I am exhausted. But when I get up I intend to write a blog post synthesizing what I have recently learned from Kyle Cease's, "The Illusion of Money" and "Stop Self-Sabotage" by Judy Ho. But I will attempt to outline a few things here...

 

I am fairly certain that, at some level outside my conscious awareness, I did not feel I deserved such a nice TV. I allowed myself to enjoy it for a month, then I took it away from myself. Never mind that I earned the money for it working hard to sell my parent's RV for them! With the Lexus I think a similar feeling was in place. What I think happened with the TV is a hard drive of mine failing to work was part of a trigger that set off my anger, and this self-sabotaging aspect of myself rode in on the energy of that anger.

 

From outside my conscious awareness it directed everything, including where I threw the hard drive. No accident of coincidence here - I absolutely refuse to believe that! My inner saboteur used this anger to cause me to throw my hard drive in the exact place needed to be sure it would bounce off and hit the screen of my TV. Everything from where I threw it to how hard - all those calculations - took place without my being aware of them. And that is why it must die!

 

My life sucks enough right now. I do not need to have the few nice things I posses to be taken away from me because I am currently unable to feel that I deserve them, that I am worthy of them! This thing infected the one time I manged to get out on my own and rent an apartment. It infected me when I went down to California to try yet again to get out on my own. It caused me either to not do certain necessary things, or ensured I would do things that would hurt me or cause me to fail.

 

I suspect an imbalance as mentioned in Judy Ho's book, towards avoidance and away from pleasure. It is an attempt to preserve some sort of status-quo, a level of "good" in my life I am comfortable with. If I could make all this garbage in me turn physical I would get a knife and cut it out! Sometimes I wish my problems would take physical form so I could derive some pleasure from beating them up. But it doesn't work that way.

 

I am here because I honestly have nowhere else to go. Sorry but that's the truth. I have no other community, or network, or group of friends, or even a single, physically close and readily available friend. I am completely and utterly alone. I am hoping for some insight here, preferably from someone who has gone through something similar and come out of it. I am looking for a book, or a video, or a process, or resources - something, anything that will help me end this pattern of behavior. Just erase it completely. Smooth the groove out of my mind. Pull me out of the rut.

 

Because I am determined to replace my new TV or fix it. Likely I will just replace it. But I am determined to have that replacement no later than Christmas this year. I will get it, whatever it takes. But once I have it I want to keep it. I do not want anything inside me to wake up, take control and cause it to be broken. Starting right now, in this moment, as I type this, I am done with self-sabotage. Never again will I break a possession of mine, give it away or allow it to be taken. Never again will I feel unworthy of nice things. I work like a dog and I deserve my treats! Please help me address this issue, in whatever way you can, even if all you can do is voice your support. I appreciate it.

 

Thank you.

 

Hey there DB - good to hear from you . Been a while since we talked .  *  

 

I see you have done a LOT since last communications  (unless I missed some ) . Actually I was pleased to read that , in a way, you DID break out of your last  cycle that you seemed trapped in . However I was not pleased to read how you feel it turned out  - bummer .

 

Now, I sense a fierce determination and rebellion in you that I didnt before . Thats probably good , just needs some modification and direction . . . .  even if that determination is focused on getting a tv .  

 

I can understand the anger issues, especially when technology does not work ..... smashing something in a rage is a recipe for unwanted collateral damage  ( I would rather take it outside where it cant cause more trouble and calmly and calculated just smash the shit out of the ****er ) . 

 

I think you made a relevant observation about the trigger being outside your awareness .  I was writing the other day about how many things and processes are outside our awareness , and then 'bang'  ( or 'eureka!  )   they are delivered to consciousness .  Which means they are an unconscious process - so that is where you need to address them , in the unconscious .

 

This 'internal saboteur fellow'  , let's get a handle on him ;  one thing I have found during my lifelong researches and experiences , it doesn't matter whether we see these things as  a fractured part of our personality - a 'split ' ( that is trying to form its own separate identity ) , a 'possessing spirit' or a 'psychological complex' (see below)   - the thing is, no matter how one sees it, its dynamics and treatment are similar . So you can approach it however suits you the best . 

 

On a magical level, it is considered that we host a variety of 'spirits' that make up 'ourselves'   .... they should be 'helpful'  ,  they may be 'adversarial'  but should not be subversive or rebellious .  The 'person' or that  aspect of the self that is (supposed to be ) running the show ( the 'internal kingdom'  ) is the magician aspect of the self ; 'The wise King '  . A 'spirit' that is rebellious or harmful , and will not  reform , would have been traditionally (in magic) treated just as you say . It would be threatened with  " this inner saboteur I want to kill. I want to destroy it. I want to chop it up into little pieces and burn them to ash! "

 

Thats exactly the threat -  and later if the the threat is not heeded -   the action ;   in the ritual, the undesirable force is given a symbol or a sigil , that would be cut up, put in the  'punishment box' , suspended by chains over the candle on the altar and burnt to ashes .  There are also other elemental 'disposals' including  being drowned (ash dispersed in water  or air )  buried,  contained,  etc .

 

In my experience , this is a bit medieval ; from a time when people would seem prepared to do that to each other  !  Torture and punishment seemed to go hand in hand .  Its certainly not to be done in anger  or rage , or ... or repercussions , like with you tv , might occur . Its should be a cold and calculated process .  IMO its far better, if you can, to strive for and achieve integration  and reformation of the 'energy' where it can be re absorbed back into the  psyche as an integrated and healthy function .

 

At this stage, I won't go on about that , as  you might think this is all rubbish and  to go on would be wasting more of my time .   So lets go on to the psychological approach  ( the other way of communicating with unconscious forces).

 

  ' psychological complex'

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_(psychology)

 

"  Without resolution, complexes continue to exert unconscious, maladaptive influence on our thoughts, feelings, and behavior and keep us from achieving psychological integration ."

 

note specifically ;   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_(psychology)#Complexes_and_subpersonalities

 

I would highly recommend seeing a psychologist about this , a Jungian one if you can ,   they understand the process about healing and reintegration .

 

Some other points that might help ;  excessive / misdirected anger  can be related to liver malfunction. Do some good things to 'treat' your liver . A detox might assist .

 

Something happened , or someone  got in your head that gave you the idea (deep inside ) that you 'don't deserve' or are 'unworthy ' . That's total bullshit !  That's the root thing you need to smash ... or better still  - rip off its disguise ; its a projection of another on to you, its THE OTHERS fuck up and short comings, trying to  make them feel better or more powerful  - their 'plan' is, if you don't think you should have your share , they might be able to get it . So laugh at that and reject it , it is someone else's shortcomings projected on to you .

 

You said  " Sometimes I wish my problems would take physical form so I could derive some pleasure from beating them up. But it doesn't work that way. "  Well, sometimes it DOES work that way - in magic AND psychology , the idea is to make a symbolic representation of the energy, force or 'complex'  (as symbol is the language of the unconscious ) and deal with it through that symbol . But again, I prefer integration over destruction .

 

I note you ended you post with vows .   Good , that's a great start .  All that's lacking is some expertise in technique .... how to achieve those vows .  Fierce determination is great start though .

 

And yes, I DO give you full support ... otherwise I would not have bothered to make this post . 

 

I have personally found that troublesome  complexes / spirits   can  be integrated and that's when their good qualities and benefits can come out  - but one has to be 'king' and master of the internal domain . 

 

Like any domain  the King  needs to address  and transform rebellious  forces within the kingdom and shield it from outside invasions and projections that are harmful .

 

If DBs  ( Dao Bums that  is  -  not Dream Bliss )   is   the reason ;   " I am here because I honestly have nowhere else to go. Sorry but that's the truth. I have no other community, or network, or group of friends, or even a single, physically close and readily available friend. I am completely and utterly alone. "  - then DO stay in touch , keep us informed  ..... don' t stay away for so long .

 

*   PS ... and in case you missed my usual sense of humour :

 

 

 

[Nungali]

Here is some potentially interesting follow up

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_(psychology)#Complexes_and_subpersonalities

 

 [ -   Sometimes I feel I am 'possessed by'  the 'spirit'  of Cassandra    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cassandra_(metaphor)

 

I find this interesting ;

 

'  According to Bolen, the archetypes of Cassandra and Apollo are not gender-specific. She states that "women often find that a particular [male] god exists in them as well, just as I found that when I spoke about goddesses men could identify a part of themselves with a specific goddess. Gods and goddesses represent different qualities in the human psyche. The pantheon of Greek deities together, male and female, exist as archetypes in us all ... There are gods and goddesses in every person."

 

I am sure I am not the only male who has issues with Apollo archetypes !   

 

( Hmmmm ....  I just realised a play I recently finished writing addresses such issues directly  - even acting out the mythic roles about Apollo that I am most unhappy about  - although 'unconsciously' at the time .)

 

Gods, Goddesses,  'Spirits' , complexes ....  "  "syndrome", "complex", "phenomenon", "predicament", "dilemma", "curse" "  -   whatever .

 

This is the reasoning ( and the 'feeling' )   behind    mythological psychology   *   and that the mythic complexities and relationships can give us some insight into our own complexities . 

 

*   one example ;

 

https://www.amazon.com.au/Mythic-Astrology-Liz-Greene/dp/0671500945

[DreamBliss]

The laughter response is my response to the image you ended your reply with. Thank you for that! I needed the laugh, and you definitely provided some helpful insights.

 

I didn't get into writing that blog post today. I don't feel like doing much of anything right now. Maybe later.

 

The last time I left the forum it was because I had a disagreement with what the moderators would allow me to talk about or receive help with. But I have chosen to just let that go for now.

 

I am open to integration and process of that nature. I have Teal Swan's, "Completion Process" and Byron Katie's, "The Work", but just haven't been able to bring myself to work through them. I am well aware any energy coming from resistance, like anger or violence, will make whatever I am resisting stronger. But all I had when I started this thread was anger and violence. I am ready for a higher frequency/vibration way of dealing with this. I just want it to stop, and whichever way gets it done is fine by me. I have no preference other than it stops. So fire away with whatever you have.

 

Nice to see you are still around. Send me a PM, let me know how you have been faring through 2021 - the year most everyone wishes they could forget.

Edited November 8, 2021 by DreamBliss

[DreamBliss]

4 hours ago, Nungali said:

I would highly recommend seeing a psychologist about this , a Jungian one if you can ,   they understand the process about healing and reintegration .

 

If I could afford such a psychologist (assuming I could even find a good one within 1,000 miles of my location) I could afford to purchase a new TV!

 

Just a little of my old, snarky humor in case you missed it...

[DreamBliss]

7 hours ago, Daniel said:

@Dreambliss,  Do you have any previous trauma?  Emotional, physical abuse in your childhood?

 

I am not sure. I can not recall any specific instances of what would classically be called abuse. I do recall being spanked by my dad. My mom once, angry at me, tried to jab my leg with a pair of scissors. I moved out of the way and she ended up hurting herself. When I was a child my mom took out a belt and spanked me for not doing the dishes. And in grade school there was some sort of strange physical inspection of the children, girls separate from boys. But outright being beaten or raped or anything like that - as I said, not that I recall. Of course there is always the chance at things being repressed. But I am sure I would have dug it up by now.

 

Now as far as emotional trauma... How much emotional stress would one have to be under before it could be called traumatic? Could being suicidally depressed for half your life be considered emotional trauma? Or being laughed at in the face when you asked a girl to dance? Or being turned down when you offered to have sex with someone, who had made it clear they wanted to have sex, just not with you? How about watching someone you thought you were in love with being driven away, never to see them again? Or having 3 girlfriends when you were in the 2nd and 3rd grade, only to have them move away within a year? Would that be considered traumatic? How much can you be hurt before you can label it as emotional trauma? I am certainly curious...

 

Emotionally I am like the the shot-up carcass of an old car in the desert.. Full of holes, decaying and rusting away to nothingness.

Edited November 8, 2021 by DreamBliss

[doc benway]

Nice to see you DreamBliss,

I offer my ear and hope you find a bit of healing and refuge here.

🙏🏽

 

 

[Daniel]

14 hours ago, DreamBliss said:

 

I am not sure. I can not recall any specific instances of what would classically be called abuse. I do recall being spanked by my dad. My mom once, angry at me, tried to jab my leg with a pair of scissors. I moved out of the way and she ended up hurting herself. When I was a child my mom took out a belt and spanked me for not doing the dishes. And in grade school there was some sort of strange physical inspection of the children, girls separate from boys. But outright being beaten or raped or anything like that - as I said, not that I recall. Of course there is always the chance at things being repressed. But I am sure I would have dug it up by now.

 

Now as far as emotional trauma... How much emotional stress would one have to be under before it could be called traumatic? Could being suicidally depressed for half your life be considered emotional trauma? Or being laughed at in the face when you asked a girl to dance? Or being turned down when you offered to have sex with someone, who had made it clear they wanted to have sex, just not with you? How about watching someone you thought you were in love with being driven away, never to see them again? Or having 3 girlfriends when you were in the 2nd and 3rd grade, only to have them move away within a year? Would that be considered traumatic? How much can you be hurt before you can label it as emotional trauma? I am certainly curious...

 

Emotionally I am like the the shot-up carcass of an old car in the desert.. Full of holes, decaying and rusting away to nothingness.

 

The outburst of anger you reported in the OP could be a result of behavior modeled to you by your parents.  The other thing I'm noticing is that it seems like you don't feel in control of your life.  It's a lack of empowerment.  When people aren't empowered over their lives, it's natural to be angry about it.  Sometimes that anger gets bottled up, then is released suddenly and unexpectedly when confronted with a minor annoyance.  Does any of this match your situation?

 

Edit:  It may also be useful to note that irritability is a symptom of depression.

Edited November 8, 2021 by Daniel

[Nungali]

17 hours ago, DreamBliss said:

 

I am not sure. I can not recall any specific instances of what would classically be called abuse. I do recall being spanked by my dad. My mom once, angry at me, tried to jab my leg with a pair of scissors. I moved out of the way and she ended up hurting herself. When I was a child my mom took out a belt and spanked me for not doing the dishes. And in grade school there was some sort of strange physical inspection of the children, girls separate from boys. But outright being beaten or raped or anything like that - as I said, not that I recall. Of course there is always the chance at things being repressed. But I am sure I would have dug it up by now.

 

Now as far as emotional trauma... How much emotional stress would one have to be under before it could be called traumatic?

 

I think its more a question of  how any trauma effected someone and how they responded to it  and not so much the amount of 'emotional stress' .   I have a friend  who underwent a similar type of 'oppression' as I did at school - it really messed him up, but it just made me more rebellious and develop calculated ways to avoid it or triumph over it  - if I couldn't , I suppose I developed some type of heathy 'philosophy' about it . 

 

 

17 hours ago, DreamBliss said:

Could being suicidally depressed for half your life be considered emotional trauma? Or being laughed at in the face when you asked a girl to dance? Or being turned down when you offered to have sex with someone, who had made it clear they wanted to have sex, just not with you? How about watching someone you thought you were in love with being driven away, never to see them again? Or having 3 girlfriends when you were in the 2nd and 3rd grade, only to have them move away within a year? Would that be considered traumatic? How much can you be hurt before you can label it as emotional trauma? I am certainly curious...

 

I'd consider those things emotional trauma . Life is full of emotional trauma .   I would hope the girl laughed in your face because she was nervous about being asked to dance .... thats the sorta dumb  thing I used to do when I was young  - girls scared me !

 

"Oh God !   I NEED  some sex  !  "    -     " Ahem .... well, I am available . "      "  Ewww ... not with you ! "

 

- sounds like one of my bad jokes .   I used to get reactions like that .... until I got sick of it and started my own campaign  

 

Spoiler

like ; I used to really hate it when women would ask 'And what do you do ? "  Ready to judge you on what work you did or career you had  so I would ....

 

" Me ? Oh , I am a model ."

" You ?  .... What sort of model ? "

" Well, you know how they have those sex dolls for men ? Well, they wanted to make one for women too  and needed the perfect male body to model it on .... so they used me . "

 

or some other of the worst and  most failing 'pick up lines' ever  .... and watch them walk off incredulous

I mean , if ya gonna fail , may as well do it to the max 

 

17 hours ago, DreamBliss said:

 

Emotionally I am like the the shot-up carcass of an old car in the desert.. Full of holes, decaying and rusting away to nothingness.

 

Hmmm .... well, your creative imagery has certainly improved !

[DreamBliss]

@Nungali What? You sayin' my creative imagery was sub-par up to now?

@Daniel You might have something there.

@steve Thank you.

Edited November 9, 2021 by DreamBliss

[Nungali]

15 hours ago, DreamBliss said:

@Nungali What? You sayin' my creative imagery was sub-par up to now?

@Daniel You might have something there.

@steve Thank you.

 

No , I just dont remember  being struck by an image like that before  from your writing .

 

Do you still want to kill  this 'inside  saboteur '  off ?   If psychology is out that leaves magic .   

 

 

 

 

Or is it mostly about getting a new tv ?    If it is, its probably less trouble for me to send you the money for it  .

[natural]

38 minutes ago, Nungali said:

 

No , I just dont remember  being struck by an image like that before  from your writing .

 

Do you still want to kill  this 'inside  saboteur '  off ?   If psychology is out that leaves magic .   

 

 

 

 

Or is it mostly about getting a new tv ?    If it is, its probably less trouble for me to send you the money for it  .

 

I am happy to pitch in on the tv...

[Nintendao]

This may or may not be relevant, but looking back over the last year and a half, ever since i started skateboarding, i don't think I've felt the need to punch things, including myself, nearly as much as i used to. Maybe it's an adrenaline thing, the occasional wipeout onto various hard surfaces, or even just the threat thereof, tends to keep me in check. Really any physical activity might be of at least some help, especially if it's outdoors. Don't just pump iron or run a treadmill. I mean, maybe that's good for some people, but from what i've seen it can actually just create more pent up energy. Of course everyone's got different environment, schedule, resources, and inclinations, but there's always something. Even taking some time to dance to a good jam. Chop wood.

[Daniel]

+1 for chopping wood

[Bhathen]

Maybe something like gibberish meditation might help release pent up stuff

Quote

Do this meditation at least three hours after eating food. Total Duration: 30 minutes

Step 1: Duration: 10 minutes

Be in a standing posture. Shake the whole body from head to foot as if shaking a tree from the root. This awakens all your unused energy centers and makes the whole body fluid. Shake vigorously.

Step 2: Duration: 10 minutes

Sit down wherever you are. Whatever sound appears in your mind, just vocalize that sound. It should be like gibberish, not words. It may be hidden irritation, worry, or anger. If you carry these irritations in your system, it may imbalance your pitta, so let them out completely.

Step 3: Duration: 10 minutes

Sit silently and just be a witness. Don’t create, sustain, destroy or judge anything that rises in your mind.

 

Osho's dynamic meditation also is a easy way to release stored patterns, maybe start with 5 mins for each stage.

 

 

[DreamBliss]

Thank you for the generous offer, and for the link to the Osho meditation video. I always appreciated his teachings, and wished the folks who populate my general area would have accepted him instead of forcing him out.

 

I am not sure I am allowed to post this, so I guess if the link is still here the next time I check it was OK:

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/3RBL0MIOM3WN3/

 

That is my birthday/Christmas Amazon wish list, and either of those TVs (just need one of course) would meet my needs. I am basically using my TV as a computer monitor, and the larger screen makes it easier on me. I did my research, and these two are the highest rated to use as a computer monitor. I know the Universe will provide, one way or another. Or at least I will keep telling myself it will until I believe it completely.

 

Anyone read, "The Secret Code of Success" by Noah ST. John? If not, let me recommend you take a look. I am learning a lot from this author, including why affirmations and the usual "success steps" don't work.

 

As far as the subject of this thread, here is what I figured out before I cracked the aforementioned book:

https://blisswriter.wordpress.com/2021/11/08/11-8-2021-thoughts-on-self-sabotage/

 

Since writing that, been reading Noah ST John's book, and am just learning about Afformations. Instead of making a statement you don't believe like, "I Am Wealthy", which may register as false with you (and you know it does if in the back of your mind a little voice says, "Yeah, right!") you would figure out the negative question you always ask, likely, "Why am I always broke?" and turn that into a positive version, "Why am I wealthy?" That's the gist, read the book for more.

 

All I can say is I have been very dispirited for a few weeks now. You know I think ever since I broke my TV. Very discouraged, very unhappy - lots of aches and pains in the body. Hard to move, hard to think, coughing again, so likely on the path to getting sick. But I did the exercise; listed all the negative questions I am always asking myself, then listed the positive versions. Right after that I felt better. Don't know why, I just did. As I said I turned a corner - I sense something inside has changed or is changing.

 

In any case the inner saboteur is just self-sabotage, and that is coming from an imbalance between  seeking reward and avoiding threat. Or in the terminology of Noah St John, "My Why-Not-To's" are bigger than my, "Why-For-To's." I have this acceptable level of success, and I think there is more to it than that, but generally when this acceptable level is reached I sabotage myself. The new TV, before I broke it, was energizing me and helping me create my Minecraft videos. Had I continued on that path, I would have certainly had some success at YouTube. Unconsciously I would not allow that to happen. I have, up to this point, seen myself as a failure. Failure or failing is a part of my identity. Part of the story of my life. There is likely also fear, probably of success, at work here.

 

Now I ask myself, "Why Am I Successful?" and "Why Am I Enough?" as I attempt, yet again, to correct this unwanted unconscious programming. These old operating instructions no longer serve me, if they ever did. It is time for them to go. When they do, the fear leading to anger leading to the "Dark Side" of self-sabotage will also end. Or happen a LOT less!

 

I wonder how many pieces of equipment good 'ol Darth Vader broke?

Edited November 11, 2021 by DreamBliss

[manitou]

On 11/7/2021 at 1:30 PM, Nungali said:

This 'internal saboteur fellow'  , let's get a handle on him ;  one thing I have found during my lifelong researches and experiences , it doesn't matter whether we see these things as  a fractured part of our personality - a 'split ' ( that is trying to form its own separate identity ) , a 'possessing spirit' or a 'psychological complex' (see below)   - the thing is, no matter how one sees it, its dynamics and treatment are similar . So you can approach it however suits you the best . 

 

 

 

My roommate is a self-saboteur.  Tomorrow he is going into a detox.  Only for one week, I don't think it will do a thing for him.  I am the last house on the block for him.  He has nowhere else to go.  He was great for a long time - 2 years, in fact - but the old 'saboteur' has come back to haunt him.  He has been doing absolutely everything he can do to get kicked out of this house.  He is abusing his prescription meds, (snorting them, in fact),  spends all day sleeping, and when he is awake he is a zombie and slurs his words.   I do have a Plan B, and that will go into effect if there is not a serious change after this next week.   Which I don't think there will be.  There's no detox in the world that can fix him if he doesn't really want to be fixed.  Because one week is not long enough to find the self-saboteur.  He doesn't have the inner honesty to find him at this point.

 

When he was a kid, he got no attention at all from his dad.  He was a weird kid.  He rode a unicycle to school, for god's sake.  In order to get any attention at all, he had to act out in contrary ways - and this trend has apparently shown up his whole life.  Just when things are going great, he has to mess it up.  To prove to himself one more time that he is a real piece of work.  This is the same dynamic that my husband had, although through lengthy recovery (30 years in the AA program) he took an inventory of his personality disorders, tying them to memories that would emerge, and was able to conquer this beast, a little at a time.  He died an Enlightened one.

 

The only suggestion I can possibly make for anyone who has to act out like this, is to notice any little memory that may emerge into the consciousness at the time that this anger, and acting out, is happening.  I would guess that there is a little mental picture there - and it doesn't have to be anything big at all.  Sometimes the strangest little snippets of memory will appear, and it's actually strange that that particular snippet will have lasted so long, to make its continual appearance so much later in life.  But no doubt this little memory has reappeared over and over frequently, and it's for good reason.  That's when the snowball started rolling down the hill.  And now it's huge.

 

Once the memory is seen, it can be re-imprinted.  To the opposite direction.  My roommate's (Steve) memory always has to do with his dad ignoring him, or pushing him away.  If I were to do an imprint 'to the opposite' on him, I would have him picture me as his dad, and he would repeatedly run up to me (as a child) and I would hug him.  I would do this repeatedly until he felt the softening of his own heart.  I haven't done this because it hasn't been needed up to this point.  But now it is.  And that won't even work until he is willing to look at himself as he really is today.  He needs to SURRENDER.  A week in detox just isn't going to get it, I'm afraid.  And of course he found the shortest possible detox to stay in; and even at that, he was supposed to check in today, but argued with them about what time he should get there.  He still wants everything on his terms; obviously, he's not going to be able to grow under those conditions.  And the strange thing is that he has worked in the Betty Ford detox out here in the desert.  As a counselor.  He knows full well that no detox is going to let you come in willy-nilly at your own convenience.  That sets the stage for an unproductive week, right there.  So a friend and I are taking him tomorrow.  He can try this, but my hopes aren't high.

 

It takes a lot of courage to try and see ourselves as we really are.  None of us wants to think we're defective.  But we are.  It's just a question of degree.  When I first got sober 40 years ago, my sponsor told me to assume I had every character defect in the world.  That actually made it easy.  I wrote down every character defect I could think of (pride, jealousy, greed, arrogance, on and on....) and from that, I looked within - with fearless honesty - to see how much of it I had.  What an experience!  It did more for me than any spiritual book I've read over the years.  I got lighter and lighter as the years went on, and without having to react in a certain way (in my case, it was rebellion against every single thing someone told me - you couldn't tell me nuthin'.  And this is a practice that will last an entire lifetime, if we're serious about this.

 

Enlightenment can't be had unless and until we go within and remove these obstacles.  It's by removal of these things that the Real is found.  Not through the words of anyone else.  It's just an inside job, that's all.

 

As to Plan B, I will do it with as much kindness as I possibly can.  I will rent him a motel room for a month, paid in advance.  I will rent a storage room for a month, and hire someone to take his furniture and personal belongings there.  I will change the locks.  I will give him a couple hundred bucks, as he has none.  No more unemployment checks coming.  I will not be responding to calls or texts.  But this will give him a full month to figure out his situation.  I'm just not his mom, that's all.  The man is 65.

 

Oh, I'll attract 'em.  I've finally surrendered to the fact that I apparently have a savior complex and the really needy ones land on me like lint on a little black dress.  I'm 74, and if I haven't been able to lose this by now, I don't suppose it'll ever be different.

 

So...I have to have Plan B's.  That keeps me sane and on course.

 

 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2021 by manitou

[silent thunder]

Much love, respect and empathy my friend.

 

[DreamBliss]

OK, so a quick update... Well at least that is the intention...

 

Concerning my TV, I contacted a repair service, and the guy who stopped by decided to try to order a new panel under the warranty. Last I heard this all went through and he should have it today. He will be installing it on the 16th. So my TV will be repaired for little or no money.

 

On that note, my uncle gave everyone something he is calling a stimulus payment. So I do have money set aside if there are any unknown costs for this repair, or if I want to give the guy repairing my TV a little Christmas bonus, or if I need to buy a new TV for any reason. I will be updating my Amazon Wishlist accordingly.

 

If anyone has gotten together and bought me a new TV already, just PM me and let me know what you want me to do. If you tell me to keep the new TV from you, I may just sell my old new TV after it is repaired, and use the new new one instead. If you have ordered nothing for me, and didn't even pay attention to the link I posted, that's OK. Please release any negative feelings you may have around this, if you have any for any reason.

 

I give everyone here the best gift I can, and that is my appreciation and gratitude for you, as well as my desire for the highest and best for you and your loved ones this holiday season!

 

I often think that if in some other reality Santa Claus exists (maybe he is even in this reality - who knows?) that, lacking any serious amounts of money, the best I could do is ask Santa to deliver whatever it is you are desiring, however you are celebrating or not, because this year has been a motherf**cker, and we could all use a little Christmas Spirit. Or any kind of positive, uplifting spirit!

 

Concerning that aspect of myself that, could I get a knife and murder the bastard, I would, I am learning that the bastard only exists as long as I believe he does. In fact, I am learning that this whole quest I have been on to fix myself is a fruitless, worthless quest, because I am already perfect as I am, and I will only be imperfect in any area as long as I believe I am in any way lacking, coming up short, broken or in need to fixing. In other words, trying to fix myself perpetuates finding shit to fix! How's that for a mind bender? It is only your belief in your brokenness that creates, perpetuates and supports your brokenness. Let the belief go, and the rest of it is gone!

 

If I believe I am perfect as I am, it is easy for me to feel confident, to love and accept myself, to feel I fit in, to feel I am worthy, etc, etc. There is nothing to fix, here is your whole Dao system in one handy package... The work is already done. And the work continues, because the real work is learning to embrace and accept your inherent, natural state of perfection, despite everything in the world screaming at you otherwise.

 

Believe it or not I came to these realizations, or I woke up again to them, after reading and listening to Gary John Bishop's books. Here is a link, for those who do not know who this is: (Nungali will like this guy)

https://www.amazon.com/Gary-John-Bishop/e/B01M9F5EEN?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_9&qid=1639520180&sr=8-9

 

Dunno if I will be back here with an update before Christmas, but Happy Holidays everyone!

 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by DreamBliss