It starts with Chaos

[helpfuldemon]

Hi I just wanted to share some of my journey towards my current state.  I can't say I am in a happy place, but I feel enlightened and I wanted to share how I got there.  Back in my 20's I believed only in love, and that if you did everything with love, you were protected.  This was fine for a long time, but then a few things happened that made me realize that the world was more than love.  

 

I found myself believing, rather naively, that the world was in perfect order, but then I thought "No!  It's all Chaos!"  and that is when things started to happen to me that I have mentioned elsewhere on this forum.  The reason I say it starts with Chaos is that I believe any serious contemplation must begin here.  One has to examine what they believe to be disorder and confront it, to decide if it is indeed out of line with order.  We do this because I believe that we want to live in harmony with life and society.  At first I found that there were many things that did not sit well with my sense of order, that is when I found Thelema, and learned about Chaos Magick.  It took a long time to understand the motto "Everything is allowed, nothing is forbidden".  That is when I realized that there was no such thing as Chaos as a force of randomness; everything has a reason, even if that reason is to do something completely random.  This helped me to understand and be at peace with life and the goings on of nature and people.  I then realized that everything is, and everything has it's consequences.  There are things that we do that cause turmoil, it is not Chaos, it is destruction and depravity.  Chaos is the fact that the world has free will, and that nature flows unbounded and unhindered by mankind.  Chaos is not destruction, but because we have liberty, and nature is unbounded, there can be destruction.  

 

So what makes me feel that I am enlightened, you may ask?  Well, because I have thought through the options of life, and confronted nature on her own terms, and realized that mankind will do what they feel they will do, I am at peace in knowing that this is the order of life.  I am not okay with some things, and a lot of times I despair at the dangers of such a truth, but for the most part I am one with life and it's actions.  I have also become a creature of no-thought and no-will.  I do not desire, partly because I have been ravaged, and cannot acquire anything, partly because I am silent, and find no interest in most activity.  

 

I want to say that I don't think this is the way to live.  I think desire is good, and that life needs people that want and do, so that our evolution can continue.  Where I am is not for everyone.  They say that when you realize this peace that you become a king of compassion, but I do not feel especially concerned for life anymore, I was definitely more compassionate before.  I no longer feel emotions with my body, but in my heart lies a great love and concern for life.  I would not say that I am not compassionate, it is just that I accept that people make choices and get the result of their actions.  I am not overly concerned; I am not seeking moments of aiding people.  I help when it crosses my path.  I think that to be at peace and to feel loving kindness for all life requires a special mindset, and while I feel that way, I realize that not everyone is capable of receiving love.  I do give love, but it is not overly generous or proactive.  I am mostly a silent observer, witnessing the goings on of the wild natures in people.  I do not judge them unworthy of my love or their life, I simply witness their activity and participate to the extent that I will.  Even though I have little ego, they still do, and it is their ego that leads them to their actions, and for that there will be a result.

[helpfuldemon]

Now that I have travelled over all of my thoughts, and formed my opinion on life and morality and nature, I find myself with no-mind.  I don't put anything into my brain anymore for fear of confusing my condition, but more than that, I don't think I need to think any more.  I live my life in a frugal, solitary way.  I was so obsessed with finding "the truth" that now that I have it, it seems like the rest of the world is a bore.  I don't read and I don't watch television or movies.  I also no longer listen to music like I once did.  I don't feel any joy or desire or lust, about the only thing I can say I do is dwell upon nature and all her power, and grieve at how vulnerable we are.