Practice/Cultivation and Romantic Compatibility

[Bluesky]

Hi all,

 

It would be great to get other peoples' perspectives on the topic of romantic compatibility and how that fits in with one's devotion to practice/cultivation, and perhaps even to one's broader devotion to the divine.

 

As I'm sure many of you can understand, being a seeker or being devoted to a spiritual path can, at times, make it harder to completely relate to people who aren't on a path/share those values. Earlier on it was a bit harder for me, but things got better as I learned more and integrated this dimension into my life (living in this world, but not of this world). And fortunately, I've found that there are many people out there who do understand.

 

But when it comes to compatibility with a partner, I am wondering how important it is that my partner is on a similar path as me. It would be nice to be able to share this whole other world with a life partner as opposed to having this other dimension of your life that they can't fully understand and appreciate.

And in the case where they do understand your beliefs but don't share in your beliefs, it can lead to the two of you operating from different frameworks - for example, when one understands that their existence is part of a much bigger whole, certain daily life matters become more trivial.. being kind in the face of ignorance becomes a bit easier.. which can be incompatible with someone who is operating from a self-centered framework.

 

Also, I would imagine that it would allow for a smoother partnership over the long run, since one's path may include hours of daily practice, retreats, particular social circles, devoting time for others (kindness and servitude).. so a partner should at the very least be understanding of your commitments, so as to not cause issues with expectations, but ideally they could be a part of that lifestyle and build synergistically.

 

And lastly, I imagine that as we progress on the path, we change for the better, and that change can effect our values, perspectives, character, priorities.. which could lead to a growing apart from one's partner in some ways. Or perhaps, one's positive change may be hindered by their partner's lack of change in that direction. 

 

I've found that earlier on in relationships/marriages, couples discount certain incompatibilities because they want to make the relationship work. Ignorance is bliss. But eventually the incompatibilities are unavoidable, so ideally there can be wisdom and honesty earlier on.

 

I know its subjective, and different combinations work for different people! But this is my thinking thus far, but I would love to hear what others think and have experienced.

 

Thanks 

Edited January 13, 2023 by Bluesky

[-ꦥꦏ꧀ ꦱꦠꦿꦶꦪꦺꦴ-]

Just don’t over think it, practice for yourself. If your partner wants to practice with you, it’s a bonus. 

[liminal_luke]

I think everybody is on "the path" just by virtue of being alive.  Some people give their path a name like "Buddhism" or "Yoga."  Others are more understated, sometimes because they don't think of themselves as spiritual (even though they are!), sometimes simply because they prefer privacy.  Often there's little correlation between how spiritual a person professes to be and their actual level of spirituality (assuming such a thing can be measured).  You might initially feel delighted with a partner who holds certain beliefs and spends time going to retreats or sangha potlucks, only to find out later that his spiritual life isn't all that.  Conversely, another potential partner may recoil at the thought of setting foot in an esoteric bookstore, yet live a life of kindness and service.  

 

While it's useful to think about the characteristics we want and don't want in a partner, sometimes ya gotta put down the checklist and simply sense into what it's like to be across the table from your date.

Edited January 11, 2023 by liminal_luke

[freeform]

The main thing to focus on, in my opinion is the practicalities…

 

For me I've always had to explain the practical aspects of what it’s like to be with me…

 

Just as I imagine an Olympic sportsperson or a CEO would have to explain the various lifestyle issues that come with these endeavours.

 

Choosing the right person on the other hand is a different matter. As @liminal_luke says - don’t look for similarities or certain outer ‘signs’… just go with that deeper level of intuition. Because appearances can be deceptive.

 

And I would say never try to convince a partner to do any practice or anything like that. Just as @Pak_Satrio - do your own thing… they may want to join or they may not… it’s not important. In some ways it’s better that they don’t (in other ways it’s better that they do - it’s a net neutral overall)

 

The reality is that as you change internally (particularly with energetic sort of practice), your partner is likely to change along with you - it’s kinda unavoidable (and may need some explanation down the line).