New Age Translations

[Nahfets]

 

New Age Translations 

 

“1: To 'hold space' for someone = To sit and stare at someone with emotional issues for an uncomfortable amount of time, then pat yourself on the back for basically doing nothing while your homie has a breakdown.

 

2: I'm in transition = I'm unemployed and totally fucking lost, so I have created an identity out of being an opportunist. Maybe you have some trim work for me, or food? Or a trade? I do crystal readings!

 

3: I'm processing a lot of downloads from the Universe = I smoked too much DMT and can’t afford therapy. By pretending that my fragile brain is a sacred record keeper, I receive validation for speaking gibberish.

 

4: I'm a light worker/empath = I am depressed and unstable and take zero responsibility for my own self-destructive tendencies, and need to focus on condescending your dark shit to avoid my own. (PS: I'll diagnose you as a narcissist)

 

5: I am a Reiki Master= I crave human contact, And this makes me feel less insecure than Tinder. I can cross personal physical boundaries with ease if I so choose, depending on what my client looks like, or I can think about random things while getting paid handsomely to hold my hands awkwardly over someone’s body.

 

6: You have an amazing Aura = I would love to bang you.

 

7: I am writing a travel blog = I don't want to go home, I no longer fit in: I never have. I don't know where I will end up, but I’d like to get paid to figure it out.

 

8: I'm not looking for a relationship/ only deep soul connections = I have commitment issues and fear of intimacy so I collect partners with compatible insecurities. I understand you will head off to Thailand soon anyways. “Bread-crumbing my love keeps me safe” is my mantra, while I dip my dick like a candlestick in every shanti ratchet priestess in town.

 

9: Inner Goddess within workshops = An understanding of daddy Issues and a way to overdevelop the masculine side to protect the little girl within. Helping participants to surrender to the bias that all men are shit ( all of this for a nominal fee). The level 2 masterclass will teach you how to galactivate your man’s scrotum chakra enough to make him forget that you pay for bullshit workshops with his harvest money.

 

10: A guru = Someone who has overstepped the threshold of self-development into supreme egotism and found a niche market. Carries a flute and has a name you cant pronounce (though his drivers license says Steve) and chants words he doesn’t understand. But interesting tattoos...right?

 

11: A shaman = see above.

 

12: I’m going natural: = My life’s a mess, and my apartment looks worse than most festivalgrounds, so I will pretend that sporting a monobrow or not showering or shaving is my conscious choice, and not just to randomly make people ask me or uncomfortable, so I can get triggered and pretend, getting mad, is not a relief from focusing on the clusterfuck of daily habits I can’t seem to get a grip on.

 

13: Worshipping the Beloved = Classic scenario where a cluster B personality type convinces you at a festival that you are their twin flame, lost for centuries in the ether. If you have never been loved by your primary caregivers, this is paradise on earth as your fear of abandonment gets spanked with a mala on the magical, mystery tour of self-deception.

 

14: In the flow = I never commit to anything, especially plans to do anything with anyone, so that I can completely flake out and not take any responsibility for it; ie I didn’t pay my phone bill this month.

 

15: Co-creating a retreat/gathering = my borderline personality friends and I have exhausted all other means of making an honest income, and have decided instead to use our social media clout (aka naked buttcheeks) to radically overcharge a too-large group of saps for 2-14 days of mediocre vegan food, awkward group encounters, and real-world-style sexual politics.

 

16: Substance Free Event = Powder drugs are fine but if you bring alcohol, we’ll judge the shit out of you. Tobacco’s cool if you snort it and call it "ceremony" or roll your own.

 

17: Cacao-ceremony = By speaking gibberish like “theobromine is a heartopening molecule, and it’s actually pronounced ‘karkauw” I get to experience the joy of pretending I know jack about plant-medicine, without the responsibility of actually guiding people on mindaltering substances. I will need for you to do ecstatic dances and loud groaning to make it appear as if someone is actually getting high. Also please buy my very sacred unique cacao, totes it's not full of cadmium and lead. 

 

18: Speaking My Truth = I reserve the right to be an asshole in this conversation and you must honor it, regardless how deep my delusion may be. I’ll probably use this phrase every time I don’t want to be called out for my phony bullshit, because it’s all perspective man.

 

I didn't write this, but copy-pasted it from a copy-pasted person and you will probably copy-paste it from me because it is brilliant.”

 

 

Edited May 8, 2023 by Nahfets

[Nungali]

Should I show this to the local 'rainbow tribe ' ? 

[Nahfets]

I'm sure it would spout an existential crisis or two, some of them might need one to develop further, so you'd kinda be doing them a favor, right?

Edited May 9, 2023 by Nahfets

[Nungali]

But ... what are they going to develop in .... where do they go from there ?   They dont really have anything else , or anything else they do encounter is a modern new age form of it .

 

I mean ... what a hopeless situation !   I cant conceive where else they can go from there . They certainly are not cut out to encounter the real or original sources of the things they 'play at'  .   And a lot of their stuff does not make sense on even the most basic levels *  ,  AND they dont seem to realize that , or even care about that .  

 

*  eg.  I go along to ( cause a friend asked me to come ) a 'teepee gathering ' * *  . The ' focaliser '  is sitting at the head of a circle , and occasionally betas on a 'shaman drum' , encouraging all to 'be in the present , forget about the past , forget about the future be in the now . Now .... go around and each one say what they want for the next coming year . "

 

I am sitting there , dunbfounded , yet no one else seems to realize what just happened .  ... and the shit some of those people said !  which had nothing to do with either being in the moment or projecting a year ahead .

 

It came my turn , what a cute 'koan situation'  the 'focaliser' had created for me  .  There could only be one answer that fulfilled both requirements .

 

" I hope to be sitting in this teepee for a year , being 'in the moment'  .  Of course I got looks of incomprehension , all round .

 

- back to the hermitage !

 

 

[Nungali]

** and why teepee and all this Amerindian stuff ? They are mostly Euro stock with a variety of their own  'blood traditions'  to explore , and live in  one of the most ancient and primeval  places on Earth with some of the oldest indigenous traditions .

[old3bob]

well at least (most of them I imagine)  are not following the teachings of  a co-opting quasi-spiritual charlatan of grossly twisted sex and drug addictions along with wanting to be a sorcerer, AKA  A. Crowley.