Psychotic behavior resulting from occult study.

[Daniel]

5 hours ago, Cadcam said:

I am feeling better, thank you all for your thoughts and concern. I don't have anyone I can vent these things to. 

 

You're very welcome.  One of the nice things about venting here, among the daobums, is that we have a head-start understanding what you are going through.  It's great to have a Dr.  It's great to have a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist/etc...  But I've found that many people appreciate venting to people who already understand much of what they are saying.  It's a lot easier this way for the individual to vent when they do not need to explain each and every concept to someone who may very well not appreciate phenomena which exist beyond materialism.

[Cadcam]

16 hours ago, Nungali said:

 

Treasure and 'extend this moment'  . 

It's hard to do. I can't walk very far, and I don't like doing much. Mostly I just have to lay here.

[liminal_luke]

17 hours ago, Cadcam said:

I am feeling better, thank you all for your thoughts and concern. I don't have anyone I can vent these things to. 

 

Thank you for venting!  I usually feel better when I share my thoughts and feelings with others, so I think it´s great that you´ve done so here.  I hope that the forum can continue to be a good place for you to vent if you´d like to in the future.

[Cadcam]

It's tough, because I always believed that there would be some final, good outcome from my delusions and suffering, that it had a purpose. I see now that it does not,  that it was just my descent into madness, which has led me through the existential crisis of expectation and belief to dismissal of reason and faith. I see now that individual life is like a short lived bubble on the river of time. 

[Nungali]

49 minutes ago, Cadcam said:

It's tough, because I always believed that there would be some final, good outcome from my delusions and suffering, that it had a purpose. I see now that it does not,  that it was just my descent into madness, which has led me through the existential crisis of expectation and belief to dismissal of reason and faith.

 

But your story is not over yet .  Many times in my life it seemed that  something had no purpose and was fraught with delusion, yet later its significance was revealed .

 

I see now that individual life is like a short lived bubble on the river of time. 

 

So it seems . . .     so far . 

 

[Cadcam]

I'm finally doing well. As I improve, I can look back at all the damage and pain, and can measure my now and say I am much better.  Thanks everyone

[DBT]

It is great news the episodes are over. Now is the time to let go. When you get to the end of a book, close the book. Leave it closed.

[Cadcam]

Now that my meds have taken hold, I'm stable. It's been about 4 months of normalcy, thankfully.  I can't believe how insane I became.

[Neirong]

On 08.07.2024 at 2:13 AM, Cadcam said:

Eventually these fantasies would break, and I'd wind up in a deep depression. This has been going on for 20 plus years, and after this last psychosis, I think I have broken this curse, because all of the ideas and experiences culminated in a total breakdown.

It is good that people come out and write about their experiences like this. Self-learning and self-initiating, paired with reading random books, is a recipe for disaster, especially when the topic of study is occult and magic.

[Cadcam]

Things in my head have been quiet for about 5 months now. I no longer think really, nothing deep or complex at least. I look back at my madness and wonder how it got so complicated and terrifying. I no longer have a use for philosophy.  The world simply is. 

[Nungali]

Thanks for the feedback , its encouraging .

 

Thing is , a young chap I know has just started this difficult journey . he only went onto meds a few days back , but there is difficulty with them giving him the right ones .  His mother is absolutely distraught about it . I am going to share your recent statements with her , to give her hope .

[Cadcam]

Lately I've been dwelling on the insignificance of my existence.  It's not as if I thought I was more important than others, but going through hallucinations and psychosis has a way of making one feel immediate and elevated purpose and meaning. 8 billion people, more than that dead in the past... little Ole me.... it's humbling, and I see the futility of a lot of actions and behaviors. 

[stirling]

5 minutes ago, Cadcam said:

Lately I've been dwelling on the insignificance of my existence.  It's not as if I thought I was more important than others, but going through hallucinations and psychosis has a way of making one feel immediate and elevated purpose and meaning. 8 billion people, more than that dead in the past... little Ole me.... it's humbling, and I see the futility of a lot of actions and behaviors. 

 

What matters is our intention, and how to respond. You think of your contribution as futile, but you should consider trying this experiment:

 

For a week, cultivate an attitude of wishing every being and object you encounter well. Have hopes that they feel loved, and safe. Think of all of them as innocent. When you encounter others, greet them with a broad, REAL smile. Wave to strangers, and be ready to help people with their groceries. Watch what happens when you do this at a store, or on the street. Watch people with scowls spontaneously match your smile and attitude and walk off sharing it with others. 

 

Yes, we are only a small part of the universe, but our ability to impact is it actually outsized. Your love and kindness, your smile, could travel miles and make it through hundreds of people. What impact does a smile have? How do you feel when someone smiles or waves you on? What happens to your anger? This little piece of magic is what I find most humbling.

[Cadcam]

I also dwell on the fact that my emotional awareness and actions won't change things. Suicidal thoughts, grieving; won't change anything, things will still be what they are. Again, it's not like I do these things to make a difference, as if I'm more special,  but this awareness helps me to be calm.

[stirling]

57 minutes ago, Cadcam said:

Suicidal thoughts, grieving; won't change anything, things will still be what they are. Again, it's not like I do these things to make a difference, as if I'm more special,  but this awareness helps me to be calm.

 

Actually, how you respond ALWAYS matters. If you respond to the input of the world with depression, anxiety, etc. that will be your experience of the world. It may as well BE the world. A thief, for example, ends up being someone who is always worried about the security of their things. Our behavior informs our world-view, in my experience, so it is worth adopting and experimenting with different world-views. 

[Sir Darius the Clairvoyent]

8 hours ago, stirling said:

 

What matters is our intention, and how to respond. You think of your contribution as futile, but you should consider trying this experiment:

 

For a week, cultivate an attitude of wishing every being and object you encounter well. Have hopes that they feel loved, and safe. Think of all of them as innocent. When you encounter others, greet them with a broad, REAL smile. Wave to strangers, and be ready to help people with their groceries. Watch what happens when you do this at a store, or on the street. Watch people with scowls spontaneously match your smile and attitude and walk off sharing it with others. 

 

Yes, we are only a small part of the universe, but our ability to impact is it actually outsized. Your love and kindness, your smile, could travel miles and make it through hundreds of people. What impact does a smile have? How do you feel when someone smiles or waves you on? What happens to your anger? This little piece of magic is what I find most humbling.

But at anger has it place, no?

[Nungali]

[Sir Darius the Clairvoyent]

7 minutes ago, Nungali said:

I mean, sometimes you gotta tell people clearly they are out of line. First by hinting etc. but if you get nowhere… I mean, I you got a little angry when lectured in Hebrew, didn’t you ahaha.

 

But I don’t want to hijack this thread, as it is a very personal one. Wish you the best @Cadcam

[Nungali]

35 minutes ago, Sir Darius the Clairvoyent said:

I mean, sometimes you gotta tell people clearly they are out of line.

 

Well, one can be centered , calm stable and absolutely  subtly menacing ... I found that works a lot better . 

 

 

First by hinting etc. but if you get nowhere… I mean, I you got a little angry when lectured in Hebrew, didn’t you ahaha.

 

Eh ?   When was this ?   I dont believe I have ever been 'lectured in Hebrew '   ... actually, I am not even sure what that means ? 

 

 

But I don’t want to hijack this thread, as it is a very personal one. Wish you the best @Cadcam

 

[Sir Darius the Clairvoyent]

Just now, Nungali said:

Eh ?   When was this ?   I dont believe I have ever been 'lectured in Hebrew '   ... actually, I am not even sure what that means ? 

You’re daobum nemesis.

[Nungali]

Which one ?  I got over 20,000 posts ya know  !

[Sir Darius the Clairvoyent]

Just now, Nungali said:

Which one ?  I got over 20,000 posts ya know  !

Come ooon , I’ll pm you

[stirling]

5 hours ago, Sir Darius the Clairvoyent said:

But at anger has it place, no?

 

The primary feelings that arise are fear and love. Anger is contraction, love is openness. Anger comes from fear. Anger naturally arises and passes until there is no resistance to the reality of things as they are, meaning that there is no further contraction.

[Nungali]

16 hours ago, Sir Darius the Clairvoyent said:

Come ooon , I’ll pm you

 

Nope .  You 'advertised it here ' ( with a laugh )  , I want to know what you meant by   " you got a little angry when lectured in Hebrew, didn’t you ahaha. "

 

If you mean Daniel  and if you think I got angry at him because he 'lectured me in Hebrew '  well then .....  you really where NOT aware of what was going on  - even though I wrote it out very clearly numerous times .   The same thing in essence and 'style' occurred between him and other posters , including more than one Mod. Then he got banned for it .

 

You didnt think he got banned for  'making me angry because I got lectured in Hebrew  '    did you ?   ... and I still dont know what you meant by that ?

 

[Cobie]

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Edited January 10 by Cobie