Is talking to air or hugging an empty pillow consider obstruction to the soul from moving on

[dontknwmucboutanythng]

Hello,

 

In some tradition, one  is supposed to suppress emotion for 49 days after loved one passes away.  Is casual talking (good morning, I did this today, etc) to the air or hugging an empty pillow prevents the soul from moving on?

 

Thanks again.

[forestofclarity]

11 minutes ago, dontknwmucboutanythng said:

Hello,

 

In some tradition, one  is supposed to suppress emotion for 49 days after loved one passes away.  Is casual talking (good morning, I did this today, etc) to the air or hugging an empty pillow prevents the soul from moving on?

 

Thanks again.

 

Sorry for your loss. 

 

No. I think you're referring to the Bardo period in Tibetan Buddhism. I would suggest not suppressing your emotions. Allow yourself to grieve. When the time is right, you might find there is a inner, often heart centered release and you are able to request the person to move on. Sometimes there are rituals that can help this process of release. Typically, we are advised against speaking negatively about some one during this period. 

[Emaciated Ascetic]

Relationships with anyone don't seem to keep them anywhere. If my eyes and my world did something to the people who are alive around me, then I would have no need for intelligence.

If by suppressing emotion, I think there is benefit. A spring of immortal essence or feelings that do not fade. Some people need the effort for that to happen, or just something to keep their minds on. I beg effort even though it is my own, that it follow on some groove or catch along and I curse it the same when the collection of happiness reaches happiness again.

The stress of psychic relationships is that people are visible anywhere; things don't stop and the need for activity/personal awakeness becomes like a responsibility; thankfully I am an Ascetic and responsibility is very sweet. Sometimes things change, Ascetics take another vow for fear of intruding on little pleasures or things somewhat might enjoy so far away. I am hostile to everyone, but if someone could find where I see people are I would be beyond terrified and tread fearfully in worship. In some sense, I don't understand the agony of a fleshy loveliness or pleasure. Sorrow becomes sweet and sadness becomes its trilogy.

I do not remember it, but the loveliest story I heard in the world is an Ascetic meditating, strung from a tree and upside down with their head pointing towards the ground. The Creator appears before them, and the Ascetic asks for his boon: To be reborn an Emperor and live the length of seven lives in the treasury of palace. What an oddity when nothing changes, the Creator obviously cruel or imaginary in my retreat but the Ascetic not seeming to care at all, unfazed by what they asked for but still having deep wish for how it is received even in their impassivity. Somehow such a wise man being so obviously unwise.

Letting go and pushing towards what the world says things look like sometimes feels more healthy, but health flips like grass catching dew in the morning. I admit, the various psychosomatic illnesses become like a blessing. The hearing of ones voice or motion. How hearts freeze in the Psychic sea, the uneary depths with some things seem so far apart and make it seem possible. But responsibility alone even is pleasant, such a flower I can't bear wilt by my inactivity. It's just odd when it doesn't, I don't feel relief or I'm not sure.

Ignorance makes anything possible, it is the joy of a light that never fades. And Immortality is easily possible by attention alone even. What's left, my only disgust seeming to be that I become some twisted form of Mother in my reproach at sadness and collection of lust. That is all I know that makes which steps seem sensible, knowing that I should not be my Mother; it is a dreadful apocalypse for a Man to know this feeling.

 

Edited Monday at 03:55 PM by Emaciated Ascetic

[stirling]

1 hour ago, dontknwmucboutanythng said:

Hello,

 

In some tradition, one  is supposed to suppress emotion for 49 days after loved one passes away.  Is casual talking (good morning, I did this today, etc) to the air or hugging an empty pillow prevents the soul from moving on?

 

Thanks again.

 

So sorry to hear about your loss. My suggestion would be to bring to mind happy experiences and loving thoughts about your time together, if you are able. Let them know how grateful you were to have shared your life with them, but ALSO let them know it is fine to move on and that you will be fine. Your goal should be to avoid giving them a reason to cling to life, and make it OK to let go. 

[liminal_luke]

I would allow yourself to grieve.  Grieving is a process and the way to get through it is to allow the process to proceed; suppressing emotion will just prolong the suffering unnecessarily.  We´re meant to miss the ones we love.  We´ll likely always miss loved ones but as grief proceeds we also get to a place of acceptance and letting go.  Let yourself feel what you feel.

[Shadow_self]

7 minutes ago, stirling said:

 

So sorry to hear about your loss. My suggestion would be to bring to mind happy experiences and loving thoughts about your time together, if you are able. Let them know how grateful you were to have shared your life with them, but ALSO let them know it is fine to move on and that you will be fine. Your goal should be to avoid giving them a reason to cling to life, and make it OK to let go. 

 

Based on a recent experience I had that, where i was beside a  loved one in their dying moments, I could see and feel what was happening (and some other stuff id rather not detail too much)

 

It's left an impact on me that i cant quite describe.

 

Only to say that Im not sure we are supposed to naturally feel this before our time

 

But based on this, I 100% agree with you. Clinging is the one thing you would like to discourge at all costs.

 

2 hours ago, dontknwmucboutanythng said:

Hello,

 

In some tradition, one  is supposed to suppress emotion for 49 days after loved one passes away.  Is casual talking (good morning, I did this today, etc) to the air or hugging an empty pillow prevents the soul from moving on?

 

Thanks again.

 

The grieving process is one unusual experience, especially when its someone close to us.

 

The most natural loss is a parent or elder loved one, and its often illness

 

Would this be the case here (if you dont mind me asking)? Feel free not to answer  

 

@stirlingadvice is solid  though . Focus on gratitude, direct it towards them gently and avoid anything that might encourage clinging,

 

Also light a candle, it will help more than you realise

 

[liminal_luke]

1 hour ago, Shadow_self said:

 

Also light a candle, it will help more than you realise

 

 

In Mexico it´s very common to light a candle and place it next to a picture of the person.  I did this when my nephew died and found it very meaningful.  

[Master Logray]

I think the question is asking for the maximum period for suppression of grieve, say 49 days, not forever.  Thereafter he can do whatever he thinks appropriate.   If I am not wrong, Taoist or Chinese Folk religion is about .. an hour?  when spirits pass through to another realm (if they cling on, it is another issue).  I would suggest leave a day or max 3 days to be safe in case there are some unexpected on the journey. 

 

Note: They come back on the 7th night to see you and leave forever.  Yet they have some sort of "telescope platform" to view this world, not 2 ways.

[stirling]

1 hour ago, liminal_luke said:

I would allow yourself to grieve.  Grieving is a process and the way to get through it is to allow the process to proceed; suppressing emotion will just prolong the suffering unnecessarily.  We´re meant to miss the ones we love.  We´ll likely always miss loved ones but as grief proceeds we also get to a place of acceptance and letting go.  Let yourself feel what you feel.

 

Good point, Luke.

 

I agree. I wouldn't suggest suppression either... more just an intention and inclination to be of service to the one who has passed away. My experience is that it has been possible to channel my grief into love, compassion and kindness for the one who has passed, rather than toward a more common absorption into personal loss. I recognized that this may not make sense, or be possible for everyone. 

[Shadow_self]

30 minutes ago, stirling said:

 

Good point, Luke.

 

I agree. I wouldn't suggest suppression either... more just an intention and inclination to be of service to the one who has passed away. My experience is that it has been possible to channel my grief into love, compassion and kindness for the one who has passed, rather than toward a more common absorption into personal loss. I recognized that this may not make sense, or be possible for everyone. 

 

This is a very good point. It takes a fair degree of insight and understanding to reframe the experience in my opinion

 

For those who can, the process of grief involves far less suffering  

[liminal_luke]

My nephew killed himself.  My partner and I went to a counseling session with a therapist who led us through a ritual.  We brought a candle and his picture to set up as a mini-altar.  Then she had us talk to my nephew out loud and say whatever we needed to say.  I didn´t know my nephew well but the process was surprisingly emotional and I left the session feeling that things were basically OK.  His death was tragic, of course, but I was no longer fighting the pain of it.  She told us to keep the candle lit (when we would be home) next to his picture for four or five days.

 

One of the things the therapist said was not to judge my nephew.  He made the decision for himself and we can´t know why.

Edited Monday at 07:05 PM by liminal_luke

[dontknwmucboutanythng]

Stirling,

 

>My experience is that it has been possible to channel my grief into love, compassion and kindness for the one who has passed, rather >than toward a more common absorption into personal loss. 

 

Could you elaborate on this please,  even though I might not be wise enough to understand or  to do it?

 

Thanks.

[stirling]

17 minutes ago, dontknwmucboutanythng said:

Stirling,

 

>My experience is that it has been possible to channel my grief into love, compassion and kindness for the one who has passed, rather >than toward a more common absorption into personal loss. 

 

Could you elaborate on this please,  even though I might not be wise enough to understand or  to do it?

 

It isn't complicated, I promise. It is simply a shift of emphasis. Some people do this anyway.

 

Rather than allowing your thoughts to become about how YOU have been left behind, or how YOU are feeling about what has happened, and how it effects you, direct your thoughts to some of the heartwarming experiences you had with your loved one. Be thankful for your time with them, focus on the warm, loving feeling you have for them. Send loving thoughts, hoping for a wonderful experience wherever it is that they voyage. Let them know it OK to move on into this next adventure and thank them for everything they did for you. 

[dontknwmucboutanythng]

What are some of the signs that a soul has moved on, and signs that a soul has not moved on?

 

Thanks again.

[stirling]

3 hours ago, dontknwmucboutanythng said:

What are some of the signs that a soul has moved on, and signs that a soul has not moved on?

 

Thanks again.

 

My experience with disembodied spirits is that they are not intelligent, so I don't personally believe that dead souls hang around the living for years on end. There may be echoes of them in dreams or visions, but they aren't THERE-there anymore.

 

The liberation of death is immensely attractive and compelling, so I am pretty sure that within 48 hours any identification with the illusory body the dead experience will have stopped. I would use your intuition. How does it feel? Is there still a presence there, or are things still and quiet. If it has been a week and you think they are still there your intuition may not be trustworthy, but in anywhere from a hour to a few days there may be no presence with the body anymore. You won't hurt their feelings - from the perspective of liberation it is obvious how blind the embodied are, once there is understanding about reality of things. They won't begrudge you, there is only love for you. IMHO, you can't get it wrong. 

[dontknwmucboutanythng]

After just about 40 years of marriage, 27 of which we fought stage 4 breast cancer every step of the way by her side, she passed away unexpectedly in my arm without being able to say goodbye. I didn't feel/see anything "supernatural" as she took her last breath, and days (38 now)after . 

Although it's extremely hard to control emotion, I didn't want to mess-up this last step that might cause her soul to linger on.  Two days after she passed away, I passed out on a couch in the afternoon, as I came to (maybe half awake) I saw her smiling full of health (vs emaciated body just before dead) bent down look at my head.  I hope this was the sign she already moved on and came to say good bye.

 

Thank you all for reading and commenting, I wish life treats you very gently in health, loved ones, and friendship.

[Sahaja]

Some great comments in this thread. I have an old friend  that has just entered hospice this week and these suggestions are very timely for me. Thank you for sharing 

 

Sorry about your loss “don’t know much”. My wife of 35 years ongoing health issues have made me reflect on this possibility. Not sure how I would cope with it.  From what I believe I think you interpreted your experience on the couch of her smiling and saying goodbye correctly. I hope the memory of this experience brings you peace.

 

. 

 

 

[forestofclarity]

2 hours ago, dontknwmucboutanythng said:

 I hope this was the sign she already moved on and came to say good bye.

 

Your post is absolutely heartbreaking. I was going to write that sometimes people feel like they are visited in dream or a vision, so yes, I would think this is it. Sometimes it is just a sort of release in the heart. Please remember to have compassion for yourself as well. Much metta to you in this painful time. I would add that in addition to any practice, it is always ok to seek out grief therapy or other help as needed.