People need some help

[Pranaman]

It's scary how brainwashed my parents are, I realized this when they were reading off the menu of Pizza Hut, when my mom said the words "Ultimate Meat", and actually thought this sounded good. I promote vegetables and fruits all day long, but my father says these things are too expensive when he could by a big package of ham and turkey. My mom doesn't have the will-power to not eat the food she's addicted too. They are both overweight, in distress and are shortening their lives. Anyway, has anybody had good experiences with helping people change their ways for the better?

[xenolith]

Have 'em read Siddartha or better yet, Tibetan Book of the Dead...either one tends to put the value of one's Life in better focus for the foggy spiritual vision afflicted.

 

Good Luck.

Edited June 27, 2008 by xenolith

[Sahaj Nath]

Anyway, has anybody had good experiences with helping people change their ways for the better?

 

of course. when the people WANT to change their lives for the better. i've also had HORRIBLE experiences trying to change people who don't want to change.

 

no parent likes to be judged by their child. no parent likes to be policed by their child. and few people ever make positive, life-long changes based on those two influences.

 

 

HELPING people change is different from changing people.

 

 

how old are you? and as a person who sees their parents as "brainwashed," are you in the best position to assist them in a meaningful way? as people who have taken care of you and supported you and nurtured you and educated you and protected you and a whole host of other things you probably won't realize for another 20 years, maybe they've earned the right to their imperfections.

 

i'm overweight. i don't always eat the "right" things. but i can also get up from this computer and run two miles and not even be winded when i'm done. i'm a bad dresser. some days i look downright ghetto. but i can also affect tumors and cysts and cancer cells, and awaken the energy in others, with the force that i emit. an argument can be made that those who would assume otherwise about me because of my appearance are themselves "brainwashed."

 

be the change you wish to see. and continue to accept them and embrace them either way.

 

for whatever it's worth.

[Pranaman]

I want to see people actively helping others be where they want to be in their lives. I guess to all who read this will think that I see my parents under only one light. They are actually awesome people, I respect and love them both greatly. But they want to change, they try. They choose to go on diets and then fall off of them. I just want to help out in every way I can.

 

My mother would be happier to focus on the good things in life. And they both think my evidence and beliefs of the harm are leaders knowingly inflict on us is hogwash. I hope them the happiest way to go about what they want in life, and I do know that there is knowledge out there that could help them so much, it just saddens me that they can't see it. I love them and they want help but are trained to over-see the very help that they seek and that I talk about. Anyway, the best of everything to all.

[Ian]

Anyway, has anybody had good experiences with helping people change their ways for the better?

 

Give up the wish. When you truly, truly are happy with them as they are, they will "magically" come to you and ask for your help. Then you can do something.

[三江源]

.

Edited April 20, 2015 by 三江源

[rain]

yes it is really tough to see the ones you care for be so sick. for years it can be really confusing being the one that turns around and changes the patterns. sometimes you feel like a burden, sometimes you are invisible, sometimes you may be able to help whan they do see that you manage something they want to learn.

 

I remember how immensely it helped me when I called someone in my family for help. I just couldnt stop smoking..(you may think that is nothing, but to me it was getting really bad, like hooked up to a string, couching blood sometimes, earaches 3-4 times a year and life seemed to to go nowhere), and the words given to me had impact. I was told that the strenght I was using holding on to my habit was immense and could be freed and used for ...life.

That was just what I needed to hear because I felt "spineless"..having failed so many times.

Another key sentence has been "it is all going to happen when the timing is right."

It is so important to have that spark of hope. And it feels such a gift when people blow into the glow without making demands or preach. Like they trust you are going to be just fine. (Like they trust you, and think you are fine and have potential to be even better!)

 

I also followed another advice one time when I had trouble being around someone with a drinkingproblem..

and told the person that we would not be in touch until he/she sobered up..

I feel bad about it every day. because i genuinely feel that friendship is a for good and for worse thing. I am really mixed up about that one.

Edited June 27, 2008 by rain

[karen]

Good thoughts here. The very best we can do for others is to let go of our own judgment and grow into the unconditional love that is our true nature. It's easy to point the finger at the other person, and then we fall into a false do-goodism, when the challenge is really for us to change.

 

Out of love, it's possible to lean on someone in a way that helps open them up, but that can only be done from non-attached love, and that kind of love has the wisdom to do this appropriately at the right time. That's been called "participating" the other person - a true rapport where your ego needs aren't in the way and you're just resonating with the person in a healthy way. There are many ways in which we can influence each other - life is all about relationship, and our own inner development is always in context of relationships as we draw to us the people who mirror our own issues so we can become more conscious.

 

It's always humbling to consider that the people that we think are less advanced than us, or who we think need to change for the better or have some judgment about, or we just think they could learn something from us - are usually the ones who we've drawn to us in order to learn something about ourselves. When I'm posting messages on the forum in the answerer mode rather than the questioner mode, I'm the one who's really getting the learning. (If the other person does too, that's great

 

rain, isn't it a blessing to have someone in your life who has the capacity for real trust. Not someone who trusts your abilities to accomplish stuff, or your talents, or anything on that level, but someone who is healthy enough to not be in fear. Then they can celebrate who you are and where your true destiny is taking you, (the real meaning of "in sickness and in health!), no matter how sucky the lessons are that you need to go through. Someone who can be the eyes for you to see the bigger landscape when you're going through a dark period, and celebrate the spiritual growth even when it hasn't appeared on the outside yet. That kind of trust is a great gift.

 

-Karen

Edited June 27, 2008 by karen

[Trunk]

It's scary how brainwashed my parents are, ... helping people change their ways for the better?

Extremely difficult within the family, just such loaded psychological dynamics. Best you can do is gradually, over years, develop and keep your own sense of personal center. Even family members recognize and appreciate that; it has an effect.

[lotusbud]

Pranaman, your situation sounds so similar to what I went through while I was still living with my parents.

 

In my own case it was a long time before I accepted the idea that you are the only person you can change. Please don't ask your parents to read Siddartha or to stop eating flesh.

 

We try to change others because changing ourselves is hard work and we can be lazy sometimes. You want your parents to change because you love them and want to care for them, and yes it is very important to honor them and live in thanks to them. But they are YOUR parents, not the other way around. They are your origin and you are who you are because they have helped bring you here. All the positive changes you make and your new ways of seeing the world and living ARE your thanks to them. So find your own feet, your own strength. You can explain why you do the things you do but don't expect them to change.

 

You may not realize it but they have probably had their own long journey full of change to today from the way their parents raised them. I began to revere my mother after I uncovered how sick and backward her own childhood was, how much pain she went through, and realized that she had really changed her destiny and mine for the better by changing all her sick ways of thinking and transforming them to optimism, by becoming joy.

 

That said, you are their child and they will see themselves in you. You can definitely find ways of resonating with them. For example your father's sense of thrift that makes meat appealing might change if he knew more about how that meat is produced and how industrial meat production externalizes costs on taxpayers and the next generations. (It's important not to accuse them of anything, just give them the facts and at least they will understand your choices and perhaps be proud of you for them even if they don't change themselves).

 

As far as your mother's "addiction" is concerned, perhaps you can offer to cook one course for the family periodically. There are plenty of really tasty veggie meals they might like and incorporate into their diet. Start with what they eat that IS healthy and go from there.

 

I should say again, don't do all of this as a great service to them. Do it for yourself. Take care of yourself and make sure all the positive (and difficult) changes you make are supported by yourself. Your whole family will benefit from your cultivation. Don't doubt this. I was just reading how people can affect the variable heart rate of others even in a different room. We are sharing energy all the time.

[rain]

Good thoughts here. The very best we can do for others is to let go of our own judgment and grow into the unconditional love that is our true nature. It's easy to point the finger at the other person, and then we fall into a false do-goodism, when the challenge is really for us to change.

 

Out of love, it's possible to lean on someone in a way that helps open them up, but that can only be done

rain, isn't it a blessing to have someone in your life who has the capacity for real trust. Not someone who trusts your abilities to accomplish stuff, or your talents, or anything on that level, but someone who is healthy enough to not be in fear. Then they can celebrate who you are and where your true destiny is taking you, (the real meaning of "in sickness and in health!), no matter how sucky the lessons are that you need to go through. Someone who can be the eyes for you to see the bigger landscape when you're going through a dark period, and celebrate the spiritual growth even when it hasn't appeared on the outside yet. That kind of trust is a great gift.

 

-Karen

 

yes karen i am truly grateful. i admire him. he is able to do the walk.

Edited June 28, 2008 by rain

[.broken.]

The advice in response to your post, Pranaman, has been sublime.

 

I couldn't help but feel that there was not a particularly practical answer... simply attempts to shift your own perception. Perhaps this is not what you were looking for. I shall therefore attempt to offer a solution that requires you to sacrifice your time for the benefit of those you love.

 

And here it is: learn to cook.

 

The art of cooking is a rarity in itself. Very few people have mastered it. Many have a few 'specialist' dishes, but their knowledge of flavours, colours and ingredients are minimal. If you are in control of the food that your parents eat, then you are in control of their digestive health. Of course, they may snack inbetween meals and consume alcohol, but this is their choice and if you cook for them you will see the impact one good meal every day has on them.

 

I would personally suggest that you buy seasonal, local foods - and if the food budget stretches, make sure it's organic.

 

Failing this, perhaps put in a request to whomever does the shopping that you are keen to eat more fruit.

 

If you set an example, they will follow.

 

Yours humbly,

James

Edited June 28, 2008 by .broken.