Egolessness Cultivation

[chrisjswanson]

Hello to everyone here, I am very happy to have discovered this community.

 

This is cross-posted from the introduction section, since I heard many here ignore that area...

 

My name is Chris Swanson, I live in California (Silicon Valley). I'm a 25 year old guy.

 

Briefly, I am a super pacifistic hippy type, with serious influence from Buddhist, Hindu, and especially Taoist philosophy.

 

Since it's a big part of my life, I won't hide the fact that I choose to experiment with mind expanding drugs. I am not sure how this group will feel about that, but I will certainly be respectful and show restraint in my topics.

 

I wanted to ask for advice from anyone in the community who may be able to help me out with a question I have.

 

See, I've had problems with anxiety and panic, even irrational fear of death, for many years. I've taken lots of medicines, and only very addictive, short acting drugs are helpful.

 

I have been practicing Buddhist samadhi (concentration) meditation and metta (love) meditation to relieve symptoms, however I feel there is some energy or psychic block which is causing my suffering which is not being dissolved by these practices.

 

I decided to seriously consult the I Ching regarding an approach for relief from the root cause of my symptoms.

 

My result was Hexagram #15, Chien (Or Modesty / Egolessness according to my translation) , with change lines at 3,4,and 5.

 

All three change lines advise egolessness and selflessness as a path to success / resolution.

 

The changed Hexagram is #45 Tsui (Congregation / Gathering the Essence according to my translation)

 

From what I understand it can represent a time of peaceful and happy gathering of life. Also a time for cultivation and gathering subtle essence.

 

---------

 

So my curiosity is this:

 

Am I at least sort of using the I Ching in a beneficial manner?

 

Is there a technique that is safe for lay practicioners which could help cultivate the aspect of egolessness? Perhaps meditation or energy visualization, or some physical movements?

 

Thanks so much for anyone's opinions, I really respect these beliefs and I think it may be the best way to get my life back in balance.

 

peace + love

Chris

[Sahaj Nath]

you don't live that far from me. maybe 2 hours drive.

 

there are 50 things on the tip of my tongue, but to write them here would render them useless to you.

 

 

 

how old are you? 25.

 

how long have you been using psychedelics, and how often?

 

 

you sound as if you've been so eclectic in your spiritual studies that you might lack the foundation to interpret a taoist divination tool. which is fine. that's partly why you're asking the question.

 

but i'd say that consulting the I Ching has already served it's purpose if it brought you here. you quite honestly can let the rest go and allow your search from this point forward to unfold organically, with regard to this particular matter.

 

 

i'd be willing to talk and maybe even meet with you, but i'd like you to answer my questions above.

Edited July 11, 2008 by Hundun

[chrisjswanson]

you don't live that far from me. maybe 2 hours drive.

 

there are 50 things on the tip of my tongue, but to write them here would render them useless to you.

how old are you? 25.

 

how long have you been using psychedelics, and how often?

you sound as if you've been so eclectic in your spiritual studies that you might lack the foundation to interpret a taoist divination tool. which is fine. that's partly why you're asking the question.

 

but i'd say that consulting the I Ching has already served it's purpose if it brought you here. you quite honestly can let the rest go and allow your search from this point forward to unfold organically, with regard to this particular matter.

i'd be willing to talk and maybe even meet with you, but i'd like you to answer my questions above.

 

Hundun

Thanks for your concern and attention.

 

Yes I am 25. I took a lot (100+ hits of LSD, many mushrooms, etc.) when I was in my teen years (~16-19)

 

To be honest I found that these substances (seemed) to improve my outlook on life, I learned that there was more to life than mechanistic traditional success and developed much compassion and understanding. I still take these drugs maybe 5 times a month. I have not found anything particularly negative about them, but I am starting to be aware that our bodies are way beyond scientific understanding and that really unusual drugs such as these could be upsetting energy patterns if used in the wrong way.

 

Also when I was young (teen years) I abused just about every drug I could get my hands on, not so much as a junkie but as an explorer of the mind. Not just the traditional ones but things most people wouldn't try. These days I use natural drugs more moderately, namely marijuana daily, opium tea occasionally, and morning glory seeds (a psychedelic).

 

I have had terrible problems with alcohol but am finally free of its grasp ( almost a year )

 

So (in a nutshell) I was about 20 when my anxiety started. My life was happy. I was in college one day when I got extremely dizzy, like the ground was moving up and down. I ended up going to a hospital because I thought I was physically in danger. After examination I was given sleeping medicine and sent home.

 

Since then the problem didn't go away, but occurred more and more frequently. I saw many doctors, had every test run (ears, eyes, brain scan, heart, blood) and they say I'm fine. Anti anxiety medicine like Valium solves my problem, so I have over time come to the conclusion that my problem is psychological. However when panic attacks strike, I invariably revert to the belief that something is dangerously wrong with my body.

 

Over time the intense dizzy spells have diminished, and my outlook regarding my condition has become much more positive. However I still have very high levels of nervous energy, I find myself pacing, biting my fingernails, and other nervous habits very often.

 

I suspect with the proper advice / techniques, I may be able to greatly improve my quality of life.

 

peace + love

Chris

[Sahaj Nath]

yeah, i figured it was something like that.

 

 

i'll send you a private message later on this evening.

[mantis]

almost ALL drug users say the same thing

 

your problems are caused by your drug use

[chrisjswanson]

I must say that when my anxiety problems began, I was healthy, exercising, and not taking any drugs (not even alcohol). It was a year or so after any drug use.

 

When you say that my problems are due to drugs, do you mean past or present use?

 

And I guess I am open minded to stopping drugs, its just that they seem to lead me to a more spiritual state of mind. I've tried going sober for more than a year and it didnt help my anxiety. Honestly I found that I became closed minded and when I started taking drugs again I felt that I had been missing out on a big part of life.

 

I'm welcome to any suggestions though, I am quite aware that there are more important things in life than a good high.

 

thanks + peace

 

Chris

[Sahaj Nath]

mantis is right.

 

 

and there just seems to be WHOLE LOT you don't understand about the drugs OR spirituality. your response to mantis comes across as if you haven't done any real study.

 

 

i was going to wait until the evening, but i'll go ahead and send you a message as soon as i'm done with this pot of tea. (priorities, you know. )

[chrisjswanson]

So I'm realizing that I probably know a lot less than I thought I did and am probably confused in certain ways due to my choices of lifestyle.

 

I am curious, if anyone who has this knowledge could maybe explain something to me:

 

What are the various categories of drugs doing from a Taoist perspective? How do they effect energy flow / systems? What are the implications of these changes?

 

thanks again to everyone

 

peace

Chris

[WhiteTiger]

Hello to everyone here, I am very happy to have discovered this community.

 

This is cross-posted from the introduction section, since I heard many here ignore that area...

 

My name is Chris Swanson, I live in California (Silicon Valley). I'm a 25 year old guy.

 

Briefly, I am a super pacifistic hippy type, with serious influence from Buddhist, Hindu, and especially Taoist philosophy.

 

Since it's a big part of my life, I won't hide the fact that I choose to experiment with mind expanding drugs. I am not sure how this group will feel about that, but I will certainly be respectful and show restraint in my topics.

 

I wanted to ask for advice from anyone in the community who may be able to help me out with a question I have.

 

See, I've had problems with anxiety and panic, even irrational fear of death, for many years. I've taken lots of medicines, and only very addictive, short acting drugs are helpful.

 

I have been practicing Buddhist samadhi (concentration) meditation and metta (love) meditation to relieve symptoms, however I feel there is some energy or psychic block which is causing my suffering which is not being dissolved by these practices.

 

I decided to seriously consult the I Ching regarding an approach for relief from the root cause of my symptoms.

 

My result was Hexagram #15, Chien (Or Modesty / Egolessness according to my translation) , with change lines at 3,4,and 5.

 

All three change lines advise egolessness and selflessness as a path to success / resolution.

 

The changed Hexagram is #45 Tsui (Congregation / Gathering the Essence according to my translation)

 

From what I understand it can represent a time of peaceful and happy gathering of life. Also a time for cultivation and gathering subtle essence.

 

---------

 

So my curiosity is this:

 

Am I at least sort of using the I Ching in a beneficial manner?

 

Is there a technique that is safe for lay practicioners which could help cultivate the aspect of egolessness? Perhaps meditation or energy visualization, or some physical movements?

 

Thanks so much for anyone's opinions, I really respect these beliefs and I think it may be the best way to get my life back in balance.

 

peace + love

Chris

 

This is just my personal recommendations for you. I'm not a teacher. But I'm sure this will help you.

 

Um... well to be 100% honest, ego just causes issues with other people. (causes other egos to clash.) You can start all sorts of fights this way. Trick is easy, without eradicating your ego you must keep it intact but without displaying the folly of it. This is the understanding of Egolessness. Only actions show you your present ability you work hard... but your intention is not displayed in any sort of way against another. You can find all sorts of meditation will grant you egolessness. When talking to teachers ask for that specifically. for example, "I'm looking for a meditation or practice that dissolves ego." or "I'm in search of achieving egolessness"

 

The second thing you basically gotta do purify you intent. You must be a good person. Be nice to people without a hidden agenda, without a purpose other then to be a good person, to help out people. In martial arts they talk about your intent. Your intent or intentions must be good. Some people will call this praciticing the wheel of Dharma. Doing this will help safe guard you from upcoming issues or battles you might have.

 

Those are the two things I would say you should practice and find a teacher to teach you those things.

[Aetherous]

Vipassana would be good for you I think.

[Junbao]

Hey Chris,

 

Could it be that your attachment to the drugs is what's adding to your anxiety?

You seem to mention them as a solution to problems you have had.

 

I've gone through a period where I was using hard drugs like speed and heroin, and mind expanding drugs, and during those times my mind was very good about rationalizing everything.

 

For me, the best way to get over the desire was to meditate daily on the ill effect they had on me, and the rather pointless short term "enjoyment" that was so completely outweighed by the negative side effects. Which by the way, were more the main effects. The high was more like the side effect.

 

Basically, try to stop thinking that your problem is your solution.

 

I'm sorry to hear you get anxiety attacks. I'm familiar with that and it's really no fun

I think some personality types are more prone to that kind of thing.

It happens to me more rarely now. If it does, I always know that a good nights sleep will do me better than any drug ever could.

I don't know Hundun very well, but from what I've read in his posts he seems knowledgeable and could probably be able to help you.

Best to you man....if you really want to pursue this, my advice is get clear and go from there. Best thing I ever did for myself, and not one day do I feel like I'm missing that stuff.

[Gerard]

Hi Chris,

 

I'd recommend you to cleanse, nourish and strengthen your internal organs in order to remove those mind blockages you have in your mind due to all the toxins carried by them through the fire channel (du mai) to your high psychic centers located in the brain.

 

I can write the exercises in here because it is a colossal task. The best thing you can do is purchase this book, which contains an accurate description of each of the exercises required:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Qigong-Empowerment-M...n/dp/1889659029

 

 

You mentioned fear, anxiety and irrational fear of death. This is associated with kidney imbalance. Practice the required gong to fix these mental manifestations of that imbalance.

 

The best of luck for you.

[chrisjswanson]

In regards to vipasanna I have looked into it and it seems like the kind of thing that really benefits from a good teacher. I will keep this suggestion in mind, thanks for the advice. It seems a very profound undertaking and I feel like I need to clean up my life a little first. Ultimately this might be exactly what I need.

 

In regards to being attached to drugs and them causing my anxiety, maybe. I am open to the idea. I had anxiety problems before I discovered the particular drugs that eliminate anxiety for me, but it got much worse after I made the mistake of abusing those same drugs. It could be the same root cause of anxiety makes me want to use drugs. If only I had a bright light to shine in my head and see why I do the things I do...

 

In regards to cleansing my internal organs, this has been my intuition. I don't really have any reason to say I could tell other than my innate human abilities, but I have long suspected some kind of energy-like imbalance in my body, organs, or otherwise. I don't know if it's from drugs or something else, but it does give me a regular (and annoying) feeling that I am sick in a strange way (not like a germ but like an imbalance). I actually have thought that dizziness is a very literal physical manifestation of imbalance. I don't know about Fire Channels or kidney imbalance, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if you are correct. Will the book you have suggested address these problems specifically?

 

In response to feedback from everyone here, I have chosen to stop using drugs (I am excepting weed, although at some point that one will probably have to go too).

 

Anyone have suggestions on what I should do instead of drugs? I'm sure this seems like a silly question, but it is actually quite applicable to me. I need advice on thinking about things in a different way.

 

Hundun is advising me. I would like to publicly thank him and acknowledge his insight.

 

I'd also like to thank this community for your realistic wisdom, which has inspired me as much as any book I ever read.

[Sunya]

coming from a former pot-head, it isn't worth it.. drains you of energy, numbs you and dulls you, gives you a false sense of happiness and peace.. but that's just because it numbs you to whats actually being felt. embrace the anxiety, embrace the fear, accept it and stop attaching to the emotions. they aren't you. focus on your breath daily and breathe naturally from the belly. focusing on the details like "kidney imbalance" only creates unneeded mental activity, everything will take care of itself if you just chill out, breathe, and surrender to the process of purification. i too had anxiety come up after drug use.. i only did LSD and mushrooms once, but i felt the effects. its a clearing of the subconscious, so embrace it my friend

[Guest allan]

[Junbao]

Chris that's awesome that Hundun can give you some help.

 

Re the drugs and anxiety. At least if your admitting that the drugs increased your anxiety, regardless of weather or not they were the cause, you can see that they are not a helpful long term healing tool. I think in this type of situation you really have to think though the whole cycle and see where you come out at the end based on what decisions you have made.

 

My outlook on weed is pretty mellow. I smoked everyday for 8 years, very small amounts, and it effected me less than coffee or cola or beer. I will tell you though that I have not smoked now for almost two years, and my life is still going just fine. On a side note to that, Tai Chi master Cheng Man Ching stated that weed drains the kidneys, so you might think about that if there is a kidney imbalance.

 

I have a tendency to over think things very often, and so for me, calm comes from less focus and more relaxing and releasing. I tend to do better with things that take effort but not thinking or concentration. Like running or cycling, or Kung Fu and Tai Chi. You just do them and they work for you and keep your energy flowing and your body healthy. For the mind, emptiness meditation is good for me. I also have to try to stay away from the word focus, as this to me implies the tightening of an image, like focusing a camera...that kind of thing.

For me the words relax, or imagine, work much better.

 

Glad to see you around here, and that you can be so open and honest. Wish you the best!

Edited July 13, 2008 by Junbao

[Aetherous]

http://www.dhamma.org/ is a place to find vipassana teachers and meditation centers. They're mostly free or charge a small amount, and last 10 days I think. They give you vegetarian meals, and basically almost the whole day is spent doing the meditation. I think it'd be great for you as long as you stick with it. Just an option...you're getting other great advice here.

 

About what to do instead of drugs...take up a sport. Like running, soccer, martial arts...whatever. To be honest, I just got a job doing landscaping this past month and it's been great. Good physical work, working with the earth...if you do it a certain way (relaxed and with an inner smile, with proper alignment) it's like the highest form of martial art and qigong, in my opinion.

[rookie]

I just have two short things to say.

1. Any kind of addiction is very destructive. The drugs are a crutch and not a part of the natural way. How can you hope to find and follow the dao if you are high?

2. The kind of irrational panic you are experiencing is said to be due to stuck energy in the middle dantien. But getting external help to get it flowing will provide only hours or days of relief until your own energetic patterns take over and get you right back where you were.

 

I would say go for a balanced approach to health.