enlightened relationships

[Pranaman]

I'm in a relationship. I'd like our love to be true love, not of the ego, and unable to turn into negative emotions. Eckhart Tolle explains the love in enlightened relationships as the same love an enlightened person feels for everything and everyone, but to a greater degree for that one person. This is the type of love that will always be true love. Unfortunately, my girl would be crushed or hate the idea if she heard it. She has many ideas on what a special romantic relationship is supposed to be. I think they conflict with my ideas of unattachment, liberation, and what healthy love really is. I don't know what to do, because we experience glimpses of true love, but I can feel when we are dealing with egoic love. I feel it will take both of us trying to free ourselves from our egos to experience true unconditional love instead of just one. I come to all of you to hear your opinions.

[sirius]

hello pranaman!

 

thank you for writing these words! this is a very important topic!

 

i am married for more than twenty years. my wife isn`t interested in qi gong or "spiritual love" at all.

but she loves me in her own special "down to earth very practical" way. over the years i felt that this is exactly what i need to keep rooted and not to fly away to the seventh heaven with my idealistic way of thinking about how to bring spiritualty in my all day life. i love my wife, too - in my silly, idealistic and "spiritual" way. - and maybe this is the other half of the cake that my wife is looking for. in my silly way i try to bring a little bit of humour, a little bit of relaxation and love into our relationship. i try to be patient. i try to be aware. but i try to accept myself for not not beeing patient when i`m really stressed. and i try to understand and to excuse if my wife doesn`t succed in being patient...yes, it`s not easy. but i try. i really try. i try to do my chi kung exercises regularly and i feel that this helps me during the day, because i can cope better with conflicts in our relationship.

 

sorry, i have to finish now, because i have to go to work. maybe i can write more tomorrow.

 

greetings from germany

 

sirius

[mjjbecker]

hello pranaman!

 

thank you for writing these words! this is a very important topic!

 

i am married for more than twenty years. my wife isn`t interested in qi gong or "spiritual love" at all.

but she loves me in her own special "down to earth very practical" way. over the years i felt that this is exactly what i need to keep rooted and not to fly away to the seventh heaven with my idealistic way of thinking about how to bring spiritualty in my all day life. i love my wife, too - in my silly, idealistic and "spiritual" way. - and maybe this is the other half of the cake that my wife is looking for. in my silly way i try to bring a little bit of humour, a little bit of relaxation and love into our relationship. i try to be patient. i try to be aware. but i try to accept myself for not not beeing patient when i`m really stressed. and i try to understand and to excuse if my wife doesn`t succed in being patient...yes, it`s not easy. but i try. i really try. i try to do my chi kung exercises regularly and i feel that this helps me during the day, because i can cope better with conflicts in our relationship.

 

sorry, i have to finish now, because i have to go to work. maybe i can write more tomorrow.

 

greetings from germany

 

sirius

 

Great post! Thank you.

[Trunk]

Witches and psychics and nuns!, Oh my!

* my dating pattern *

Edited September 29, 2008 by Trunk

[qirin]

I'm in a relationship. I'd like our love to be true love, not of the ego, and unable to turn into negative emotions. Eckhart Tolle explains the love in enlightened relationships as the same love an enlightened person feels for everything and everyone, but to a greater degree for that one person. This is the type of love that will always be true love. Unfortunately, my girl would be crushed or hate the idea if she heard it. She has many ideas on what a special romantic relationship is supposed to be. I think they conflict with my ideas of unattachment, liberation, and what healthy love really is. I don't know what to do, because we experience glimpses of true love, but I can feel when we are dealing with egoic love. I feel it will take both of us trying to free ourselves from our egos to experience true unconditional love instead of just one. I come to all of you to hear your opinions.

 

an old girlfriend of mine got really upset once when I told her that I could "see beauty in everything" because she felt that took away from the specialness of me telling her she was beautiful.

 

but here's a question. do you want your partner to experience spiritual love for her sake or for yours? are you genuinely interested in her liberation, or is it more that you feel that your non-spiritual relationship doesn't reflect your perception of yourself as a spiritual person? if so, then this feeling of a need for ego-transcendence in your relationship may in fact be coming from your own ego.

 

your responsibility in your relationship is to and for yourself. it's your job to understand her and to try to be understood, not to try to change her outlook or way of life. it is your responsibility to make sure that you remain true to yourself and to your own spiritual experience, but there's nothing spiritual about forcing her to conform to your expectations about what a relationship should be.

 

if you are genuinely only interested in her well-being, then have patience. simply be the person you are, love her in the way that you do, and don't try to force anything. over time, she may begin to understand and grow. she's on her own path with its own truths, and she must realize them in a way and in an order that is unique to her.

 

ultimately the reason why unselfish love is "better" than obsessively romantic love is that romantic love is grounded in a fear of losing the other and a need to be "special" that stems from a sense of one's own vulnerability and insignificance. and so the realization of unselfish love is a positive one. it's not that attachment is wrong, it's just unnecessary. unselfish love is an experience of freedom, of the freedom that comes with being whole.

 

if she feels the need for romantic love it is because she does not feel secure or whole, and so you should concentrate on helping her find that sense of security and wholeness and not on reprimanding her for her illusions. like most illusions, they serve a purpose, and there must be something to fill the absence when they are stripped away or she will only be left with emptiness and depression.

 

just my two cents. good luck.

[mYTHmAKER]

"Romance" is in the past or the future.

It, he, she, was so romantic.

It will be so romantic.

True romance, however, is in the present - being present.

Just be present with your girlfriend.

[Unconditioned]

Unfortunately, my girl would be crushed or hate the idea if she heard it. She has many ideas on what a special romantic relationship is supposed to be.

 

You don't need to ever give her the idea of any kind of love, all you need to do is show her and she'll experience it first hand.

 

The deepest form of love is so much more than any romantic idea of what a relationship is supposed to be. The romantic idea of love is a response to true inner Love.

 

I see my fiance as she really as. A physical representation of all the beauty in existence. Like a flower I watch her blossom, like a volcano I see her erupt from time to time, I see her soften me like a river smooths a rock...and all of it is from the same power that has manifested the universe. How can anything be more or less beautiful? Beauty and Love that has a scale is not true Beauty and Love.

 

When I see her in this way, and even more deeply than words can show, I can only respond with love. When we know the Truth, what others will see is Love in it's purest form. We don't need to talk about it ever, just show it, express it, and others will feel it and know it.

 

How to see her that way? Drop the idea of Love. Drop the expectations of "I need to ______ so she knows I love her". Respect her as a goddess, as sacred, as life itself, as encompassing all the beauty in existence, and the actions will follow on their own accord. At least this is how my relationship has unfolded as I've understood more about my own nature.

 

All the best,

-Nate

[rain]

Respect her as a goddess, as sacred, as life itself, as encompassing all the beauty in existence, and the actions will follow on their own accord. At least this is how my relationship has unfolded as I've understood more about my own nature.

 

All the best,

-Nate

 

I cannot see that I have anything worthwhile to contribute here.

 

All smiles. All happiness.

 

Laying down to rest in bliss.

 

 

10 mins later..

(gosh I just saw that Ive responded in the enlightened relationships thread, and ws terrified about what I might have said, but all seems good...)

Edited September 29, 2008 by rain

[qirin]

When I see her in this way, and even more deeply than words can show, I can only respond with love. When we know the Truth, what others will see is Love in it's purest form. We don't need to talk about it ever, just show it, express it, and others will feel it and know it.

 

a much more eloquent statement of what I was after, grounded in the depths of personal experience. I feel happy for you and hope to one day see things so clearly.

[Aetherous]

Nate, that sounds great. I'm glad for you.

[Pranaman]

All advice taken.

 

I just wrote a paragraph about how sometimes, I can't do a single thing right, no matter how happy I want her to be. Mostly, how much my ego wants her to not put me down for not doing things that are up to her standards. Then, I wrote about how I can't talk in person. Words out of my hands are far more effective than out of my mouth. Also that I can connect concepts easily, and logically interpret and parallel unassociated information. But there always comes into play, this frantic energy, trying to please her, but it always fails. It always knocks my awareness out of my body. I think it's part of my social anxiety too. This is all very confusing

[Teddy]

Romantic relationships are so challenging for us blokes. If you dive in to it fully it will be difficult, but equally rewarding. Do you want to have your cake and eat it? It's all very well to say that you want to have a 'spiritual relationship', but deep down what would you rather hear from you girlfriend... "I love you the same way I love all Gods creations", or... "The highlight of my whole day is making love to you"... ...probably the latter.

 

Here is something important: There is nothing wrong with having an ego. -We have egos for a reason.

 

Here is something else important: Although fellas usually dont like to be 'possessed', girls usually (not always) want a protector. Someone who sees them as special, and therefore worthy of protection.

 

It sounds to me like she has a lot of power over you. Women usually want a strong man. If she can make you crazy just by critisizing you she will see this as a weakness. She will then critisise you more. This is how women 'test' men. You pass the test if you can show that you respect her feelings but are not over sensitive to them. The tests will get harder until you pass... ...or fail.

 

She probably wont admit most of this because it is deeply subconcious.

[Pranaman]

thanks everyone for the advice.

 

i'm basically over the situation.

 

I'll just stay in the now, if I must break it off I will.