Jokes for those who take life too seriously :D

[Stigweard]

This bloke was lonely and so he decided life would be more

fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he

wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought

a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

 

He took the box home, he found a good location for the box, and decided he

would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the

 

centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?'

Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.

 

This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again,

'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?'

Again there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend

and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

 

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against

the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to

Frank's place and have a beer with me?

A little voice came out of the box:

'I heard you the first time !

I'm putting my damn shoes on!

[orb]

THESE ARE ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES RECORDED GREETINGS!

 

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your

name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

 

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those

reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

 

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid

institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe

me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

 

4. Hi. Now you say something.

 

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering

machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

 

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

 

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.

If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

 

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please

speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these

magnets.

 

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.

My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are

clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their

picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they

will get back to you.

 

10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic

thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number

and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

 

11. Hi. I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.

Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you!

 

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave

a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

 

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons

right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home

and it's safe to leave a message.

 

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.

Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

 

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right

now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up

and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a

message, and when we're done brushing our

teeth we'll get back to you.

[Desert Eagle]

For while gold may indeed be heavy

Ego is heavier still

 

http://www.thetaobums.com/Right-then-t9727.html

[trailmaker]

real life anecdote:

 

guy: with ya in a minute, honey - bottom of the 9th - tie score.

 

girlfriend (shrieking crescendo): we're gonna be late for transcendental mediTATION!

[pacala]

w2yv8aT0UFc

[orb]

ro9ufVuuNb0

[Taomeow]

THESE ARE ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES RECORDED GREETINGS!

 

 

 

Here's another one I heard in RL:

 

"Hi.

This is not an answering machine.

This is a questioning machine.

And the questions are:

Who are you?

and

What do you want?

Think carefully before responding... remember... most people leave this planet without ever having answered these questions.

Beeeep!"

[Desert Eagle]

Bpd1cT6HyWc

35kpes9-IEQ

[pacala]

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and

> now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm

> while these exchanges were actually taking place.

>

> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

> WITNESS: My name is Susan!

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

> sleep, he>

doesn't know about it until the next morning?

> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

> ____________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

> _______________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

> WITNESS: Yes.

> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

> WITNESS: None.

> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a

> new

attorney? ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

> WITNESS: By death.

> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

> WITNESS: Take a guess.

> ___________________________________________ _

>

> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

> _____________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

> deposition notice

which I sent to your attorney?

> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

> ______________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

> dead

people?

> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

> _______________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

> WITNESS: Oral.

> _________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

> > ______________________________________

>

> And the best for last:

>

> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

> a pulse?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

> beganthe

autopsy ?

> WIT NESS : No.

> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> ATTORNEY: I see but could the patient have still been alive neverthe less?

WITNESS, Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!