orb Posted March 15, 2009 I know a lot of people here have some great jokes to tell. I thought it would be great to have a thread to share them with everybody. Here I go: A Zen monk in New York stops in the street and orders a $1. hot dog. He gives the seller a $10 note, which the hot dog man puts in his pocket. Finally the Zen Monk says, "Hey, where's my CHANGE???" The hot dog seller replies, "CHANGE comes from within!" ===================================================== Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners? A: Because they have no attachments. ===================================================== Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Zen masters carry their own light. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
doc benway Posted March 15, 2009 Here's one that my 16 year old daughter told me this week: So this baby seal walks into a club.... OK, OK, she's only 16... Here's another one: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? ... ... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeform Posted March 15, 2009 Why don't Taoist Immortals tell riddles? They don't know the answers. ... also - not quite a joke - but a song that should lighten any dark, serious moments a Tao Bum might have: GUcXI2BIUOQ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NeutralWire Posted March 15, 2009 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. (``That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...'') Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession. Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: To get to the other side. All from: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/88old/bulb.html ... a pretty encyclopedic collection. If you want to know what 'probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984' was, head over there now. All best wishes, ~NeutralWire~ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
contrivedname! Posted March 15, 2009 heres one i really like, it is on principia discordia (i think thats what the site is called) anyway this is from memory so bear with me: "an aspiring zen monk met a zen master and asked the master what he should do to attain enlightenment. the zen master told him to go to a specific house at a specific time and to sit down near the balcony by the stair well, and meditate. the monk dutifully did as was told. after a short time some frat kids stepped onto the balcony and threw a bucket of shit over the ledge. it hit the monk on the head whereupon the frat kids noticed him. one asked the other "who is that?" and the other answered "some say that he is a holy man, others say that he is a shit head" upon hearing this the monk attained enlightenment. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aetherous Posted March 15, 2009 I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lozen Posted March 15, 2009 how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change!! what has four wheels and flies? a garbage truck! what did the ocean say to the plane as it flew by? nothing, it just waved! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
onikalk Posted March 15, 2009 Here's one that my 16 year old daughter told me this week: So this baby seal walks into a club.... OK, OK, she's only 16... LOL. I feel terrible for laughing but I can't help it!!! Reminded me of this joke: What did the man say when he walked into a bar? OUCH!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phore Posted March 15, 2009 how many zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? 4. one to change the bulb. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mat black Posted March 15, 2009 who was the founder of the knights of the round table? sir cumference why are pirates pirates? because they arrrghhh why do scuba divers put their hand over thier face and fall backwards into the water? because if they tipped forwards, they'd fall into the boat. a man was driving along a road and saw a farmer in in the midle of a huge expanse of grass. he stopped the car, climbed over a barbed wire fence and wandered over to the farmer. "Is this your farm"? he asked. "yep." replied the farmer. The man went on, "Oh, so is everything OK, I just noticed you standing out here as I was driving pasrt, have you lost something?" "Nah" replied the farmer, "I'm just trying to win a nobel prize" The man was confused "Huh? what do mean?" The farmer replied, "I've heard that they awared nobel prizes to people who are outstanding in their field." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lantsberger Posted March 16, 2009 I read this someplace, cannot remember where to credit..... How many Tai Chi instructors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 20 1 to screw in the lightbulb and 19 to describe how he didn't do it quite right. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
thelerner Posted March 16, 2009 Why didn't the zen monk screw in a light bulb? Because he was celibate. Why didn't his master? Because he was enlightened and found everything perfect as is. How did the Aikido master screw in a light bulb? Tenkan. If you did Aikido, you'd be laughing now Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pacala Posted March 16, 2009 One day Ma-Tsu, while still a pupil under Master Huai-jang, was asked why he sat so much in meditation. Ma-Tsu replied that it was for the purpose of becoming a Buddha. The Master then began rubbing a brick very hard. It was now Ma-Tsu's turn to ask a question. 'Why,' he inquired, 'do you rub that brick?' 'To make a mirror,' replied Huai-jang. 'But surely sir,' protested Ma-tsu, 'no amount of polishing will make a brick into a mirror.' 'And so also,' returned the Master, 'no amount of sitting cross-legged will make you into a Buddha. ********************************************************* A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!" "It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly. A week later, the student came back to his teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's just wonderful!' "It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly ********************************************************* Q: Why do we take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha? A: Because sex, chocolate and alcohol turned out to be impermanent. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hagar Posted March 16, 2009 My friend who is an outdoorsy type, took his daughter of 3 hiking in the Norwegian mountains to show her the beauty of pristine Nature. When they arrived at a particularly scenic view my friend took the opportunity to finally reveal it all to her: "Now look here my girl; Now we are in Nature! Isn't it nice?" his daughter: "No Dad! Now we are here!" My son was drawing while his family was watching. Grandmother; "wow! Look is that a railway?" Grandson; " No, it's a drawing!" h Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Martial Development Posted March 18, 2009 If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him or her, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics, Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sheng zhen Posted March 18, 2009 Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog! hahaha almost! That certainly puts things in perspective! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tumoessence Posted March 18, 2009 One frog says to another " Time is fun when having flies." One night when visiting my girlfriends parents in Texas we decided to go out for Indian food so we called ahead for a table. We got there, gave our name and waited, waited and waited. Finally I said that I didn't think Indians liked reservations. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
contrivedname! Posted March 18, 2009 One frog says to another " Time is fun when having flies." One night when visiting my girlfriends parents in Texas we decided to go out for Indian food so we called ahead for a table. We got there, gave our name and waited, waited and waited. Finally I said that I didn't think Indians liked reservations. excellent job of racial punning Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
doc benway Posted March 19, 2009 Why don't Taoist Immortals tell riddles? They don't know the answers. ... also - not quite a joke - but a song that should lighten any dark, serious moments a Tao Bum might have: GUcXI2BIUOQ I love Nina Simone! I've got my boobies... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wayfarer64 Posted March 19, 2009 http://www.pdgart.com/jokes.html Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ToL Posted March 19, 2009 Not a joke, but a nice thing i've found: Two monks were watching a flag fluttering in the wind. One said, "It's the wind that moves." . The other said, "I disagree, it's the flag that moves." . But another monk standing nearby, said, "It's not the wind, nor the flag." . It's the mind that moves." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DaoWaDiddy Posted March 20, 2009 Back to bulbs: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None - it's a hardware problem. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
thelerner Posted March 20, 2009 Not a joke, but a nice thing i've found: Two monks were watching a flag fluttering in the wind. One said, "It's the wind that moves." . The other said, "I disagree, it's the flag that moves." . But another monk standing nearby, said, "It's not the wind, nor the flag." . It's the mind that moves." A fourth monk was there video taping. He rewound the tape, viewed it and said "Actually the flag is moving" At a taoist temple a young man plays the flute. Everyone cringes, but the head priest says 'You are a great flutest'. The young man leaves happy. A young monk asks him the master 'Why did you compliment the boy?' 'What' replied the old master. 'Why did you say he was a played well?' 'What?' the old master asked again holding a hand to his ear. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
