low libido...in men

[JEN_A_KINS]

I guess my divide by zero understanding would make sense for the normal range of...the scale here. looks certainly couldnt be an issue, unless its like...at the other end of the spectrum and he felt he was too ugly for ya or something along those lines.

 

honestly the only time I would never want to have sex with any girl I was with was when she was pissing me off or otherwise getting on my nerves, because sex isnt just getting your rocks off. if there's love and intimacy all wound up with that, invariably it would be that I wound up rather masturbating as opposed to even trying to have sex with 'er at all. I cant have all pissed off-ness towards someone and then make a deep loving connection like that...it just kinda degrades the sex to the point where it IS just getting your rocks off...and that's when I get bored with it. so I can sympathize with screwing to the point of not wanting to screw, but when its more/deeper than just hot monkey sex...

 

bottom line of a bunch of these posts, something's gotta be bothering the dude.

 

 

I would have to agree...something is deffinately botherig him.

[JEN_A_KINS]

I would have to agree...something is deffinately botherig him.

 

lol, joe.....hot monkey sex....i needed that laugh this morning. You may be onto something about thinking he is too ugly for me. I personally think he is gorgeous, and I'm not that bad either, but when we first started dating he used to tell me that I was too good for him and that he didn't want to screw my life up....I finally got him to stop talking that way after a few months. I personally believe that no one is "too good" for anyone, it's just all about chemistry.

I agree something is bothering him. And what ever it is has been an issue long before we met. I hope I am not coming across as some sex addict....I'm not. But, I am human and have a very healthy sex drive. If he were some random hook up, I wouldn't be worried. I feel that there is a lack of intimacy because of the lack of sex. Yes, I have offered oral sex and hand jobs and no I don't just wait for it to happen. I try to initiate it the majority of the time. He preforms quiet well when we do have sex...so I don't think that's the issue.

[Taoist81]

Why is Korean Ginseng not recommended for this condition? I always thought that Korean Ginseng can help with libido/erection issues.

 

Also, I notice that TomKat is being recommended. But can a hot herb like Tongkat Ali be taken on a regular basis? What about "Dragon Jing"? I have read good things about it.

 

Herbs should not be given like Western drugs. You can't just say "oh, you have symptom x so take". They require (in most cases) a full diagnosis with pulse, tongue, ten questions and all.

[Yoda]

JEN_A_KINS,

 

The only thing I can think of is that he's in the closet. That would fit with his "you are too good for me, I don't want to mess your life up" thing. Was he raised fundamentalist?

 

Your pal,

Yoda

[三江源]

.

Edited April 6, 2015 by 三江源

[Taoist81]

It isnt unheard of for blokes to feel intimidated by attractive women who are sexually happy in their skin and multi orgasmic.

 

It's a bit of a secret though, I dont think we are supposed to talk about it.

 

 

Quite the contrary, you should talk about it (to SO's at least). It is quite refreshing for us "blokes" who are not intimidated by it.

[joeblast]

lol, joe.....hot monkey sex....i needed that laugh this morning. You may be onto something about thinking he is too ugly for me. I personally think he is gorgeous, and I'm not that bad either, but when we first started dating he used to tell me that I was too good for him and that he didn't want to screw my life up....I finally got him to stop talking that way after a few months. I personally believe that no one is "too good" for anyone, it's just all about chemistry.

I agree something is bothering him. And what ever it is has been an issue long before we met. I hope I am not coming across as some sex addict....I'm not. But, I am human and have a very healthy sex drive. If he were some random hook up, I wouldn't be worried. I feel that there is a lack of intimacy because of the lack of sex. Yes, I have offered oral sex and hand jobs and no I don't just wait for it to happen. I try to initiate it the majority of the time. He preforms quiet well when we do have sex...so I don't think that's the issue.

hehehe I always love passing around laughs!

I can sympathize with 'not wanting to screw anyone else's life up' - I've felt that way plenty often myself. Sounds like there's some aspect of his life that he's not comfy with, or whatever assembly of words you can come up with to accurately describe the bucket he's in presently. For me it was...well, my boy was born 2 months before I turned 18 and my life has been upside down but not bad, but its seemed plenty often that I've only wound up screwing up the people I date (in a very tiny nutshell ) So it seems like yall need to find out what's holding him back...and its tough to bring stuff like that up in a positive context. Consider words carefully and I'm sure you'll be able to bridge that gap.

 

yeah, I dont know what made me think of this jason lee quote from chasing amy... @ inappropriateness "All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'..." but of course that isnt all that's wanted, it just makes the trip more enjoyable

 

lack of intimacy because of lack of sex, or lack of sex because of lack or aversion to intimacy?

Edited May 5, 2009 by joeblast

[Deepbluesea]

It isnt unheard of for blokes to feel intimidated by attractive women who are sexually happy in their skin and multi orgasmic.

 

It's a bit of a secret though, I dont think we are supposed to talk about it.

 

 

Haha. No intimidation here, I'm not sure why a guy would be. I think that it is just the opposite.

[Mal]

I feel that there is a lack of intimacy because of the lack of sex. Yes, I have offered oral sex and hand jobs and no I don't just wait for it to happen. I try to initiate it the majority of the time. He preforms quiet well when we do have sex...so I don't think that's the issue.

 

So you are stuck in the mirror of my relationship I'm really sorry.

 

Just a few thoughts. I've spent years offering oral along with various other approaches, all basically variations on begging With hugely different levels of drive it's very difficult for the active partner to avoid pestering all the time (e.g. you just asked me last month, but I've been waiting for an ENTIRE MONTH) {you can even replace month with years} Not sure about you but it often feels like "if I could just get enough I'd be happy to back off to a lot less". You finally have some success and want more of the same (at last) , they have "given in" and therefor want a break for a bit....

 

2 recent ideas that have helped.

 

1. Treat your partner like a cat not a dog. i.e. If you want a cat to come play with you, try to ignore it and just do something interesting you like. Eventually it will investigate. A bit of a refocus on the oral offer, there are plenty of sexy things you can "accidentally" be discovered doing. Always fun (usually) for guys

 

2. another one is I talk WAY to much about sex and intimate things, I especially enjoy talking about "last time" it basically embarrasses my partner, a lot. So I now have a "talking stick" and I won't bring up sex stuff without the talking stick (& she can hide /steal it)

 

And if neither of this work, and you still want to stay with him you might need to renegotiate the agreement into something that gives you more freedom.

 

Could seriously destroy everything, or make your life livable. Sex isn't everything so if there is other great stuff in the relationship and sex is the deal breaker could be worth a try. If you can make it work it really takes the pressure off everyone.

 

BTW. "He preforms quiet well" I hope you didn't tell him that, even when true anything less that "Best EVER" is really depressing unless you are super confident...... well even then it hurts

 

I would also consider looking into some Pick Up Artist stuff, just for yourself.

[Easynow]

Hi Jenakins,

 

One possibility - this is not necessarily a PROBLEM. It could be his natural way.

 

I see people recommending herbs. These may help at a certain level.

 

But at a deeper level, it is more likely mental/emotional/spiritual blocks regarding sex.

Like, fear of his own power as a man, anxiety with his performance, buried resentment at women or with you, shame for having sexual urges.

He could be depressed.

 

If it is this stuff, and you are serious about making things work with him, then you will need to provide a very safe environment for him to feel safe talking about this stuff. How emotionally intimate are you two?

[CarsonZi]

A shot in the dark from WAAAAAY out in left field....

 

Could he be gay and not wanting to admit this to himself?

 

Love,

Carson

[JEN_A_KINS]

Hi Jenakins,

 

One possibility - this is not necessarily a PROBLEM. It could be his natural way.

 

I see people recommending herbs. These may help at a certain level.

 

But at a deeper level, it is more likely mental/emotional/spiritual blocks regarding sex.

Like, fear of his own power as a man, anxiety with his performance, buried resentment at women or with you, shame for having sexual urges.

He could be depressed.

 

If it is this stuff, and you are serious about making things work with him, then you will need to provide a very safe environment for him to feel safe talking about this stuff. How emotionally intimate are you two?

 

he is very affectionate, always hugging me, kissing, telling me loves me. when he has a problem, he doesn't always tell me right away, but i can tell. with a little coaxing, he will open right up. we have talked about this problem several times, and he always gets emotional...he says he knows it isn't fair to me....honestly, since this is the only area in our relationship that isn't quiet right, i could live with not having sex but 6-7 times a year.

 

A shot in the dark from WAAAAAY out in left field....

 

Could he be gay and not wanting to admit this to himself?

 

Love,

Carson

 

 

lol.....sorry that is really not very funny.....but i can't help it. i seriously doubt he is gay. but hey, i could be some buckethead that had never thought of that one, so thanks for the suggestion.

[Pietro]

It isnt unheard of for blokes to feel intimidated by attractive women who are sexually happy in their skin and multi orgasmic.

 

It's a bit of a secret though, I dont think we are supposed to talk about it.

 

Yep, look under Madonna/Whore complex.

[JEN_A_KINS]

So you are stuck in the mirror of my relationship I'm really sorry.

 

Just a few thoughts. I've spent years offering oral along with various other approaches, all basically variations on begging With hugely different levels of drive it's very difficult for the active partner to avoid pestering all the time (e.g. you just asked me last month, but I've been waiting for an ENTIRE MONTH) {you can even replace month with years} Not sure about you but it often feels like "if I could just get enough I'd be happy to back off to a lot less". You finally have some success and want more of the same (at last) , they have "given in" and therefor want a break for a bit....

 

2 recent ideas that have helped.

 

1. Treat your partner like a cat not a dog. i.e. If you want a cat to come play with you, try to ignore it and just do something interesting you like. Eventually it will investigate. A bit of a refocus on the oral offer, there are plenty of sexy things you can "accidentally" be discovered doing. Always fun (usually) for guys

 

2. another one is I talk WAY to much about sex and intimate things, I especially enjoy talking about "last time" it basically embarrasses my partner, a lot. So I now have a "talking stick" and I won't bring up sex stuff without the talking stick (& she can hide /steal it)

Could seriously destroy everything, or make your life livable. Sex isn't everything so if there is other great stuff in the relationship and sex is the deal breaker could be worth a try. If you can make it work it really takes the pressure off everyone.

 

BTW. "He preforms quiet well" I hope you didn't tell him that, even when true anything less that "Best EVER" is really depressing unless you are super confident...... well even then it hurts

 

I would also consider looking into some Pick Up Artist stuff, just for yourself.

 

mal,

....i would never tell him that he preforms quiet well...lol. as far as he knows, he is the very best and that's why i want more! i do like the suggestion of treating him like a cat, maybe that's the approach i need to take. he has no problem "helping" me when he has "accidently caught me"...lol. although, it's not exactly the help i would like, it's still something. as far as having an open relationship, or permission to have sex with other men, i have entertained the thought, but the problem with that is that i just don't see it ending well....either whomever i'm bumpin uglies with is going to get in the way, he is going to get jealous, or i am going to have feelings for the other person.....sometimes it sucks to have feelings...lol...just kidding

[Yoda]

lol.....sorry that is really not very funny.....but i can't help it. i seriously doubt he is gay. but hey, i could be some buckethead that had never thought of that one, so thanks for the suggestion.

 

 

That happened to a good friend of mine and nobody saw it coming. Her support over the years liberated him and he fledged. Fortunately, she found another extraordinary partner so it all worked out fine for all parties.

[goldisheavy]

It isnt unheard of for blokes to feel intimidated by attractive women who are sexually happy in their skin and multi orgasmic.

 

It's a bit of a secret though, I dont think we are supposed to talk about it.

 

That's crazy. Everyone knows in 2009 that women can have many orgasms and being intimidated by it is just silly. On the other hand, a man can be intimidated by the looks+aura+presence+charisma+magic of a woman. I am putting so many descriptors with the plus sign because I don't think any of them describe properly what it is that's scary. Maybe it's a feeling like, "how can anyone be so sure of themselves and confident and comfortable in their own skin? don't they have any flaws and weaknesses?" Maybe that's what's scary? I don't know.

 

But if you say it's just knowing that a woman can have many orgasms... I can't believe this is scary at all. That's nothing. Men can have many orgasms too, btw. Men can even ejaculate many times as well. Twice, for sure. But probably more with some training. And if you train not to ejaculate you can probably have orgasms without end, as a man. The thing is... at some point it becomes pointless. Sexual pleasure is good, but is it THAT good that it's worth training for it and structuring your entire life around it? That's why there aren't that many takers for tantric sex. It's too much work for not enough reward. Just my take.

 

/random blurb mode off

[Chozen Wan]

As I was reading your post, I had to double check to make sure it wasn't my wife posting this message! I can relate to what your bf is experiencing; the low libido, the frustrations, etc.

 

I'm not going to pretend I can speak on behalf of your bf, but maybe it will be helpful to get perspective from someone who is experiencing something similar.

 

I experienced a lot of frustration whenever this was the topic of conversation. With help from my wife, she was able to get me to open up, not only to her but more importantly she got me to open up with myself. She was very patient with me, and was always clear on her intent <this was key for me>, which wasn't to complain but to explore and to discover. This helped tremendously since it lead me to self-exploration and self-discovery about this subject. You did say your bf is emotional and opens up to you, but this particular subject may be uncomfortable for him to talk about. This goes back to what EasyNow said about creating a safe/comfortable emotional environment for the both of you to talk. Taking that a half step further, make it a safe/comfortable emotional environment for this particular topic.

 

Easynow had other strong points about "fear of his own power as a man, anxiety performance, burried resentment," etc etc. The human psyche is something worth exploring and in understanding it comes the realization of the vast influence it has on everything. The hard part of dealing with the psyche, is it seems so subtle and in the beginning it's hard to distinguish the psyche from all the noise surrounding it. It also takes a lot of honesty, with each other and ones self before one can begin to perceive it.

 

I also agree with Pietro, I have realized there is some type of disconnect with the body. The pleasure is more in the mind than with the body for me. I'm trying to figure out how to overcome something like this, if it's even possible.

 

Also, I would like to explore what Song Yongdao had to say, "A rather Yin guy huh?". I'm exactly as he/she described... tight neck/shoulders, sporadic eating patterns. For me at least, this returns back to the idea of energy. In my mulling's over energy, one begins to see that maybe one's energy and one's psyche are indistinguishable. Which then begs the question, does healing of one of them inherently mean you are healing the other? Perhaps (this probably should be discussed in different post).

 

Well, hope this helps you and your bf!

[Deepbluesea]

"honestly, since this is the only area in our relationship that isn't quiet right, i could live with not having sex but 6-7 times a year."

 

 

Haha, I told my wife about your situation. When I told her about the 6-7 times per year her eyes really lit up ... she would like to meet your guy.

 

Maybe you are not in as bad of a predicament as you thought ...

 

Damn, I'm kind of embarrassed, but she's pretty tired tonight.

[freeform]

You've had some great advice so far in terms of nutritional solutions and what the problems could be...

 

I can offer some advice of what you can do yourself... I've no idea what the problem really is, or know you or him at all, so rather than diagnosing i have a few suggestions that might work or might not.

 

Firstly - approach this thing as a creative challenge rather than a 'problem that needs to be fixed'... if there is a shift in your view of this, then it will no doubt help him shift his view too. Seems like he's really embarrassed about it, and it's a sore-point - he probably sees it as a problem, a major failing/flaw of his... of course this perspective is obviously not helping things, right? Your shift in perspective will energetically rub off on him.

 

So - it's no longer a problem, but a creative challenge... something to be playful with - not serious and grave about...

 

Firstly, to make the shift - stop trying to 'get sex' from him. I'm sure it makes you feel silly and him uncomfortable... There needs to be a shift where he tries to get sex from you! This could feel better for both of you!

 

So this is how it works... let's pretend there is a certain 'dance' that activates sexual feelings... now the dance is metaphorical... it's just a certain interplay of behaviours and energies that cause arousal... For example - maybe not a great example for a girl, but still - if you ever watch sports, or any contests, the most amount of excitment occurs when there is a powerful "Push - Pull" interaction going on...

 

We all want our team to win, but we're much more excited when we're nearly losing, then suddenly we turn it around and almost winning, then suddenly we're nearly losing again... this is push-pull... if your team is definitely winning, and there is no competition, there's little excitment... do you see how this relates to your situation? and how it relates to this dance I'm talking about?

 

Another way to look at it is how one gets a fire started with just two sticks... it takes friction... the friction of Push (yang) and Pull (yin) creates the heat necessary for a flame... it's this friction or tension that sparks the flame... if it's all comfortable, no tension, then there's no flame.

 

Soooo.... some applicable push-pull situtions: (and maybe others can join in with suggestions...?)

 

Remember the playful attitude!! Don't do this in a manipulative way - this is all about playfully ecouraging the right sort of friction! ( )

 

so one way of looking at it is Push = giving attention, Pull = withdrawing attention... so for example giving a passionate kiss, then non-chalantly walk away and go about your business... or spark some intensity by looking deeply in the eyes, then the lips, then the eyes, allow yourself to feel 'excited' ( ) then when you can feel a subtle response from him, give him a giggle and run away (into another room or something)...

 

Just use this principle of Push = yang = attention/affection/touch etc. and Pull = yin = withdrawl of or opposite of attention/affection/touch etc.

 

for example - and this might sound a little rude out of context, but sometimes I find myself saying "I love you.... my little slut" (so push=affection, pull=crudeness) or Me: "I missed you sweetie" Her: "aww really!?" Me: "No. "

 

All of this sparks passion if done with the right intention (playfully)... the idea is to keep doing it! it's very easy to let the tension 'collapse'... like if you immediatly jump him when he shows sexual interest, the tension will collapse... but if you keep building and building and building the tension... well.... you'll see

 

Good sex also works in the same way - you build and build up to climax, then slow down just before - the arousal deminishes... then you build and build and build again... and repeat it over and over again untill you're in almost constant sexual ecstasy - and again - it's easy to just give in to temptation and climax before you reach that level... anyway - sexual examples are probably not a good idea, considering how frustrated you must feel

[Easynow]

Hey Jenakins,

 

You say he gets 'emotional' - does he also close down and constrict when he gets emotional, or can his consciousness be open and can he express the thoughts and feelings honestly? I get an intuition he has some kind of messed up feelings about sex that he doesn't understand himself. Low self esteem, feeling 'he is not enough', maybe. The fact he said this to you is suggestive that he not only still feels this way, but also represses this out of shame as you have asked him not to talk in this way. If that is the case perhaps he just does not feel comfortable sharing every aspect of himself with you. Just an idea.

 

I don't know, sex is a really complicated subject. Real intimacy and trust would be the context for positive change, however.

 

Mindgames & PUA tricks like this 'cat' shit would probably not provide a real cure. Just more manipulation and mistrust.

 

Best

 

Jack

[三江源]

.

Edited April 6, 2015 by 三江源

[freeform]

just as another perspective.. that push - pull stuff that Freeform was describing, verbally, really pisses me off. Sooooooo irritating.

 

 

Cat, do you mean just the 'verbal' examples I gave, or the whole concept?

 

 

I find that the 'level' on which the push-pull works really depends on the people and the relationship...

 

Certainly sometimes verbal, behavioural or even physical 'teasing' just doesn't create the tension I was describing. The push-pull can also be on a very subtle, energetic level...

 

 

Everyone is different!

 

Also - this push-pull - it's just an observation - not some 'rule' you 'try and do'... notice it happening already and then play with it gently... like if you have a tub of water and you notice the water slowly sloshing from one side to the other, you can pick the tub up on one side and follow the rhythm to increase the amplitude, or counter it to stop the waves altogether... dunno if this makes sense...

 

80% awareness, 20% 'doing'

[de_paradise]

Jennakins, seeing that you have physical beauty, somehow outrank him in terms of attributes, as you said-- could it be that you have consciously or unconsciously chosen a relationship/man where you can be somehow dominant? If this is the relationship dynamics, it wouldnt surprise me, his thunder/yang/maleness gets dampened. The price you pay for a more secure relationship.

 

I groaned when I read that you initiated sex each time, and completely agree with Freeform about not "getting" sex from him, and that has to shift. "There needs to be a shift where he tries to get sex from you!" Unless that pattern changes, which is key, the frequency will not change.

 

That said, we are all somehow assuming social norms for what a sex life should be like, and as a practising Taoist/Buddhist, I don't even subscribe to that level of frequency.

[Pietro]

just as another perspective.. that push - pull stuff that Freeform was describing, verbally, really pisses me off. Sooooooo irritating.

 

Pushpull is an art.

 

Among people that do not know each other:

The aim of the pushpull is to have sex with a person. The fact that this person might find part of the process annoying is irrelevant. One way the person solves this annoyance is by walking away. Another is by having sex with you. You still have risen your percentage of success, sometimes from 0% to 50%. Hey that is great!

 

But then it can be done in many ways, and even after you have learned it it takes a lifetime to master it.

At some point you will have a partner, you still will use it, but by mastering it you will learn not to make someone annoyed, but just to awaken them from their boredom and torpor. But we shouldn't be the ones to teach you this. Girls learn this automatically, it's in their genes. It is just males who are so retarded that need to have it spelled out.

[gendao]

Jennakins, seeing that you have physical beauty, somehow outrank him in terms of attributes, as you said-- could it be that you have consciously or unconsciously chosen a relationship/man where you can be somehow dominant?

Yea, diagnosis can be like a detective case...

 

Logically, what you want to look for is patterns to help ID the common denominator/root cause. Obviously, he has a pattern here, which could be due to a variety of causes from spiritual to xenoestrogens... Although due to his younger age and fact that when he does get the urge, he functions fine...I would lean towards a spiritual/emotional cause - rather than physical.

 

But, might JAK have a pattern as well? Remember, we are the common denominator in all our relationships. So, if she consistently finds herself subconsciously attracting "low-driven" men in relationships, it could represent a reflection of something internal.

 

Perhaps she has a fear of losing control from a high sex drive - whether it's her own or her man's. Perhaps in a "past life," she was cheated on repeatedly by a guy with a high libido. So now she would rather have one with a "safe" low libido than a high one.

 

But if this is not a pattern for her, then I guess the problem would lie primarily with him...