low libido...in men

[freeform]

Pushpull is an art.

 

Among people that do not know each other:

The aim of the pushpull is to have sex with a person. The fact that this person might find part of the process annoying is irrelevant. One way the person solves this annoyance is by walking away. Another is by having sex with you. You still have risen your percentage of success, sometimes from 0% to 50%. Hey that is great!

 

I tried to avoid making it seem like a technique!

 

If you treat it like a 'technique' or with a goal in mind you'll lose the fun of it... maybe that's the 'art' of it

 

And yes - I do agree that this is about arousal (not just the sexy kind either), friction and tension - not 'comfort'... with arousal often all kinds of emotions come up... That's kind of the point, and that's why it's important to deal with it lightly and as fun rather than as some kind of goal-oriented 'technique'... be attentive and be playful.

[JEN_A_KINS]

Yea, diagnosis can be like a detective case...

 

Logically, what you want to look for is patterns to help ID the common denominator/root cause. Obviously, he has a pattern here, which could be due to a variety of causes from spiritual to xenoestrogens... Although due to his younger age and fact that when he does get the urge, he functions fine...I would lean towards a spiritual/emotional cause - rather than physical.

 

But, might JAK have a pattern as well? Remember, we are the common denominator in all our relationships. So, if she consistently finds herself subconsciously attracting "low-driven" men in relationships, it could represent a reflection of something internal.

 

Perhaps she has a fear of losing control from a high sex drive - whether it's her own or her man's. Perhaps in a "past life," she was cheated on repeatedly by a guy with a high libido. So now she would rather have one with a "safe" low libido than a high one.

 

But if this is not a pattern for her, then I guess the problem would lie primarily with him...

 

Actually, this is the first time i have been with someone who had a lower drive than myself. But, you may be on to something, my sons father, whom i was with for 5 years, was very sexually active...to the point of cheating on me when i was pregnant. So, subconcously, it could be that I have chosen to stay with someone who is "safe" as you put it.

[三江源]

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Edited April 6, 2015 by 三江源

[JEN_A_KINS]

I tried to avoid making it seem like a technique!

 

If you treat it like a 'technique' or with a goal in mind you'll lose the fun of it... maybe that's the 'art' of it

 

And yes - I do agree that this is about arousal (not just the sexy kind either), friction and tension - not 'comfort'... with arousal often all kinds of emotions come up... That's kind of the point, and that's why it's important to deal with it lightly and as fun rather than as some kind of goal-oriented 'technique'... be attentive and be playful.

 

 

i think the "push-pull" idea. it may be a good idea in my case. He and I tend to "pick" at one another anyway. It's just how we play. I have never though of using it as a means of ....foreplay i guess is the word i am looking for.

[gendao]

Actually, this is the first time i have been with someone who had a lower drive than myself. But, you may be on to something, my sons father, whom i was with for 5 years, was very sexually active...to the point of cheating on me when i was pregnant. So, subconcously, it could be that I have chosen to stay with someone who is "safe" as you put it.

BINGO!

 

Anyhow, you can clear that association out and replace it with something more positive. Because I'm sure that what you really want is a faithful guy, not a guy with a low libido. Which are not necessarily synonymous.

 

Your man may have some similar issues, but possibly stemming back to earlier years or even "past lives," given that he is apparently not aware of any obvious events that could have caused the dip. You might try seeing a ThetaHealer or other good intuitive energetic healer who can dig out these types of subconscious issues & blocks...

[JEN_A_KINS]

"honestly, since this is the only area in our relationship that isn't quiet right, i could live with not having sex but 6-7 times a year."

Haha, I told my wife about your situation. When I told her about the 6-7 times per year her eyes really lit up ... she would like to meet your guy.

 

Maybe you are not in as bad of a predicament as you thought ...

 

Damn, I'm kind of embarrassed, but she's pretty tired tonight.

now, now....no bragging.

[CarsonZi]

I love you guys ya know, even when you make me retch some.

 

[joeblast]

I'm probably not the best to give any stay together advice right now, esp since I just pulled the ripcord on a long termer myself

[Pietro]

now, now....no bragging.

Now JEN, you don't come to a taoist forum, expecting us not to brag. We all brag. We are able to have more orgasms than our women, and we give them a lot. As my gf said to her girlfriends before we were together:

"You need to try the taoist before you die!"

 

 

I tried to avoid making it seem like a technique!

 

If you treat it like a 'technique' or with a goal in mind you'll lose the fun of it...

 

 

I stand corrected

 

(I bet you never expected me to say this )

[Mal]

[Deepbluesea]

now, now....no bragging.

 

haha, If I was bragging I would have said that she is begging for it 24/7. Unfortunately (be careful what you wish for) that is not the case. I was trying to show that many women would probably be happy not to have their men always bugging them about sex. My wife says she would be when she is tired, but she and I really know better (maybe a little brag).

 

Society has really screwed us all with the marketing of sex. Its just like cars, houses, and iphones, we want to make sure that we have AT LEAST as much as everyone else, instead of just enough ... we want the large chocolate shake instead of the small and if we don't have what everyone else claims to have, it is a problem we need a pill or do this or ... what were we talking about again...

 

It sounds like to me after several pages of posts you are probably getting a handle this and I love this site because of the incredible advice and insight you have gotten (I've learned a lot too). You obviously have a huge heart: you take clothes to the ex in jail, you help the kid out trying to travel, you try and "fix" (bad term, sorry) the guy you are with now. Its great to have a huge heart and to help, but are you calling these people and situations to you? Does Jen ever get a chance to do what Jen wants? Or is the entirety of the energy of Jen trying to fix other people's problems?

 

I can't find "The Prophet" by Gibran right now (really pisses me off when I can't find something). But he has a quote that has always stuck in my mind about love and since I can't find it I hope I can get a paraphrase close -- No I'm not even going to try, I can't do it justice. Helping others and loving all is fantastic but I THINK (just my two cents) that you have to strike a balance ... you have to take care of yourself too.

[松永道]

I can't find "The Prophet" by Gibran right now (really pisses me off when I can't find something). But he has a quote that has always stuck in my mind about love and since I can't find it I hope I can get a paraphrase close -- No I'm not even going to try, I can't do it justice. Helping others and loving all is fantastic but I THINK (just my two cents) that you have to strike a balance ... you have to take care of yourself too.

 

ｄｕｄｅ．．　ｙｏｕ＇ｒｅ　ｎｅｖｅｒ　ｗｉｔｈｏｕｔ　ｔｈｅ　ｐｒｏｐｈｅｔ．　Ｂｕｔ　ｌｉｋｅ　ａｌｌ　ｇｒｅａｔ　ｃｌａｓｓｉｃｓ，　ｙｏｕ　ｓｈｏｕｌｄ　ｒｅａｌｌｙ　ｐｕｔ　ｔｈｅ　ｂｅｓｔ　ｐａｒｔｓ　ｔｏ　ｍｅｍｏｒｙ．　Ｏｎ　Ｌｏｖｅ．．　Ｉ＇ｌｌ　ｌｅｔ　ｙｏｕ　ｆｉｎｄ　ｙｏｕｒ　ｏｗｎ　ｑｕｏｔｅ．

 

Ｏｎ　ｔｈｅ　ｍａｎ，　ａ　ｓａｆｅ　ｇｕｙ？　　Ａｌｌ　ｓｉｇｎｓ　ｓｔｉｌｌ　ｐｏｉｎｔ　ｔｏ　ａ　ｐｒｅｐｏｎｄｅｒａｎｃｅ　ｏｆ　Ｙｉｎ／ｌａｃｋ　ｏｆ　Ｙａｎｇ．　　Ｎｏｗ　ｔｈｅｒｅ　ａｒｅ　ｗａｙｓ　ｔｏ　ｒｅｍｅｄｙ　ｔｈｅ　ｓｉｔｕａｔｉｏｎ．　　Ｂｕｔ　ｔｈｅ　ｑｕｅｓｔｉｏｎ　ｉｓ，　ｄｏｅｓ　ｈｅ　ｗａｎｔ　ｔｏ　ｃｈａｎｇｅ？

[宁]

http://www.healthfreedomusa.org/?p=563

[JEN_A_KINS]

haha, If I was bragging I would have said that she is begging for it 24/7. Unfortunately (be careful what you wish for) that is not the case. I was trying to show that many women would probably be happy not to have their men always bugging them about sex. My wife says she would be when she is tired, but she and I really know better (maybe a little brag).

 

Society has really screwed us all with the marketing of sex. Its just like cars, houses, and iphones, we want to make sure that we have AT LEAST as much as everyone else, instead of just enough ... we want the large chocolate shake instead of the small and if we don't have what everyone else claims to have, it is a problem we need a pill or do this or ... what were we talking about again...

 

It sounds like to me after several pages of posts you are probably getting a handle this and I love this site because of the incredible advice and insight you have gotten (I've learned a lot too). You obviously have a huge heart: you take clothes to the ex in jail, you help the kid out trying to travel, you try and "fix" (bad term, sorry) the guy you are with now. Its great to have a huge heart and to help, but are you calling these people and situations to you? Does Jen ever get a chance to do what Jen wants? Or is the entirety of the energy of Jen trying to fix other people's problems?

 

I can't find "The Prophet" by Gibran right now (really pisses me off when I can't find something). But he has a quote that has always stuck in my mind about love and since I can't find it I hope I can get a paraphrase close -- No I'm not even going to try, I can't do it justice. Helping others and loving all is fantastic but I THINK (just my two cents) that you have to strike a balance ... you have to take care of yourself too.

 

Its great to have a huge heart and to help, but are you calling these people and situations to you? Does Jen ever get a chance to do what Jen wants? Or is the entirety of the energy of Jen trying to fix other people's problems?

 

To answer your question, No, Jen rarely gets to do what Jen wants. I have been putting myself on the back burner for so long, it's just become a part of who I am. I grew up always taking care of my siblings, then had my son and devoted myself to taking care of him....and now with my bf as well....it has become a vicous cycle I suppose. Old habits are hard to break....I know I will always want to help others, it's just part of who I am, but if I don't take care of myself, no one else will.

 

I am working towards finding a healthy balance. Breathing exercises and meditation have become a part of my daily routine for the past few weeks and even though it's only an hour a day, it really feels good to spend time on just me.

 

I appreciate all the advice and opinions everyone has offered. I really didn't expect this type of response to my question. I'm glad I "stumbled" acrossed this site. Thanks everyone.

[joeblast]

That balance is something you'll need in your life, otherwise in a number of years you'll likely wind up feeling rather lost. Be sure to make that time for yourself, even if it is just sitting to clear your mind for an hour or so each day - it'll do you wonders.

Put your oxygen mask on before assisting others

[JEN_A_KINS]

That balance is something you'll need in your life, otherwise in a number of years you'll likely wind up feeling rather lost. Be sure to make that time for yourself, even if it is just sitting to clear your mind for an hour or so each day - it'll do you wonders.

Put your oxygen mask on before assisting others

 

Thanks joe, i intend on making that a priority from now on.

[joeblast]

Yeah, reading that I could just hear the echoes of my mom's voice complaining that she feels like a doormat

 

Good luck!!!

[Wayfarer64]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kegel_exercise

 

As a guy; saying you don't have the urge for sex, usually means you are bored with sex and masturbation is more pleasurable. I've known a few women who really had incredible muscle strength and could make a grip that would break your hand, I'd never get bored of sex with them.

 

Jen- It sounds like an avoidance issue, fear of intimacy etc...If yr avatar is you -than you are indeed attractive, so do not blame yrself!

 

MPG-

The women of Maduro- just North of Eastern Java are reknowned for their muscle use & do have amazing powers ... But that is taught by training which begins very early in life and is practiced and refined as they grow more worldly...

 

So back to your problem Jen- that may not be a practicle solution...-

 

Raising the guys' Yang energy levels may help ... Red meat - in small quantities -the old oysters for dinner has some merit too, protien in general may help him... Ginger tea Ginsing too...

 

It sounds like you've little luck in love... Better days ahead!

Edited May 7, 2009 by Wayfarer64

[rodgerj]

Edited March 22, 2010 by rodgerj

[contrivedname!]

you seem like a rather open individual as you are able to post something of this degree in an open internet forum.

 

i would ask the question, how open is your relationship with him? ie do you both share your issues with each other and try to help each other through them or is he closed up and you feel like you have to guess how he feels? if the communication feels like it is going one-way or in conflict that could be a problem, like maybe there are somethings he feels deep rooted that he is uncomfortable even confronting himself, let alone with you. perhaps he has some unresolved issues still lingering in his past that make intimacy difficult for him? do you know the answers to any of the above questions?

 

-chris

[JEN_A_KINS]

you seem like a rather open individual as you are able to post something of this degree in an open internet forum.

 

i would ask the question, how open is your relationship with him? ie do you both share your issues with each other and try to help each other through them or is he closed up and you feel like you have to guess how he feels? if the communication feels like it is going one-way or in conflict that could be a problem, like maybe there are somethings he feels deep rooted that he is uncomfortable even confronting himself, let alone with you. perhaps he has some unresolved issues still lingering in his past that make intimacy difficult for him? do you know the answers to any of the above questions?

 

-chris

Chris,

We have a pretty open relationship. He might not always tell me immediately what's bothering him, but he will get to it. We had a serious talk last night actually. I believe I have found the root of his problem.

He has been a little "off" all week and I could tell something was bothering him. He asked me if we could talk and of course I was all ears. He is always there for me when I need him, and I try like hell to be there for him too. He told me last night that reason he has been in a bad mood all week is because Mother's Day is coming up. Now, I've always known that his mother ran off when he was 2 years old and left him and his sister to be raised by his dad. He has always acted as if he didn't care to have anything to do with her....as if he were indifferent about the situation. Last night he broke down and told me that he has always felt that he wasn't worth a shit because even his own mother couldn't love him. BINGO!!!! I think that has ALOT to do with his low libido...deep rooted resentment of women due to the fact that his mother left him!!! I hate that he feels this way, but I can kind of understand. I didnt' met my father until I was 16, so I know how it feels. When I was a kid, I always felt like I wasn't good enough because my dad left. After a few years of therapy, I have excepted the fact that he was the one who wasn't good enough. I mentioned how therapy helped me and he seemed open to the idea.

 

Thanks for all the advice and support everyone.

 

~Jenn~

[CarsonZi]

Looks like you have found the/a crux of the matter here Jen_A_Kins....

 

Time for some extra sensitivity from you in this area, and time for him to start investigating. I will send you that book asap as I know it will help. Good luck.

 

Love,

Carson

[gendao]

Now, I've always known that his mother ran off when he was 2 years old and left him and his sister to be raised by his dad. He has always acted as if he didn't care to have anything to do with her....as if he were indifferent about the situation. Last night he broke down and told me that he has always felt that he wasn't worth a shit because even his own mother couldn't love him. BINGO!!!! I think that has ALOT to do with his low libido...deep rooted resentment of women due to the fact that his mother left him!!!

Yap, just as I suspected...a spiritual/emotional cause - rather than physical - from earlier years.

 

Good job, proper diagnosis is at least half the battle. If not often most of it. Hopefully, that is the root cause or a big chunk of it...

[de_paradise]

A very effective and time-saving method of therapy is " 5-path hypnotherapy" which age regresses the patient in order to make peace with and resolve emotional issues of the past that are effecting the present. If it is the mother's abandonment that is causing the libido issue, this will come up in the therapy. IF the reason is something else, then that something else will come up.

[JEN_A_KINS]

A very effective and time-saving method of therapy is " 5-path hypnotherapy" which age regresses the patient in order to make peace with and resolve emotional issues of the past that are effecting the present. If it is the mother's abandonment that is causing the libido issue, this will come up in the therapy. IF the reason is something else, then that something else will come up.

 

 

thanks, i just searched our area and found several centers that provide the 5-path hypnothereapy.