How to help a sig. other with her depression?

[Unconditioned]

So I don't usual post solicitation for advice but I'd like to help my fiance from an 'aware' point of view rather than a strictly logical point of view - my typical, conditioned, helping-method.

 

I'm a logical thinker and she's much more emotional so we tend to have a rift when things get tough for her. I've tried to show her that the problems she's facing aren't as bad as they seem but that comes off to her as cold and uncaring.

 

She's very clingy and was out with some new friends that are very independent. Long story short they were busting her chops about her calling me a couple of times while they were out having a good time and she's taken it very personally, it's stirred up past memories/emotions/depression.

 

So, does anyone have suggestions on how to help someone without just giving them solutions to problems or minimizing their problems? Pain can be a great teacher so I don't know if it's a good idea to let her work through the suffering or to try to help her through it.

 

Maybe a female perspective could help here?

 

In general I'm finding it very difficult to try to help people with their problems (from being a friend standpoint, I'm not looking to be a psychologist).

 

Thanks for the comments in advance,

-Nate

[zinedine]

So I don't usual post solicitation for advice but I'd like to help my fiance from an 'aware' point of view rather than a strictly logical point of view - my typical, conditioned, helping-method.

 

I'm a logical thinker and she's much more emotional so we tend to have a rift when things get tough for her. I've tried to show her that the problems she's facing aren't as bad as they seem but that comes off to her as cold and uncaring.

 

She's very clingy and was out with some new friends that are very independent. Long story short they were busting her chops about her calling me a couple of times while they were out having a good time and she's taken it very personally, it's stirred up past memories/emotions/depression.

 

So, does anyone have suggestions on how to help someone without just giving them solutions to problems or minimizing their problems? Pain can be a great teacher so I don't know if it's a good idea to let her work through the suffering or to try to help her through it.

 

Maybe a female perspective could help here?

 

In general I'm finding it very difficult to try to help people with their problems (from being a friend standpoint, I'm not looking to be a psychologist).

 

Thanks for the comments in advance,

-Nate

 

Hi Nate,

 

I can tell you as a person who has battled a serious depression off and on is that things get really scary and there can be a lot of shame carried by the depressed and fear of abandonment for not being stronger, more fun, etc. So it becomes much more safe to go into hiding. I will tell you one thing that I will cherish for life those friends that stood by me. They were the ones who were not afraid to just treat me like me. She could probably fear the worst, namely that you will confirm that she's not "normal" or "good enough"...so just talking being there for her (AS IF SHE HAD THE FLU) can be enough support for someone to gain some footing to begin their soul searching journey. It was wonderful to get a call from friends who wanted to talk about baseball and didn't treat me as someone "on their deathbed". I feel like I'm rambling, but the depressed person can become very isolated in their own problems and when the pain becomes so great, that's all there is is the pain...so it can be very helpful to talk about external topics (of any sort) to help her get outside her mind.

 

Also, I found great help by getting over the shame enough to go out and seek help from groups, therapists, whatever. It's like we almost need to be able to say "as alcoholics do", "Hi I'm Ted and I have depression (I'm not depression-that's not ALL that I "am"...but I HAVE depression and there is no shame in that)....it's key to get over the shame. So, if you want to stick with her you have to be strong. Personally I think you have to behave in a way around her as if you have 110% confidence that she will get better (believe me she will sense if you doubt her abilities - especially if you break down crying, etc in front of her)...but be a pillar of confidence that this will pass and even now the chemicals in her body are changing at rapid pace...and she will gain strength in herself as she sees that "hmmm...others don't seem to treat me as someone who is unworthy, pitiful, etc." At the same time, the reality is that you could have to cry "in the closet" and go through a very difficult time...but if you truly love this person, they will forever love your being there for them at their hardest times. One last thing: the thing that most helps me get by is a phrase from a Recovery Group: "Move your Muscles". When hurting, just do "something"...wash the dishes, walk up the stairs, fold some clothes...just starting action cycles into more action....but you can't unfortunately tell her to "move your muscles", she has to discover that on her own and want to do that as if it is her own choice.

 

ok...this was a stream of consciousness reply. Hope it helps in some way. If not please ask specific question and I can try to me more concise

[Inedible]

It isn't about solving the problems; it is the being heard and understood. You have been chosen to provide that emotional support and part of the job is to empathize - you are supposed to go along for the emotional ups and downs even when it seems to be all downs. You wouldn't still be in the situation unless you had reasons of your own, if only in the back of your mind. It can be easy to focus on the negative aspects to the point of completely forgetting the good things and that can lead to some serious resentment. If you can find the good things it will be easier to go along for the ride and to recover more easily. It also gets easier to see through the emotional displays to a deeper layer of communication.

[goldisheavy]

You may or may not be able to help. I don't think there any any kind of scientific or step-by-step advice for this. I can't imagine how you can be completely unaffected either. Being in a relationship means to allow another person to impact you. If you're not willing to be somewhat molded by another person, you cannot be in a relationship. This doesn't mean another person determines what you are 100%, but it does mean you are being co-created by you and this other person, together. And the other person is also being co-created by that person and you. That's what it means to be in a relationship. From the point of view of someone who wants to be very independent, relationship is a big sacrifice, and if you're not ready for the sacrifice, you're not ready for a relationship. Of course someone who doesn't crave a lot of independence, it's not a sacrifice at all... for such one being alone might seem like a huge sacrifice.

 

Try listening, and you may want to allow yourself to be moved a little. You don't have to get hysterical and you don't have to drown in her emotions, but if you allow yourself to taste her emotion at least a little, you can avoid the feeling of being cold and create rapport. When you have rapport, suggestions may start working. A single phrase spoken in rapport can take an effect over the coming days. It can be very powerful. You may not need to say a lot or give detailed analysis.

 

Once the feelings cool down, you can attempt a more analytical approach, but it has to be fun. If your analysis is not fun, it will be rejected. No one wants to help themselves by means of drudgery. So the art is to present analysis in a way that's entertaining as well as insightful, especially if you're talking to someone who doesn't have a predilection for analytical thinking. Analysis works great for long-term, but in an emergency I don't know if it's the best approach. It's like weight lifting. If you need to lift 200 lbs right now and it's an emergency, you don't get a gym membership or just now begin doing some calisthenics as your answer. Having a gym membership and/or doing cals will help you 2 years from now, if another situation like that arises. That's how analysis works.

 

Ultimately the person is responsible for their own destiny. You cannot force the person to become anything they don't want to become. The thing that helps the most in cases like this is patience or forbearance. It's willingness to suffer. If you're unwilling to suffer, she will feel how her problems are a huge burden on you and how you are emotionally discarding her as a mere inconvenient burden in order to maintain your own happiness. This will feel selfish to her. If she can feel that you're willing to dive into a pool of shit with her for her sake, at least temporarily, this will gain a lot of trust. You'll win her loyalty because then she'll know you're there for her through thick and thin and not just when the times are fun. To be able to love the person in their bad moments, without being overwhelmed by it, is strength. It's like emotional weight lifting.

 

Ok, so this is a long way of saying, "I have no idea; you're on your own." Good luck!

Edited May 7, 2009 by goldisheavy

[Bum Grasshopper]

[Mal]

[hagar]

It isn't about solving the problems; it is the being heard and understood. You have been chosen to provide that emotional support and part of the job is to empathize - you are supposed to go along for the emotional ups and downs even when it seems to be all downs. You wouldn't still be in the situation unless you had reasons of your own, if only in the back of your mind. It can be easy to focus on the negative aspects to the point of completely forgetting the good things and that can lead to some serious resentment. If you can find the good things it will be easier to go along for the ride and to recover more easily. It also gets easier to see through the emotional displays to a deeper layer of communication.

 

Hear hear

[Unconditioned]

Thank you all for the wise advice. It turns out she just needed to know that someone was there for her rather than being judged or offered up solutions (for this particular case). Showing her confidence and that I care about her was much more effective than saying "you'll be fine, all things come to an end, etc." She needed to feel it, not hear it is my guess.

 

In either case, I really do appreciate the advice so thank you.

[goldisheavy]

Thank you all for the wise advice. It turns out she just needed to know that someone was there for her rather than being judged or offered up solutions (for this particular case). Showing her confidence and that I care about her was much more effective than saying "you'll be fine, all things come to an end, etc." She needed to feel it, not hear it is my guess.

 

In either case, I really do appreciate the advice so thank you.

 

She'll know where to go next time she's in trouble.

[Owledge]

Regarding antidepressants: Some of them can cause violent and suicidal tendencies.

But did you ever hear the media talk about this in regards to people running amok?

The pharma mafia successfully suppressed the information about this possible side effect or got it on the market although there were warnings about this from government experts.

Edited May 13, 2009 by Hardyg