A Student In The Abyss

[non local]

I'm unsure as to exactly what the abyss is, though I believe I am currently a resident. Does one ever genuinely leave the abyss, or do they simply redecorate with things/shades of what was?

 

I feel like I've truly lost my soul, an anhedonic spell of sorts that has stretched out for years.

I began years ago with a retreat into solitude, to make better sense of the world around me and pinpoint the issue(s) giving me the most grief. I started with a diet change, volunteering and simple meditation. I went on with this for months in the isolation of what I call home. Eventually a change manifested, my life view had shifted and I felt better/"more positive". I went back out into the world smiling and ready to make a difference.

Months later I began to rapidly loose steam. The things I held to be good/bad, positive/negative didn't seem to be all that different afterall, the world around me all at once seemed beyond repair and any effort to better it futile. Maybe these sentiments wouldn't have weighed on me so heavily, had I not basically steamed my existence on helping/being of service to others- something I no longer believed in/didn't view as being possible. My safety net had been retracted and I fell into a dark pit, into the depths of despair.

I practiced less and less frequently, I started smoking cigarettes again off and on. I didn't care anymore. I didn't hold jobs very long, although I worked hard- it always came to a point where I realized I was working for nothing- I didn't want to live anymore. This kind of thing carried on for a few years.

I managed to find a qigong teacher on the internet, that was a flicker of hope, beginning the practices only to be banned from his forum for whatever reason (I was never told).

The cycle continued.

All the while insights kept flashing though the majority of them negative/eexistential - of no real value. My sense of self continuing to disintegrate, life itself becoming more grey and surreal.

During this last year I began to dwell, suicide ideation, depression. Although I wasn't quite sure it was depression anymore, it seemed a little different from what many around me considered to be depression. I found it was more of an inability, an inability to cope with the freedom of being loosed from the fires of passion/desire that caused so much suffering, that birthed so many problems- the glue of this society. I felt lifeless, soulless. Afterall comparison to others is a big part of how humans tend to guage their progress/worth, and I found that I just didn't have that burning passion for anything anymore- just this small controlled burn, if that. No matter what I did I couldn't get that feeling I had years ago, that feeling of wanting "to be something", that feeling of accomplishment I guess- I haven't felt a sense of accomplishment over anything I've done for a few years now, I guess I don't take things personally enough to.

I don't feel like this is my body anymore, everything is very far from me yet within arms reach, my emotions aren't as easily triggered, especially anger- it's only fleeting, maybe minutes, and then I see through it. Still I cry easily. It feels like this world is glass, often.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I've looked on in third person these last year's as all the meaning/passion has slowly left my life. I'm not suicidal and I'm not sure if any of you can help me, as I don't find solace in any of this anymore.

It's funny in a non laughing way, I just want to be able to get another job, another volunteering organization, to write a wall of text- and just have meaning flood back into my life. Though I don't see anything this world has to offer me, or the inverse.

 

(a bit difficult to write on a phone, sorry for any errors)

[soaring crane]

Hello non local, and welcome to the forums!

 

Glad you found your way to us. I sincerely wish you the best in your search for perspective and purpose.

 

Please take the time to read the two posts pinned at the top of this Welcome page and take a look at the forum terms and rules. This covers all you need to know when getting started.

 

For the first week you will be restricted to ten posts per day but after that you can post as much as you like. Also, until you’ve posted fifteen times in the forums, you’ll be a “Junior Bum” with somewhat restricted access and will be allowed only two private messages per day.

 

Good luck in your pursuits and best wishes to you,

 

SC and the TDB team

[RiverSnake]

1. Here's a basic qigong exercise that you can do and receive enormous benefit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gr5MkMLyoeI 

 

2. Eat grounding foods regularly, this will help stabilize you. Experiment with how the foods make you feel and make adjustments accordingly between lighter and denser foods. http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-6146/Healthy-Fall-Foods-That-Ground-You.html 

 

3. If your whacking of on a regular basis i recommend you take a break. Take note of any changes positive/negative and make adjustments accordingly.

 

4. Sometimes when we go too deep to quick in meditation and it can cause a type of distortion of our sense of self. Who we thought we are and our ideas about how the world works can get shattered to quickly for us to adjust in a constructive way. The personality can become fragmented and needs healing. All i can say to you is.... if you think this is the case, pray to your higher power for healing. 

 

5. Take daily salt baths. Very helpful for cleansing. 

 

-Best of luck in your Questing. 

Edited June 19, 2015 by OldChi

[dust]

There was a topic about it, or at least a similar experience, not long ago:

 

http://thedaobums.com/topic/37903-how-did-your-dark-night-of-the-soul-end/

 

There might be some helpful advice in there. I particularly appreciated freeform's comment (http://thedaobums.com/topic/37903-how-did-your-dark-night-of-the-soul-end/?p=615184)

[gendao]

Edited June 19, 2015 by gendao

[non local]

1. Here's a basic qigong exercise that you can do and receive enormous benefit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gr5MkMLyoeI 

 

2. Eat grounding foods regularly, this will help stabilize you. Experiment with how the foods make you feel and make adjustments accordingly between lighter and denser foods. http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-6146/Healthy-Fall-Foods-That-Ground-You.html 

 

3. If your whacking of on a regular basis i recommend you take a break. Take note of any changes positive/negative and make adjustments accordingly.

 

4. Sometimes when we go too deep to quick in meditation and it can cause a type of distortion of our sense of self. Who we thought we are and our ideas about how the world works can get shattered to quickly for us to adjust in a constructive way. The personality can become fragmented and needs healing. All i can say to you is.... if you think this is the case, pray to your higher power for healing. 

 

5. Take daily salt baths. Very helpful for cleansing. 

 

-Best of luck in your Questing. 

 

1. i'm actually familiar with that exercise, is it able to be used as a standalone practice though? I worry about taking this exercise out of the context of the system it was designed within, as I have read of many qigong practitioners experiencing negative effects from either mixing qigong exercises/practices from different lineages or from practicing a particular exercise alone leading to an imbalance.

 

2. I honestly haven't been paying much attention to my diet, I believe it is what one would describe as vegan. The majority of my meals are lentil based, I eat twice a day- not very much.

 

3. It is funny in the non laughing way that you should mention masturbation and the imbalances it can cause. I actually just broke celibacy(about 4 months this time) two days ago. I've done enough long stretches to become aware of the result of celibacy and I do believe it is a positive for one with the aim of self-realization. I find that I broke celibacy for much the same reason that I started/stopped smoking cigarettes- at a point I didn't see a reason not to. With all of the internal pressure and familiar sensations of alienation, the isolation probably doesn't help abate, my resolve began to regress.

 

4. I hear you. Sitting meditations and Trataka, both practiced with a zeal and without guidance- I'm sure is what did me in. Many realizations, although I'm not at all sure as to how helpful the majority of them were/are. 

The life that was before I began any type of spiritual pursuit, became the most elusive thing to me for a long while. I tried so many different methods to try and return there. I never got so much as a glimpse. I've tried genuinely to move on and just start anew, although it's much easier said than done in this time in my life, I've spent decades building myself up- only to be shattered on a whim, yknow? This is the time that people say I should be having the time of my life, that I should be establishing exactly what it is that I'd like to pursue in life- and. And I don't even feel human anymore, I barely identify with this life anymore- even my family, i no longer have friends. It is very difficult sometimes, the feeling that births a post such as the one you replied to. I have not prayed in a long time. I feel like if I pray I'm only empowering some meta entity/thought-form thing. I used to identify with the christian faith a few years ago, though I found that trying to put a label with such heavy connotations/history onto my practice/life very complicated/taxing and just not worth it in the end--not logical--.

 

5. I don't take baths, and although I'm open to the suggestion, I know I lack the funds to do so at the moment.

 

I appreciate your responses OldChi

[non local]

There was a topic about it, or at least a similar experience, not long ago:

 

http://thedaobums.com/topic/37903-how-did-your-dark-night-of-the-soul-end/

 

There might be some helpful advice in there. I particularly appreciated freeform's comment (http://thedaobums.com/topic/37903-how-did-your-dark-night-of-the-soul-end/?p=615184)

 

I appreciate your response dustybeijing. 

 

I found similar sentiments expressed in the link provided and some which I have yet to express here.

[non local]

 

I appreciate the sentiments you have expressed here gendao, I hope someone viewing this thread is able to find solace in the truths you have shared

[RiverSnake]

Its important to pay attention to your diet, the food you eat effects your emotional, psychological and energetic states enormously.

 

Prayer is powerful in ways you can't imagine. Just because Christianity is full of fundamentalist assholes does not necessarily mean that the spiritual entities within the Christian cosmology are assholes. On the contrary, Higher Beings like Angels can be extremely beneficial to work with...though challenging at times. Bypass the filter of socially constructed religion and go straight to the source for healing and illumination.    

 

Mixing qigong styles can cause non-beneficial effects. If your doing a system already and are receiving tangible benefits then i recommend you stick with that one. If you wish to incorporate different styles then its best to wait 30-60 minutes after you've finished one practice in order for effects to subside and then practice the other. Yes, that exercise can be done by itself even though its part of a larger system. If your looking for different systems of Qigong here is a useful thread. Me and many other practitioners give there recommendation.

 

http://thedaobums.com/topic/27757-what-is-the-best-qigong-lineage-to-start-out-with/?hl=lineage 

Edited June 19, 2015 by OldChi

[Brian]

Where do you live, non local?

[non local]

Its important to pay attention to your diet, the food you eat effects your emotional, psychological and energetic states enormously.

 

Prayer is powerful in ways you can't imagine. Just because Christianity is full of fundamentalist assholes does not necessarily mean that the spiritual entities within the Christian cosmology are assholes. On the contrary, Higher Beings like Angels can be extremely beneficial to work with...though challenging at times. Bypass the filter of socially constructed religion and go straight to the source for healing and illumination.    

 

Mixing qigong styles can cause non-beneficial effects. If your doing a system already and are receiving tangible benefits then i recommend you stick with that one. If you wish to incorporate different styles then its best to wait 30-60 minutes after you've finished one practice in order for effects to subside and then practice the other. Yes, that exercise can be done by itself even though its part of a larger system. If your looking for different systems of Qigong here is a useful thread. Me and many other practitioners give there recommendation.

 

http://thedaobums.com/topic/27757-what-is-the-best-qigong-lineage-to-start-out-with/?hl=lineage 

 

note taken.

 

I don't know anything. There was a time when I prayed often. I don't see a reason to namecall, that particular collective is simply not for me. Bypass is a decent term for what I have done for the last few years.

 

I will perform the exercise then. It was my hope to meet a master from a legitimate lineage to train under, maybe it isn't in the cards.

[non local]

Where do you live, non local?

 

that depends on what you mean Brian.

 

would you like a location or a vague "spiritual"/occult axiom?

[Aetherous]

You say that you feel like you've truly lost your soul...but then you say that you've bypassed prayer? You should do it if you want to be helped with that soul thing.

[Mnemonist]

I have also went through something similar though it had physical location in the top of my head. When I identified myself with it was also very apathic and with no emotions. I compared it with being autistic and not feeling anything. But now I am slowly getting out of it. 

There must have been some event that caused you to feel soulless. 

 

Also if you really feel soulless then it might be partially true though you still have soul but not in your body. If that is true you are in great danger of entities which can enter your body. 

I think you should definitely consider going to Siberia to visit a shaman. It could be of a great help to you. Good shaman could give you a lot of answers and some direction in life. It seems that your case could be resolved easily because calling soul back shamans do as a piece of cake. I have myself gone through the calling of my soul back ritual. 

I would also suggest you to change your diet. You should start with at least 3 days of fasting eating only small portion of rice 3 times a day. Not only your body would feel lighter but also your mind.

 

Read http://thedaobums.com/topic/38655-new-guy-from-the-czech-republic/?p=631196 if you want to know more about me.

Edited June 20, 2015 by Mnemonist

[Republic Of Zen]

I am stook in this place where I dont know what to do to become happy. I am trying to let go of control but it just isnt happening. I have been stuck in this headspace for months now.

 

Example, right now I am trying to think of a physical excecise and a mediation to get the energy moving, but I can think of what I want to do. I havent felt like doing chigong in ages. If I make myself do chigong is that the ego winning?

[non local]

You say that you feel like you've truly lost your soul...but then you say that you've bypassed prayer? You should do it if you want to be helped with that soul thing.

 

pray to what?

[non local]

I have also went through something similar though it had physical location in the top of my head. When I identified myself with it was also very apathic and with no emotions. I compared it with being autistic and not feeling anything. But now I am slowly getting out of it. 

 

There must have been some event that caused you to feel soulless. 

 

Also if you really feel soulless then it might be partially true though you still have soul but not in your body. If that is true you are in great danger of entities which can enter your body. 

 

I think you should definitely consider going to Siberia to visit a shaman. It could be of a great help to you. Good shaman could give you a lot of answers and some direction in life. It seems that your case could be resolved easily because calling soul back shamans do as a piece of cake. I have myself gone through the calling of my soul back ritual. 

 

I would also suggest you to change your diet. You should start with at least 3 days of fasting eating only small portion of rice 3 times a day. Not only your body would feel lighter but also your mind.

 

Read http://thedaobums.com/topic/38655-new-guy-from-the-czech-republic/?p=631196 if you want to know more about me.

 

Yes, I've wondered if I have begun to develop some type of autism.

There are long periods where I feel as though I've mentally regressed back to my preteen years, I feel more observant though my ability to articulate seems slowed down. Some of that feeling could probably be attributed to not speaking/verbalizing very often. It used to give me a lot of grief, I feel like everything I had worked towards in the past is now gone- I still feel that way, I just don't think about it as much. I still feel emotions, I am just not as easily moved to anger/happiness- intense emotions as I used to be.

 

There probably was an event that made me feel soulless, though it's difficult to pinpoint. There were several events.

 

Yea, I'm not sure about entities entering my body, I think it is a possibility though. A couple years ago, during what I consider to be my peak experience so far, I felt like I had another entity in my body for a week or so. My consciousness was markedly different and it was as if every preconceived notion I had of life and my surroundings had been completely erased from my mind- I never recovered from this. I've also had people tell me this was a "kundalini-arousal" episode, though I doubt that.

 

While seeing a shaman in siberia for treatment would be nice, I don't have the funds to do so.

 

That diet sounds a lot like my current diet, only its two meals instead of three. I'm thinking about doing a water fast soon.

 

 

I appreciate your response. I read through your link, I hope you find resolution to your current affliction soon.

[non local]

I am stook in this place where I dont know what to do to become happy. I am trying to let go of control but it just isnt happening. I have been stuck in this headspace for months now.

 

Example, right now I am trying to think of a physical excecise and a mediation to get the energy moving, but I can think of what I want to do. I havent felt like doing chigong in ages. If I make myself do chigong is that the ego winning?

 

I can relate. 

 

I don't know what I find joy in anymore, though I am content when I'm able to "stop thinking" for extended periods (become completely absorbed in whatever it is I'm doing- even though I may not enjoy it fully).

 

I let go of a lot, sometimes I think maybe too much at once. I don't think control is real, so in my current experience I see it more as a fleeting illusion- something I conjure up for comfort once in a while, though it's always in vain now.

 

I'm not sure how to answer your question about qigong, nor do I think I am of a high enough attainment to answer it.

 

I think for the most part that ego is not something to be killed off/suppressed, rather it is something to be refined/cultivated.

[Brian]

that depends on what you mean Brian.

 

would you like a location or a vague "spiritual"/occult axiom?

Geophysical location. Just thinking that some Bum might live in or be familiar with your vicinity and/or be able to steer you towards a local resource (qigong teacher, acupuncturist, naturopath, energetic healer, shaman, priest, witch doctor, whatever) who might be able to help.

[Aetherous]

pray to what?

 

Beneficent beings, who are perhaps omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. Maybe even God.

 

Prayer doesn't require belief in anything or anyone, to be honest. It's a cry for help into the unseen. Then you might find that the helpers come, in subtle ways.

 

It works, man.

[SonOfTheGods]

I'm unsure as to exactly what the abyss is, though I believe I am currently a resident. Does one ever genuinely leave the abyss, or do they simply redecorate with things/shades of what was?

 

I feel like I've truly lost my soul, an anhedonic spell of sorts that has stretched out for years.

I began years ago with a retreat into solitude, to make better sense of the world around me and pinpoint the issue(s) giving me the most grief. I started with a diet change, volunteering and simple meditation. I went on with this for months in the isolation of what I call home. Eventually a change manifested, my life view had shifted and I felt better/"more positive". I went back out into the world smiling and ready to make a difference.

Months later I began to rapidly loose steam. The things I held to be good/bad, positive/negative didn't seem to be all that different afterall, the world around me all at once seemed beyond repair and any effort to better it futile. Maybe these sentiments wouldn't have weighed on me so heavily, had I not basically steamed my existence on helping/being of service to others- something I no longer believed in/didn't view as being possible. My safety net had been retracted and I fell into a dark pit, into the depths of despair.

I practiced less and less frequently, I started smoking cigarettes again off and on. I didn't care anymore. I didn't hold jobs very long, although I worked hard- it always came to a point where I realized I was working for nothing- I didn't want to live anymore. This kind of thing carried on for a few years.

I managed to find a qigong teacher on the internet, that was a flicker of hope, beginning the practices only to be banned from his forum for whatever reason (I was never told).

The cycle continued.

All the while insights kept flashing though the majority of them negative/eexistential - of no real value. My sense of self continuing to disintegrate, life itself becoming more grey and surreal.

During this last year I began to dwell, suicide ideation, depression. Although I wasn't quite sure it was depression anymore, it seemed a little different from what many around me considered to be depression. I found it was more of an inability, an inability to cope with the freedom of being loosed from the fires of passion/desire that caused so much suffering, that birthed so many problems- the glue of this society. I felt lifeless, soulless. Afterall comparison to others is a big part of how humans tend to guage their progress/worth, and I found that I just didn't have that burning passion for anything anymore- just this small controlled burn, if that. No matter what I did I couldn't get that feeling I had years ago, that feeling of wanting "to be something", that feeling of accomplishment I guess- I haven't felt a sense of accomplishment over anything I've done for a few years now, I guess I don't take things personally enough to.

I don't feel like this is my body anymore, everything is very far from me yet within arms reach, my emotions aren't as easily triggered, especially anger- it's only fleeting, maybe minutes, and then I see through it. Still I cry easily. It feels like this world is glass, often.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I've looked on in third person these last year's as all the meaning/passion has slowly left my life. I'm not suicidal and I'm not sure if any of you can help me, as I don't find solace in any of this anymore.

It's funny in a non laughing way, I just want to be able to get another job, another volunteering organization, to write a wall of text- and just have meaning flood back into my life. Though I don't see anything this world has to offer me, or the inverse.

 

(a bit difficult to write on a phone, sorry for any errors)

 

I have experience in these matters- if you want to talk, I am here for you brother

 

PM me or Email me

[non local]

Geophysical location. Just thinking that some Bum might live in or be familiar with your vicinity and/or be able to steer you towards a local resource (qigong teacher, acupuncturist, naturopath, energetic healer, shaman, priest, witch doctor, whatever) who might be able to help.

 

I don't have the funding/transport so I see no point in doing so.

[non local]

Beneficent beings, who are perhaps omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. Maybe even God.

 

Prayer doesn't require belief in anything or anyone, to be honest. It's a cry for help into the unseen. Then you might find that the helpers come, in subtle ways.

 

It works, man.

 

I believe you in ways, I don't believe you in ways.

[non local]

 

I have experience in these matters- if you want to talk, I am here for you brother

 

PM me or Email me

 

 

I have two questions. I know it's not wise to assume, though I feel as if you've had a similar experience on the path you are treading, given the response you issued. If that assumption is correct, Why do you continue with your practice? Why do you continue with your life?

[Brian]

I don't have the funding/transport so I see no point in doing so.

<Miss_Emily_Lutella>

Never mind.

</Miss_Emily_Lutella>